I feel...

Lonely. Lost. Confused. Pointless. Mislead. Disappointed. Unfulfilled. Alone. Irrational. Selfish. Stuck. Blind. Damaged. Hidden. Scared. Disconnected. Hopeless. Desparate. Isolated. Unwanted. Useless. Distant. Broken. Drained. Fragile. Unstable.

My heart is not in a happy place and I don't know what is what right now. I could feel the same in the morning or I could feel completely different. And I know I have people but I just feel like such a downer. I mean it's fucking Christmas, I go to England in 8 days, I have no obligations in terms of work or school, but I feel like this. Plus they all have loves and jobs and all that stuff which gives one a life and I just feel like I'm unreasonably complaining.

And maybe it does go back a bit to one boy not coming to my party and another not answering my text but it's more than that. It's not wanting that to matter and it's knowing that it doesn't to anyone else. That it hasn't to anybody in forever. A year ago it was the only thing in my world not working wonderfully but it's just become this small part of this giant overwhelming pile of things. I just don't know what's happened.

Maybe it was better when I wasn't talking to CRB. Then I could think "if I had his number we could talk and he would make me feel loved". But now that I have his number and know he won't make me feel that way, I feel like there's nothing. I can't even hope for someone to want to come to my rescue. I just sit here alone deciding whether I should ride the tears out or take a sedative so I can fall asleep.

ok, I sobbed a bit and a few things came to me. I need to get back to councelling. I'm glad I'm seeing my doctor tomorrow. I don't want CRB to be the person I associate feeling loved with. I am so scared of guys/relationships and feeling unwanted. I have no idea how I'm going to cope as this week progresses. Or next week for that matter. I wish I knew the key to feeling normal again. I wish it was as simple as quitting school or buying a new camera. I have no idea where to turn for help or support in times like these. I really need to sleep now and hope to keep the vivid and slightly traumatic dreams away.