One more step

Last night I had a dream about going into work. I felt bad for dropping my responsibilities there and obligated to finihs things. But things had changed again and so I had to do thing I thought were done over. I was lost and confused and needing to cry.

I also had a dream about being in England. I was in a city I was unfammiliar with and had gone to have dinner with some people. Then I needed to get home by train but I didn't know exactly where the train station was just what bus I needed to take to get there. I didn't even know what time the train back to Nottingham was. But I felt comfortable on the bus. I recognized the train station symbol as we were driving so I knew where to get off. The station was super busy and I couldn't find the schedules. But I knew how the automatic machines worked and I felt fine. I even talked to people while in the queues about how busy it was.

This morning I went to the councelling office for the third time but again I was too late to get an appointment; all the appointments for first-time people are set that day, after the first appointment you can book in advance. But the woman recognized me and let me set an appointment for Thursday. That is good.

I also fell asleep again in my lit lecture. I just don't get it. I was asleep by 11:30 and woke up just after 7:30. That's 8 hours sleep. I shouldn't need to then fall asleep during lectures or on the bus on the way home.

I want to go see a film and have considered asking IceHockey but I'm not sure how. It feels like it would be out of place. Like I don't know if he likes going to the cinema or if he likes the type of film I want to see. We talked about meeting up for a music event but a film is different. hmmm.

Two steps back

So I actually spent some time working on my Egypt paper today. I only have 1 and a half more sources to read before writing. But it's two weeks late as of tomorrow and I have a another paper due on Tuesday and a midterm on Thursday. So I'm not too sure what to do.

I'll admit to feeling better on some fronts. I'm sleeping through the night and I feel more energized while I'm awake. On the other hand, I'm still feeling unmotivated, displaced, lonely and unsure of things. I constantly want to craft and takes baths. Nothing else.

I considered again dropping the Egypt lecture. So I checked my credits. There's this little note that says 3 of the 6 science cradits I have aren't valid towards the 6 science credits required to graduate. So no matter what I'm short. And it's irritating because even when I saw the advisor three weeks ago he confirmed that I had all my science credits. Plus I don't know yet how my credits from England are transferring so I can't see how many of my exact requirements I've actually fulfilled anyway.

Again I'm feeling discouraged. I'm not sure how to proceed or what my best course of action is. The confusion just makes me want to have a bath and go to bed early. I wish I could actually do the things I needed to on time and with confidence and excitement.

Falling Asleep

I can't fall alseep. I shouldn't have had a three hour nap today and then do a whole load of nothing after that. Tomorrow I must write my Egypt paper llike I have nothing else in the world to do. Chatton is coming over in the evening because we haven't seen each other in weeks so I'd like to have it done by then.

I keep thinking that it would help me if I were sharing my bed with someone. Just a warm bady to be near. I would b able to hear their relaxed breathing and mimic it to slow my own. Or to have them rub my stomach until I'm alseep. Or massage my neck to get me to relax a bit. I'd return the favour on nights they couldn't sleep for sure.

But above all my want to have someone around is to know that someone wants to be with me and to feel that sense of comfort. It's really all quite basic in terms of wants. I just don't really know how to go about getting it. I'm glad Titania and I are starting to workout together. My doctors think it's really important to keep my mood and energy stable but I think it will help me fell a little bit more confident even if I don't lose any weight. I hate admitting that might be a factor in my life not including a guy in so many ways.

But I am getting into something I don't have the energy or desire to get into.The basics are is I want someone to sleep with and I'm not always sure why I don't have that. Crap. I was doing so good sleeping early. I think I have to work a bit harder to keep at it.

Amazing

It's 9:30 am and I have already gotten home from a 25 minute run with Titania. She's getting ready to go to work now and I am just doing my web-routine before making some breakfast and doing some studying. Tommorrow is a Carmen Electra day.

Another great thing I did is some prelimenary work on the potential bibliographies for the three papers I have due over the next month. I only looked for books and I will hopefully get to looking for articles tomorrow.

I am really tired now though. I didn't sleep early last night. I'm having problems in the way that I feel physically aroused but my mind can't get into it long enough to get me off. So I go look for some aid online but nothing helps. Nothing I usually like, nothing new either. I don't quite know what to think about it.

A Decent Day

I didn't go to lectures but I did go out and go shopping. I got new yoga pants, a bunch of tanks, a yellow sweater and some underwear (below). I need bras but I couldn't find any I like and that fit. The one I was wearing today was silly though as it doesn't even fit at all. I'll need new ones for sure soon.

I've got lots to do this weekend and I've already done some of it. So far it's going well.

