Drunk in Vancouver

It's finally happened. In so many ways.

Yes, Midge is the friend I am fantasizing about on a fairly regular basis and with some thought and avoidance for a few days I might actually think is a good idea in real life should we still actually be in the same places we are now. sexsually frustrated and without any other possible prospects. I think we talk about sex enough that it could be very decent and we have four more months to increase that success rate. I probably wouldn;t be saying this if I wasn't drunk and if not for the following but both are true and I am thinking that the best thing will eb a true result. Email me darling.

I want to wank so bad right now but Titania is home and not asleep yet. A very long, intesnse and lingering orgasm will happen in the morning no matter what I might do once this post is complete.

BUT accomplishment of the evening really involves the party which was great. It renewed my faith in some people here that I was kind of friends with and now and good friends with and that we can have so much fun here for the next 20 months. Titania fell alseep on the couch by midnight as she was tired and has been very stressed over the day.

BUT , again, I talked to C in a non-crazy-drunk way because he was actually there! Yay! Nothing too exciting, but I took the vulnerable approach and asked him if he remembered meeting me and he didn;'t but all was cool. We talked a bit and over the course of the last few hours I moved from the couch that was accross the room from him to the same couch and right beside him. I left without a formal good bye but he's going to keep an eye out for the film I want at Virgin and will give me a discount if he ever rings me up again. I feel great about how calm and not crazy I was. yay! again!

I have not the faintest idea if he was interested but I looked great and was drunk but very conversational still and I think I made a great impression. I am super happy with how the evening turned out. I am goign to finish my huge glass of water and then wank, only maybe to orgasm, before falling into a blissful sexually charged slumber.

London

I am sad. Death bothers me, seeing photos of london under such circumstances bothers me, fear bothers me, war bothers me, violence bothers me. I dislike that we live in a world where people do things like this to other people.

I am making crepes for breakfast for Tatania and her sister. We've got a bunch of things to put on them, both sweet and savory.

I have no plans for today and I am just hanging out. Tonight we're going to Claire's but until then there's no plan. I have some papers to sort and until then I'll just watch the bad day time TV and relax.

Developing

Tonight Tiania and thign her the boy were weird. I guess I just hold people up to a high standard and if I'm somehow upset with how I'm being treated I'll almost always say something even if it's just a small comment the next time we talk. Especially if I'm upset enough to tell other people about it. So when she doesn't I feel like I should say something but then she doesn't need anyone tellling her what to do and if she wanted my advice she'd ask.

But when you wait around for three hours to go out and then when you say you're not interested anymore because you're frustrated about waiting so long and then he's irrtated at you for being confusing and you think that's completely fair I think somethings wrong.

Also, Tonight I overheard her talking to her mom and she said that he was the only thing making her happy right now and so she wanted to spend a lot of time with him. I think that's bad. People should add to your happiness not be the source of it, especially the only source of it. I know she's unhappy with her job and she's feeling dissatisfied with some of her friends but those are things only she has the power to change. It's not like she can't get a better job or go out with the friends she does enjoy, or meet new people. But when she spends most of her free time with me or the boy, it limits her time to presue other things. I'm on her ass about the job and I am wanting to go out much more now plus I think that it's ok to not hang out with friends who you don't have a good time with.

I guess I am a firm believer that you create your own happiness and it can't depend on any one thing. Or maybe I'm just jealsous or have unreasonable expectations. I may be a little unhappy about not being in England and having to go to UBC in the fall but I'm trying to focus on what I do have and the good parts of it. I have to because I know what happens to me if I don't.

I also think part of it is that I'm not sure about this guy in general and I have not met him. I know he stayed here overnight before I came home and I know Titania would rather stay here with him sometimes. He's weird about it because I am sleeping in the living room (Separated by great curtains as of this morning) but I told her it was fine under a few conditions. Basically no sex that I can hear can occur, I have to meet him first outside of the flat and not on a night where he ends up over, and that my sleeping schedule be respected. But he's not interested.

I want to get off that topic because it's kind of frustrating me. I just don't want her to shove aside her feelings for his because then she has less right to feel hurt if his behavour repeats because she didn't tell him it was not ok the first time. It's confusing and inconsistant. blah. ok, I'm really done now.

I went to virgin today again. I didn't see C, almost bought Quills and actually bought Wonderfalls. I am not at all expecting to see him tomorrow at Claires. I am also probably going to go out on Friday night to see a friends show even though I am supposed to go to my sisters overnight. I'll end up just going there in the morning instead. I told Titania but she didn't seem too intersted so I'm not sure who I'll go with. I have a few other people to ask though.

Have I mentioned how much I love my queen size bed compared to the tiny single in England? The down duvet is really much better too. (yes, I am in bed right now.)

I wanted to say one not-so-cryptic thing before I go. You know how when there's something that you want to say but you aren't sure how it'll be received so you don't quite say it, but it's obvious what you want to say? ya. I have to go wank now. more tomorrow.

