Sudden

Maybe it was creeping up yesterday but this morning I have been hit with a deep sadness. Over what I'm not exactly sure. Money is likely. Or not being good at what I thought I was good at. I want to stay in my bed and cry today. Instead I must go to work. I know I have at least one client.

Piercing

So after a conversation with Zebra today I tried masturbating for the first time since getting the jewelry and fuck. I mean it was totally different. Like what I had to do and how it felt. So strange. I just don't even know what to say or think. But I had to get up out of bed and post. fuck. seriously.

What's New?

1. Size 12 jeans!!!!! So exciting. In December I was wearing 16's.
2. Black, open toed, patent wedges.
3. Silver purse with a bow.
4. Perfect black cropped cardigan.
5. A new friend via my housemate.
6. Super awesome dark blue hair.
7. a not-sore-at-all genital piercing. It makes me feel powerful.

What's not new? My inability to interact/flirt with guys. ugh. I must work on this. It makes me feel not pretty when I know I do look awesome. Oh, and posting while drunk. girly-juice martinis are good. That's not a metaphor for sex. I'm not allowed sex for 3-4 weeks.

No relief

So I'm back to worrying about money stuff. I had some bank issues, I'm low on supplies and so far this week has been really slow at work. Tomorrow is pretty booked so far though. I'm trying to stay positive.

My late nights and early morning are all about sex. When I'm in bed I am frustrated.

I have been thinking about calling or texting CRB. But then I feel like I should apologize even though I know that I have no reason to do so. It would be nice to go out and be relaxed, but I know I won't feel better about anything if I do that. And chances are he'll be too busy for me. And I feel like I am behaving too much like I want to date him, when I just want to be friends.

And I just want to have sex. Not just but mostly. I kind of regret not staying out with Zebras friend a few weeks back. I feel like I would feel more settled right now if I had. I have nothing to back that up though. And I don't know if the situation arised again if I would actually stay. That's kind of stupid.

On the one hand I just want to get laid and get the energy out. On the other hand I want to date casually and just get to know more people and be out more.

It's possible the best solution is a new sex toy and getting back to the gym, 4 days a week. Break some monotony and release some serious energy.

I am being pretty productive craft-wise though. Lot's of things getting completed and planned. And I am in need of a brazilian but my period has been so crazy it just hasn't been at all posiible in over a month. I'm really hoping this Monday.

Single thinking

I had a very good long weekend. I only had Sunday and Monday, and Monday is normally my day off, but it was still really nice. I had some dreams I wanted to post but I've mostly forgotten them now. I also had some thoughts I was thinking of sharing but the moments have passed because I just can't think of them.

All that seems to be in my head right now is money (worrying about it), clothes (not having much that fits well) and sex (needing to have it). I guess along with sex is dating. Just wanting to figure out how to find people to date. I need to find effective ways of putting myself out there.

I just want to date with the intention of getting to know people and figuring out what I want. In a person and a situation. Or something. I think my need to have sex is confusing things slightly. confusing me slightly. Like I kind of need to sigh deeply and try to focus on something else. restless and spare energy.

Rambling

Work has been busy the last two days. Good for my money stuff, but it's a lot of energy for me. I also wasn't going to the gym at all this week, so I think my energy isn't getting that jump I've been used to. I kinda spent the first part of the week a little depressed.

I did text with CRB a bit on Monday but wasn't in the mood to talk. I'm tired of it really. I thought about him tonight as I was walking to the skytrain and how it would be nice to text him but don't feel like I am welcome to. Like I'm his friend and he misses me, but he isn't actually in a place where he wants to see me enough to make plans. I just don't want to puzzle with that.

Tonight I went out after work with Blondie and friends of hers. It was fun and everyone was nice. I spent more money than I should have but it was still good. Tomorrows tips will have to get me through until Tuesday. And there's barely any food in my house. Carrot soup will probably get made because I have everything to make that.

It would be nice to have someone to come home with sometimes. Not even to spend the evening out with, but just go out with our own friends, meet up late, go back to a house, have sex and fall asleep. With laughter.

