Confusion

1. I called him my boyfriend today, but it was to a stranger. I wasn't willing to call him that when talking to my sister.

2. Miranda and her man are hosting a few people at her house tomorrow night. Orange is invited but so is the Filmmaker. I haven't told filmmaker he's invited and Orange isn't sure if he wants to come.

3. I want to play scattergories.

4. My foot is asleep.

5. Tonight, I got the dinner I've been craving for nearly two weeks. My actual appetite is lacking though.

6. My cat is upset about something.

7. My nieces mom died. She's not my sister and she's not been around for years. My mom and baldie (my step dad) have custody of my niece. It's more of a loss of hope than a loss of a person right now. It's strange.

8. Something feels not right this evening. I'm not sure what though.

9. There's things I'm wanting to tell someone about filmmaker but that wouldn't be nice at all. They aren't bad things, bjust his personal things.

10. I really want some coke zero.

Speeding

I just kind of realized last night that in a about a week I've gone from questioning this relationship and it's potential to standing right in the middle of it. Some fear has crept back in I think.

While at Mirandas I texted him to see if he wanted to get together later in the evening. He ended up coming to pick me up and spent some time there meeting them. We then did a video store run and went back to his place. It was nearly midnight by this time. We watched the movie we rented the whole way through with no distractions.

The next few hours was basically see how close we could come to having sex, without actually having it and talking a lot about sex to keep ourselves aware of the fact that we weren't actually going to be having it. It was a bit frustrating but in the end we seem to be quite sexually compatible. We both fell alseep having had more than one orgasm and discovered many similar preferences.

A few things of note:
1.He is ok with me not using the boyfriend/girlfriend label, but for him, having sex pretty much means I have to. I think I'm ok with that and I have some time before it happens.
2.He snores, loudly. Loudly enough that I have problems sleeping through it. This is not something I've ever had to even consider before and I don't really know what if anything I should do.
3. Any reservations I thought I may have had about my body are completely non existant. It's a strange thing.
4. I have nearly nothing to compare it to but I have zero complaints about the size of his cock. Only excitement.
5. My head wants to spend tonight alone, but my body does not.

Rolling Over

I'm going over to Mirandas in just a little while to talk and watch movies. I feel energized and excited. There's still a few things about him I'm not thrilled by but no one's perfect and they're all pretty silly things.

I love Snow Partols "Eyes Open" album so much right now.

Continuing, it makes me want to buy more cute matching underware sets and I made an appointment with my doctor about birth control (the side benefit here is that it might help with the cramps). Pregnancy concerns me and it's pretty much the only way I'll have sex.

My cat is eating her favorite kind of scone (blueberry). She's odd.

We were talking about friendships at one point because I always mention mine but he never mentions his (that concerns me). I mentioned Orange being my gay boyfriend. He said now I have a gay one and a straight one. My immediate response was "I do?" He said that if I wanted to I did. I said I wasn't ready for that leap yet. It's a big change in mentallity for me and I'm just not there yet. He was totally fine with it. He was pretty much totally fine with everything. And once I was there and we discussed my staying over I pretty much said whatever I wanted. Sometimes ittook me a while to get the actal words out but I did.

I actually want to gush. This is good and I am smiley. Must go get dressed and head to Mirandas. I have a comic to read on the bus. me. comics. penis touching. it's all a little strange.

I figured I'd post early. I'm already at work because someone has the day off and I get to cover their shift. A full 8 hours.

But what about last night you ask? We'll I haven't been hom since he picked me up last night. Half of me wants to spill everything and half of me wants to keep it all to myself. I should probably do something in between those two. First, we didn't have sex. Second, I do know a lot more about him now.

ah, my boss is here. more later.

New thought

I don't trsut things that the filmmaker says sometimes. They are very specific things though. Like when he remarks on something we have in common I feel like it's not sincere or that he's exaggerating to make me like him. He's given me nothing to think that. It's completely in my head. Even more, I feel like having certain things in common with other people (ie. The Filmmaker), makes me less unique. less special. yuck. Shouldn't I feel like I've found something great in someone else?

Yet another thing to work on. This is certainly a huge learning process.

Ok, I'm going to go watch the end of Tyra and have a snack. then I must start to get ready.

Edited to add at 17:35: How can I have over 20 purses and not have a small black one?

edited for title

What I don't like about using google to post is that it doesn't use my titles even though I've told it to. It does have spellcheck that works though.

The Filmmaker and I have been texting a bit all morning. Basically, last night I found out that a girl I know on Livejournal only is friends with one of his really good friends (they have a production company with some others). So I told him and his response was not to read his journal. I'm slightly curious now but won't go looking for it. He can go look at mine as much as he wants bt if he was to find this one I'd been quite distressed.

What else? I'm still feeling a bit sick today but much better than yesterday. I'm hoping as the day progresses it'll get even better. I'm trying to do this whole relaxed and fun thing tonight but if it hurts to move that'll be hard. I should have worn my yoga pants today. Oh, my boss said I'm never allowed to leave the company. Flattering but something else kind of worrisome too.

Sleepy Day

I slept a lot today and I'm still tired. I'm having major cramps but also my mind is full of wanting to have sex. It's a frustrating combination in so many ways.

I'm back to being excited about seeing the Filmmaker. I have a super cute outfit planned (I've even thought about what's going to be underneath it) and will be straightening my hair and shaving my legs. Not like I expect anything to happen but I have been thinking about it. Thinking about it in a lot of ways.

I actually remeber a dream from while I was napping today. He came over to bring me food and keep me company. But I wanted him to tell me what we were doing tomorrow but he wouldn't tell me and wanted it to be a surprise. I tried to get him to spill by kissing and touching and those other good things I'm hesitant about doing in real life. It didn't work though, he kept silent. He was also wearing the most hideous and ridiculous pants ever. Clearly I'm still not completely open.

But all this thinking about sex has happened in his absence. This means that it's not entirely real. I also need several things to happen before I'll actually have sex. On the otherhand, I know there's a lot between what we've done and having sex. I want this to happen slowly. I have to stay focused on the current situation and not let my mind run away from me.

Orange said that maybe the connection between my head and heart were broken. He suggested using my vagina a little bit more. Or something liek that. It was over a week ago. While I do think he's at least a little bit right, I'm not really sure how to go about using my vag to affect my actions.

But I'm in a decent mood about it all. I do feel much better than yesterday even though I'm now physically sick. That will be better tomorrow though. And I'll be at work tomorrow. There's lots to do there that will keep from from thinking about my life all day. I do wish I knew more about what was going on tomorrow night. I don't though so I am goiing to focus on staying relaxed, present and open.

Worries

I'm worried about money. I found out that I won't be getting the money I ususally get on the 26th of the month until the 5th. This means I don't have the money to pay my rent. It's stressful. I'm also owing money on all my bills. I was hoping i could catch up in february but I don't think I'm going to working anymore than I am now at HK Inc. so I'm going to have to get another job.

Right now I feel restless and it's not good. I only have a month of school left and I don't know what to do after that. I don't feel confident with what I have portfolio wise right now to go after photography jobs. I know that I can't let that stop me because doing work is the only way to build my portfolio. And then I start thinking again about applying to MAC. I just don't really know right now. I have to do something.

I was sad today I wasn't getting ready for visiting England. I was in the Bay (I had a gift card) and was looking for Bras on sale but there was nothing nice in my size. It just made me think about Marks and Specers and how they have so much awesome stuff in larger sizes. And no H&M here either. And no Lily or anything like that.

So I'm just wandering around my flat feeling lost. There's no food here I want to eat but I can't really afford to ordar something either. I feel like I need to be away from here. Or at least after school is done. But there's no where I can afford to go and somehow everything in my life is theoretically on track.

I want someone/something to rescue me. But that's lazy and spoiled. That's me being used to everything working out. Shouldn't this make me happy? Be reassuring? This is useless. I'm not continuing this line of thought.

I am no longer excited about the Filmmaker. distance maybe? I'm scared in some ways but I know that it's thinking that will be self-fulfilling if I keep it up. Maybe I'm not this person I think I am/could be. I just don't know right now. I'm bored and lonely. That's what I know.

