in need of comfort

I didn't go to the art gallery. I'm thinking about quitting there. That's hard. I really think I found some sort of inpiration and sanity. Today I don't feel inspired or sane. I feel confused and alone. I know that I'm not technically alone but at the same time no one's here. I barely even feel like I am.

All the consolation my mom gives me is that this is how things are and we just have to keep going. That's no comfort to me. Some days it's like I'm so entirely present and clear about my path. But times like this I can't even really identify the path. I'm confused about why I'm doing anything and who is in my life. Self-doubt is so abound I can't even begin to talk myself out of it. I can't identify the positive things at all yet I know none of these feelings are really my reality.

I kind of want to be back im my place of denile and craziness. Doing whatever I want just because it makes me happy and keeps me distracted. I went to get some groceries and I was not good in the store. I was unfocused and just not here. My head is elsewhere. I'm not feeling connected to my life.

I want to be back in therapy where you can just sit and talk and someone else is asking you all the questions to give you perspective. And I can't ask any of my friends to do it for me. The list of people is so short these days and everyone has there own lives that are just as busy or even busier than mine. I can't, and don't, blame them for not coming to my rescue. I don't expect them just to know what I need and know that if I want something I have to ask.

But I can't ask for what I want. What I want isn't reality. But then maybe on a level all I want is for someone to just give me a hug and spend time with me. Because really there's not too mcuh wrong with my life. The major thing is that I'm slowly getting more and more broke and can not afford to live. Which is scary but it's not part of me. I know it'll be better in the new year and a second job will go a long way to helping. But someone to comfort me and to tell me everything is going to be good despite both of us knowing that it kind of already is would go a long way to helping me feel it.

Plus I want to be fun wtih my friends. I want to be light and happy and be someone they actually enjoy having around. I don't feel I do that (and is potentially why I have so few right now). I'm this ball of seriousness trying to fix problems that are all in my head and can't separate myself from them long enough to...well do anything really. Instead I isolate myself, spill everything to no one and listen to the same song on repeat so it's as if time isn't passing at all.

I'm going to go have some food and drink tea and craft and watch a bad made-for-tv movie. As for the rest of this I have no idea. I don't know what it would take to really break me out of this. I don't even think a plane tcket would do these days. That's hard too.