Better

I am feeling much better this morning. Chatton and I went and did all the damage deposite and stuff and the couple who owns the house is lovely. I also went downtown with her to her work and went into see the Knitter. We're still going to totally be friends and that is good. As chatton pointed out in a few months I'll confess I totally liked him while drunk and it'll be funny.

I've got to go back to sorting and packing. In six days I will be sleeping in the new house. yay!

Defeated

Half way through the craft meet the following sentence comes out of the Knitters mouth: "In septemeber I ended a really bad relationship with my boyfriend and moved suddenly." So that's the end of that. I think he'll become a friend though because we do get along well.

I just feel like rubbish though. It's like all these good things I was doing mean nothing and I'm still where I was and I suck. I feel like an idiot and all that other stuff.

I thought I was going to come here and bitch but I can't. I feel bad and I feel some sort of pain that extends so far beyond this and it just feels bad and deep and empty. I'm kind of crying which I know has nothing to actually do with the knitter but I feel stupid all the same. Cryings hard for me now. Crying isn't just an emotional release for me anymore. It's serious sadness - sadness that physically hurts even if it has nothing to do with my dad and england. It just brings it all forward and I feel broken. I couldn't even care about The Knitter right now.

I just rubbed my eyes and now have black all over them from the stunning eye make-up a guy at MAC did for me today. I'm sure it's all over my cheeks too.

I'll probably give more substance tomorrow and not feel as bad. At least I have councelling on thursday.

Added at 11:16:
I'm a bit more sorted now. I guess I just have so much going on emotionally it just gets all caught up. I wasn't upset until I got alone while walking home. I'm still going to go into his work and chat and all that stuff. He'll still get the occasional party invite and all that stuff. I'm jut feeling a bit frustrated by it is all. In time I will find a new guy I am interested in and be just as flirty and such with him. And I will take the confidence I deveolped somehow over the last few weeks to make dealing with that guy easier.

Tomorrow is a new day and I have tons to do in the next two weeks with the move and such. I guess I just feel full of baggage and have an assumption that no one will want to deal with that. Plus I'm weird and not gorgeous and that all adds up to a lot of concessions on another persons part. I know that's negative but it's something present for me and times like this just make it feel more of a focus of who I am.

moving!

We just found out we can have the flat we saw yesterday. We are very excited as it means we'll be moving in one short week! It'll cost us more becasue we'll be paying rent for two places for much of the month but the benefits will totally pay off.

And I'm seeing the Knitter today. Everyone already knows that but whatever!

the happy sigh

He emailed!!! But he is not coming tonight. Sunday though. I am excited though because I emailed him back saying that there was an art show an other month and that I just want to have a conversation when he's not at work.

Another upside is that he mentioned he's not currently working on a project so is just going to be doing a quick and easy thing. As Chatton was wonderful enough to point out this means he's not just coming to work on the project but to see me. Wee!

Wasting time

Well I wasn't really expecting the Knitter to come to the art show tonight. I was hoping but now I am no longer doing that. I'm still excited to see him out of his work tomorrow, but gone are the daydreams of excitement and progress tonight.

I'm really just bored. I have someone coming to see my flat at one and until then I'm just sitting around. I've already had some breakfast and cleaned up a bunch. I even did some sorting. After that I am going to go meet Chatton at work. I'm going to go early though so I can have a scone and a coffee. I might take a crochet project up with me too to work on.

ok, I obviously had nothing of substance to say. I just wanted to waste some time.

Punk Rock

The concert tonight was good but we left after the band we knew played. Chatton has to work at 7:00 am and I'm just tired. I just had a shower and feel all cozy in my new bathrobe.

I've thought a lot about the Knitter (I had a missed call from an unrecognized number and they didn't leave a message!) and that I really want to get to know him. I also articulated why I wanted him to come to the art show so much when I know I will see him on Sunday; basically if he comes to the show I know he wants to hang out with me but the craft group could just be becasue he wants to hang out with people and craft. Plus, no one-on-one talking will occur at the group.

I also received a call from American Airlines today about an application I sent in about two weeks ago before I accepted the position at HK Inc. I'm still going for the interview and won't decide anything until I'm offered the job. I could do both or turn it down. I'm excited about it though and already have half of my outfit sorted.

I also decided that next week I am going to buy a new book to read that is not self-help. I'm thinking a play maybe. Not sure yet but I'm sure The Knitter will help me out.

In need of distraction

I kind of lost it last night. I have relaxed again and I hope not to relapse. I think the combination of excitement and major sexual frustration was just overwhelming. Today I went to work as planned and got more than I expected done. I feel like just in the last few weeks I've made huge progress which is great.

Now I have about 4 hours to keep myself distracted before meeting up with Chatton for dinner and the concert. I'm going to go to my moms and looks at the classifieds for apartments but otherwise there are no plans. Tomrrow we are seeing an apartment that I am a bit excited about. Price and location both seem really good.

About the knitter though, every new email gets me excited as does the phone ringing. I still don't expect him to come with us tomorrow night.

Gushing

I had a good day today. Breakfast with Chatton and Titania went longer than expected so I decided I'd go to work tomorrow instead of today. Then we headed downtown for some light but needed shopping. I ended up with a bath robe and a tank top. Of course we found a reason to see the Knitter at work. We also talked to his co-worker who we really like and is from England. We want to make her our friend.

Anyways, more talking plus glances and smiles as she was helping us rather than him. He met Titania and we talked about the sad state of his shoes. He assured us all he needed was duct tape but we all disagreed completely and said he needed new shoes. He failed Titanias "shoe test for boys". However, he passed my "drinking test for everyone" stating Gin and tonics as his drink of choice.

