To Be Loved (amatus)

I just spent the last half hour writing a really long post that I didn't copy first and it was lost into the abyss of wherever lost posts go.

The short of it was I feel lonely today and I want someone who wants me to not feel lonely. I had a dream that was complicated but the main points that transfer into my real life are feeling nervous when it's not warranted and wanting this who guy-finding thing to be simple and natural and uncomplicated.

Last night I at first thought Lily and scotsman were hot because they love each other, but they also lust for each other, then they made me sad because everyone I was with was coupled (friends or relationships) and I was on my own. Two gay boys hooked up and I knew one and was finding him really annoying so I didn't think they were that hot despite me wanting to. I think the reason I found the one boy annoying is because he had said something not so nice to stripedcoat earlier that day and I was irritated that that made stripedcoat leave early and not dance because I wanted to dance with him. I also found out that we think stripedcoat has developed a bit of a drinking problem and it upsets me.

So there it is in under 10 minutes. No details but the important stuff. I want to go home and lie in my bed and cry and read. But instead I have one inspiring and one waste of time lecture to go to and then I'm meeting Victoria and others to go see a film tonight. Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow and Dinner with good people will help.

I do want to add that over all last night was good. Got suitably drunk, danced and have no physical hangover today. And I got to spend lots of time talking with Lily which we haven't done too recently. We're also going to have a dinner party at my flat after the break which is exciting.

myself and others.

Ok, so I'm home from the night out. black thong and black tank that I wore tonight are all I'm still wearing. the tank straps keep slipping down my arms, threatening to reveal a wonderul set of breats. (Is that arrogant?) ANyways, some things I will consider writing about tomorrow.

How I sometimes hate couples.
How coulples sometimes make me want to sleep with them.
My ideal amount of alcohol.
How much gay boys make me hot, unless they are annoying.
What I learnt about stripedcoat.
How much I adore lily and will miss her.
How I need new eye make-up remover.
How disappointed I am to not have lusted over a single boy all night.
How easy it is for me to be all talk and no fucking action.
How sexy I felt with hair tousled from dancing and droplets of rain on my bare cleavage.

I'm almost finished my sandwich and I'm going to go read a transcript or two in bed. Have to e on campus tomorrow by one, so not an early morning by any means. Also, going to a film tomorrow night, dinner on Friday (striped coats birthday) and party on saturday (the hawaiian theme). I'll be around.

You've got mail

Well my parcel had an attempted delivery today but no one was home so I have to call and get the delivery resceduled. Satuurday probably because I'm not likely to be home on the other days to get it.

I ended up not wearing the dress today because of getting up late and watritng for the shower and such circumstances. Normal jeans, tank and sweater instead. I felt pretty though. I also felt smart. leading a presentation, knowing stuff in my seminar. Quite good really.

I'm going to go read some transcripts and have lunch, but I'll be around should it strike me to write anything.

Nipple Clamps?

The Artist liked to bite me. I didn't know I liked to be bit but he made me realize I did. He really liked to bit me though and sometimes he'd bite me at times (on the bus) or in places (on my cheeks, the ones of my face darlings) and then I didn't like it so much.
I remember once we were making out on the couch in my fathers living room. Naturally my shirt and bra had come of really quickly. He was lying on top of me with his clothed leg pressing against my fully clothed pussy. He was fully concentrated on my tits and I was delighted. We had both learned at this point that I can get really close to an orgasm just by playing with tits. Licking the underside of them and bitting my nipples are particularly effective.

Suddenly he stoped. I opened my eyes and looked up at him. He kissed me lightly and said he's sorry. I looked at him confused and he said "I bit too hard." I looked down at my breasts, slowly gowing up and down with my breathing, and I noticed I was bleeding. Very slightly but my left nipple had started to bleed. I kissed him, placed his hand back on my breast and started pushing my pelvis into his thigh again. He took my cue that he should be way less than sorry and we both ended that evening very satisfied.

One of the things on my list of "sex toys to buy" is nipple clamps. I've had my nipple pierced as well but removed it due to being a bit of an annoyance for dance. I've been considering redoing it in the last several months though.

That day though was probably the first time I started to realize that I ddin't mind pain as much as I anticpated I would. We only did that a few times, and only early in the relationship. We never delved into any bondage type stuff, and he wasn't into domination as much as I would have liked him to be. Me being blindfolded was a habitual occurance though. I was also often left with bite marks throughout the time we were together.

Slowly losing touch

Ok, so I was in the library earlier when I posted and I saw young downstairs boy come into use the computers. I don't think he saw me and we didn't aknowledge eachother. But god is he hot. Like disheveled hair and cool clothes and reading and stuff. And it makes me think about the night where we spent tons of time together and blah.

Then I do a bunch of stuff and end up in my departments building and classclown is there. He is not hot. He is charming and outgoing and loud. But he makes me smile and close my eyes too. We talk breifly about not going to our lecture on Friday.

So by this time I'm thinking about these boys, and I rememebr a dream that I had in the last few nights where an old friend of mine who I was very close with when we were about 10-13 and then he moved away. Last time I saw him was about 6 years ago. He was wonderful. I don't remember my dream but it wasn't a bad one and it made me think of him.

Then I'm sitting in a seminar later and I realize one of the guys presenting is fucking hot. Disheveled hair (if you can pull this off, do it - it makes us think of you in bed, which makes us think of you naked, which makes us hot and want to grope you), very worn in chucks, a sweater with a dress shirt underneath (Politics boy does this too and it's hot). So I'm watching him talking and he's smart and british and all that.

But you know what? I won't do anything about any of it and makes me want to put my hand down my pants to feel how wet I am more than it makes me want to jump them. I've got to break this pattern.