That's all I'm got in terms of focus. And I know it's barely anything.

Big sigh

So today I'm sad. And I sent a text message saying it's so. I don't expect a response at all though. I'm half hoping I don't get one. I hope it'll be read with a bit of sadness, followed by a understanding nod or something. I might not be so sad if I understood what happened. Or at least understood a little bit. I don't really know what kind of lesson to take away from this. I really don't want it to be that I shouldn't be open and free of expectations.

I think today I'm also feeling like I was somehow lacking. Maybe it comes to the idea that if something happens over and over to you that you're the problem and not the other people. Even though I know two failed relationships does not make a pattern, especially since pretty much every detail about them was different. I also know that every relationship fails until one succeeds. But I guess this feels more like a failed friendship than a failed relationship and that's harder to deal with. Even if it was a distant friendship most of the time.

I am thrilled to have the day off tomorrow. And an extra day off next weekend. I am also pleased of the housework I did this evening. I feel good about it. Now I just have to get my computer fixed.

pattern?

1. I'm drunk.

2. I danced tonight.

3. I thought about CRB.

4. I did not think about texting CRB.

5. I felt like boys were watching me.

6. They were really watching me and the girls I was with.

7. My fake chicken snack is ready.

8. I feel like toast but am out of bread.

9. I need to get a brazilian done.

10. I have been spotting for nearly two weeks so will not make an fellow co-worker touch my vaginal area in order to get said Brazilian.

11. I can not to go bed until I drink a whole glass of water.

12. I have already had two tylenol.

13. I have a complicated client at 11:00 am and I need to open the spa at 9:00 am.

14. Part of me wanted to stay out later.

15. Part of me wanted to dance with strange boys.

16. And leave suddenly with a hand on their chest and a quick kiss.

17. Instead I danced like a go-go dancer.

18. I danced with a drunk walk and arm raises.

19. I wore heels tonight.

20. My feet don't hurt but where the ankles straps were does.

21. I'm sure my feet will hurt tomorrow.

22. I ate really good guacamole tonight. With good chips.

23. I think I need to set a dating goal. Like one date every two weeks.

24. I have to figure out how to get dates first though.

25. But I think I made some real and awesome friends tonight. That is super good.

26. This entire night was funded by two days worth of tips.

27. I am glad I didn't quit my job for a boring by high paying one.

28. I must go. typing is not allowing me to drink my necessary water.

Unsent Letter

CRB,

Fuck you and your fucking meaningless texts. I don't care that we're not dating or fucking. I don't accept this sort of confusing/rude behaviour from any of my friends and I am not going to start making exceptions for you. I am mad that I let myself be open to you. I am mad that I miss you. I am mad that you made me want to be happier again. I am mad that being with you made me want to have sex.

If you didn't want to see me anymore I was perfectly fine accepting that. We're really different people and that's fine. I just don't understand anything and I don't feel like you're being the least bit honest with me. Your behaviour and words aren't consistant over time or even at the same time.

I guess I was wrong in thinking that you had grown up or that you were worth the work. I was so willing to really be present and open with you with very little expectations. It's so unfortunate that my expectation of being treated with respect is apparently too much for you.

You were so concerned about "fucking this up" but you have. I am so sorry it is turning out this way. I am really disappointed. Not in you, but just in things. I feel really let down by someone I really honestly wanted and enjoyed in my life.

New Messages

It's been just over three weeks since I asked CBR to go for coffee and he said he was busy but would let me know when he had time.

I wanted to text him so that it wasn't as if we were not talking because I didn't want to and so he knew I did want to talk to him.

But then today I got a text saying nothing more than that he missed me.

I responded that there was no need to miss me and that we were supposed to be friends. He said for me to name the place and time and he'd be there. I said I was waiting for him to let me know when he was available because he's busier than me these days.

I haven't heard back. But if he wanted me to go out tonight I hate to admit that I would be dressed and walking to the skytrain in no time at all. And very happy to be doing so.