Aftermath

I'm not doing so well today. I feel lonely, isolated, disconnected. My make up is gorgeous though. I am just going to stay huddled and warm on my couch and hope I feel better tomorrow. I'm also feeling sorely unsatisfied and let down by the whole Chirstmas things and don't know how unrealistic that it. And I feel spoiled and ungreatful and that sucks.

A new look

I changed some things. Mostly just the colour scheme.

I am pretty much ready for tomorrow and monday. I still have to pack my overnight bag but that'll happen tomorrow before I leave. I also need to do dishes and take out the garbage before I leave so it's not all just sitting here for two days.

I'm definately getting my period in the next day or two, which sucks because I'll be in siginificant pain one of those days. I just can't forget to bring my painkillers. I wonder if my mom bought me a bottle of wine for tomorrow night? Are those two connected? Today the symptom was teariness. Wanting sex, back pain, and needing to cry all combine to be my indicator.

The Filmmaker and Orange are both out of town until Wednesday. Orange and I must work on some sort of plan for new years. I should see if anyone else I know is in need for plans still. As for the FIlmmaker, I'm kind of excited (oh my!) about Thursday. It feels kind of full of possibilites and I keep running scenarios through my head. It's leading me in all sorts of directions because he's planning the night and I don't know at all what those plans are.

Last night I ended up sleeping on the couch all night. I hope that doesn't happen again tonight and I'm thinking of maybe taking a tylenol or two (my doctor said this was ok) if the pain is bad again. I really want to sleep well and be super energized. I have big make-up plans for tomorrow. I'm also going to wear my demin mini skirt, with tights, because I feel awesome in it. I'm prepared for my mom to comment on it's inapprpriateness. 'Tis the season I guess.

I'm going to leave and watch Wuthering Heights now. I have no idea when I'll most next so Merry Christmas everyone!!!

Frustration

I can't fall asleep. I just toss and turn in discomfort everytime I'm in my bed. So I get up, watch some TV, and fall asleep. Then, thinking I can go back to bed, I do, only be become uncomfortable again. It's all my joints. My body is just not comfortable or relaxed. This sucks. I just want to go to sleep.

bits and pieces

1. I really love my hair when you can see all the blond poking thorugh the red.

2. My body wants sex really bad. It's the pre-menstural hormones. I need to get rechargable AAA batteries next time I'm at London Drugs (tomorrow?). My favorite vibe has been out of commission.

3. I got a $200 bonus from work today.

4. I still haven't wrapped any of my presents.

Paving Ahead

Another google docs post. The last one looked fine.

I'm only here (work) for 2.5 hours today. That's kind of awesome.

So The Filmmaker and I talked for a while last night. The conclusion was that he's planning something for next week that will show me a bit of his life. We discussed how my lack of excitement could be that either I'm just not that into him, or that it's all really new and I'm scared and nervous. He knows that the first is a real possibility and said he likes me enough (He used the word 'fascinating'.) to risk it.

The Charlie Brown Christmas song is on the radio.


But I also had to let him know not to constantly treat me with kid golves. I have to know when he's frustrated and what he wants. I can't be the only happy and comfortable one. That kind of defeats getting to know him and I might not notice his issues as quickly as I should. Following that he did say that he wished we were "closer" (code for wanting to touch my breasts basically) but he did recognize my comfort level is increasing and he doesn't want anything to be forced. Again, if I'm willing to try he's willing to wait.

In other news Orange and I went out and he discovered "The Postal Service" and asked me questions about female ejaculation. Much fun.

What I didn't share

I just sent the FIlmamaker a nice long, but concise (as possible) email. I feel ok about it.

But what did I leave out? Anything superficial and anything about sex.

He's a myspace friend now. Friends can snoop. hmmm.

Orange asked me if I had issues about sex or if I just didn't want to have it with him.

The answer is that I have tons of issues and I'm not sure if I want to have it with him.

I do know that we can do more than we're doing without sex being the result.

Why am I wiritng these short statements?

So here's a quick summary of the general sex issues.

1. I'm used to just having it with myself. It's all about me.

2. I'm worried I'll be ____________ with another person involved.

3. Blank possibilities: confused, overhwelmed, lost, tense

4. What if I sleep with him and decide I don't really like him?

5. If I sleep with him it means I have a boyfriend. right?

ok, time to go to bed. I feel full of thoughts and conflicting information. I have work tomorrow and dinner plans. I'm tired. I really wanted this to be easy.

Ugh

Tonight he asked me this as he was leaving: "Have you been in a really bad relationship, or is this just how you are in new relationships?"

1. I'm feeling like the Filmmaker might be running out of patience.

2. I think I'm running out of patience.

3. I think I need to put forth more effort, and not just expect things to happen.

3.5. Or I need trust my lack of excitement be my indicator to end things.

4. I don't know what whould make me more excited.

5. "Moments" make me nervous and I destroy them.

6. Orange says I have to tell the whole truth.

7. There's so much going on in my head.

8. I don't know if he's the problem or I am. I suspect both is the real answer.

9. I want this to be fun and simple.

10. Should Christmas gifts be exchanged by now?

11. A draft email will be written.

12. I feel like I should know how to do this and stupid that I don't.

The Current Cast

Vancouver:
Blondie: I met her through Midge.
Midge: We met through her cousin who I was friends with in highschool.
Miranda: We met in highschool and we'll always be friends.
Ringlettes: Met her through Chatton. She's living in Halifax right now for Art School.
Farmer: I met him through Midge also. Few can complete with his coolness.
Eastern: Met her through midge and she also spent much of the last year in Europe.
Stevie: A friend who I met through Midge and is also friends with Farmer.
IceHockey: A friend of Midge. I've only met him a few times but he's fun enough.
Orange: He started in the "boy" section below, now he's just my gay boyfriend.
Lily: Actually lives in England. I met her while living there and miss her a lot.
Olive: Was a co-worker but is not a friend I don't see as often as I should.
Lil Boat: I met her while working at the Art Gallery.
Lashes: A girl I go to school with. She has a baby (good) and is quite negative (bad).

(There's other people at school but since I'm only there for another month and I'm not sure who I'll see after we finish.)

HK Inc (Work):
Heavy: My major boss who is a super great person who communicates as a boss like crap.
Keavy: The other boss.
Regina: My religious co-worker who is nonetheless very sweet.
Sandals: Another co-worker.
Delinquant: Our lab manager who gets paid way more than he should do considering how slack he is.

Family:
Mom: She lives very near to me and we are mostly close.
Dad: Amazing and always with me.
Sister: We have different moms and she is in her 30's but we get along swimmingly.
Nephew: My sisters 4 year old son.
Baldy: My moms boyfriend who's live with her for over 10 years.
Neice: Baldy's granddaughter who lives with him and my mom.

Boys:
The Filmaker: The first person I am trying to seriously date in a long time. I'm not very good at it.
The Artist: We dated for 2.5 years. We don't see each other much but still get along. I don't regret anything about our relationship.
New Years Boy: We made out on new years one year ad I never heard from him. I then found out he told people we slept together. The next year he was at the same new years party I was at but I didn't recognize him.
CRB: Confusing Relationship boy. We met when I was 12 but we've gone long periods of time without seeing each other. We have the most amazing chemistry but I am physically repulsed by him and he is so many things I can't stand in a person. Drama galore.

Bad

I want to invite the filmmaker over tonight when he's done work. However, it's not becasue I actually want to see him or spend time with him. It's beause I want a warm body with me on the couch. Bad sign and not nice of me.

Bored or tired?

1. I hate that like 3 days after Christmas there'll be a bunch of money in my bank. I still have one thing to buy for both my mom and niece and I'm almost out of money.

2. This does not bode well for going out on a date with the Filmmaker. The gallery sticks as an idea because it's free (for me and I have an extra pass).

