Today

I think I might be depressed today. More dreams. Being chased becasue the man who I'm in love with is a secret agent of sorts and he is constantly being chased. Movie theatres, parking lots, secret apartments. He is the good one in the battle. WIlly woka turned live action and interactive on a bus. Listening to the new Sarah Harmer album even though I've never heard it in my awake hours. Also talking to kids about visitng England. And teaching them how to say Nottingham properly.

In my awake life I am playing Sarah Harmer's first album at a very loud volume. It's happier and more uplifing than I feel. My back is really sore and all I want to do is curl back in bed. Instead I got up, got dressed in yoga pants and a tank and Midge's hoodie. I washed my face, took my medication and tied my hair up. It's sunny today and I feel alone. Our cable also got taken qaway today even though we haven't been paying for it for months.

I think I miss Lily's family becasue I got hugged there. I got hugged in England in general. I did cry last night. I was watching Grey's ANatomy and they took a woman off life support. Her daughter was there and some friends were. And the doctor waas upset becasue her monther was also dying and she hadn't visited her very much. I cried.

Sometimes I think it's not my Dad that makes me sad. That I'm just lazy, upset about boys and childish about not being in England. I think about him in happy ways a lot -I mean that I have good memories and o regrets at all about our relationship. But I don't realize he's not around all the time and I have a really hard time thinking about him being in the hospital. And I know some things my sister and mom told me but I can't come to grips with something about it. I was on a plane trying not to think of the worst thing happening. Absored in my ipod and just happy that there was an empty seat beside me.

Maybe Sarah Harmer wasn't the best choice. My sister and I spread some of his ashed this summer with her playing live in the background. WIth a wedding in the background. With people dancing in the background. With my nephew eating a whales tale in the background. WIth an amazing sunset in the background. And we laughed. It was all somehow tragic and perfect at the same time.

Last night I thought about my sister and how she's been able to just keep going. I know she's had someone die before and I think with a kid she kind of has a pressure on her to not fall apart. And I don't ask it as if she should be falling apart. It's more wondering how it happened that I fell apart this much.

I keep thinking about the rehersal for her wedding. BUt people are home now and they brought me flowers. I know I'm loved I just feel so empty sometimes. More another time.