Seeking Slumber

I am lying in bed. I am kind of tired but not wanting to actually sleep. My neck is really sore but I don't think not sleeping will help it any. I wanked earlier because I should take advantage of Titania's absence but came really bloody quickly. I don;t usually take a long time but tonight I was kind of surprised by the speed. Usually whe I am wanting to have an orgasm just to release energy I'll be faster but that wasn't the case tonight.

I'm feeling a bit fucked up and my neck is really quite sore.

Basically I feel off because I am constantly fantasizing about a friend and C is a stoner but I'm still hoping he'll be at Claire's birthday gathering on Thursday night. I guess there are a few things about these situations that make me see them as a problem.

First, I think that if C is there that I will be a dork and not actually talk to him or be really aloof and make no eye contact. This would be normal behaviour from me. The other alternative I'm used to is getting really drunk and silly but the only thing we'll be drinking is a bottle of wine split between Titania and I.

The other issue with C is that he smokes pot. I guess I'm just in a place where my experiences irritate me and I don't want to jump to the conclusion that this means he will be boring and slow and complacent, but I do. I know it doesn't have to be true but it often is. I want to be meeting people who want to go out and do things and I kind of assume he won't be that way. He'll just break the flow of drinking games because he's too stoned to keep up. Blah.

I actually will be going to Virgin tomorrow afternoon because I have to go downtown to do something else so I might as well check if the DVD I want (and if he) is there. He hasn't been in the last three times I've been there but one of those times I didn't go downstairs to the area he works in.

ok, I feel a bit less occupied now and a bit more tired. Off I go.

Epidemic

Today I stayed home mostly because it's been raining all day. But I did some things around the house and had the patio door open all day because it's warm and I love the sound of rain. Right now all the lights are off except for a small lamp on the table where Titania is looking for jobs and for a 5 candle candelabra that is fully lit. I am on the couch with the lap top revelling in Van Morrison's Astral Weeks on the record player. The cat is chasing her food around the kitchen floor before eating it.

The scene is set.

But I did go out today and I saw a guy I had thought good things about over a year ago. He works at a super cool lesbian owned toy store in my neighbourhood. He's really tall and weird and funny. Some other guy I hadn't seen before rang up what I was buying but this guy came over and talked. We always chatted before about various things. Some of his art was showing at a local library and he mentioned I should go see it.

Once I was there and I was buying jacks for crafts. I was looking at them oddly and he asked if there was something wrong with them so I said something about needing jacks I could drill holes through. He said he thought those ones would work and that he had lots of experience with drilling. I snickered after I left the shop. There's also always a riddle of some sort on their sign outside and I knew the answer today so I went in to make sure I was right and I was.

So another boy to think about but never act upon. Story of my self-made world really.

Also on my mind are vibrators. So I was thinking of getting the Tech Direct Gift pack on this page. However I am also interested in the mermaid.

They are comparably priced but totally different. I was never one for the "dual" type vibes, but since I've gotten one that can be used during penetration I have a renewed enthusiasm for it, but always miss the clit action when using it that way. However the Lava spot is waterproof and something about wearing the smartballs when no one else knows is kind of hot to me.

A life of difficult decisions I know. Unrequited love and a growing sex-toy collection. I feel like sighing.

Last thing of note today is something I hinted at earlier I think. I'm hesitant to get it out of the safe space of my head but I know I should and I can't actually tell anyone. I have a platonic female friend who has been playing a pretty significant role in my wanking thoughts as of late. I knid of just letting it be that right now because it makes for great orgasms but it's not something I want to actually act on right now. I don't think so at least.

I think I'll leave things at that for now. I;m downloading all of the season 4 Queer Eye episodes. They'll be so fun to watch.

On and On

Ok, before I continue what I was starting to talk about on the audio post I want to say that I think my voice is much truer to what I sound like day-to-day than my last one was.

But I was talking about Betty Dodson's column in BUST. The thing is that often she uses it as a way to sell her products or products she supports/sells on her site. This doesn't bother me at all when she does it on her site but in BUST it does. Also I dislike how she is kind of discouraging to the theory of female ejaculation - something I've never done but something I believe others do. She doesn't say it doesn't exist but in a recent letter said basically that if you're happy without it why try as it might not be possible for everyone. I think that's just silly though. I know part of her non-focus on it is that she really holds the clitoral orgasm as very important and wants to take attention away from vaginal/penetrative orgasms but why does one have to be more important than the other?

My final gripe tonight is that when a man asked about buying a dildo for anal use that could be shared she said only to do so with a condom on the toy. Good idea, but sillicone is a material that can be sterilized and shared between partners safely and she didn't even mention that. hmmm.

But, I'll still go to her site to look at photo's readers send in of their own pussy's/cock's because that kind of thing makes me hot.

