Hunger

I'm getting weighed and measured on Wednesday. I really want to see another round of good results because I have been working pretty hard, but I've also had some not great eating moments. I also tried to skip my period by stacking birth control packs to avoid the chocolate cravings and bloating (and cramps) so they didn't affect my weigh in.

But I am still eating like mad. I am eating in place of sex. And I want a lot of sex. Badly. I guess I'm just constantly wanting something in my mouth. I'll be spending a good hour and a half at the gym tomorrow and Tuesday to make up for it too. Maybe that will even help with the excess sexual energy. I need something to help.

I think having a hint of something with CRB got me more frustrated than I already was. And part of it because I just don't really understand what happened. Like I didn't need a commited relationship. And he was asking to hang out more than I was. I was just accepting of the requests. But then he leaves saying he wants to be single, and doesn't want to confuse things by having sex. Just seems like a lack of honesty on his part. Especially because I haven't heard from him in nearly three weeks now.

I might go to the library tomorrow. I have the day off, but I need to open and close at work and I have training in the evening. I also have no money so I can't go shopping. I kind of want to get my nipple pierced. Try it again (on the other side though) with a bar bell. I really can't afford it though. I can't really afford anything right now. hmmm. Maybe it'll be sunny out and I can hang out on the beach for a bit.

sort-of-drunk

1. I bought a yellow dress (lingerie really) and wore it out tonight and I really like it.

2. I drank more than my level of drunkeness shows.

3. I wasn't nearly as social as I wanted to be tonight.

4. I'm worried that no matter how skinny I get I'll never be as pretty as I feel I need to be.

5. I wanted to text CBR but I did not, and for that I am proud.

6. My texts to Zebra weren't working.

7. It was nice on Zebra's birthday to not go out with a guy, but then meet one and have someone to sleep with overnight.

8. It was really nice to have the attention I did last weekend.

9. I have the hiccups from eating my tofu snacks too fast.

10. I really wanted to dance tonight. The dj was decent but there was no where to actually dance.

Browsing

Well I was supposed to go to HK Inc. today but I'm not going to. Instead I had a bath, played on the internet, watched TV, made a big batch of oatmeal and fruit. I think I might even have a nap.

I do have an appointment with my trainer at 4:00 so I will have to go out eventually. I also wanted to sew today but I honestly don't think it's going to happen. I will go buy some groceries though.

And one of the things I wanted to post yesterday came back to me. That was that I was thinking about taking my flask out with me on Friday night. Mostly because I am super broke and can't afford to eat and drink as much as I would like to. I even have vodka in the fridge already. I would have to actually find my flask though. I haven't used it in a long time. And I don't really want to start unpacking boxes for it.

I also spent a long while looking at the craigslist personals. None of the dating ones though. Just the platonics and casual ones. There's a high number of guys who want to eat pussy and an equally high number of people who want to spank women. Then there's the one guy who really wants to do both and doesn't want anything in reciprocation. He posts every day or two.

But I'm not going that route. I'm taking the more traditional route for now. Even if it is just for sex. I think it's important for me to be going out more and doing things I like to do. Dating or not dating.

That said my roommate and I (I can't remember if I gave her a name already...) decided we will start playing tennis in Central Park when it stays light later. We think that'll be a good place to meet guys. Even though neither of us really hate being single.

Forgotten

I had something interesting to post this morning so I brought my laptop to work. But I kept myself busy all day even though I only had two clients and didn't write it. Now I have no idea what it was all about.

Anyway, today I spent time thinking about being disappointed that I haven't heard from CRB in a week. I'm not disappointed in him and I'm not taking it personally. I'm just generally disappointed. I didn't have any real expectations, but I was actually interested in seeing where things went. This wasn't a worst-case-senario result, but it's not good.

But Zebra would repeat to me that it's for the best, he wasn't good enough, and I am deserving of someone way better.

The next two weeks I have plans to go out. This Friday is a co-workers birthday and next Thursday is a night out with Blondie. And it's not about meeting guys. It's about happily going out and looking cute. And feeling fun and open.

On to other things.

I get weighed and measured next week and I'm a little nervous that there's not going to be a huge difference. My eating habits haven't been that great and have involved my processed comfort foods too often. I am spending extra time at the gym and trying to eat better in an effort to "cram" a bit.

