Walking

My city is very cold and windy today - blustery one could say. But the sky is mostly bright and blue. Cat Power's newest album has formed my afternoon soundtrack. My face is much more flushed than I have become accustomed to.

My councelling session today didn't include any of what we were going to talk about and instead was all about my dad and susbequent things. I feel mute now. I want nothing but something I can't pinpoint. It might be a hug but it's not quite that. I have no desire for CRB or anything else in particular. I think I realized that I didn't fully feel the real finality of death. Like I know it's a forever thing in my head but what that really means isn't something I have a handle on.

It's like there's more to say but my head is all just blank. I'm doing really good but there's always this moment. The time where I feel apart and lost and all that other stuff. I can't keep track of what day it is and I just want to hide and forget about the world for a few days.