call me what you will

Well it's early but I'm exhausted. I'm currently eating vanilla ice cream and will be on my way into the bath as soon as this is done. I was reading but I kept being distracted by my own breasts, which is really a hint that I should be doing something else. I also just couldn't keep focused on the book and was pretty bored.

I have been thinking a lot today about different things. First, I wish my life were more exciting. I know I have to make it so and if I'm not going to make it happen it's not going to. I kind of need a plan or something. I do tend to not turn down invitations at all though. I would have to have a really good reason to do so. But here, where I still don't know many people the invites are less frequent. I'll have to think more about this.

I won't be doing that thinking today or tomorrow though. Today after my bath, I am going to try to sleep early (with an interlude of self-gratification, of course). I need to get my sleeping schedule back on track or I'm just going to be tired and stressed all term. Tomorrow I really have to focus on getting some reading and studying done. And I need to make a morning trip to Sainsbury's.

Another thing I've been thinking about is some of my early thoughts of sex. MonMouth (of Rentboy Diaries) has made some posts recently about classes to improve the sexual talents of British males (which I unfortunately am unable to comment on yet). These have reminded me of dreams I used to have before I was sexually active in any way, and even before I cared about boys really. They basically revolved around sexual instruction in various settings. Now I think about how I don't even understand where that knowledge to think that came from.

I was one of the last people in my group of friends growing up to care about guys, but I was one of the earliest to actually be sexually active. I did have a couple of quasi-sexual experiences with girls when I was 10-13 years old, but It wasn't out of lust so much as curiosity. I also remember being 13 and having two of my friends ask me what an orgasm felt like. I hadn't even kissed anyone at that point so I have no idea why they asked me, but they thought if anyone would know it would be me.

Do you ever feel like sometimes you're different than those around you? Like your brain works different. Or you've seen things that some people will never understand. Or your experiences distance you from people. Sometimes I feel that way. It's not a superiority thing, just a differnce thing. I often wonder if the fact I think this way is why I'm home for most of the weekend. Like I have made these things into something that I have to conceal and that people are going to not like or not understand and so they won't like me. Sometimes I'll meet people who I feel fine with, but it's less often than I'd hope.

But what do you do? You can't just reveal everything and hope for the best. Well, I can't at least. I want people around me who get this. I have those people in my life, they're just very far away from me geographically right now. I guess that's all part of life. That search for comfort. With yourself and with others. I've got the comfort with myself part pretty well sorted, but the comfort with others is so lacking. I want it, I really do.

I'm going no where with this. As you can tell by now, I'm now about conclusions so much as ideas. I've obviously had too much time on my hands today. time to bathe and then sleep. I hope everyone's weekends are being eventful.

aborted plans

Well by the time I was showered, dressed and ready to go out, it was almost 4:00 and would leave me hardly any time in the city so I ended up not going. I have been talking about getting new under-things for weeks now and it's irritating that I haven't acted on it. I should be going to Sainsbury's but I really don't want to. It's raining and grey out. Which hasn't been happening as often as everyone in Britain would have outsiders believe it does.

The only reason that I feel like I should go out is that I actually brushed my hair and put make-up on. I mean all that effort to just stay in my flat, when I could have just stayed in my pajamas and done laundry. Well I'm still going to do laundry but whatever. I've been having some boring weekends. Sorry. I feel like I should be providing entertainement of some sort, but I'm totally not. I would like to. I kind of need the release a night a drinking and dancing provides me.

Well I should go eat something because I haven't yet today. I should also do some reading or something. And start the laundry. I'm totally going to have to convince some people to go out next weekend. Or maybe Tuesday night if the people who ususally go, do this week. We'll see.

Making Decisions

Well last night was long. My arm/burn hurt like crazy all night and I ended up calling NHS direct and the nurse I spoke to said I should go to the hospital becasue it sounded like it might be a second degree burn and that means theres risk of infection and heavy scarring. I didn't go though. The hospital isn't too far from me, but it was 2 in the morning and I would have had to go on my own which I wasn't interested in. I was going to go today, but it's feeling better. Instead I'm going to go into the city and and buy myself something special at M&S probably. On Monday I'll make an appointment with my doctor to make sure it's ok.

I kind of feel like I should go to the hospital, but I really don't want to because it doesn't seem like an emergency and I don't want to go alone. I pass it on my way into the city, so I could change my mind. I won't though. I'm more scared to embarrass myself by going to emergency when it's not warranted than I'm worried that infection is going to setin over the weekend. If I notice any signs of infection though, I will go to the hospital.

Ok, time for a shower and a bit of shopping.

ouch.

I have just acquired a burn that is over two inches long on the top of my forearm from an oven rack which was something like 200 degrees. It hurts still and I did it about 30 minutes ago. I have a bowl of ice water on my desk and a cloth that is wet and I keep dipping it in the ice water when my arm warms it up. It's really red though and already starting to swell. Crap.

On the upside all the flatmates and their guests went out and I am having a very quiet and productive evening.

