realization

I've been watching "What's Eating Gilbert Grape?" and it occured to me that my tears and frustration are not my depression. It's different because I know exactly what I'm sad about. Before I didn't know at all. It was just this great overwhelming feeling of sadness. Now it's insecurity, on all fronts. The realization that I know what it is now is actually really comforting. Maybe more comforting is that I know I can change it and I want to. That's different too.

But how to change it is not something I know yet.

I do want to be going out more but I don't know where. It's not like I wish I went to such-and-such place more. I miss that about England. I had multiple places I liked to go. Here I don't. It's just shopping, which I can't afford to do. And watching movies at home. alone. I have to find new places. or something. Neither of that involves meeting people, or even spending time with them.

Do I just call friends and say "I want to go out. Let's do something."? Can I just do that? What do I have to offer that makes other people want to spend time with me? I know there's something though. I'm told there is.

If I had $1000.00 I'd buy a plane ticket in a second.

People don't really stay in my life though. I have to get over that idea. And the one that I'm separate from everyone. And that I'd be more fun if I started drinking again. I've been wanting to drink again. I see other people drink and I get it. There's this happiness and this freedom. I miss that. I feel the happiness these days but not the freedom. I'm always aware of something that holds it back.

I didn't want to end up crying. really. I want to feel positive and happy and sucessful. I know somewhere it's in me. really. I want to go to the Be Good Tanyas show at the end of the month really bad. I don't have anyone to go with though. Titania would go but I'm not ready for that. My Dad would go. That's not useful though. I don't know what else to do though. I guess I should just ask people but I don't know anyone who would want to go. Kind of in circles really.

I know the money issues are part of my sadness. I don't feel like I can do anything when I'm broke. No coffee, no shopping, nothing. I'm happy for Orange. I was jealous of Chatton but not of Orange. There's something true about his happiness. And I do want to meet the boy. And be fun and not serious. I know I can do it.

I dropped volunteering at the gallery every weekend. I think that was good in terms of time but not for my interacting-with-people stuff. Same with the craft group. I really came out of last winter with this attitude of doing what made me happy. I think I've lost some of that. The playfulness. I need it back. I need to stop with all of the seriousness. It'll be good for me and make me more fun to be around. I'll never be able to let go of it all, nor would I even want to, but I can put it aside when it's unnecessary.

But I do know my environment would help that along. More time with people gives me less time to think about myself. The amount of introspection I'm doing these days is a bit much really. (that must be like the 15th time I've typed 'really'.)

Ok, five steps for the next few days to help this:
1. Email Midge to catch up. I'm not sure why that's fallen away.
2. FInd some one to see Be Good Tanyas with.
3. Think of ways to meet guys (ie. not craft group)
4. Take care of the piles of small things to do and open ALL mail.
5. Get back to crafting so the swaps aren't weighing on me.

Today, I am greatful for:
1. My ceiling not leaking.
2. New rain safe shoes.
3. Downloading TV online.
4. My apartment being mine and pretty and tidy.
5. Cooking and having leftovers

Today, I acknowledge myself for:
1. Trying to feel better - honestly and actively.
2. Putting the kitchen stuff away
3. Practising my bruising
4. not obsessing about the filmmaker (really.)
5. starting to get back to things I care about.