Misplaced

There's something I want to be doing that I feel like I can't do as much as I want because I have this stupid day/office job. I am not tired and I want to make stuff and it would be fine to do it now, even at this silly time of the day if I didn't feel obligated to go to work tomorrow. I'ver been picking my own hours which means 2 or 3 days a week and 5-6 hour days. I hardly get anything of substance done and I am completely distracted. I just want to wipe my hands of it and craft.

I'm also borke. Not technically but actually. As of Monday I won't be but my last 150.00 just went to my therapist. I'm not sure how long I'll see her for. I totally make it seem like everythings in control when it's not. I'm feeling a bit freaked out by my world. I have having massive daydreams about doing something that shouldn't be as realistic as I'm making it feel. And it has nothing to do with sex.

Actually I don't have anything to do with sex right now. Even the orgasm yesterday was forced because I wanted it to give me energy. It didn't work and I didn't go out. But now I have crazy amounts of energy and I should be sleeping. I've been this broke before but usually there's been decent food in the house and that is currently not the case. blah. I might accidentally post-date a cheque or something to buy some groceries. blah more.

but nothings bad really. There's just so many possibilites and I want to focus on two things and I have this silly fucking job that I just want to leave. I just want to quit and leave them to deal with it. It's not like my boss will ever know the difference. He doesn't understand half of it anyways. And if they fail an inspection it's not my fault. It's his fault for not getting it and the lab managers fault for being lazy. Plus, I won't work there.

I feel torn between dreams. I'm told by the professional that none of them are exclusive but I need to feel on a path to something specific. I need to have my next year sorted. I know now through June but then I'm lost. But it feels like I might as well be lost now. Is 10 months really that different than a year? I know it's not but here I am anyways.

I wanted to be done work this weekend and I'm not going to be. I have to go in next week because that's just who I am. Deliquant and Olive aren't around this week and they are two of the most important people to help me finish things. BUt they were both there last week and I only went in one day. I just don't want to do it. My movtivations not there becasue it's a waste of time and becasue I have something better to do. I feel frustrated and uncomfortable.

I want to feel fulfilled and content. Or even rested. I think what makes it so hard id that I'm inspired by something but I can't focus on it entirly becasue of this stupid project that is totally energy zapping and mind-numbing. I need out but I'll never get fired. I even go in with intentions to finish a lot but I just can't make it through. And eveyday I make the list of what I have left to do smaller by completing two documents and erasing one I should do off the list becasue it's low priority. I should be fired.