Upswing

I am feeling better today. Chatton and Titania and I went for breakfast yesterday and had lots of fun. Then Chatton came over and we crafted. I'm still feeling a bit inside myself and not quite fully myself. I am feeling better though.

I went and picked up my laptop yesterday. It's still broken but I got the data off of it I wanted. I also bought a new printer and got to meet the new Apple representative. Chatton said we flirted but I'm still just so in my own closed off world I was just being nice I think. Then we went to Chapters and saw the magazine boy who remembers my name. Chatton said he's too young for me and I should make the APple guy my boyfriend.

She kind of kept mentioning it and I think she sensed my discomfort. She said she'd stop bugging me. It's not that I wanted her to drop it though. It's that I still feel so fucked up that I don't think anyone would want me. I just have no self-confidence right now. Plus, as usual, I just don't know how to go about anything if I did feel that it wouldn't end up in a mess.

Chatton and I don't talk in the way that people think two friends as close as us should. And it's not becasue we're worried about how the other one will react but we're just not ready to say the things aloud to anyone. Sometimes I'm just so open with things -my feelings of craziness, my total denile of my life, my sadness about England - but there's other things I just can't say.

Her and I were kind of talking about something the other day and she agreed that it was weird how Miranda responded. she then said that maybe Miranda was that way becasue she thought it just wasn't something I wanted right now in my life. I acknowledged it but I couldn't go into it anymore. What I couldn't go into was that I didn't want to seem fixated on it becasue thinking about another thing I lack is depressing and kind of makes me look desparate. I also don't have any faith in myself to be able to date someone or self-confidence.

On a comepltely different note I had an orgasm last night - all on my own of course. It really sucks to not want sex on a physical level at all. It's a disfunctional feeling. I did it becasue I needed the release of physical tension. Kind of like a massage. I fell asleep really quickly afterwards.

I think the most glaring thing recently is that I don't know who I am. I said I was a student to Apple guy yesterday and I kind of felt like I was lying. Sometimes I feel happy but it's temporary and shallow. I have some wonderful people around me but I feel disconnected. I don't know when I'm in denile or when I'm being honest. Disconect is probably the best word. But then I don't feel bad. I don't feel guilty for sleeping in and not really getting anything done. Well sometimes I feel bad for not doing dishes and my homeowrk. But I pretend I don't.