A new list

1. I haven't been posting becasue I just don't want to sit down at my computer and type my thoughts. The current set up is really hard on my back and it's been so sore recently. I do really have lots on my mind.

2. My back and neck have been so sore. I'm starting to actually have to budget my money so massages aren't possibl;y very frequently. Heat pads and sitting up straight are my two tactics to feeling better now.

3. I want my sex drive back. If I actually masturbate once a week right now it's a lot. It's completely not what I would like and was used to. I can't really do much about it right now though becasue it's due to stress and medication. I do think it makes more more physical tension in some ways and that might be contributing back pain.

4. I would like a boy who can give a good massage and a good orgasm. But that's a whole big thing to come.

5. Still having the craziest of dreams. Violence is creeping back in but there's still good stuff and less direct distress than there was when they started.

6. I was feeling full of "stuff" last night. Chatton was staying over and I knew I should talk to her about it but I couldn't. It's also something I can't bring to my therapist either. It's boys/love/relationships. I just feel like any stress relating to it is juvenile and something that I shouldn't have on my mind so much. So instead of talking or typing I wrote. I didn't really get anywhere.

7. When it comes to boys I'm scared. I'm scared I don't deserve someone. I'm scared no one will be able/want to put up with me. I'm super insecure when it comes to things. I'm not sure I can handle anything more going wrong for me right now, but I know that getting over this will make me better in the long run.

8. I have a busy week coming up again and I really hope that I get the job. I'll know by Friday becasue the first shift is Saturday. I'm very excited.

9. On Friday Titania is cutting and colouring my hair and then we are going with Chatton to an art show/concert. Lots of cool people, old and new, will be there and I might see if the boy from the bookstore wants to come. I'm still working on a plan for that and it's not super likely to happen.

10. My back is starting to ache now though so I must go. More another day.