Colour and Sun

I have actually gotten a tan. Not a burn but a real live tna on my chest, shoulders and upper arms. This is kind of exciting. My skin tone is kind of like most other peoples with no tan and all the freckles on my shoulders have totally come out. It's fun. It was beautiful out after about 11:00 and it'll be another great day wheather-wise tomorrow.

It's been an even later night and I'm exhausted. My legs are tired, my eyes are tired. The only part of my body that doesn't want to sleep is my pussy but it's just going to have to wait until I have a tad more energy.

There's a comment on this post that will get you all up to speed on the mini-stitch with Midge. I am totally settled about it and content to leave it alone. The festival has a way of making me feel setteled about the world really. It also reassuress me that there are lots of hot, single guys that are into cool music. If only I could actually meet one...

Calming

Well I am at home and just about to sleep because we have to be up by 7:30 tomorrow. My irritation with Titania has calmed mostly because this is my official weekend of no stress and I think when she spends haoppy time with me it relaxes her and she feels a bit more focused.

I got through the night with only needing to cry a few times but then not actually needing to so no actual crying occured. It's weird that I have no actual after-death beliefs so what I think about it all is coming really naturally and is hard to explain but sort of comforting, in a way, sometimes.

The watehr was not good but only a few oatches of light rain in the early evening and it does look like it was starting to clear a tiny bit so I am so ready to wear a skirt and tank top tomorrow it's not even funny. I want it to be sunny and hot sooooo bad.

Complaints

1. Well the weather was supposed to be great this weekend but it looks like the forecast has moved forward a day. So today they're expecting rain and tomorrow clouds then the sun I was expecting is on SUnday and Monday. I hope the weather people are wrong and it brightens up a lot this afternoon.

2. Titania went to the boy's house and stayed last night and itsn't home yet and I'm a bit irritated. Maybe unreasonably though. Basically this is a super hard weekend for me and I'm feeling really alone about it. Also she knows about Reginas brother and that it means I have to go to work this morning but she's not here yet to pack everything we need for the weekend. I'm a planner and this stresses me out. Plus the dishes aren't done and I understand why she doesn't feel like doing them with her job and all but they can't stay like that all weekend. I just hate that he is the only thing tht motivates her but she's not trying to find anything ele. And really all he motivates her to do is to go out with him. That to me is not how someone should make you feel. They should make all parts of your life better and more exciting or at least more bearable. They should make you want to be a better version of yourself. But I guess they are just casual and you can't expect much. But she hasn't followed up on the jobs she applied for and that's just killing her own chances to get away from her shitty job that she hates.

I really just want her to be happy with her life and not just a stupid guy. A stupid guy can be part of it and certainly not all.

3. I'm just sad and tearful and have a lot to do but I'm only half thinking and she's chosen spending the morning with him instead of helping me. I'm kind of hurt.

Death

I had a hard time on my way to work this morning because they reality of going to the Festival this weekend (the beloved Folk Fest) without my dad hit me. I alwasy go with him and this year I can't. Just Tara and I. It's crappy. I have to go there tonight to meet with the committee I volunteer on and usually my Dad would also be having a meeting so we'd bus back into our end of the city together. But not today. Today I go alone and return alone. Total crap.

Also, to make the world more uplifting, I arrived at work today around 10:30. Some background becasue I will no doubt be blogging about it. I work in an office and we make medical devices and there is a lab. I think our company has a total of 11 people. It's tiny. So there's my bosses Heavy and Keavy (of HK Inc). Heavy works from home and apparently only comes in about once a month now. But he does payroll and is the main one in charge of the project I'm doing. Keavy is currently on holidays but works in the office whenever he's not out seeing clients in the city or elsewhere in North America.

Then there's the lab manager who is also Keavy's younger brother. He is hilarious and so nice but has the crappiest work ethic ever. He's laid back and procrastinates and it drives me crazy when I'm trying to put policies into the labs day-to-day activities. We'll call him Delinquent becasue I call him that alot.