3. I really hope I find what I want for my niece. And I can afford it.

4. I have no idea what I want to get for my mom.

5. My cat's going a bit looney and I'm not sure why.

6. I need to eat better. If only because I need to continue to actually fit my clothes.

7. I'm struggling with the idea of having a boyfriend (which I don't have).

8. I'm getting used to touch and my sex dive is pretty high. That's both good and bad.

9. I really like the girls I craft with.

Sick

I'm kind of fucking disgusted with myself right now. I have eaten so much food that I feel bloated and sick. It was all nutritionally void on top of that. ugh.

But I'm pretty sure I'm getting a laminator and a crock pot for christmas. That's happy but I still feel gross.

Mornings

I'm awake, showered and eating breakfast. Today I'm at the art gallery playing with kids. My energy must be high and a coffee is required. I felt a bit sick last night and ended up not doing anything. No going out with a girl from my class or the Filmmaker. Or even staying in with the Filmmaker. I'm insistant that our next date will not be in my house. My thinking maybe the gallery because it puts me at ease, but then anything outside is fine.

Last night as I was hanging out alone (TV, sorting presents) I kind of wanted him to be there. I want him to talk about something other than film, but not feel the need to roll my eyes at it. It's definately not his problem. He can talk about things other than film but I'm having a hard time not being judgemental. And then he talks and I only have listen while I consider my own reaction. That's not good.

Today when I get home I have a bunch of soap to make. I'm also going to buy some wrapping paper and wrap the gifts I already have. I need one more thing for my niece and a lot more for my mom. It's under control though. I also need some stickers or something for tags.

Finding something

Last night was very nice. Very intimate. Orange was around first and we talked and relaxed. Then Lil boat, who brought me an awesome deck of tarot cards. Then Miranda and her man came (I need a name for him). Then a girl from my craft group came which is super awesome. That was all. We talked and looked at books and ate pandoro.

It was entirely different than Wednesday, but neither was better than the other. This morning a girl in my class (one who didn't come on Wednesday) sent me a message all about how awful her relationship is. And it's part becasue of her self-esteem issues, and part because he's not as sympathetic as she needs. But there's a kid involved and it's not bad enough to just throw away. I have no idea.

Last night Miranda and Orange kept asking where the Filmmaker was and stuff. I was not uncomfortable with it, but didn't want to talk about it too much. They wanted pictures and there was no way that was happening. I wouldn't tell them why. I'm still not really secure about it all. I'm not sure if I'm that attracted to him, looks or personality. I need to keep him out of my friends group for a little while.

After everyone left I answered a text of his from earlier in the evening and we ended up on the phone for a bit. I also got a text from CRB saying Merry Christmas. That pretty much means he was drunk or lonely or both. I didn't really know what to think about that. I don't trust that he has good motives at all.

Back to the Filmmaker. I do want to see him more. But I don't want to show him off. I don't want to gush. I'm just in really unfamiliar territory. I know everyone is excited for me and I'm trying really hard (kind of sucessfully) to relax about it. Maybe I want it to be ideal. I mean it's been along time. Maybe I want to be excited and just jump into it. That isn't this situation though.

He's not who I saw myself with. But then I don't know him super well yet. And some things about him are. The things that aren't though really aren't. I need to reconcile that. I'll be honest and say that not only is it new, it's scary. And I don't really want to involve other people in that fear. (Is it true that to get over it I need to?)

I want to go shopping but I'm not sure where. I really just want to buy myself stuff. Plus I have no work until Thursday and I don't want to get everything done this weekend and be bored all week.

I'm posting this from google so I don't log into it at work. I'm bored bored bored. I do have stuff to do but it's boring and frustrating. I'd rather be just bored. And I'm cold. It's cold outside and cold inside. It's so cold in my office I have my coat and scarf on which means I'll be super cold when I get outside.

People are coming over tonight and I don't feel excited (is this a theme?). My house is not as tidy as I want it to be and I have lots to do before people come over (tidy my room and the bathroom, dishes, move craft stuff off the table, vacuum, take out garbage, clean fridge). On top of it I just don't feel very well. I think my body is super mad at me for not feeding it well enough. Also, I went to get the Pandoro (Italian Christmas Cake) but they didn't have the exact type in the exact brand as I had in Italy so I was sad.

What else? The Filmmaker of course. Can't really blabber without including him. I was checking my myspace when he was over so he sent me to his. I didn't read it until yesterday. His religion is listed as "Christian - other". That deserves a question. I'm not sure when we're seeing each other next. That's kind of nice though. I know he has tomorrow off work but I said I had tentative plans even though I didn't. This was last weekend though when I was thinking I didn't want to see him again. I do now - want to see him, not have plans. Well I have plans to make soap and do some more Christmas shopping. Not real plans.

I think I want to do something other than watch a movie though. That's a routine easy to slip into and one with little opportunity to really talk. I need the talking to maintain my comfort and interest. Plus, I'm the one who keep suggesting movies. They're comfortable for me. And for him I suspect. I may text him tomorrow morning depending how I feel.

Last night we had this huge windstorm and it kept making me wake up. My windows were rattling so hard I was worried they were going to break. It was pretty crazy. But there's only an hour left in my day and I should finish the thing that's been frustrating me all day so I won't have to do it next week. Also, my boss only wants me here a day and a half next week so I have nearly the whole thing free because school is done for the holidays. That I an excited about.

two hours sleep

Yesterday after class most of us went over to one of my classmates house and got super drunk. Some key words (not all directly involved me): kissing, games, hickeys, whips, fetish, secrets, confessions, bonding, music, trust, breasts. A mis of things really. pretty crazy but also pretty amazing. I wasn't expecting the praise (of my body and personality) that I received from them at all. It felt kind of awesome.

But then, the most major thing. I called the Filmmaker, who happened to be downtown, and so he came to the house. He ended up walking one classmate to the skytrain because she was so drunk, then cabbing home with me and two others. He stayed with me and we watched movies until 6:40 am. I told him it was time to leave because I had to be at school at 9:30. There was some very minimal kissing involved.

So what does this mean? I know that he is now "the guy I'm dating". He knows I want proceed cautiously and I'm sorting my feelings out as I go. I pretty much ignored him at the party and he seemed to fend pretty well. He talked to people and most of the drunken reports were positive. I am still a little concerned that I'm not feeling that excited and that I'm hesitant but I'm working through it. I really want to make sure that if I end it I'm doing it because I don't feel things for him, rather than becasue I'm scared.

Money Issues

I'm going out with my whole class tonight but I have a problem. I'm not too sure what I'm going to do about it. Basically, I'm living off my credit card right now, which is fine because I get paid on Friday. Usually I can take cash out with my card but it's not working at all. Which would be fine if we were going to somewhere I could pay by credit. And I looked at my moms bank account and she doesn't have enough money to lend me any. sucks.

Wanting

This sounds kind of silly to say/write, but I feel really sexy today. It's a combination of my hair and what I was wearing and just a general feeling. I don't really have a place to express it though. It will remain just something for myself though.

It's weird remebering what it's like to have someone else touch you. I had got kind of used to being without it but just a tiny hint of it brings it all flooding back. And while I may not be excited about seeing the Filmmaker, I am certainly excited by what dating again could bring.

Next week I'm going to have a mini-party at home and am going out drinking (really) with everyone from school. I'm excited about both.

But I really would like to be excited about someone I could call, invite over and then have my way with for a little while.

blah blah blah

1. I wish I was out right now doing something fun.

2. I do not want to get up early and go do WHMIS tomorrow.

3. I'm 100% sure I will not fall for the FIlmmaker.

4. I'm 100% sure that the hint of touch I got last night is something I want.

5. I want to be excited about someone.

6. I got a package from Lily's family in England. I love them.

7. I want to date.

8. I'm not sure how to meet people to date.

9. I really wanted to like the Filmmaker. I feel disappointment.

10. I am tired. I also have to deal with an obligation I totally negelected tomorrow. I feel bad about it.

In need of rest

1. I thought I had told a classmate I couldn't work on a make-up job she's doing but I must not have. She thinks I'm still doing it but I can't.

2. I got another job but it's for a day I'm in school, which is silly becasue I never would have responded to the ad if I couldn't make the day.