Take me

Today:
I didn't go to my Egypt lecture. Instead I slept until just after 9:00 and went for a morning run with Titania. We only ran a bit and walked the resst but it feels good. I am going to have her take some pictures of my back and then I am going to work on my Egypt paper. Then I will go to my lectures this evening.

Yesterday:
I met Titania for brunch which was awesome. Then we walked to where the greif place was but were really early. So we went to Pier 1 (both of our maiden visits) and discussed the awesome Christmas party we're going to have. Then we went to Future Shop and wandered around looking for cheap DVD'd. We settled on Carmen Electra's Striptease workout. We got the first of 5 DVD's. After our councilling thing, which went really well and I will continue to go to, we went home exhausted.

After some cleaning and stuff we decided to do the Striptease workout. It was so much fun. We mastered the warm-up workout and got pretty good at the first workout. We danced for over an hour. We ate dinner and throughly enjoyed the evening of TV.

Tomorrow:
I'm going to go to class and then go buy some new pants and maybe a coat. I must do laundry also and do some oneline bibliography building and finish the Egypt paper. Both these things will continue over the weekend.

From School

All in time

Today I feel awake and like I actually have some decent, real energy in me. I'm still lacking some motivation and I am going to be in bedd by around 10:30 but in general I am feeling much better.

Tomorrow I'm going to a group meeting for dealing with loss and greif with Titania. I'm not too sure what to expect but I'm hoping it will be a good thing for me to do a few times a month. Schedule wise it works really good for me and it's by donation which is way more affordable than my current therapist. We'll be hitting the Art gellery afterwards so I can get a head start on a paper due during finals based on the work of my choice there and to distract ourselves probably.

In terms of school I survived my two midterms on Monday - one much better than the other. I sucked on my art exam to the point I felt like I was going to throw up while walking to my lit midterm and wanted to take an ativan so bad but knew my alertness wouldn't be good enough if I did. On the upside the Lit exam went realy really well I think. I have my Egypt aper still to write for Thursday and then I have a paper and a Midterm for next week.

Titania warned me that the anti-depressant I'm on gave her crazy dreams when she was on it a few years ago. Last night I had some weird dreams. And the night before too. I only have tidbits so here's a list of key things.
-CRB (one of the boys in my cast of characters), dinner and the Lovre in Paris
-Getting a make over butneeding to tweeze my eyebrows
-Seeing paintings with doves, blood, spears, dogs and hippos
-Titania moving and leaving only toothpaste

oday I bought some groceries and way more chocolate than I'd usually get. I've been completely craving sweet things which is silly becasue I drink a Mocha nearly every morning. At least on mornings where I'm at school for a while after class or earlier enough in the morning. They put a Starbucks in the sub now too so I get get the good Mochas.

Last thing, I'm making friends at school. It's kind of nice. A few of us our going to Lunch and to shop for yarn and then go to the Art GAllery together to work on our papers more. It'll be good. But for now I've got to paper write and do lots of reading. My want for sex seems to be making a very slow return as well. I have some fantasy issues/problems right now but I'll talk about that another day.

Sunday Calm

Well I had a great breakfast and shopping jaunt with Titania today. Breakfast was actually with a bunch of others which was good. It was in a neighbourhood we don't usually hang out in so it was good.

Since we got home at nearly 4:00 this afternoon I have done very little of the studying I should be doing. I'm pretty fucking hopeless when it comes down to it. Nothing new though really. Still it's not good at all. I really do have to buckle down and do stuff though. I wish it (studying) came more naturally to me. I need to be more than good when I get assessed and that means I have to put in a bit of work. I could maintain a B average with just attending lectures and doing last minute papers but I need an A average. That means just a little more work.

My energy is a bit better. I still get tired quickly but I do have a few hours each day where I feel rested. It's hard to decide between studying and sleeping. Really hard. Also my neck and right arm is really sore. I feel it in my shoulder and along my whole arm - joints and muscles. I'd love a massage.

But I am going to go study. Even if it's only for an hour or so and barely cuts through the surface. By 11:00 tomorrow all I'll have due for this week is the silly Egypt paper. Next week is one paper and one Midterm. I might ask for a one week extension on the paper though.

