Dreaming

I am at a party or gathering of some sort. There is an unknown male friend with me. We're taliking about my dating situation and I don't want to. I just want to forget and enjoy the evening.

Then we're walking and he sees someone who I don't know. I don't know if he knows him. He stops and says something about me needing a man in my life and tells me to sit down and talk to this guy. I'm pretty embarrassed but the guy is sweet about it and laughs as if my friend was being sarcastic. I do sit down and we start playing cards. Soon I'm relaxing and we're talking. We give up the cards for a while.

I remember a kiss that was slow and light but hesitant and that being understood by him.

I'm lying on the couch alone watching tv. He enters the room and sits on the end of the couch. so I curl my legs up to make room. He tells me to come lie with him. I turn around but lay so that I'm not actually touching him, but my head is right by his legs. He tells me to put my head on his lap but something about it feels off.

This now reminds me of the boy I had the confusing relationship with. We touched each other a whole lot for not having ever kissed. And in a very tender but attatched way.

He guy says that he understands that I'm hesitant but that he likes me according to what hes learned in the evening but that my pace is ok. He just wants me to know there's no caution on his part. So I'm about to move to rest my head on his lap and my mother enters the room. She tells me that the person who wants this room for sleeping is needing to go to bed.

Mix in some stuff here about a hat, my niece, ancient artifacts and boxes.

I try to find a room to sleep in but all the beds seem to be taken already. I find a room that my mom is sitting in and usually people don't sleep in. I ask if it's ok if I sleep there. She asks if I'm going to be sleeping with him becasue it's the last bed and I say that I don't plan on it, but that there's actually two beds in the room so it's not an issue. She leaves and says it doesn''t matter either way.

That's all there was. It's weird how I never miss things about the Artist. Maybe it's because I'm friends with him a bit now, or I know we're differnt people and that he is not what I want from a guy in many ways. Our relationship was good in it's time but that's it.

When I miss someones touch I think of the counfusing relationship boy. The hugs we shared were innocent and young but there was something behind them which made me feel so loved and safe. Even 8 years later after all the crap of our lives he still made me feel that way. Even when he had a ((bitchy, snotty) girlfriend and I was so afraid of him trying to kiss me I'd never look him in the eye when were were standing close to each other, there was something magnetic about us. I'd phone him while drunk at midnight and he'd come to meet me because I wasn't ready to sleep. He'd sit on the phone with me for hours and talk as much as I did. Yet towards the last end, when he mentioned he had gotten a mobile and asked if I wanted the number I said no.

The last evening I spoke with him went something like this:

him: What are your plans tonight?
me: I'm going to go spend some time with Old Mutual Friend (OMF).
him: I'll come along, it'd be nice to hang out the three of us.
me: Oh, well I was hoping to spend some alone time with her. Did you maybe want to come by a bit later?
him: what, do you not want me around?
me: That's not at all what I said.
him: If you don't want to see me just tell me.
me: look I just want to see her alone for a bit. I haven't seen her in months.
him: I haven't either.
me: But I've seen you and I want to catch up with her alone. Plus don't you have a girlfriend you should want to spend time with?
him: I want to see both of you. I want to see you. I see her all the time.
me: look just come by later and we'll all see each other then.
him: I don't understand why you don't want me there.
me: listen to me, I do but I want alone time with her before you're around.
him: If you don't want to see me I just won't come and I won't phone anymore.
me: aren't we older than this now? How are you not hearing what I'm saying.

The conversation goes like this for another few minutes and out of frustration I say "fine I don't want to see you. Don't come." He says "fine" and hangs up the phone.

About half an hour later I call OMF.

me: hey, I'll be leaving soon so expect me in about 15 minutes.
her: HE just phoned me in tears because you didn't want to see him.

I feel really bad instantly but also irritated because he wasn't listening to me. I tell her I'll explain when I get there.

Once at her flat we talk about him and other things. I page him four times over the course of the evening and never get a call back. I apologize for making him feel unwanted and tell him to call or come over so we can work things out because I totally didn't intend for what happened to happen.

I never hear from him. ABout 6 months later I run into OMF. We're talking and she says to me "oh, I forgot to tell you. about a month ago he called me and said he was scared to call you in case you didn't want to talk to him but he says he's sorry for everything he's ever done to hurt you".

I was stunned and angry and frustrated. Today I just want to he touched and held the way he did. I don't want all of his emotional disfunction but if he were somehow to get my email from OMF and email me to see how I'm doing I would reply. Sadly, I would reply. This boy makes me feel loved. Sometimes it's a love I only remember being around with the Artist at certain points of our relationship.

I don't want another relationship to be like either of these again, but I want to feel that love that is just such that when you're drunk and sitting on a park bench and he knows it's time to get you home he stands in front of you and looks at you like you're the most absolutely perfect thing in the whole world. That nothing else matters other than the two of you, the park, and the constellations you keep identifying. He takes your hands and you know you're so safe to let him get you home, that you can just revel for a bit in his touch and his voice and not worry about where you are or where you're going.

One day I'll have to list all the resons why this boy was totally awful to counter this post.