3. I'm dying my hair on Friday. Bight red with gold highlights I think.

4. My room really needs to be cleaned.

5. My bathroom looks nice and has art in it.

6. I'm seeing the filmmaker tomorrow but I am not excited. I have to explain my behaviour on Saturday. I also am pretty sure I don't want to keep seeing him.

7. More on #6 later. maybe. I'm tired. and disappointed.

nothing

My ability to cry is gone. I want to sit and sob. Just cry with every bit of energy I have and I can't. I need the release I felt after it. But I think and I rationalize and put everything I want to cry about into neat little boxes and I keep going. I'm pretty sure this should make me happy but it doesn't. I just want to cry about things. Neat little boxes are not comfortable.

fuck

All I really want o do is swear. I bought make-up today. Did make-up last night. Both went well. But filmmaker and the fact that I'm totally procrastinating about my project tomorrow make me want to say fuck over and over again. really. fuck.

So I called

I've just gotten home from coffee with the Filmmaker. I feel very disconnected about it. He was pretty touchy. I know where he stands basically. But where do I stand? Well I was pretty neutral and unreadable I think. I mean I didn't stop it, but I also didn't initiate or progress it. I didn't want to either. I also think I slipped in a "when I went crazy..." statement too. I'm pretty sure he would have kissed me but I'm awesome at not letting that happen.

He asked if I was still nervous around him as we were parting. I said no, because he's just a person and I was being truthful. But I am nervous about the situation, which is what I think he sensed. I'm pretty sure he would have kissed me but I'm awesome at not letting that happen. I definitely don't like him as much as he likes me. And I may want to have sex like mad, but not with him. But we still have plans for Thursday.

I guess I don't know how to proceed. Should I just keep going as is? Should I say something about just wanting to be super casual? Or should I just say I'm not feeling it and end it there? He says things about really enjoying me but usually I respond with silence. or "thanks". I think I have to remeber boys are kind of stupid and you have to be really clear with them. But that would mean being clear with myself.

Actualyl I think I am pretty clear with how I feel. He's fine to talk to, but I don't really have the interest in anything more. did I just answer my own questions? It would be easier if I didn't like him at all, or didn't know that he liked me. I'm going to go watch a movie. This is bring up a lot of questions.

1. Does it bother me that he's not put off my my strange interests?
2. Am I ever going to want to kiss someone?
3. Am I ever going to like someone?
4. Shouldn't this be easier now that I know someone can like me?
5. Shouldn't his tolerance make him appealing?
6. What is it exactly that doesn't feel right?

Well this is a lot. Part of me just wants to say "look, I'm not sure if I'm interested in persuing this and I don't think it's fair for you to not know that". I don't know if that is either appropriate or necessary. Or what to do once it's been said. Maybe I'm feeling pressured to be more open becasue of him being so open, that it's making me too uncomfortable to be open. On the other hand, maybe I'm jusy purely not attracted enough to him to want to be open and that's that. I don't know how to tell them apart.

And I really want to be comfortable and open. really, I do. so much. Maybe, that in itself is a problem. ok. movie, now.

conflicting

I know I wanted to make things slow and not encourage creepily-familiar behaviour but I want to call the Filmmaker now and see if he wants to do coffee this afternoon. I was going to go downtown and shop but realize I shouldn't. I should still get out of the house though. hmm.

Distance and...

I didn't go into work today. I didn't feel good. I didn't really do anything either like I should have. As a result I have a list for tomorrow. I'm watching "30 days" online and I remember why I liked it so much.

I'm feeling lonely today I think. I spoke with Orange for a while and then my mom and when I hung up I felt like crying. I didn't though. I don't cry nearly as easily these days. It's a lot of things. My mom. My dad. England. School. The first two are sad. I just miss the third a lot. The fourth is awesome, but busy and almost over. Everything is stress, good and bad.

I'm thinking of the Filmmaker. Thinking about what it is I want. What it is I want from him, on Thursday. But also what I want from someone, in the next little while. What I want for Thursday is much clearer. A little bit. Surprisingly, I think I just want to have fun and see if there's any potential there. Yes, he's smart, Yes, he knows his film, but that's not enough to overcome the other things.

So maybe part of it is to see if I feel some sort of physical connection to him. That's more complicated though. That involves me relaxing. Not continually analyzing. Being open to the possibility. I don't want to incorporate the word vulnerable into a sentence. I am sure it's too early for that. It's hard for me to asses what I want when I am so worried about the implications of either. Are my feelings based on fear or a lack of chemisty? It's important to be able to distinguish that and I don't know if I can.

But I am going to try not to worry about that, at least until it's actually in my face. For now I have a major project to do on Monday and alot of prep work to do for it. My focus will be there for now. Or something.

added a few hours later: I kind of want to like the filmmaker. I go back and forth. dating vs. relationship. Maybe it's my post-mentrual hormones that are making me want to have sex and closeness so much. I want hand-holding and kissing. and sex. do I need to say it more? I already know what I'm going to wear on Thursday. My hesitation from early in the week feels to have fallen away. I'm going to watch the rest of this show and put nail polish on.

Just a little

1. If you haven't heard John Vanderslice, go listen to his album "Pixel Revolt". I'm loving it right now.

2. I had a bit of a shopping binge today. Good stuff though and nothing stupid.

3. I'm thinking and talking a lot about my dad. It's a combination of christmas and my mom being sick.

4. I want to go out drinking or get a massage. One is cheaper than the other but one is less risky.

5. Snow is still all over the place and I still want to have sex. alot.

Snippets

1. My friends at school think the Filmmaker shouldn't get a second chance.

2. I called the Filmmaker tonight (he didn't call me "dear" or anything similar) and we are going out next week. No exact plans yet, just the date.

3. Some of my mom's preliminary tests say she's diabetic. It's been a rough week for her and this complicates things way more.

4. I'm doing drag make-up this weekend and I am excited about it. Paid job too.

5. The snow is everywhere and I want to have sex.

Snow Day

Well my school and work are both closed. All the universities are closed, as are most of the private schools. It really doesn't look like the snow is that bad though and I kind of wanted to go to school today. I feel bored. yuck. A girl from my class just called and she went to school becasue it's not open when she leaves home so she's in town and a few of us might get together and do something later. I'm also thinking ofheading to the other end of town (yes, I'm crazy) to buy some yarn to finish a big project I haven't worked on in ages.

Warmth

Today it is snowing and I feel all sick and crampy. I would love to have someone who would just come to me with movies and hang out on the couch with me. But I don't. I also don't think that the Filmmaker is someone I want to be that person. I'm kind of disappointed.

Closer to the roots

Orange and I talked a lot tonight as usual. Here's some notes.

1. If I really liked someone it wouldn't matter at all what shoes he wore.

2. I want to feel excited about the guy I'm dating.

3. I want to go on more first dates.

4. I am going to go on a second date with the filmmaker.

5. I do have some reservations about the Filmmakers personality.

6. He seems to be a lot more interested in me than I am in him.

7. He's called me "dear" and that's not really cool with me at this point.

8. I am feeling conflicted on dating vs. relationship.

9. I want dating to meet different kinds of people and see what is out there.

10. I want relationship for intimacy and sex.

11. I want a guy to add to my life, not just fit into it.

That's all for today. I am going to try to knit a bit and watch some late night tv.

Action/Inaction

I just bought a little hand vaccum and it makes me happy. My house feels cleaner.

I went out with Miranda and that was good. I didn't talk at all about me being shallow but we did talk in general about me dating and The Filmmaker. While we were wandering the Bay looking for a dress for Miranda the Filmmaker called. He wanted to know what I was doing tomorrow but I already have plans with Blondie. But I was kind of distracted (by black velvet blazers) and said I was busy and got some bad news that left me a little scatterered and would be in touch.

After coming home and thinking about it I felt kind of like I appeared to brush him off. I didn't think that was very nice because I will see him again, I'm just busy. If I'm going to do this whole dating thing I should at least be honest if I don't intend on seeing someone again.

