I'm ok

Well I'm not really ok but I'm also not into talking about last night. He was completely good but I just got into a mood towards the end of the night and it has persisted. I didn't go to councelling today and I really just want the world to end. That sounds really shitty. I just don't want to go to school or work or do anything. And I feel like a total failure. I don't even feel like England will solve my problems now. And I don't even want to finish this term. Just quit and chalk it up to a learning experience or something like that. I just don't feel good about any thing.

Nothing New

He was nice as always. We talked a lot about many things. However, I'm disapointed in myself and I'm disapointed with my world. I didn't finish my paper. I don't want to go to therapy tomorrow. He is not what I realize I kind of wanted him to be. I am unsure if anyone is. I want to hibernate. I want to cry. I want to eat pasta and cream sauce until I throw up. I feel lost and confused and displaced and nothing else worth anything good.

I am going to try to sleep without crying and I will explain more tomorrow. The only real upside is that I looked so good tonight.

Still Sick

Well as the title suggests I feel gross. Eating seems like the grossest thing ever but I need to do it to keep my energy up. But when I feel like thorwing up whenever I do eat it's a tough decision. I need to feel better which at this point means not really eating. Blah. I do fell hungry but food is just yuck. This sucks.

I realized my paper will not get handed in today so I've done a load of laundry and made a note book that fits into my new purse as my sketch book doesn't. As soon as the laundry is done I am going to start working on my paper. I also put my hair up into pin curls so I'll need to take them out at some point and hope they look good.

I am going out tonight with CRB. The film's at 9:30 so we won't meet up until later. I am much more relaxed about it today but still have lots of questions and lots of them are either not meant for asking becasue I don't really know how I'd feel about the potential answers. It will be nice though either way.

ok, off I go to get my laundry and then work on my paper.

Another Late Morning

I think I do want to drop another one of my lectures. I don't want to go to arts advising though to do it because they made me cry last time. It means I will need to get a job next term but I can finish the stuff up at HK Inc. and then get a ncie relaxed job at a bookstore or something. It's a bit scary but I feel destroyed by this term.

Titania and I had a good walk last night. We bundled up because of the cold and walked. We paused at some swings for a bit and then toured the 24-hour grocery store nearby. I felt so sick and still kind of do this morning. Not nearly as bad though. We were nice and tired when we got home though and I was asleep by 3:30.

I blabbered about CRB more and I think the most important thing that came out of it is that I think I get so nervous because I don't know what it really going on. I mean we're just friends and are getting to know each other for the first time in many ways. However, there's this physically energy between us that's so much more developed. It's not a sexual chemistry at all though. I don't know what it is and for me that makes it very hard to deal with.

Like I wanted to hold his hand yesterday while we were walking. That would be inappropriate for where we are as friends though and I certainly didn't want him to kiss me when we parted. So what is that desire/need to have him touch me and feel warm and cuddled by him. I'm sure that it's familiarity and comfort but is that fair of me to him? This si what I am struggling with currently I think.

But as usual I've got to start doing something which means writing papers and putting some food in my body. I don't expect to hear from him about tomorrow night until tomorrow but if anything major hits me it'll end up here.

No Movement

I had a long, bubbly, fragrant bath. Now I'm watching an episode of Nip/Tuck where things are going crazycrazy in such a good way. I still feel sick at the thought of eating. Titania called from work and is starving so she's going to order pizza when she leaves work so it'll be here soon after she's home. I might eat it but I don't think so. It should be a good breakfast though.

She wanted to know how coffee went but I couldn't really say anything. I was just repeating about how shocked I was and how great it went and how surprisingly wonderful he was.

(I think I will drop a third course but need to check how it'll affect my funding and one of my courses for next term before I decide for sure.)

I was thinking about whether I had written about something that's always meant a lot to me when it comes to CRB. So I was searching my archives and I cam across a very touching post about him where I only vaguely referred to the something.

Basically when you end a hug with someone you both part cleanly, with no additional touch. But then there's the hug where you linger. Like you don't want to let go but you have to. your hands touch and then just your fingers as you both turn away. There's more lingering becasue maintaing that touch is crucial to the moment. CRB and I have always hugged like that. From the first feelings of like at 13 years old to today when I left him at his work. With the Artist I only felt that for a short period when we started having sex.

But I felt it today. I felt him put his arm around my shoulders when I had to repeat my Mocha order a third time to the girl on the cash (white chocolate mocha with soy, no whip and a shot of vanilla) and tell me things were ok. When he went to get our finished drinks he rubbed my shoulder, bare because of the neckline of my shirt, told me he'd be right back. His hand was warm.

When he called me on my fidgeting and nervousness he told me that old habits die hard. I apologized and he said that it was ok. I wasn't too sure what was going on there. He told me he wasn't sure if I was going to call and was kind of surprised when I did. He said that it had just been so long and the same stuff I said. When he was talking about his mom I wanted to reach across the table and touch his hand.

There's a lot of emotion but none of it is exciting or crush-like. It's different. It's tender. It's safe. It's complicated. It's unexplored. It's deep. I don't really know what that is either. It makes me want to bury my head into his neck and close my eyes. When we hug it's like there should be kissing involved but there's no need for it.