Following Up

1. I can hand my Egypt paper in on Tuesday or Wednesday no problem. Now I must work on it.

2. I didn't go to lectures today because the bus I'd take was barely working due to the job action this morning.

3. Next week I have the paper due and two midterms.

4. The week after I have the last of my midterms and a paper due.

5. My cat and I are having a nice chill day. I just got out of a bath that was over an hour long.

6. Last night I had a dream about breasts. And friends. It didn't end in sex.

7. I realized that I am completely lacking any emotional want for sex and all my physical want is just about stress.

8. Today I feel rested for the first time in weeks. Being in bed by 10:30 and sleeping by 11:30 seems to be working.

9. I haven't actually done any work or cleaning yet today. I promised Titania I'd do some cleaning.

10. I know the core of my sadness is nothing that can be slept away or medicated away. That's a bit intimidating.

A slow Crash

I don't even know what to say here. I think I've gotten worse. I just feel like I'm completely falling and I'm never going to catch up with things. I have no clarity and can't think of a time since I've been home that I have had any at all. I'm probably dropped like 10 points on the stupid depression index in the last two weeks. My body wants 10 hours of sleep a day and I feel incapable of doing anything even though I desperately need to. In these moments I would phone my Dad. When I'm at school and in tears I'd phone him and I can't. Its not just a time or long distance issue - or maybe it's just a really extreme version of one.

But either way I don't know what to do. I have completely lost something. I don't feel at home but I don't know where home is. I want to be able to write what I want to do but I don't know. I have no idea what will make this all better. I'd like to just quit but there goes my MA. I got a B+ on my Egypt midterm and feel like I might as well have failed. I also don't know if he's going to let me hand in my paper next week. And I don't know if I can drop it becasue I think I need the credits to grad.

This is the stupidest thing ever. That's all I can feel about it.

Edit about an hour later: I've talked to Lily online. I feel a bit ok. I still have no idea what to do about my egypt lecture but I feel like I've got some people that love me. It's good to have it said outright. I also still don't know what to do but without any ativan with me I can't panic. I have nowhere safe here and I have to go to my lecture tonight.

Naming names

I saw an advisor today and some concessions are being made so I can hand my paper in late and have some consideration given should I suck on my art midterm next week because I've been missing so many lectures. I feel a bit less stressed about it but still distressed. I also found access to some free councilling on campus. So that along with the greif group should be good.

Last night I freaked out though. I took 2 sedatives ontop of my sleeping pill becasue I was crying so much and it hurt to breathe. I sleep so deeply I slept through my alarm and it took Titania getting sick of hearing it and getting up for me to wake up. I still spent the day yawning and tired though.

But the male friend of midges is getting a name. That name will be "IceHockey". I talked to him online tonight and said I made him 2 CD's as we discussed I would on Friday so he said we should try to meet up on the weekend and spend some time in Zulu or something. I'm reserving excitement except that it means I will be buying the new Broken Social Scene album or a new album at least.

A blip of excitement

This morning there was a film being shot on campus. big crows of extras and tents and trailors all centered around the two libraries and main arts lecture hals. It was busy and crowded and all the more unpleasant due to the rain. Plus extra crowds were gathering because Al Pacino and some guy from the OC star in the film. I was just irritated that all the stuff kept me from being able to get a mocha between my lectures and not be late.

I also had to use the slide library for the first time and it was quite fun. It was a bit weird to figure out how it was organized but once I sorted it out it was neat. I'm glad I get to use it at least once more over the course of this term.

I'm feeling a bit sick right now but I have tons of work to do for tomorrow. I'll feel better around 5:00 tomorrow though. For a day or so at least. Then there's two more midterms. Then a paper and a fourth midterm. That's it though until the end of term so that is something to be thankful about.

Paper Stress

Well I have a bibliography done. That's it. I haven't even read all my sources no matter started the essay. And instead of working on it all I want to do is go to bed. I have no idea what I'm going to do with myself. This is not the way I should be approaching my school work at all. A big sigh is all I can manage about it all. I am going to go to bed as soon as I am done this.

Otherwise I had a nice relaxing day. Titania, her sister and brother, plus Midge and a friend of hers were all around and we just relaxed and read and chatted and watxched TV. It was nice and slow. Midge found out her ticket isn't valid tomorrow so isn't leaving until tomorrow night.

Maybe if I get lots of sleep tonight I'll be able to stay up real late tomorrow to finihs the paper off. Also Monday night TV sucks so I'll have no excuses to not do my work. Not even bad ones. God can I be so fucking lazy. ugh.

Sleepy

Another morning of sleeping in and having a very long shower/bath. Last night I ended up just going to a nearby restauraunt with my old friend. We caught up a bit and looked at my Europe pictures. It was nice. I got home a bit after midnight and headed straight to bed. Once Midge joined me though sleeping was put on hold in favour of hysterical laughing recarding pie and other pussy related jokes. We were so entertained that we emailed the highlights to Blondie. We fell alseep soon after both noting how much it will suck to go back to sleeping alone.