So I called him back (a few hours later) to explain a bit. I kept it really short (really, I did!) and said that my mom might be sick and that my dad died just over a year ago and that the news had left me a little fucked up. I didn't mention that my dads death lead to my going a bit crazy and I'm worried I will react similarly if things with my mom progess negatively but it's true. He said he understood and that I should just call him when I have some time and want to do coffee or a movie.

He also said that he "really liked" me and wanted to see me again. OK, I believe it's true and possible, but I think the part that concerns me is how he knows so soon. I just can't say that about someone after meeting them once. I mean this morning to Miranda I could say things like "He seems smart so far" and "he's really into film, which is good, but has a generic taste in music". I mean he's nice but I couldn't say I really like him in any way.

must go and eat before Orange gets here. We're going to Value Village tonight.

Rushing

I'm running late but I am still writing here.

I called Miranda last night and asked to go for breakfast. She fit me into her busy study schedule. I'm going to talk to her about some of this and see why she she had no problem setting Titania up but never considered me. Plus I just want to talk to her a bit.

Something I don't really want to talk about yet but feel compelled to: My mom has two lumps in her breasts and her lymphnodes are swollen. She goes into the hospital on December 12th for a biopsy and two other screening tests. Two major thing are in my head.
1. I can't lose two parents.
2. They said my dad would be alright too.
I am waiting to really freak out and think about it until after the tests when we actually know what's going on for sure.

Thinking

I've still reached no conclusion on Filmmaker. In some ways I feel it is something I should continue with just to get my dating comfort level up. In other ways I don't think I should if I'm not really into it. I talked about it with Orange a bit last night but didn't really get into what I was thinking as much as I probably should have.

It's not like going on a second date is a big deal anyways. right? Plus, the things that are bothering me are superficial and silly. I wonder if I'd not want to make a friend with the same type of circumstances. Either way I'm mean.

Despite all this pondering I know part of my fear is that if I do go forward there will be more expectitions and more newness and that makes me nervous. Also, I do have an internal voice telling me that I can't be picky. Like I don't have the priviledge of being so. It's not like I have other potential boys in the wings.

But maybe in that lies the solution. Go on a second date and find other people to have more first dates with. A challenge yes, but a good idea in the long run. And it's not leading the filmmaker on at all. Who knows, maybe he'll find out about my hate of hiking boots and fleece (and my feelings that he needs a hair cut) and decide he doesn't like me.

A problem with that solution is that I'm not sure how to meet other guys. I'm pretty busy in general with extra things but none of them are really boy friendly. Hmm. I will have to think of this one more. And email the filmmaker.

Edited to add:
1. I know there are intersting guys with style in this city - some of them must be single.
2. I'm worried that if I don't do this I'll be alone forever and this is my one chance at a relationship. I know this one is wrong but I still think it. I really want someone right now but I also can't have that mean I'm settleing. am I thinking about this way to hard? it's only a second date right? equally, they're just clothes right?

A First Date

I feel kind of sick. I find fault in everything. We have stuff in common but I'm shallow. (He wears fleece and hiking boots). We did talk very well together though. No silences until waiting for the bus. I totally agreed to going out again but backed off from all attempts at touching. He also suggested staying out longer but I said I wanted to go home. I kept getting complimented and it made me uncomfortable. I felt on the spot and unsure how to proceed. I need to talk it out with some people I think.

He was what I was expecting I guess and did remind me of CRB in some ways but smarter. And he loves what he does which is good. but hmm. I feel anxious.

Preparing

This is quick just to say that tomorrow I am going for coffee with the Filmmaker. We talked on the phone and he sounded suspiciously sincere and as I've been thinking about it reminded me a lot of CRB in that you never really knew what he was thinking. He also sounded excited. I feel that's a bad thing and it worries me. I'm sure I'll post tomorrow as soon as I get home.

At home

I'm glad to be home and able to stay here for a bit. Just to clean and organize myself a bit. I wanted to add some things to my last post because I was at work and had to keep it short.

1. The things I was concerned about in the Filmmakers email were " I just got [my computer] back up and running today. So the first thing I had to do was email you." and "I hope you are still interested in getting together sometime soon. I've been
thinking about you." I'm not comfortable with my own instincts and don't really know if I should be worried or excited. hmm.

2. What I spent my money on: Printer Ink, a bag for school, a sweater, dinner, lunch x2, getting my hair curled, curl gel, a tank top, an empty eyeshadow palette, empty capsules for blood, 5 magazines, bathing suit. It's a strange list. Most was on sale/cheap or relate to school so I don't "regret" the purchases and I've already used most of the material items. Plus my hair made me look and feel super hot. Hmm about this too.

Excited and irresponsible

First, the Filmmaker emailed. He said nice (maybe too nice?) things and still wants to go for drinks. This is good and we will go for drinks.

Second, I spent my entire paycheque in three days. I'm not really sure how but it's gone. I got things I needed but no food or bills. I'm an idiot really and just got carried away. A bunch of it is for school, which is how it all happened. But ya. I'm irresponsible.

A quick list

1. So far the week is good.

2. I got my hair done tonight and it's curly and super cute.

3. Lil boat and I are going to a concert next week. I might drink.

4. I'm not longer anticipating hearing from the Filmmaker.

5. Tomorrow I am going to spend the night at Midge's hotel room.

6. I'm excited about the make-up job I am doing on Friday.

7. I am going to get back on Weightwatchers starting Saturday.

8. I really want to shop but I am going to stick to priority items.

9. I feel more social already.

10. I have dates set for the craft group.

Centered

I emailed Midge this monring and she called me today so we talked a bit. She's actually in town this week so we are going to go for dinner. Just the two of us I think. Either way it'll be good for catching up. And if it is with other people it's friends I haven't seen in a long while which is also good.

Orange kind of dated Farmer's boyfriends roommate a while ago. It ended well though from what I've been explained. Farmer invited me out dancing with others for his borthday and so Orange came with me. It was a fun night overall.

Anyways, lil boat and Ice Hockey are on my short list for the Be Good Tanyas concert. I'm not sure if it's appropriate to ask Ice Hockey though. Also, I know Orange knows I want to go but he's never been to a concert before (yes, never!!!!!) and didn't show any interest in going. I'd love him to come because it'll be so good but I should use it as an opportunity to expand my friendship circle. I worry I depend on him too much.

I must leave now and wear my rain shoes to walk to my mom's house. A turkey dinner in waiting for me. Well I'll eat everything but turkey. really I'm just after the mashed potatoes and gravy (not the kind from the turkey though.

realization

I've been watching "What's Eating Gilbert Grape?" and it occured to me that my tears and frustration are not my depression. It's different because I know exactly what I'm sad about. Before I didn't know at all. It was just this great overwhelming feeling of sadness. Now it's insecurity, on all fronts. The realization that I know what it is now is actually really comforting. Maybe more comforting is that I know I can change it and I want to. That's different too.

But how to change it is not something I know yet.

I do want to be going out more but I don't know where. It's not like I wish I went to such-and-such place more. I miss that about England. I had multiple places I liked to go. Here I don't. It's just shopping, which I can't afford to do. And watching movies at home. alone. I have to find new places. or something. Neither of that involves meeting people, or even spending time with them.

Do I just call friends and say "I want to go out. Let's do something."? Can I just do that? What do I have to offer that makes other people want to spend time with me? I know there's something though. I'm told there is.

If I had $1000.00 I'd buy a plane ticket in a second.

People don't really stay in my life though. I have to get over that idea. And the one that I'm separate from everyone. And that I'd be more fun if I started drinking again. I've been wanting to drink again. I see other people drink and I get it. There's this happiness and this freedom. I miss that. I feel the happiness these days but not the freedom. I'm always aware of something that holds it back.

I didn't want to end up crying. really. I want to feel positive and happy and sucessful. I know somewhere it's in me. really. I want to go to the Be Good Tanyas show at the end of the month really bad. I don't have anyone to go with though. Titania would go but I'm not ready for that. My Dad would go. That's not useful though. I don't know what else to do though. I guess I should just ask people but I don't know anyone who would want to go. Kind of in circles really.