Also, I realized while making my audio post that I wasn't comfortable saying sexually explicit things (wank is a word I strangely avoided) despite loving to do so in intimate or close-friends situations. I'm hoping that will change but in the mean time if I venture into sexual subjects with my voice it'll be unique and infrrequent but a step forward.

oh ya, I still want to be loved and fucked, just in case anyone things I'm settling down and my hair is all curly/wavy today and looks cute.

edit to add: I'm in a spending mode and want new toys and my fav sex toy store has packaged two toys I want with a great sounding lube (thick like aloe, yay!) together and offers $10.00 off on them. I must talk to blondie about how she likes the one she ownes that is in there. exciting.

I am

jealous of people in love or having sex on a regular basis. Not bitter jealous but something else. Longing, hopeful, worried.

Almost an Edit

About C, our mutual friend didn't just say he was a stoner. She said he was really talented at what he does and that he'd have a really great future a head of him if only he'd not smke pot so often. That to me was the really bad sign. Also, this group of friends (includes this girl, Claire we'll call her, and Chatton) has recently kind of lost (or distanced) one of our dearest because of a coke habit he developed. I'll admit this might affect how I'm feeling about drugs in general especially when I never thought this guy had the bad sense to advance the drug use as he did and used to be one of my examples of people who could smoke pot but still progress with their life in a positive way.

I guess I've just had some people who could handle drugs and others who let it take them over. Sometimes in really extreme ways. and other times it just made them boring. Neither is good really. Maybe I'll go more into how I see drugs another time. It's complex and still something I'm sorting out. I don't like feeling automatically negative about someone who does them but more and more my negative experiences are out-weighing the positive ones.

I was going to talk a bit about how I used to be a dancer becasue I wasn't sure if my ballet references below were confusing. Then I thought I might have already done so. Who knows really. I'm feeling scattered nd confused today.

I got a bunch of digital phtots developed yesterday from the year away. I go to pick them up today but I am so concerned that they won't look goood and it seriously kept me from sleeping. I feel kind of sick-nervous about it and my dreams were full of references to photo's. Both situations about others photos and the ones I'm anxious about.

Titania is just getting ready to go out becasue she is going to a wedding today. I am going to go have a bath with my new bath/massage oil I bought on Wednesday. Then I've got to pick up phtots and a few other things. I am also waiting to hear from Miranda about going out tonight.

Being a dancer

I bought new pants to lay around the house in and they make me feel like I should be doing pilates or ballet warm ups or something. It's a good feeling though. Comfortable, stong and relaxed all at the same time, motivated in some way too.

I just went to hook up a scanner to the computer and found out it's too old to work with the mac so no luck there. I guess I'll let my sister have it becasue her computer is old enough that it'll work for her.

I feel sexy and secure today. I kind of straightened my hair before going out, only had a tiny bit of makeup on but simple comfortable clothes. I'm still feeling a little down though and think I'm going to not go into work next week either (I should email Olive and tell her) but I'll get some work done from home so I'm not stalling the project Im supposed to be working on.

I also went into Virgin today but stayed upstairs and away from the section were C works and instead just to where the girl I know works. We chatted a bit about music (juliette and the licks and the Earlies especially) and then I asked about C. Turns out she's actually good friends with him and he's really nice and cool and fun. However, and it's a big however, he's a stoner. Now I'm not against pot in general but if you're friends call you a "stoner" I just don't know how interested I am in you anymore. Kind of sucks but we'll see.

(a song that we played at my Dad's funeral just came on - I'll Be Here In The Morning by Townes Van Zandt)

In other news I was just inspired to check my site stats. Basically something was screwed up with my uk connection or something and I hadn't been able to get onto the site in a long time but today it works. I've added a tiny counter that displays unique visitors to the site based on a cookie that lasts one hour.

I also stopped by a shop that one fo my good friends works in when Titania were downtown doing stuuf today. It was so good to see him and we said we'd make plans to go out soon. It was great. He'll get a name soon but not today.

Titania and I were going to go out tonight to see a show with some great local bands (ie Young and Sexy - also check out their label MINT which has a bunch of great bands) but we're feeling broke and these bands are around frequently enough. So instead she's going to see the boy and I am staying in to relax and craft. Maybe I'll do some ballet warm ups even. Time will tell.

Added Information

1. I am going through all my pictures of the year and I will be printing up my favorite hundred or so. Considering I have some 1200 pictures that I have taken since September that should be amusing.

2. I am in love with Craig Furguson (a scot). He hosts late late night after David Letterman (who I really dislike). He replaced Craig Kilborn (I had a huge crush on him) sometime in the last few years when I wasn't watching TV. I think it's partly my yearning for the accent but he's so funny and has cool guests too.

3. I sat on my roofdeck for a few hours this evening with Titania and crafted. We brought the laptop up so we could listen to music and the sun was shining and it was very nice.

4. I spent $140.00 on a flat iron yesterday and I love it even though it was stupid-expensive. It works so well and the added confidence of adoring my brilliantly straight hair is so worth it.

5. I smell like sunsceen and I like it.