I just can't hide it

Well a real dinner never happened because left over couscous was easier than cooking and the ambition to read was lost after about 10 pages. I have tomorrow I guess. I was going to curl up at my desk and watch The Office instead but that didn't happen either. Now it's about 11:00 and I should be heading to the comfort of my bed.

I think the lack of drinking is slowly making me mad and unusually aroused. I have come to the conclusion today that drinking kind of replaces sex for me. (I am giggling cause that fucked up.) Just in that it's a really physical and mental release. It does not mean in any way, however, that once I am getting laid again I will stop drinking.

I was talking to Lily, becasue it's her I am going out with tomorrow and she's kind of broke, so I said we'd be cheap. And then I carified that I meant only in terms of money. Then I followed that up with "well I'll be cheap for other things if the right person wants me to." Half in jest, but half not. It's not like I'm desparate (surprising?), am going looking for someone, or will sleep/make out with anyone who shows interest. I'm just more open to someone who's cool and interesting than I have been in a long time.

Also this evening, I spoke with Victoria and we are going to attempt this crazy thing called Campus 14. Basically it involves drinking a double of something (vodka and orange juice for me) at each one of the 14 bars on campus. You have to do it un 2.5 hours and walk in between them. I did 11 the last time I did it. I have to do it at least one proper before leave.

I had a good day today and I am happy. Hopefully there will be at least some excitement over the weekend. My bed is calling.

I can't stop

A preliminary: I never knew I would love this style of life as much as I do. I really didn't know I could constantly be this happy and satisfied. It's not that I was constantly depressed before, it's just that I am so good now.

A preliminary: If I ever say anything here about how I am interpreting someones signals as to whether they're interested in me or not and you think I'm off base, write a comment or send me an email. I also don't want the crap 'maybe he'll change his mind' shit. I don't like that. I'd rather try to get over it than dwell. But if I'm not seeing something that's obvious point it out.

Paul called me and asked if I wanted to help him put some flyers in the halls around campus so I went out and we just wandered around the campus talking. It was nice. The only weird thing was that he mentioned a few girls who were also his friends but made specific points of saying how fit (pretty) they were. It was like a side note to a larger story, and not really out of place. The thing is I'm not really sure how to respond. If I knew the girl I could give my opinion, but I didn't.

We also ran into someone from our lecture and a girl who was quite fit walked by and the other guy commented and they agreed. Then at least I could say "boys are so easily distracted, but yes she is." It makes me feel wierd otherwise. I'm not sure why. I just don't know why it was said or what, if anything, it means. It kind of makes me feel like he's saying I'm not, but I think that's just me being paranoid. I just don't know.

I've been munching on crisps all afternoon so I should go and make a real dinner. I also have to start my reading.

You are my cat

Last night I ended up not falling asleep until after 1:30. It sucked becasue most of my time for the hour before that was spent unhappily moving around my tiny bed. I did get to thinking though. See this whole thinking thing is a problem for me. I really have a very active mind and it literally keeps me awake. So this is why I post so much here. When I was at home I would talk to my cat. She loved me and no one else lived with me to make me feel like I was crazy. But here, I have to unload somehow, and this is how I have chosen to do it. Some days I get so preoccupied by all the crap running through my head it's frustrating.

Plus right now my life involves little more than going to lectures, getting new CD's from the CD library and sitting curled up in a chair reading and taking notes. I'm trying to break it up with evenings out, but usually it's just a film. The odd night (like tomorrow) only happens sometimes becasue it's expensive. I can afford to do it more often than I have been lately though. I hope things pick up a bit. Although, it is only 5 weeks until spring break. Time goes too fast.

I just finished downloading the first season of 'the office.' I never watched in in Canada and I'm curious even though it's really late to be interested. I've also found a place where I can get the American Idol auditions. I am sickningly excited about this. I just like the auditions because thye are funny, but I inevitably get hooked and end up watching the whole season. Sometimes I disgust myself really. I also found CSI from that same place which makes me just as excited but not so embarrassed.

Look at the post below and put your results in the comments. I am really schocked by my results in the violence category only because I am very anti-violence to the point of being a pacifist. Otherwise I'm not too surprised.

I am going to hell

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished me to the Sixth Level of Hell - The City of Dis!

Here is how I matched up against all the levels:
Level | Score
Purgatory | Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo | Low
Level 2 | High
Level 3 | High
Level 4 | Low
Level 5 | Moderate
Level 6 - The City of Dis | Very High
Level 7 | Very High
Level 8- the Malebolge | Very High
Level 9 - Cocytus | Moderate

Level descriptions
Take the test

end of the night

Well I'm in bed now after a very nice bath. I want to fall asleep before 12:30 tonight but I have some things to do first. They involve changing batteries.

