Broken

A little more information about my life.

I live in a co-operative housing building. That basically means that when people move in they purchase shares and while theylive here own part of the building. We do all the management for the building and have committees of residents that organize and make all the decisions. I have lived here since I was two years old and my parents were on the committee that started the process of building the complex. I have lived in four suites in this building and hold it very close to my heart.

When I was 12 and 13 I phased out using my first name in favour of my second one. Hardly anyone calls me by my first name except occasionally my mom, one grandmother and some very distant family and friends I don't see or talk to often. It's kind of like I associate that name with a different person. It makes me feel uncomfortable and young and insecure.

So in my co-op a phone list of everyone is distributed with what committee everyone is one. This makes it easy to contact people when something is needed. We got the new one and basically my old name is on it and there's no phone number. I received a note the same day I got my form to update to call another meber to give them my numbers. SO I did that and consequently didn't fill in the form. No one attempted to call me.

Even more is that is says "Not participating". Now one thing we erally try to emphasise here is the understanding that not everyone can be on a committee and you can still be participating that way. But then the list really made me angry becasue it's like I've been back here for less than 8 weeks and my father just died. No, I'm not fucking participating but give me some bloody time and I will. I was on the board of the directors for two years before I left and was on a committee from the day I turned 18 and could be on one.

So I feel pissed off that I'm being treated like a delinquant member when I'm just stressed and disprganized and healing. These are the times when all the neighbours who have known me for a long time should be really understanding and try to help me out.

So then I went to the corner store and the guy who has owned the place since we moved here 21 years ago said I must be glad to be back considering all the things happening in London. I just said that I lived north of London. And I left and walked the block and a half home in tears. I never missed this place like I miss England.

I want to go back to my life that was just about school and everyone only knew my middle name and my Dad was alive. But I can't. And it just makes me feel awful and shattered. Everything about that phone list makes me want to curl up in bed and block out the world. I know I can't do that though, so I am going to craft and watch films and zone out into a place where my world has no troubles and is exactly how I want it complete with England, a mother who isn't like mine has been since I returned, people who love me, and assorted other things like that.