No Sleep

I'm not sure if I'm still awake because I can't sleep or if I don't want to. I really lose track of what exactly it is. My mind is kind of all over the place but I'm sure I am actually tired.

Whenever I have a "bad day", meaning I miss England and feel confused about my Dad, it takes time to recover. Like not a day but several. It's like a process within a process. I makes me feel floaty and distant. I don't go to work, I feel light and topical, like I'm only functioning on the surface becasue something big is going on underneath. Like my main power has gone so I'm running off an internal generator. or something like that. It's not even depression at this point.

One thing I've always been interested in is things of the occult. I used to read a lot about magic and witchcraft and psychics and such. I've had my cards read by many people but About three years ago I found a reader I loved. She was nice and introduced me to a deck I feel in love with. It's unusual and not like most tarot cards. When I got back I wanted a reading but her number was out of service. I also couldn't find a reader who did this set of cards. On the weekend I tracked a set down and bought them. I did a first reading for myself but need to work with them more to become more familiar with the deetails of each image.

I own another deck of cards but I don't connect with them as well. That's odd becasue they are beautiful and incorporate astrology (something I adore) but I have hard times sorting out and connecting the cards meanings. It just never comes together in a way these other cards do.

But I think more than anything my need for these cards, as well as my return to therapy, just points to the fact that I feel lost and in need of guidance. The typically reassuring words "everything will work out" aren't cutting it for me. I know it will work out. I know everything will be good. But I still feel lost and out of touch. I don't feel like I'm doing anything to help it get there.

I am so uninterestingly introspective. None of this gets me anywhere and that's kind of my point. I'm doubting everything, my home, my future, my relationships, but with no goal. I have no actual problem I'm trying to solve. The boy thing maybe but I'm currently trying the ignoring strategy as caring had no positive impact.

It's so hot in my flat I just turned the fan on. I wonder what anything I'm doing will provide me. Will getting a bike help? Is all this crafting stuff for anything? Is Midges return home going to change things? Will putting film in the camera make something better? something more real? or is all of any bit of excitement/potential and shopping just a distraction? I don't even know what they're a distraction from. I feel apathetic. paralyzed is also a word that comes to mind. Will my disolussionment from Saturday just a small scale manifestation of all of this?

Part of me does want someone to hug me and tell me thing are ok though. And I know people are hhere and willing but it doesn't help. SOmehow it's not what I really need. I wish I knew what I did need thiough. I wish I knew what this was. Is it grief, fear, restlessness, longing? all of those, none of those?

I have more musings I could do about my sexuality and my seemingly unending singleness but I really need to sleep. More at another point. I doubt I'll be going to work this week.