Finally, work is happy, but I'm still broke. I'm not that sure when I'll be bale to catch up. It's my phone bill and my gym membership that's killing me. I know I have to have a detailed look at my phone bill and see if I can midify my plan or my habits to make it cheaper. I really don't think it needs to be over $50.00 a month. The gym bill I can't help (and I LOVE having it) but I know that it will go way down in January of 2009, and hopefully I'll be making more money by then.

I better be. Actually, if I'm not making enough to be paying down my debts by September or October, I will need to contemplate changing jobs again. I really hope it doesn't come to that though.

ok, this is boring now and really just for me. One last thing. I think I'm going to stop using my vibrator for a little while and see how that affects my wanking/orgasm issues. More details on that after some actual experimentation. RIght now it's only an idea.

Another blog

One of the many blogs I read recently asked its readers to email a favorite post of their to their male friends and spread the work of their blog. I chose not to go that route but I suggest anyone who is reading my blog go and check the out.

Here's a tiny bit of the post I picked:

I sober up immediately. I get up. I take her hand. I walk across the club, feeling the eyes of every one of my workmates on me. I look back, fighting down a gormless smile.

And then I stop, in the middle of the club. Right on the uncarpeted, 50p piece-shaped bit. And I turn round. And I look into her eyes. And I smile.

And then I dance.


Here's the rest. Enjoy!

I had the day off today. It's nice. I went running in Central Park this morning and am cleaning my room. A lot of organization more than cleaning really. I have three major things left to do before I'm really done for the day.

I spent most of Saturday feeling really shocked by myself for kissing that guy on Friday night. Not in a bad way, but not like in a proud way either. Just thinking about how it was so easy. I know I was drunk but there was no agonizing, no nerves, no panic about meaning.

I was dancing in the afterhours and it was the closest to feeling like Britain in a long time. The being so comfortable in my skin, the dancing, the good music. The talking to people like I'm happy and open as opposed to burdened and neurotic. I guess I just felt like this most of the night, but the dancing was the best.

So I have to figure out how to keep that in my everyday world. Not just in my drunk one. And I really can't afford to do that all the time, for my wallet and my health. Another thing I need a strategy for.

I know one of my things in Britain was to not turn down invites. I think I have to start that here. And this dancing and kissing boys is good, I just have to do it with available ones, and not rely on my tits so much.

(oh, I haven't heard from CRB in about a week. Zebra thinks it's good. I initiated the last contact so things are up to him this time. I picked up his sweater today. It still smelled like him.)

Press Rewind

I'm at work now and I'm happy here. I'm moslty settled on that front. I'm broke but it will get better.

I slept at Zebras last night. We got a ride to her house at 4:30 am and had to walk the dog.

We danced to fun 60's stuff at an afterhours club in the downtown eastside. I jumped on beercans.

(Pause. I could have stayed at the afterhours later and gotten myself some sex, but Zebra was leaving and I wasn't comfortable staying without her. I knew I was safe with the guy but I was really drunk and most everyone was doing coke so I figured it was best to end the night there. Plus he has a girlfriend and wasn't sure what their situation was, but now I know it's pretty open, Zebra is friends with her. oh, and we kissed. Seriously.)

We got to 340 just in time for a double and china whites at last call. We stayed there after closing and befriended a guy with good eyebrows and some girl I gave my card to.

(Pause. Later at the afterhours I asked if she had a home to go to and her answer was "I have a husband but I'm looking for a bit of coke for the ride home". I told her I couldn't help. Also, on the way to 340 Zebra and I decided to start a monthly super awesome dance night. I'm serious this time too.)

The sex-possibility bought Zebra and I all our drinks at the Morrissey. Lots of vodka and a round of china whites. (I love doing shots apparently.) The we hung out with this girl who Zebra knows from 340 and Her gay friend. Of course him and I got along super well.

(Pause. There was very liberal tit staring and even a bit of touching started here. I was totally encouraging it too. The attention was good. The being out was good.)

Zebra and I drank two pitchers of Sangria at Subeez. And ate yam fries. Her friend (the possibilty) met up with us there. I'd met him just a few weeks ago at her birthday but we didn't really talk other than introductions.