I was in my fun lecture today. (The one with Elliot and Paul- it's the only lecture I have where we all talk and communicate because of the nature of the material, rather than just sit and listen to the prof. I love all my subjects, but I usually have active fun in this one even though it is by far my most complicated and challenging.) We were talking for some reason about heaven and hell which is weird now that I try to remember why it came up becasue it has nothing to do with the material.

Now I grew up not knowing religion. My mom went to a first united church sometimes when I was a child but I never had to go. I understand Chatolisism from a historic and artistic perspective becasue of what I study. I do not believe in any of it, or even the principle of organized religion. I was in theory understand why people do, But I don't. I don't even know if I believe in a sort of 'higher-power' or anything. I'm not in a place where it's an important thing for me to have a specific view.

So the prof asks who thinks they're going to Hell. The funny guy raises his hand but no one else that I noticed did. Then She asked why the rest of us aren't. Is it because we don't believe in Hell or because we're good. I didn't even hesitate to say that I don't believe. However, I would have added in a non-academic context, that if I am wrong, and there is a heaven and Hell, I am most certainly going to hell. And it's not because I've done anything particularly bad, I just do what I want.

One day I should find out my current purity test score. I may have only had myself to experiment/gain points with in the last few years, but I think I have. Kind of related, I wish I could give prizes out. I really need to think of something that easy for me, but good for you. Crap, this has taken more time that I thought it would and now I have less time to enjoy the process of falling asleep with a content feeling.

Lsat thing, I promise: I know I have an attachment to my vibe, when I have a pile of batteries that are half used up. Fuck, I have so many ideas of how people could get prizes, but I need to think of a fucking prize. Do I swear too much? Is it unbecoming? Lord, I think to much. I've got to go. The stress of reading, lack of sleep, and lack of recent drunkenness is really taking it's toll on me.

remembering home

Elliot: He interestes me because he is what I don't want in someone I want to date. He was staring at my breasts today. Oh, but that is totally not why I don't want to date him (drinking issues, aawkwardness and nail-biting) because anyone that dates me must love my tits and stare at them adoringly whenever they please but not when I'm talking to them (there are excpetions to this, of course).

Early Grey Tea and Couscous: Both crazy fucking good. Not together.

Blogger: I did an update from school the other day and they are PC's using Explorer and the post creating window had a bunch more options than I get here at home where I'm on a MAC using Safari.

Music: Today iTunes is selecting a repetoire of songs that remind me of home. Not in a sad or longing way, but just making sure I know how great it is there, which is very helpful. If you know of Veda Hille I might just love you.

That home: I'm from Vancouver, Canada. I grew up there and I will be moving back in July. I love that city more than I love myself some days, but I am not really looking forward to going back. That's only because it means I am really far away from Europe and the UK.

This home:I may dislike most of my flatmates (although today has been particularly good) but I love it here. Here as in campus. Here as in town. Here as in city. Here are in Country. Even here as in continent. I will be back here to do my MA no matter how much debt I get into to do it.

Thursday: Finally have gotten a night of friends and drinking planned. We are going to see two bands called Scanners and Kickbox Chamion at one of my favorite bars here. I have lectures at 1:00 the next afternoon so that shouldn't be a problem and wine is only 1.50 a glass (tastes good too - especially compared to the crap house wine at the cinema that costs 3.50), as are house spirits and mixer.

Fucker: I just dropped a spoon of couscous down my shirt.

Joy: I feel good today. My sleeping might be back on track. I'm getting tons of reading done. I have plans to go dancing. Music is good. Conversation is good.

Signals: Today I was walking to campus and was craving something. So I think about what. Crisps? Pizza? Nope. I wasn't hungry, I want a new sweater. I don't know how my brain got shopping and food signals confused, but it's kind of scary. The list so far is: Bras, trainers, sweater and thongs.

Resistance: I want a hair cut and I have to do all I can to not pick up the scissors and try to cut the back myself.

Eye contact: There's a fine line between staring on eye contact. I don't know where it is at most times so I tend not to make eye contact. I have to break that habit. Also if you're making eye contact with someone it means you're watching them watching you and that kind of freaks me out.

Links: I updated and re-ordered them.

Like I need to talk more about myself

A little excercise before I hop into bed where I hope to fall asleep quickly.