Tonight I'm going to stay home and read. Laundry is on the go and a pedicure will occur later. Tomorrow is the big night out.

It Occured To Me

1. That picture is really me. The garter is one of three items I own in red. The others are a thong and a shirt. Also, it makes me realize how really pale I am. I like it usually though and I don't really tan either.

2. Having another dream last night involving the Artist. He came with me and my friends to a trashy English wine bar and ended up flirting a lot with one of my friends. Then he ended up passing out away from us in a bar with another girl. I wasn't mad or jealous at all. I was just glad to see him again, kind of embarrassed by how drunk he got and felt a bit bad for my friend. I'm not worried about the dreams about him though; I know I have them when I want someone. It's like a sign of wanting to be involved with someone who likes me. I also think it's connected to my increase in thoughts about classclown. I don't really know what's going on yet, other than he makes me smile and that in many important ways, he's not the type of person I need in my life for more than friendship.

3. If you haven't figured it out by now, I don't eat meat. I do eat eggs and Dairy though (Laco-ovo Vegitarian). Since I've been here meat is becoming more and more gross to even look at but I think it's party because my flatmates aren't super hygenic about it. This also contributes to me needing the kitchen clean. All that said, eggs are starting to freak me out. I do eat them regularly because they're a great source of protein and I like how they taste, but every time I crack one open I get scared a half developed chicken is going to fall into the pan or bowl or whatever. Like I'm hesitant to break eggs and kind of keep my eyes half closed when I do so.

4. Classclown keeps mocking Elliott (I spell it different everytime I type it) for meeting his girlfriend on the internet. First of all though, I realized today that Elliot tries to get physically involved incoversations but never has anything to say and that I used to do this when I was young, and didn't quite know who I was and was with people I was uncomfortable with. It's unfortunate that he's 19 and still does this. Anyways, I should defend him to classclown and I don't. Truth is, I met the artsist online. We were young and didn't meet live until after talking online and on the phone for over 2 months and didn't start dating until another month or so after that. I didn't mean to meet somone online but it's how it worked. I also don't think that seeking someone out online is bad in any way. I mean why limit yourself to the area where you live.

Off I go to do more reading and go to a meeting.

Planning Stages

Well I know I'm supposed to be reading. And I kind of am. But I was thinking today about wearing a skirt, but it's cold. I do have grey tights that I wear but I wanted to wear this back dress with a sweater that doesn't look good with the grey tights. But a comment that cmae in reminded me that I have a garter I can wear with my fishnets. Paired with my trainers and a clutch this is the perfect thign to wear out on Wednesday.

But I've never worn the stuff together so I put it all on (and took the picture below). But all this putting on fishnets and a garter got me distracted from my reading with a cunt that became very wet and was demanding attention. So I have taken all the clothes off and put on a silk and lace sleep dress (cream, sheer, vintage, knee length). I am now sitting with said sleep dress pulled up to my waist and I'm going to read one of the books. I can read the other one tomorrow as it's for as assignment due later.

So, I am even more excited for Wednesday because it means dressing up and may even include curly hair or big sparkly black hoop earrings. with the black nail polish too, I'm feeling fucking awesome. And, the sex toy should arrive Friday at the latest. Probably won't play with it until then though no matter when it arrives.

warm and cozy

I'm at home now. I'm sitting in the comfortable chair in a pink tank with lace trim and my new thong that's white with black polka-dots. May hair is tired up in a bun. I've got some leftover pasta by my side, as well as stuff to do my nails (black polish) and 4 books, 3 of which I must return by tomorrow at 10:00 am. I also have translation to do for my fun lecture in the morning. On top of that I want to read at least some of the magazine I bought and do my usual internet stuff. Today I bought a hip flask with my uni's logo on it. Not only useful but a way more representative souvenir than a shirt of something.

This afternoon I was walking home and thinking about how much I hate pictures of myself. And really it's because when I see pictures of myself, I don't think I look like that. Even on the rare occasion when I look good in a picture I'm kind of shocked. When when I look in the mirror sometimes, I see not quite what I picture. I mean you think if there was anyone who's image would be the same in reality and in imagination it would be yourself.

Live from the Library

Well I didn't get up early this morning as planned so now I have to stay at the library for at least two hours. I've got a load of reading to do for various things.

I got some good emails today including a free place to stay while I'm in London in early April, which is super good. I'm feeling anxious about Wednesday. An assignment will be done and have fun plans with Lily and likely others. Very excited.

The party I'm going to is a Hawaiian theme and I'm not sure what to wear. I can't justify buying a grass skirt or something. I know tons of girls will be wearing bikin tops, which I would not do even if I owned one. I will put flowers in my hair because I already have them. I would wear a grass skirt but can't justify the purchase. We'll see. I'll see what Victoria is planning on wearing.

One Post A Day

Today has been a whole lot of work. Well mostly. I did wake-up, wank and then not get out of bed until 1:00. But after that I worked a lot. I have just finished a late dinner and watching some American Idol. I am now going to do a bit more work and head to bed to read the magazine I bought Friday.

I was up late last night doing homework and talking to a friend so I'm pretty tired. I did dream again last night, but nothing like Fridays and nothing I can really remember. I did involve a guy though. Don't know how. Tomorrow my 9:00 am lecture isn't happening so I'm going to go onto campus later but still early and do some work in the library.

I feel boring today, so there's not much to say. I'm excited for this week though: one more assignment done, a film, dancing and a party. Two assignments due for next week and then I am officially on Easter break. I should also have a new toy by the end of the week.

Hope everyones weekend was as relaxing as mine, but in a more exciting way.