Zebra called me telling me even though she thought she had to work last night she actually didn't and I should come meet her.

I spent the day at work with clients and playing with some new products on myself. I also re-organized my product. I didn't have time to rebleach my hair.

Crazy makers

1. I am still so confused about work. I know I haven't really gone into it here, but it's a major problem.

2. I can't make outgoing phone calls because I haven't paid my phone bill in two months. Luckily I can still text though.

3. Even though I get two pay cheques on Friday I still can't afford to pay my phone bill.

4. My mind will not stop thinking about anything. everything. both things.

5. I'm getting weighed and measured in two weeks. It makes me want to do cardio every day and only eat protein shakes, salads and baked tofu.

6. I'm pre-menstrual which means I want to be chewing on something constantly. Especially good if it's something sweet.

7. Eating sweet things makes me want to eat salty things. The opposite is also true.

8. Being pre-menstrual also makes me want to fuck a lot. The vividness of this mornings dream is still with me.

9. I didn't do anything to clean my room today. And even made a bigger mess by setting my sewing machine up on the floor to hem pants.

10. I didn't craft today. I contemplated sewing but doing it on my floor is not good for my back.

11. Working with my trainer today was awesome and I'm really going to miss having her once I've used all my sessions.

12. I'm going to a big dinner/dance party next Friday with a load of people I don't know. I wish I had money to get some new clothes.

13. I'm also worried about going and getting drunk or feeling insecure, or not being outgoing enough, or bailing entirely and only staying for dinner.

14. I want to dance. I have all this energy and I don't know where it came from or where it's going to go.

15. I am not letting myself be sick. I am in refuse to really acknowledge that I might have a cold because I simply don't have time for one.

16. There's a concert next week I really want to go to but I can't for a host of frustrating reasons.

17. I want to spend a day hanging out and taking pictures and dancing and laughing and just being silly.

ok, I might be done now. Despite all of this I don't feel the least bit depressed or down or whatever. I am beyond energized and hope getting some of this out will make it easier to sleep. When really I want to go play on swings or something. And be loud. but fun loud.

Frustration continues

Last night I was dreaming about being out with CRB. We went to this weird cafe with a stage and were watching the opening act. It was kids and it was funny and slightly inappropriate, but awesome. They were wearing all blue and there were jokes about sheep and singing. And they kept laughing so everyone else was laughing.

Then I find myself waking up in the dream at the same cafe, but with a different band playing and I'm lying down in this balcony type area. I realize CRB isn't with me and I start to worry he's left. SO I grab my phone (a hybrid with my nintendo DS!) to see what time it is, if he's texted me but there's nothing.

Then I go into a back room, which is apparently my bedroom. I can hear someone breathing and it's him under the blankets, as if he's hiding. He's actually sleeping. I get in the bed and he notices and we start making out like crazy. Then he decides to go down on me (a first if this were real life).

Just as it's starting get really my alarm goes off. I wake up smiling but just as frustrated I was when I fell asleep. and I even had an orgasm before I fell asleep. My life is in need of a lot of solutions right now. some more serious than others, some more fun than others. I still need them.

sex sex and no sex

First, I want to replace my profile picture but I'm not sure what to replace it with. I'm sad my old one disappeared but it wouldn't have matched the new colour scheme anyways.

I was going to post some stuff from a chat with midge because I didn't want to re-write it, but I don't know how to copy and paste or something and I lost the chat.

Basically, I went to the gym after work, and then had a mocha protein shake so I'm super energetic. She suggested having several orgasms in a row until the energy was spent.

But I'm lazy. Like so not enthusiastic about masturbating. My sex drive and want for sex and an orgasm is high, but actually doing it myself? boring. I'd be more than happy doing it for someone else and having them doing it for me but that's not happening.

I also think this is an issue: I have a toy which is pretty similar to the one it replaced, but it's not quite the same and not as good. And I want the other one. But it's on the list of things I need $100.00 to do, and considering my list of things I need $20.00 to do isn't being fulfilled, the $100.00 list has a long wait.

Nothing else really to report. Actually, I didn't watch tv today and I did get a tiny bit of the stuff I needed done in my room done. But I did spend most of the night chatting and reading stuff online.

Time for some chocolate and the big warm lonely bed.