No Movement

I had a long, bubbly, fragrant bath. Now I'm watching an episode of Nip/Tuck where things are going crazycrazy in such a good way. I still feel sick at the thought of eating. Titania called from work and is starving so she's going to order pizza when she leaves work so it'll be here soon after she's home. I might eat it but I don't think so. It should be a good breakfast though.

She wanted to know how coffee went but I couldn't really say anything. I was just repeating about how shocked I was and how great it went and how surprisingly wonderful he was.

(I think I will drop a third course but need to check how it'll affect my funding and one of my courses for next term before I decide for sure.)

I was thinking about whether I had written about something that's always meant a lot to me when it comes to CRB. So I was searching my archives and I cam across a very touching post about him where I only vaguely referred to the something.

Basically when you end a hug with someone you both part cleanly, with no additional touch. But then there's the hug where you linger. Like you don't want to let go but you have to. your hands touch and then just your fingers as you both turn away. There's more lingering becasue maintaing that touch is crucial to the moment. CRB and I have always hugged like that. From the first feelings of like at 13 years old to today when I left him at his work. With the Artist I only felt that for a short period when we started having sex.

But I felt it today. I felt him put his arm around my shoulders when I had to repeat my Mocha order a third time to the girl on the cash (white chocolate mocha with soy, no whip and a shot of vanilla) and tell me things were ok. When he went to get our finished drinks he rubbed my shoulder, bare because of the neckline of my shirt, told me he'd be right back. His hand was warm.

When he called me on my fidgeting and nervousness he told me that old habits die hard. I apologized and he said that it was ok. I wasn't too sure what was going on there. He told me he wasn't sure if I was going to call and was kind of surprised when I did. He said that it had just been so long and the same stuff I said. When he was talking about his mom I wanted to reach across the table and touch his hand.

There's a lot of emotion but none of it is exciting or crush-like. It's different. It's tender. It's safe. It's complicated. It's unexplored. It's deep. I don't really know what that is either. It makes me want to bury my head into his neck and close my eyes. When we hug it's like there should be kissing involved but there's no need for it.

(when Titania comes home I will end this whether it's really done or not. I don't think it will ever been done somehow.)

Added at 1:18 am: It's not over. I just watched a very serious, emotional, powerful, unique movie called "Mysterious Ways". Really disturbing content but oh so good. I feel very sick. I feel vacant. I feel sick. Maybe a food combined with nerves and thoughts kind of thing. Titania and I are going for a walk.