Chatton is in agreement with me about him seeming to want to know me better. He knews the details about the art show on Saturday but no word on if he is going to come yet. He is definately coming to the craft group though. I am excited but I think I will be more excited if he decides to come to the art show. More out of his comfort zone and more potential for talking alone.

Chatton and I went to her work tonight and talked to her only male co-worker about if boys can tell whhen someone likes them based on certain behaviour. His basic answer was that at least he couldn't and that actions spoke way louder than words. I understand for sure but I think things are progressing decently for now. I don't want to push things too much, especially when he seems kind of shy and quiet. But I also think I have to be a bit more forward if he starts hanging out with us a bit and I start to know him better and want to for sure take it that way.

But you know right now I'm good. I am relaxed around him. He's seen me dressed up all professionally and also in my yoga pants and hair tied back. He does really need new shoes. It's not that his are particularly awful style wise (but there is room for improvement if he wanted to go that direction) they just have holes in them. big ones. silly boys.

But right now I like boys. This one is causing me little angnst now and just excitement. It's good.

Edit at 11:42: I'm trying to sleep but I can't. I know it's still early but I want to sleep well so I'm motivated to go to work tomorrow. Instead all I can do is think about the Knitter and sex. Not sex with him yet really. Well kind of but not entirely. With him I just want to know if he is interested and to know that he knows I am too. That's the next step and I want to be there. I really do want him to come on Saturday. I'm trying not to think he will but I'd really like him too.

It's driving me mad and I want to have an orgasm and drift off to a pleasant sleep but it's impossible. I just stay at this level of heightened excitement that never fully disappears. Like I am super aroused but never going to hit that end point and there comes a point where it's just frustrating to keep trying. I just want to cum and that used to be so fun and easy.

And it all gets tied to the knitter. I can work on the shoes later. I just want to know. I just want to have him do something to let me know. Or make me feel a little more secure in trying more. I was calm earlier but now I'm crazy. I know it's all physical and sex right now but I just want it. It's not like I want him to be my boyfriend, I just want to know if he wants to hang out with me once in a while with the potential for making out. To see if we actually get along and have fun together.

Today Chatton and I mentioned that we had made soap and he asked "With what kind of fat?" I explained I was doing the lazy Melt/Pour way and not cold/hot process but that fact he knew how to make soap from scratch made me want to grab him. It was hot. And I was thinking about what he's going to be working on at the craft group but just when I thought about sitting with him knitting I was done. That was enough.

Maybe I'm just getting so tired of my complete lack of boys and with my current ability to do new things I just feel...something. I don't know. All of this is going nowhere. But then somehow it is actually going somewhere. We are seeing each other on Sunday. We have things in common. He might come to the art show. He might come to a party one day. He has thought about us becoming better friends. He likes to talk to me. He wants to come to Daiso with us. He owns lots of books. He lives downtown which is sexy. He doesn't need to always be in a relationship.

But nothing can be done tonight. Nothing can be done for sure until Sunday. That is unless he calls me and comes to the art show. Then I can drink and touch him and be weird. In a good way. An he can be weird too and hoepfully it'll all be fun. And then he'll touch me back and it'll be cute and Chatton will giggle at me because she's never seen me like that with a boy I actually like and isn't just a friend.

I sound crazy right now. I am going to go back to my bed where my vibe is and try to get some bloody rest. I need to not think about this until something actually moves forward. I feel the need to scream or something but it would wake Titania up.

goodness

I think The Knitter likes me. I'm more and more relaxed around him and getting to know more about him. Today he said he was learning about all these cool new things from me. He also said he wanted to come to Daiso next time we're out there. I am seeing him Sunday but he said he'll email me first. I'm excited but relaxed.

I could say more about other things but this is really I want to think about today.

Developments

1. Tons of fun on Friday night. Kissing, tattoos, new people, bonding, absinthe, laughing until we hurt. The birthday girl will be call Fetus and has become my friend rather than just Chattons.

2. Saturday we went to Richmond and shopped with Fuzzy (a new friend I know through Chatton). More laughing until we hurt and genereal silliness.

3. Saturday night was party at Packages house. Roomates were nice and laidback but one had on awful pants and the other had awful BO. I'm not impressed in general with Package. Nither are Fetus and Fuzzy. On the upside Chatton is receptive to us and fully sees he is not boyfriend material. She would go for a make-out session though if he initiates. He's a bit too know-it-all for me and not in a cute way. We were exhausted though and left fairly early.

4. I put a bunch of stuff up on craigslist and it's actually selling.

5. I get a new bed next week. It's actually the bed I used when I was young but with some modifications so it's long enough. It does mean I'm going from a Queen to a single but my bed right now is trashed and we have no where to store this one and it's a family antique thing. Plus it's beautiful and will be fun to sleep in again.

6. I am starting to worry about finding a place to live. We're looking for May 1 and it's still early but with a cat and budget constraints it's a bit panicy.

7. We might get a second cat right after we move. She's fluffy, peach, blue eyed and only 3 weeks old. So exciting.

8. But maybe the biggest thing of all is that I accepted the job from HK inc. I'll kepp on with onyl 10 hours a week until May 1 and then start with 24 hours a week, more if needed. I also got the $2.00 raise I asked for. No hesitation at all. He also won't take taxes off which is a huge benefit for me as there's no problem with just claiming it all at the end of the month.

9. Blondie is coming over tonight for dinner and to give me a massage very exciting.

10. I'm feeling good about things. Therapy next week, gallery tomorrow, doll meet and craft meet on Sunday, Fuzzy's art show on Saturday and a concert (Ringlettes brother's band) on Friday. Busy and happy.