I know the money issues are part of my sadness. I don't feel like I can do anything when I'm broke. No coffee, no shopping, nothing. I'm happy for Orange. I was jealous of Chatton but not of Orange. There's something true about his happiness. And I do want to meet the boy. And be fun and not serious. I know I can do it.

I dropped volunteering at the gallery every weekend. I think that was good in terms of time but not for my interacting-with-people stuff. Same with the craft group. I really came out of last winter with this attitude of doing what made me happy. I think I've lost some of that. The playfulness. I need it back. I need to stop with all of the seriousness. It'll be good for me and make me more fun to be around. I'll never be able to let go of it all, nor would I even want to, but I can put it aside when it's unnecessary.

But I do know my environment would help that along. More time with people gives me less time to think about myself. The amount of introspection I'm doing these days is a bit much really. (that must be like the 15th time I've typed 'really'.)

Ok, five steps for the next few days to help this:
1. Email Midge to catch up. I'm not sure why that's fallen away.
2. FInd some one to see Be Good Tanyas with.
3. Think of ways to meet guys (ie. not craft group)
4. Take care of the piles of small things to do and open ALL mail.
5. Get back to crafting so the swaps aren't weighing on me.

Today, I am greatful for:
1. My ceiling not leaking.
2. New rain safe shoes.
3. Downloading TV online.
4. My apartment being mine and pretty and tidy.
5. Cooking and having leftovers

Today, I acknowledge myself for:
1. Trying to feel better - honestly and actively.
2. Putting the kitchen stuff away
3. Practising my bruising
4. not obsessing about the filmmaker (really.)
5. starting to get back to things I care about.

Saturdays

I'm home and bored. I have some practical things to do, which I am slowly doing but I still feel bored. And lonely. I called Orange to see if he wanted to go thrifting a bit but I forgot that he actually works today. I called Miranda but she's got exams this week and a stagette to go to tonight. I don't really know who else to call.

I haven't heard from the Filmmaker so I've been thinking about other ways to meet people. I'm a bit stumped. I know I need to go out more but I'm not sure where. I feel like I'm in a position to create a new social life because I don't really have one. At the same time, I don't really have a guide to create one.

I guess I don't really feel like thinking this over a lot right now. I just need to get out and have fun a bit more. And cheap fun too, where there's opportunity to meet people I don't know. I know I miss craft group but that only fills part of what I'm after.

Irritation

1. I did a mini interview with Holt's and don't really want the job now.

2. I decided to apply at MAC.

3. I took a volunteer two-day film job but the woman who's doing it is an idiot. She keeps giving me odd information and doesn't understand how hiring a make-up artist works and it's so confusing that I want to just tell her to forget it. I'm not going to becasue even if it's crap it's a film on my resume. I'm not even getting paid and am just getting a tiny kit fee to cover the cost of my product. blah.

4. Orange came over and we talked and crafted for a long while on Tuesday night. It was good.

5. I'm looking for another job. I'm just too broke and I've cut down on the coffee and eating Lunch out. My expenses are high and I just need more of it to live.

6. I am going to go watch "what not to wear" and stuff envelopes (paid by HK inc.) and take pictures of scarves so I can try selling them for extra money.

Restlessness

I kind of want to skip dating. I just want to get ot the making out part. It's unfortunate in a way that I can't. I'm losing interest in the possibility of the Filmmaker. He was moving this weekend so I wasn't expecting to hear from him but I'm not as interested anymore. I'm trying not to get my hopes up with it and I think that has resulted in me not caring at all. I kind of feel like moving on but I don't really know what a next step is.

I'm feeling better today. The morning started off low but got better. I talked to my teacher about some of my school insecurities and she helped a bit. I also come home to make-up in the mail which is always good. I've been relaxing and getting ready for my interview tomorrow since getting home. Just kind of hanging around in near-nakedness feeling like myself.

I made a scarf for a girl in my class and now my teacher wants one too. that's motivating me to get some new things online and try to make some extra money that way. Ultimately though my goal is extra income through make-up. That would feel best.

Actually, untimately my goal is to have enough money to live through the rest of school, stay positive and actually date a few people. That's my three things. No, I'll add spend more time with friends as a fourth. No more freaking out over one bad incedent, especially if it's not really that bad at all.

Restlessness relates to me wanting to be with people. I want to be out talking and being funny and light-hearted. (This is kind of what I'm talking about when I talk about my moods being a little crazy). But instead I'm going to watch tv, have a bowl of cereal and find some new stuff to wank to. It's a start at least. Tomrrow I will work on the being more light-hearted and thinking of how I can start dating.

3 in one day

So I am feeling a bit better. I'm still feeling not super great about my abilities to succeed but I'm feeling better about my ability to be positive about it.

What helped? Making a scarf, talking to Orange (who can somehow be both comforting and honest), reading fashion magazines and doing my cosmetics resume. I need to remember all of that for next time. Seeing a trailer for "happy feet" didn't hurt at all either.

Tomorrow at lunch I have some things to do (mainly get the craft group meeting again) and I think I'm going to leave one of my gallery jobs. This will give me more time to either work or keep myself relaxed and happy. I think maybe I lost focus on what I need to be happy and got caught up practical things between the move, money issues and school. I think I get caught is being upset about how much work it is for me to just enjoy my life. Rather than working to keep myself happy I mope about having to work for it. And shopping and eating out are not ways to keep me happy right now so I need to focus on replacements for them. And seeing friends more. I don't feel like I have many right now but I have some and should see them once in a while.

in need of comfort

I didn't go to the art gallery. I'm thinking about quitting there. That's hard. I really think I found some sort of inpiration and sanity. Today I don't feel inspired or sane. I feel confused and alone. I know that I'm not technically alone but at the same time no one's here. I barely even feel like I am.

All the consolation my mom gives me is that this is how things are and we just have to keep going. That's no comfort to me. Some days it's like I'm so entirely present and clear about my path. But times like this I can't even really identify the path. I'm confused about why I'm doing anything and who is in my life. Self-doubt is so abound I can't even begin to talk myself out of it. I can't identify the positive things at all yet I know none of these feelings are really my reality.

I kind of want to be back im my place of denile and craziness. Doing whatever I want just because it makes me happy and keeps me distracted. I went to get some groceries and I was not good in the store. I was unfocused and just not here. My head is elsewhere. I'm not feeling connected to my life.

I want to be back in therapy where you can just sit and talk and someone else is asking you all the questions to give you perspective. And I can't ask any of my friends to do it for me. The list of people is so short these days and everyone has there own lives that are just as busy or even busier than mine. I can't, and don't, blame them for not coming to my rescue. I don't expect them just to know what I need and know that if I want something I have to ask.

But I can't ask for what I want. What I want isn't reality. But then maybe on a level all I want is for someone to just give me a hug and spend time with me. Because really there's not too mcuh wrong with my life. The major thing is that I'm slowly getting more and more broke and can not afford to live. Which is scary but it's not part of me. I know it'll be better in the new year and a second job will go a long way to helping. But someone to comfort me and to tell me everything is going to be good despite both of us knowing that it kind of already is would go a long way to helping me feel it.

Plus I want to be fun wtih my friends. I want to be light and happy and be someone they actually enjoy having around. I don't feel I do that (and is potentially why I have so few right now). I'm this ball of seriousness trying to fix problems that are all in my head and can't separate myself from them long enough to...well do anything really. Instead I isolate myself, spill everything to no one and listen to the same song on repeat so it's as if time isn't passing at all.

I'm going to go have some food and drink tea and craft and watch a bad made-for-tv movie. As for the rest of this I have no idea. I don't know what it would take to really break me out of this. I don't even think a plane tcket would do these days. That's hard too.

In need of downtime

I've slept for about 12 hours and still don't feel rested. I feel like I've been too guided my my emotions and one single event. I'm exhausted by the energy it is taking. I'm supposed to be volunteering at the art gallery today but Ijust don't think I'm going to be able to make it in. I want to spend some time cleaning my house and getting it back in order and I have other stuff (crafting for money) I need to do.

I just don't really feel in control I guess. I now there'll always be things I can't control but right now they're really determining my mood. I feel weighed down.