There's also Olive of course who is away this week and next. She is Heavy's neice. The two other women that work with us in the office are Sandals who's in her late 40's and is really nice, a hard worker and other good stuff, and Regina, a woman in her late 30's who is very catholic but so sweet and naive. The people in the office make me love this job when the lab and management are totally on my nerves.

So anyways, I came in and only Sandlas was here. I thought Regina might be in the lab becasue her sister-in-law works there but then I found out she left this morning shortly after arriving because her brother died this morning. I don't knwo what has happened yet but it's awful.

But it's a nice day out (expecting to hit 32 c over the weekend) and I have a weekend coming up that is usually my best weekend of the entire year and I want it to continue to be that. So here's a big FUCK YOU to death. I don't like you and you make me sad and angry when I don't want to be. You suck asshole!

Cut-off point

Well today I re-confirmed the fact that I have a serious problem with shopping. Breakfast out for Chattons birthday turned into a shopping trip. Shoes, purse, skirt, hoodie (and yes, shoes is plural on purpose) and more. Everything I bought was under 20.00 each so I was at least buying things that were at good prices.

I'm just at home now. I'm cooking for dinner but have everything I can do started (little dishes of chopped garlic on the counter even) but I need Titainia to come home with the rest of the ingredients. Then we'll cook and eat (I'm so hungry) and probably watch TV or films. It's wednesday so that means I have good trash to watch.

In sad news a friend I know through Miranda is really sick. I haven't seen him in years but he's super sweet and we were good friends at one point. He endured trivial persuit with me even. But he's in the hospital with pneumonia and the doctors have basically said that he's not likely to get better and people need to say their goodbyes.

I was in a vintage shop when I got off the phone with Miranda and went into this rant based on her comment that people in their 20's shouldn't die. Mine went on about how no one under 80 should die, ever. I was speaking out loud to Chatton and the universe. I wanted the universe to know that people dying in their twenties and in their fifties is totally not ok. It's wrong and just not how the world should be.

But then I guess tons of things that happen are not how I believe the world should be. An as I'm typing this a song that played at my Dad's funeral started. It's So Long, Marianne by Leonard Cohen. I'm exchanging CD's with someone and the songs to be included are your choice based on your own answers to a bunch of questions. Like on of the questions is your favorite Holiday song and I am using Wham!'s Last Christmas.

Anyways, I chose this song for the song to be played at my funeral. It's kind of upbeat but still perfect. We chose it as part of my dad's service because we knew we wantd to include a Leonard song but not sure which was. Then I was going through my Dad's binder of guitar tabs and found this song and the lyrics are great.

Now so long, Marianne, it's time that we began to laugh and cry and cry and laugh about it all again...

Ok, sad over the next song on the list is the song I'd want to play at my wedding. Now I have issues with the concept of marriage and don't really get it. I won't be getting married unless it gives me something else like tax breaks, child benefits or dul citizenship or something like that. That all sounds awful - I believe in monogamy and making a commitment I just don't se why I should need a government to rubber stamp it for it to mean more.

Distracted again, my point was that I won't have a wedding but I'll have a big party at some point and if it's to celebrate love the song that I will be sure to include is You're the Storm b The Cardigans. I makes me feel loved just hearing it. The party will also be well decorated and have amazing food.

I'm at work!

Well all new adventures really when I get to blog from work. I have my laptop here and have hooked myself into the net work and it's great. I have got a bunch of stuff done this morning. Big thing however, is that Olive, who I'm supposed to be training and can't finish this work without, has been shipped off to a two week temp job by our boss so isn't here. I can still do stuff but my office fun buddy is missing. Upside is that I will start to bring lunch and that will save me money. Well, as long as I avoid frappuccino's at the starbucks across the road.

Finding Excitement

I bought new toys today. The smartballs I have coveted for a while are now mine. Plus the lavaspot in matching colours. It's much tinier than I though but has some cool pulse settings and is nestled in between my legs but tunred off as I type. Titania is sleeping on the couch and our new "Golden Girls" DVD's are playing.