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1. My first name
2. My middle name
3. Pumpkin

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
1. Celia
2. starpiste
3. ena

THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. I have good taste in films
2. I'm good at putting make-up on
3. my breasts

THREE THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. my legs
2. the fact I cry really easily
3. that I'm so scared of so many things

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU: (I didn't know this was next, honest)
1. Not being able to get home, where ever that might be at a given time.
2. That I'll be alone forever
3. serial killers

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. MAC tinted lip conditioner
2. a scarf
3. music

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. blue pyjama bottoms
2. grey tank top
3. creama and purple thong

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS AT PRESENT:
1. feist - secret heart (this very secret that you're trying to conceal, is the very same one that you're trying to reveal)
2. the cardigans - You're the storm (come raise your flag upon me, and if you want me I'm your country)
3. razorlight - which way is out (Now you look like you've been up for days, people walk in, people fall out)

THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS:
1. making out with a brit
2. getting back into the habit of running
3. starting a paper more than a week before it's due

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE:
1. I ate an orange this afternoon
2. I remembered my vitamins this morning
3. I sleep with the curtains closed

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT YOUR PREFERRED SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. eyebrows
2. hip area
3. shoulders

THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO:
1. drive a car
2. eat meat
3. forget my past

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. shopping
2. sewing
3. cooking

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. to fall in like and have it be mutual
2. get my new tattoo
3. sleep peacefully with my darling cat

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:
1. academic
2. curator
3. mother

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION IN THE NEXT YEAR:
1. Greece (June!!!)
2. Wales (April!!!)
3. Paris, again (March if I can wrangle the cash)

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. be pregnant, give birth naturally and raise a good person.
2. Get my Ph.D.
3. go in a hot air balloon

Searching

Apparently if you do a search on yahoo! for 'wanking palpitations' I'm result 36 of 54. I think it's fascinating, but I wonder why you'd do a search for wanking palpitations. Curious and great, all at the same time.

I saw a doctor and he said the burn is looking good and just to keep it dry and clean. If it gets itch as it's healing I can put a bit of moisturize it, but it looks good. He did say to watch for redness around it becasue that meaans it's infected, which is gross.

I was thinking about the post from this morning, and I am interested in Elliot. However, it's not a romantic or sexual interest. He interests me because he doesn't drink, because he bites his nails, because he's talks awkwardly. He strikes me as young and innocent and somehow that makes him interesting. It's more like I'm fascinated by how he is totally different from anyone I know. It's like I'd feel bad swearing in front of him or something. Although, I'm sure I have because I have a slight potty-mouth. Once I was wearing a pink hoodie and before our lecture someone across the room pointed at me and said 'that's pink' for whatever reason. I said, half to Elliot and half to myself, that I always get commented on when I wear it and he says "Women who wear pink tend to be very sexually confident." I had no idea how to respond and was glad the lecture started right after that. It still makes me kind of smile, but it was weird. Random fact or comment about someone he knew very little about?

Early Mornings

1. The dream last night consisted of the ex who is an artist. He was trying to get me do finish assignments for school before we went out (Just on friendly terms). At some point an old friend of mine, that he also got to be friends with came and I felt bad because I had forgotten she was coming over, and I had made alternate plans with him. It seemed like I had done the same thing the week before though. I left the room and when I came back they were talking very closely and I was super jealous. Odd because I was never jealous towards him at all and me and him used to have a mutual fantasy that involved her.

2. My burn hurts quite a bit today and I'm definately going to see a doctor.

3. I ran into both Elliot and Paul in the sudent union today. Elliot is awkward when he talks. Like he's thinking too hard, and all I want to ask is why he doesn't drink. As soon as Paul came up to us (they know each other from lectures) Elliot left. It's weird how I'm making friends in this class. Like I keep really quiet in lectures, but when we see eachother outside of class we talk and it's interesting. My Uni experience has not really involved making friends. Until this year my uni was in the city where I had grown up and I already had lots of friends, so wasn't really in a position where I was actively wanting to make new ones. I'm not interested in any of the boys I have been talking to from this lecture, but I think the fact that I am making the friends is a positive step.

Easliy Pleased

Today I ran into a guy from one of my lectures at Sainsbury's we talked for a few minutes and found out we live like 10 seconds away from each other. He's the comedian of the class. I tend to be pretty docile in lectures because my head is in serious mode or something, so I'm rarely in on it as more than a viewer.

Just the other day he was surprised about where I'm from and then tried to impress me by knowing very little about where I am from. Once he called me a lady and I said I don't like that.
He asked me if I liked "Bitch" despite my preference for girl or woman and was a bit caught off guard by my honest response of "in certain situations I prefer it".
Today he told me about his pervious night where he was stranded in the city becasue his friends left but he stayed because a girl was all over him, but when she asked if he wanted to go to hers, he declined.

Anyway, it wass werid how that one little conversation kind of picked up my mood. Just the fact that we talked rather than said just hello. Feels good. I may need gratification, but a little goes a long way.

On another note, I bought Earl Grey tea today and I'm drinking it and it makes me feel like I belong in Britain or something. It's weird but it does. If only it was raining. I have a moment in london like that. I love it.