Negative Consistancy

Just as I'm feeling better and excited and like I can and want to manage everything something I'm just not prepared for happens. My house is in disarray, I'm overwhelmed, overtired and still have so much to do to prepare for tomorrow. None of this was even avoidable. I hardly even have the energy to cry about it. I keep thinking about everything I have to do and how dry my hands feel. This sucks. Plus I just can't cook tonight so I'm ordering out even though I'm super broke. this sucks a lot.

Feeling It

I feel back on track make-up wise. This week has made me feel much more confident and prepared than I felt after last week. I have a bunch of things coming up (contests, fashion shows, interviews) and I really want to get on building my portfolio. That requires some money though and that's not something I have extra of right now.

But I was flipping through some magazines and I felt inspired and like there's a place for me in the industry I want into. They also reassure my decision to move to England (if I can work out visas). That brings up other issues (why am I thinking of dating?) but I'm trying to do that whole living-in-the-moment thing I'm not-so-good at.

But I'm feeling ok. I feel both excited and exhausted today. And I don't really get a break either. It's another long and busy week. Between school, work, the gallery and other make-up related events it's a lot but it's fun. I'm also trying to really keep my evenings to myself so I can relax and chill with my cat.

Today I had paint all over me from the assignment at school and I felt kind of like an artist. Good idea and good execution. It was a good feeling. One I really needed to have to feel reassured about my abilities. I think I inhaled too many paint fumes today - I feel a little rambly.

Step two

I confessed to Orange (aka The Knitter) last night that I've been emailing the Filmmaker. He was proud of me and thought it was a good idea. I'm still not super sure about the whole situation but knowing he's on my side is comforting. I also articualted a tiny bit about why I'm so freaked out about it. I know it's partly about knowing that it's going to end and wondering if it'll just end in me feeling rejected and worse off then I am now.

I also just don't really know who I am in a relationship. I've just been on my own for so long it's all I know and all I'm used to. Plus, last time I was in a relationship I was completely different in general. But then I'm not optimistic that this whole thing will go into relationship territory. (Orange also says I should be more optimistic.) However, we are going to meet and go for drinks in the next week or so. He just moved so he said when he's settled a bit. I agreed to it and only feel minorly sick about it so I think that's good.

I also have some stuff about school and my future profession but I have a feeling it will be more clear sometime this week. Possibily not though. Either way I'll deal wtih it once I have more information to really asses what I'm thinking and feeling.

I also have some stuff about the state of who I am as a sexual person. I'm off all my medication so I actually have a sex drive again which is pretty awesome. However, I have this big split in who I am and how my sexual persona connects to it. I feel like I'm either only sexual or void of it. Or like once someone has a peak of that part of me it's all I become. I don't really know why that is yet but I think it's something I've had for a while but it's never been much of an issue.

(A few notes for those who read before: I'm no longer really talking to Chatton and Titania. I'm not drinking anymore.)

Practice

I emailed the filmmaker back. I didn't get any clarity about the situation but I did realize there's nothing to lose and I just need to keep moving, or at least trying to. I'm really tired tonight and I need to get back to crafting. I just feel busy but it's really not that much. It's all I can really handle I guess though.

Finding a light

I'm feeling stupid today. I wasn't doing well with what we were doing in school today. I had to choose my two best pictures from a photoshoot I did so they could be marked and it was more like finding two that were good enough to not fuck my grade. It's weird getting along with nearly everyone in the class but still feeling like an outsider. Like everything about me sets me apart.

Am I addicted to misery? Am I resistant to enjoying my life?

I'm doing a make-up contest on Saturday. My teachers were about to pass a job (doing make-up) to me when I reminded them I was busy with this. I've found a model and her pictures look amazing so I know it will be good. And I know my design is good. But I'm not happy. I'm dreading doing my design drawing (which needs to be handed in by tomorrow). I fear it's all going to fall short of what's in my head and I'm really not good at this at all.

I'll be exposed for not really being good at anything. All the facts and all the articulateness will fall away and I'll be exposed for being perpetually alone and not good enough to really excel at anything. Or loved by anyone.

I check the creative gigs on craigslist nearly everyday for jobs. I don't feel that comfortable answering any yet because I'm still building my portfolio. Anyway, I ended up reading all the personals. I answered one several weeks ago and didn't tell anyone. I never heard back and felt stupid. I answered another one this weekend. I heard back. I'm scared to answer back.

He send me pictures and he's not that attractive. Not ugly but not someone I think I'd look twice at in real life. He does sound interesting though. A filmmaker. So now my head's full of all these questions. Should I email back even though I'm not thrilled by the pictures? Am I mean and shallow not to? Or am I just being honest? Do I deserve to be picky? Alternatively am I so fucked about not being good enough or lovable that I'll look for anything to have an excuse to not email? All I know is that I feel bad for not replying. Not enough to actually reply though. If I'm just deciding that emailing was an entirely bad idea because I'm so emotionally fucked and insecure right now do I owe any explanation? Why do I feel that I am obligated to explain?

Or, should I just get the fuck over myself and out of my head because it's not doing anything good for me?

I'm going to go watch grey's anatomy and cry. I'm going to feel ok for feeling so fucked up. I'm going to feel bad for not having anyone to make me feel better. I'm going to give myself time to feel alone and unloved so that I can properly devote time to doing my design chart.

Is it wrong to want someone to make me a priority? To drop everything for a few hours and come to my rescue? I go back and forth with my opinion on it all. Maybe it's only wrong to expect it. Maybe I am so desperately in need of feeling certain things that I can't have someone new in my life. I just used the word "desperate" to describe myself. That's pretty fucking disgusting. I don't know how else to explain it though. My life is never going to be somewhere I'm happy with until I feel good enough and loved. That's on me though. And I know that I'm I feel like I'm trying really hard to get there but I don't feel any closer.

Maybe I'm just being more honest with myself now. Before I was being more protective of all these vulnerabilities. Thougher, like I could handle it all. Maybe apart of me could. But all the feeling broken that occured in the last year or so left me unable to pretend. I'm lonely and people leave and there's not reason not to just admit and get used to it.

Part of me, that knows it's wrong wants me to follow that up with " and why the fuck let people in to begin with. You're going to get comfortable with them and they're going to progress and you're going to get left behind. If it feels like you're progressing it's only becasue of the aquisition of some new skill or knowledge or meaningless validation. But you're still lost and alone. And broken.

I hate feeling broken. I hate it so much. I know it's on me to fix it though. And that's hard because I just don't know how. And then I feel more broken. Because love and britain are not going to fix me. They're all I think I want and they're not going to make an ounce of difference in the end. Not matter how good everything fucking feels I'm still, somewhere inside, going to feel like this. It alone is enough to make me not want to do anything ever again.

Resurfacing

I think I'm going to start writing here again. I've just been feeling like I need it recently.

Since I last wrote some things have really changed.

1. I moved again. I now live by myself and it's nice.

2. I love school and am going to take another course next summer.

3. I'm insanely insecure about everything.

4. I'm not drinking at all. I want to though and that makes me uncomfortable.

5. I want to go out and meet people but I feel paralyzed.

6. A new "Cast of Characters" needs to be made. A version 2 or something.

I'm going to leave it there for now. I have several things I need to work out and will likely be posting fairly often. I just don't feel like myself in some ways. But it's more than that. I don't trust anything. My friendships, my skills, my instincts. nothing.

betrayal

I wrote on paper yesterday. I end up crying more that way. I just can't quite write down here what I need to be writing down. I'm remebering too many of my dreams and I'm a definate down swing mood wise today. My makeup looks awesome though. I guess this means I'm taking a break from here and making a paper journal. I also wish I'd stop having dreams.

Abbreviated

1. I was going to go into work today but after a night of stressful dreams it's not happening. I have a little bit of work I can do from home though and I'll be going in tomorrow for sure.