I'm thinking about Midge and what any of this does if anything. I'm not "worried"or anything like that, but I will admit there are some new "what if's" and curiosities about her return. We have a plan to spend a day or two alone just to cook, and craft and listen to music and stuff. We thought about this a long while ago and isn't formally set at all but it's in the plans. So now it's gently rolling around my head if that has suddlenly taken on additional potential.

I mean I've had crushes on girls but never anything I've wanted to act on, or known that there was potential reciprocation. And my only girl-girl experience that was more than experimenting was a kiss snuck in the heat of the moment when the Artist left me and one of our friends alone for a few minutes while watching a film. We never talked about it and it never happened again.

So now I've trying to decide if I actually do want to act on this or it's just some fodder and lots of missing her and the immense growth of our friendship over the last 8 months or so. I miss our long rambling chats and I am eager to have her home to hang out with. The question is, are missing her and sexual frustration combining to give me confusing and false feelings or I am I totally overthinking and a little harmless making out would be great? or something like that.

I also think part of this is that she knows. I've fantasized about friends before but they've never known. (aside: I don't know how much of her thoughts she is passing onto me is considered fair game to re-type here. Total grey area. If she didn't read I wouldn't care but she does.) And I know she thinks positively to a certain degree I just don't know to what extent and in what way.

I realize we should talk about it but occasioanl emails aren't the way to go. But then maybe I should just relax and enjoy my sexual thoughts for now and set aside reality until it's closer. Maybe by then we'll both have boys and be less sexually frustrated. However, I think even if I'm getting laid I'll still kind of want more. hmm. But it's all good thoughts, and maybe it's only about not getting my hopes up. That is an actual possibility.

Last, and unrelated, thing: I have a awfully sore throat and have been sucking on strepsils like there's no tomorrow. Everyone hope I don't get sick. I have a very important weekend coming up.

Blabbering, pt 2

thought completion: about half the people in my life are single but they strike me as more easily coupled/laid than me for whatever stupid reason.

extra note: I am lazy (typing with one hand even) but didn't want to make a third rambling post about nothing.

regret: I should have said more about things with Midge (completely fine) but I didn't. I think it falls in the "too sensitive to be said aloud" category and will be written soon. I will also ignore that she will actually read whatever I type because it's only fair to the rest of you. and her, really. BUt it is all good stuff if only with a bit of wondering.

Blabbering, part 1

Back In Bed

Written around 1:40 in the afternoon:

It's kind of cold in my falt so I just want to stay curled up in my warm down comforter and spend all day here. I did get up for a bit to eat and watch a downloaded episode of 30 Days, whichc was quite good. Now I am back in my bed. I actually was woken up by the cat wanting out this morning so I opened the back door that is right at the end of my bed and I could hear the rain and it was really nice.

I just let the cat out again and accidentally caught her tail in the door. She's a little freaked out to come back in. Ok, she's come back in now because a cat that likes to beat her up is on the deck. Also, she does not seem to be upset with me so that's good.

Last night I had a dream where A bunch of my friends were on a bed at my flat and were naked or partially naked and then I started to play and suck their breasts and nipples but then another friend callled to say she was on her way over and I knew she would not approve of the behaviour so we all got back dressed. Then everyone was hungry but I felt too lazy to cook so people were picking things out of the cupboards to cook for themselves.

Later in the evening:

I was supposed to go to a show tonight but after many tears shed after a conversation with my mom, not an argument at all, and Titania not going out and realizing that if we were to make it to the show we'd have to leave in like 20 minutes and neither of us had eaten we decided against going. Instead we ate out again and watched the office special.

I could spend a bit typing out details of my conversation with C but I think it's enough that I approached him, we did talk over the course of the night, he said he'd watch for the DVD I want to arrive in and that he'd give me a discount if he's in when I buy stuff. All good stuff but nothing super exciting. I am going to try to keep very relaxed about it.