Today I must finish researching for my paper and do some work for the presentation I'm doing on Tuesday. I should also be starting to actually write my paper too. It's technically due Monday but my instructor said we can give it to him Tuesday morning if we want to. Sunday TV sucks. I may opt to watch a film and nap. I so shouldn't though.

I'm feeling isolated today. Half unreasonable and half self-inflicted. and half a bunch of other things really. The next week of school feels like it's going to be a nightmare. Midge is leaving today. I have crafts to do. I guess it's not really that bad but it feels that way. I must go, the cat wants outside.

Resting

1. The show was good. BSP are nutty and The Killers have energy but didn't stray from the album versions of songs at all. Worth going to without question though.

2. Went for dinner with a bunch of people last night (Midge, Farmer, Eastern, Blondie and Stevie were there) and it was cool. Awesome desert and a good salad. I also met a friend of Blondie's who was cool, a friend of Stevies who was also cool though I talked to her a bit less, and a boy who Farmer is seeing and I didn't really talk to him at all but he seemed nice. I also spent more time talking to the un-named friend of Midge. I'm making him a CD of music.

3. I have two possible parties to go to tonight with Midge. One is a very close friends thing and the closer it gets the less comfortable I am going and the other is at the un-names boy's house and Midge doesn't really want to go. It's also a keg party and I'm off drinking.

4. I'm off drinking. The meds enhance the feelings of alcohol and just on an emotional level I shouldn't be drinking. I always seem to end up crying when I'm drunk. One drink when I'm out or with dinner is ok but that's it for a little bit.

5. A friend from highschool who has moved to Alberta do to some school is in town this weekend. It's the first time I've seen her since my going away party last year. She got married but just a tiny ceremony and will be having the party next summer. She's asked me to help plan it which is very exciting.

6. I'm having my monthly crampy day. I just had a therapudic bath and now I'm lounging on the couch talking to Paul in England. As much as it hurts I am having a new found love for my own blood. I won't go on about it. I'm probably the only one fascinated by it.

7. I feel like ordering pizza but I'm not going to. I'll probably make some pasta or something.

Meaningless

I'm at home and cleaning up before Titania comes home. There's some things I won't get done but I'm working on it. The killlers and BSP show is tonight and it will be very good.

I have lots to do. I feel a bit like I'm floating with all these things to do and things I want to do but not enough time to do either. I've been sleeping better but needing a lot of sleep and I'm still tired throughout the day. I don't feel settled or grounded. I guess I'm not sure how to make this all work best. or something like that.

Improving?

Well I am in bed silly early but that's ok. I just had my first actual shower since my tattoo and feel very happy about it. My tattoo is all done scabbing, which it only did in a few places anyways, so I figured getting it wet for a few minutes would be alright. I really needed to wash my hair properly.

Also, one of the surest side affect of anti-depressents (at least of the SSRi type they're trying me on) is decreased sexual desire. I don't know if it's because they haven't kicked in yet or becasue my PMS horniness is out weighing it but I wank feverishly while in the shower. It's maybe my second orgasm in a long while due to feeling stressed and not being alone too often. But mostly because I've been stressed and just not wanting it. Either way I want to sleep all naked and sprawled out.

ok, back to watching Dead Like Me while naked in bed. I will sleep early and I will not let the cat keep me up all night. I didn't do the work I'm supposed to have done for school tomorrow but I'll sort it out. Goodnight!

Touching Base

I don't have much to say right now. I'm feeling alright but not great. I didn't get near as much done this weekend as I intented to but I did get some stuff done and hopefully caught up on some sleep. I've got a busy week coming up and hopefully I'll start getting some stuff finished up so I have less to worry about.

Medicated

1. Tomorrow I start taking an anti-depressant and sleeping pills. I've been given permission to take my sedative on top of all that no more than once every two days. I've been told to find a therapist I can afford so I can go more often and for a longer time. I feel like a mess. I'm also supposed to start light therapy again when my sleep returns to kind of normal.

2. I got my boxes from England today. FCUK body products and M&S chocolate. I also found something i thought I had brought back on the plane and already lost and two awesome pairs of shoes. I also got the drinking glasses I bought in my first week. They're pretty.

3. I'm tired but overwhelmed. I'm going to not think about school this weekend except for reading my texts for lit. Instead I'm going to craft and get a bunch of projects done or nearly there so I can do a bunch of shipping next week.