(when Titania comes home I will end this whether it's really done or not. I don't think it will ever been done somehow.)

Added at 1:18 am: It's not over. I just watched a very serious, emotional, powerful, unique movie called "Mysterious Ways". Really disturbing content but oh so good. I feel very sick. I feel vacant. I feel sick. Maybe a food combined with nerves and thoughts kind of thing. Titania and I are going for a walk.

Relief

Coffee today was awesome. We talked and talked and shared and laughed. I walked with him to work so he wouldn't be late. We're going out on Monday night. I just feel almost shocked by it all. I seriously think I know more real information about him because of an hour and a half today than I ever did in the how-many-ever years we've known each other. I almost don't even know what to say about it all.

I mentioned what Red told me about him blaming her for us never having a real relationship and he acknowledged he said that and really meant it. He told me about his mom, spoke with passion about his job, made me feel at ease with words and touch.

(I'm watching a program of cool opera-based short films. I like it.)

I was nervous. My heart was racing. I felt like it was a blind date - I didn't know if I'd recognize him or what he looked like now or anything. I did recognize him though. He could tell I was nervous and called me on it because I was looking around a lot and fiddling with the mocha cup and my hair. But I felt good in the end. I realize this is all very vague but I think the only thing of import is that it was so good. He was so good.

After I left him at his work I called Chatton. She was shocked that I had seen him and said I shouldn't have been at coffee with him. I said it should have been IceHockey but that I would still go out with him as soon as exams are over if he doesn't come to our christmas party (where CRB is not invited). CRB and I are just re-becoming friends whereas I'm interested in IceHockey for dating so that is still totally being persued. I think I'd much rater date him than CRB anyways. Way more my "type" and way less complicated history.

Chatton said she'd just love to see me get laid though. I agreed despite my medication-induced lack of want. I know if the chance was presented to me it wouldn't be turned down. Also, my massage last night ended up turning into a wanking session while Oceans 11 was paused. Good sign really.

(I love opera.)

CRB and I also made future plans to watch films at my house so he could see my pictures. That will likely be after exams are over though.

In other news I have no appetite. I had a super good breakfast this morning but can't even think of eating now without feeling gross. I hope it passes. I also MUST as usual write some papers tonight but I'm going to have a bath first. Then I will set up a tea/gingersnap/music/christmas-light study haven. I really hope this positive energy lasts. I'm considering dropping another one of my year long requirement courses but I don't know if the one less paper and exam will really make a difference. I have tomorrow to decide.

Butterflies

After some stress I had a very nice conversation with CRB tonight. We are going for coffee tomorrow afternoon and the next week we will go to see Saw 2 which I really want to see. SO much of what he said made me smile and relax and feel like this isn't going to be a giant mistake.

I am still excited about IceHockey though. I'm going to go watch Oceans 11 while indulging in some self-aromatherapy-massage and drifting to sleep. Wish me luck!

Loser

I texted CRB when I was downtown today at the art gallery with Chatton. I didn't hear back by the time I was ready to go so I'm home now. I got a grant from UBC for fall and now I want to buy a new, cute and better camera so we went at looked at the camera.

I am going to eat (for the first time today; my appetite is shit these days) and then start writing my easiest paper that is 2500 words and no real research required. I hope to finish it before sleeping. I might take a break to do some research for my fourth paper which is the only one I haven't started at all. It's due last though.

I am feeling good today. I looked cute and was happy. I think I may have forgot to take my anti-depressant this morning. ah well. too late now and I really don't want to take an extra if I did take it this morning. I do, I feel ok today. I had some hard moments in a store with reference to my dad but I don't really want to talk about it later. That's why I ended up texting CRB I think.

Deep Breaths

I'm still in bed. So lazy. It was another night of crazy dreams. There were tons of separate things and they are all beyond interpretation so much I'm not even going to go over them here.

I am disapointed I haven't heard from CRB. I had really gotten to a place where I wanted to get to really know him as a person indepeandant of everything that happened all those years ago but now I'm thinking he want to talk to me was just light and passing and, as usual, he was not worth so much thought from me. I am disappointed if this is all true.

Is it bad if I contact him? I feel that way because he knows I want to see him and if he wants he can get ahold of me. My hesitation on that is that maybe he still thinks I'm nervous and is leaving it up to me. I hope not. But I am going downtown to the art gallery tomorrow so I might call him while I'm down there. We'll see.

I've got to go get up and do some things like write papers! If it goes poorly and I end up crying you'll know about it. You'll know about ti no matter how it goes really.

One or another

1. I cried in therapy again this week and my next apointment is for Tuesday.

2. I did a tons of research for the third paper of the four I have to do.

3. I need to actually write the papers though.

4. I might change my schedule for next term around.

5. Still no word from CRB and I will not contact him.

6. I really want him to call me so we can see each other.

7. Some excitement about IceHockey not being a lost cause has distracted me.

8. I am willing to consider the possibility of dating CRB if that's what happens.

9. I am willing to not think about him if that's what happens.

10. I can't wait to have school stuff done.