I want to kill them all

I hate my flatmates. I'm not going to go into it but I hate them and want to kill them and their friends.

One thing that brits say as a greeting type thing is "you alright?" as like a "how are you?" alternative. Well it always catches me off guard because I don't know how to respond. For me it's something someone asks when you look like things are not all right, so I wonder what about me seems not alright. and I just don't know how to respond. 'Good' makes no sense but "yes" seems kind of silly to me.

After my lectures were over I spend some time in the library to finish a book I wanted to return before I went home and the library there were so many hot guys. I was impressed. I was also hungry though because I hadn't eaten yet and it was past 3:00 so I just focused on my reading so I could get home.

I wanted to spend a quiet Friday night at home, but my flatmates are preventing that. I hope they all just go out or something. And never come back. That would be good.

Just Another Day

I didn't wear a cleavage-revealing shirt today mostly becuse anything that was warm enough not to cover with a sweater was in the laundry. Well, I did wear one, and still am wearing it, but under a sweater that is not. Oh well. I shouldn't want to do that with him anyways. Although whenever I wear this top, I always remember why I like it so much and I feel great in it.

So this weekend all my friends are out of town which sucks. I have tons of school stuff to read, but when it's the only thing I have to do I tend to not do any of it. I may go into my city and buy something for myself even though I should save the cash for Birmingham. We'll see. I should go in anyways though to buy a ticket for a show I want to see in early March. I've seen him before but it was good and the venue he's playing here is tiny so it'll be neat.

There's something yelping outside my window. Sounds like a squirrl but too loud and doesn't sound quite like a fox. I've only heard the foxes once though, they actually woke me up and I saw them fight outside my window. It was crazy.

I'm going to attempt to go to sleep now. I have two lectures tomorrow afternoon but I also have to buy some groceries because I have nothing to make a good meal here. Actually the only things I can make right now are cheese toast and pasta with cheese. Not bad but I need my veggies.

Fucking Birmingham

1. I keep having to change when I'm going because it may be my first week of lectures but I am swamped.

2. A wonderful woman is doing a show at the end of this month that I really want to go to.

3. I have no lectures or anything the next day so I could stay overnight in the city and shop the next day.

4. There is not a single hostel in Birmingham, but I'm a student a a hotel in the middle of it isn't really in my budget.

5. I'm taking a bit of a trip to the South-West and Cardiff in APril and found out the person I am going with (not a hot guy unfortunately) will pay all my accomodation expenses.

6. I need to find an affordable place in the middle of Birmingham to sleep for one night, and I might consider splurging, which isn't that much cash in my world, and staying in an actualy hotel for a night.

7. Other topic but I'm considering wearing a cleavage-revealing shirt tomorrow just becasue I have a lecture with Elliott. How awful of me.

Late Night Games

One of the things I am known for by my friends is loving games. I really like them. Like board games and drinking games and cards. All that kind of thing. I am currently in my bed and have iTunes on. It's the only music playing thing in my room and I love it. Back home I have tons of CD's and couldn't bring them all with me. Instead I burned everything onto my laptop. Since then I have acquired music from various friends and the lovely CD library my campus has. Currently my song library has 1994 songs. I almost always have it on shuffle.

I will type out the first lines of the first 10 songs that come on. I want you guys to guess what songs they are. There's no prize, but if anyone wants a particular prize from me and guesses one right, I'll consider it. Certainly no promises though. As people guess right I will edit the post to show the answers. Let the games begin with the next song. (Right now is "Love me Tender" by Elvis.)

1. One man come in the name of love, one man come and go....

2. I wish I had a Sylvia Plath, busted tooth and a smile...

3. Snow can wait, I forgot my mittens...

4. Ice age, heat wave, can't complain, If the world's at large why should I remain?

5. As far as you take me, that's where I believe...

6. In the quickness of our haste it seems we forget how to live...

7. When it's on the one you know the funk's begun...

8. I register operational. In the land of the gauching skiving sun...

9. I'm on my time with everyone, I have very bad posture...

10. Two jumps in a week. I bet you think that's pretty clever, don't you boy?

I think some of these are pretty easy, they even have the song title in the lines, but then it's my song collection...(I should also note I did skip a few songs because they were by artists so few people would know.)

sigh

Ok, well I decided that it's not as bad as I thought it was. Well it's bad but only because of what I'm used to. Anyways, I'm not feeling mopey like I thought I would be. Go listen to Razorlight and The Zutons. I'm going to go and read the new magazine I bought because it came with a bag and listen to The Polyphonic Spree. Maybe read my cards. Today the lecture I had was a continuation of last term so it was all the same people. Elliott was totally staring at my breasts. I think I'll have a nap, too. I'm tired and that might have casued the drastic reaction over my results.

I'm a loser

I just got results from school back and I suck. Basically I have no idea what I'm doing and feel like I can't do the only thing I have ever really wanted to do. I'm going to be boring and mopey until at least Thursday so if there's nothing here that's why. I'll try but you don't want to read garbage about how fucked up I feel right now so if that's all I've got there will be no writing. This can't last beyond Thursday though.