4. I'm disinterested with the world. I'm disinterested in a potluck at Easterns potluck tomorrow. I just want to hide.

5. I'm hoping half of this is becasue of the rain that has signalled the official entry to fall.

Anger

I'm mad at things. I am tired and sore and itchy and overwhelmed and worried about all the lectures I've missed and worried about all the money I'm spending and frustrated I can't drink without crying and even more frustrated my days are all about not having a father around and not being in England.

It all hit suddenly. Titania said I shouldn't be tired from sitting in lectures and I just think that's ignorant because some of my lectures and my seminar is really challenging and I haven't slept soundly for more than 4 hours in what must be nearing a month. Then she said she was going to take more time off work to spend more time on the island. I realize I told her there is no pressure to pay me back the money she owes me but don't take all kinds of time off.

I feel angry at everyone and I just want to sit here and cry and be by myself. I don't want to go to celebrities because I'm going to hate everything or be loud and irritating to myself. Or I'm going to drink and cry. And I'm going to be single for fucking ever.

Plus I have to go pick up my boxes at customs and I can feel it's going to end up with my mom mad because I don't have the proper packing list, but it should be on the fucking box anyways. And if my mom's mad I'm goign to cry becasue that's about all that is even slightly reliable about my world right now.

As much as I am disenchanted with school I really need to do well becasue if I can't get into my MA program in the UK I have no idea what I'm going to do once my one year working holiday visa is up. I'm stressed and upset. I have nothing else.

Get tired

I slept like shit last night. My back is so itchy I want to dig my nails inot my skin and scream. It sucks. So last night it took forever to fall asleep but I am going to try again tonight. I am heading to bed right now and then will watch an hour of TV from there. I hope something good but not too exciting is on.

Nothing much else. I'm klind of feeling like shit. I talked to Lily today which was very nice. I am disenchanted with these days at school though. My lit lecture is starting to get more interesting but art (first time I've been in 5 lectures) is still the same. I want it to be inspiring. I want to look at the slides and feel something. Excitement. Potential. Wonder. I think that's all I really want from every part of my life.

And today I almost had a panic attack in Lit. I'm not sure why. I was hungry and I just felt disconnected - not part of the rest of the world - and like what I was doing had no meaning. And I thought about the fact that again I freaked out while drinking and how tomorrow my drinking will be kept to a minimum. And then I thought about my dad and I was stuck there. No one to talk to. Nowhere safe and quiet to go.

I make everything sound hopeless. You know the weather was nice today. Chilly but sunny. I did some school work, particularly for my midterm on Tuesday. I have good people in my house. I can make it to Thanksgiving dinner with both sides of my family.

But I miss England, want to spend my days creating things and I'd love to have a boy to snuggle up against when I am unable to fall asleep. I even want to keep going to my interesting lectures. And I want to see cut copy and Dan Bern. I really just kind of want it all I guess.

A Big Sigh

I added all my midterm and essay dates into my ical and I have a shitload due in between now and the end of the month, I totally have to buckle down and catch up on reading. I also have to start going to my Art lecture in the mornings.

Tomorrow night I might be going to dinner with Midge, the boy she knows and some Japanese people. I'm not sure yet. It really depends how much studying I get done tomorrow. I'm not sure where Midge sits about me being slightly interested in getting to know him.

My back is still tender and is very itchy. Titania has been helping me keep in moisturized though. It is more comfortable to sit and lie down though.

Last night I had a dream where something happened with a boy that didn't get bad or awkward. It was just content. I have no detail more than that. It was more of a feeling about a dream than the dream itself.

Last night Titania and I drank a lot of wine and both had crying fits in the toilet about our dad's. I had a panic attrack but my purse was at our table so I couldn't get it. I was fine though, just lots of heavy and deep breathing and "are you alright? you sure?"'s coming from other people in the toilets.

I've got to go sleep now. I must get to my morning lecture.

Off my back

My tattoo is still really tender and leaning my back against anything, even my bed, is not at all comfortable. I really want to have a really good, intense orgasm but I usually wank on my back and now can't do that. I'm going to experiment with other ways though. I also haven't bathed since Wednesday becasue I can't get my back wet. I'm going to also spend some time doing that today.

Tonight I have the option of going out to my sisters and spending the night with a bunch of her friends or going out with Titania for her sister and Penny's birthday. They've reserved a room out in an irish pub to spend the night in after dinner. My sister's place is just kind of a girls night for them to all drink wine and chat and get a break for their men and kids. Her's will be more relaxed whereas with Titania there'll be new people and more action.

I should decide soon because my sister will come out and pick me up so we can take my dad's second computer to her house for my nephew.