2. I got a new tattoo on Tuesday and it's awesome.

3. I'm doing fine and just not feeling like posting. Things are going well though.

4. I'm very excited about school.

5. We're having our housewarming this weekend.

6. I have crafts to work on today.

7. Our last bit of unpacking was done yesterday.

8. The Knitter is a weekly presence in my life now.

Tears

I'm stressed and upset. I want to bury myself in fiction and run away from everything. I want to write long soul-bearing letters to strangers. I don't feel in control of things and it's that whole two steps back shit again.

Sleep

I'm stressed about going to councelling with my mom on Friday. It's going to be emotional and tiring.

I'm supposed to go to work today but I have a zit and it makes me not want to leave the house. I never used to be that kind of girl. It's still early though and I could go later.

I just don't feel that good today I guess and I want to stay sleeping but I won't. I've already showered and will at least sit in the yard for a while. I need a new book. I am back to reaqding and I like it.

Fucked up

Today I was doing Titanias make-up before she went to school and she mentioned that she went to the library with the Knitter today. I immediately felt jealous and just as quickly felt bad and then realized I'm being silly and insecure. I don't know what's wrong with me but it makes me feel bad.

I feel like my connections to people are somehow less then those other people make. Like I'm not as capable to make a really deep bond. And that makes me want to cry becasue these days it's that intimacy that's all I want. Why do I feel this why? Why do I feel apart? What am I doing to keep myself distanced?

Times like this I wish I was still in therapy. I feel kind of alone and empty even though I'm not. I have a need that's not being met but I don't know how to get it met.

I've obviously connected to both Starting Over and Dr. Phil a little too much today.

Otherwise the weather is out, I got lots done today and I felt great.

Normalcy

Titania and I are going to go for coffee for a little while this morning. I haven't decided if I'm going to read a book The Knitter gave me or if I'm going to do work for HK Inc. Money has gotten mostly sorted out so that's good. I'll be broke by the end of the month but it's alright.

Last night the knitter came over and had dinner and played crib with Chatton and I. Tons of sexual energy and more getting to know each other talk. He told us his coming out story and I shared a story I've never told anyone before about my first experience with explicit sexuality. It's been awsome overall. We're all kind of shocked at how quickly we've become so close but it's been so fun.

This week has gone by really slowly but has been good. Ringlettes being back is good even though she's been really sick. She's left now and starting to move into the place where she'll be staying for the summer.

Last night we were sitting on Chattons bed and I said I wanted a boyfriend. Like really and truly. Chatton said she didn't and the Knitter said he needs some time alone. It was weird to not be the one wanting to be alone. Moreover I'm not sure how to go about finding a boyfriend. I know it's all about just meeting new people but it feels much more complicated than that.

Titania is ready to go now so my last thing will be that my ability to have a really good orgasm has reappeared and it makes me happy. 6 times yesterday in two sessions. One insecurity about being in a relationship is fading. hmm. not sure if I'm happy about that or nervous.

same old

1. I feel like I'm neglecting the blog.

2. I'm on bad terms with my mom and it's very stressful.

3. I'm having severe money issues.

4. I start school on May 28th now.

5. Ringlettes is home and it's good.

6. New friend (lil boat) gets along with existing friends.

7. We love the Knitter.

8. I might have to put my tattoo on hold.

9. I can't articulate much more than that.

Saturday

My make-up from last night is still on. Mostly it's just the nutty amount of black liner I used. It's very nice out today though bright, sunny, and possibly even quite warm. I have very little in way of plans for today. Some stuff for work, some crafty things. Nothing major.

Chatton is sick and got sent home frmom work this morning. Titani is stressed and upset but in no modd to talk about it, which would probably help her feel better. I am doing well. I don't have too much to say these days but I guess that's been kind of obvious. I just want ot get back on my feet financially, which will happen in the next few weeks. I've been thinking about dating and relationships. Nothing too specific and not about a specific person. I don't really know but it's been on my mind. I'm very excited about school. oh, and I have another really good wank session last night. Makes me happy and feeling kind of normal.

Obsession

1. orgasm came very fast and was good. yay!

2. I've been jealous lately. I know this means I'm being insecure. I'm not sure how to deal with it.

3. I created an online personals account. I'm expecting nothing.

4. I wish I looked better in pictures.

5. I have a tattoo appointment for next month.

6. I'm excited to have my finances back in shape next month.

positive changes

Usually my sex drive is non exsistant right after my period but this does not seem to be the case this month. It's in the middle of the evening but I am taking a wanking break before going back to doing work. If I can have an orgasm I will be a happy girl.

Nothing else really. I guess I'm just excited by my interest in sex as it's been quite low lately.

On my mind

1. The Knitter is awesome.

2. I need some loving touch.

3. I want a boyfriend.

4. I'm unsure if I'll ever have a boyfriend again.

5. I am excited about make-up.

6. I feel unsure of myself.

7. I am glad I have councelling tomorrow.

8. I am scared that this is meant to be my last appointment.

9. I am feeling distanced and needy.

10. I feel like talking and bonding.

My Day

8:30: Woke up. Had a bath. Got dressed.

9:30: Went for breakfast with Chatton.

10:30: Did work for HK Inc. at Cafe.

11:00: Met Titania at Cafe.

11:30: Bought some groceries.

12:00: Crocehted and Watched TV.

1:00: Worked on Introduction letter for School and spoke with the Knitter.

2:00: Sat outside in the sun and crocheted.

3:00: Watch TV and Crochet.

5:00: More work for HK Inc.

7:00: Dinner at home wtih Titania.

Who knows what else after that until I go to bed. Tomorrow I'm going to do about an hours of work at HK Inc. and then Chatton, Titania, The Knitter and I will be heading out to Richmond to go to Daiso. Wednesday is another full day including paying the rest of my school deposit, a trip to dressew, buying magazines, councelling and a craft meet. Then work for the rest of the week.

My mood has evened out significantly since last week. The house is much more settled, my ankle is feeling alright and I'm excited about school. I also know I'll be all caught up finiancially in about 3 weeks at the most and that's a nice feeling.

Dinna Parta

The Knitter came over tonight and we cooked and drank wine and made paper moustaches. So much fun. More tomorrow maybe. I haven't been much in the mood to talk. uh, write.

Sunny

I should clarify that the pervious title wasn't "Bitch" as in "Chatton is one" but rather "I need to...".

I know that it's partly me that keeps me single but it's just emphasised when other people get coupled. It's not me becasue I don't think I'm good enough but that I have issues and they keep me distanced from people for many reasons. And it's not that Chatton is suddenly coupled again. She's still single and just kind of seeing Grey - the first week/make-out session is always the most exciting and now it's over. I was just frustrated by someone else being over so much when I couldn't do anything other than be here and sit. But Chatton has spent much time keeping me company since Sunday and I've relaxed. Not that I didn't have a reason to be irritated but I shouldn't have let it get to me like I did. For my sake. I need to keep things calm to keep my sanity.

I'm feeling like I have to defend myself some how. Just the injury, suddenly move, knitter being gay, registering for school, cutting my hair, has all happened in about two weeks and it's a lot of stuff. Lots of good stuff but that's stress too and stress is not something I deal with well. I'm emotional and it's always hightened because it's loaded with so much sadness about so many things. One more thing like feeling lonely just makes it that much bigger when that alone isn't really the issue.

And I do want to have someone. I want the hand holding and the flirting. I'm happy without it, but I'm sometimes ready for it all and it's frustrating at those times when I can't figure uot how it's all going to happen. But enough for now.

The Knitter sent us the best and sweetest postcards and I'm so happy to make him our friend it's not even funny. He needs some confidence to see how super cool he is and some sense of fun infused into him more. Maybe I'm trying to turn his dorkiness into craziness but it's really way more fun that way. Plus, I do think he has it all in him.

I must go do the next step of dinner. Then back to crafting. Today has been good and tomorrow I go to work and feel stressed for a few hours. Last time for the week though.

Bitch

I feel left out and alone. It's not like I want to sit at home all day watching TV and crafting. Seriously. I just feel super ignored and not good. With Titania away this week I'm sensing I'll just keep feeling that way as long as Chatton is spending every free moment with Grey and much of it is here.

I also feel like I'm blaming myself for feeling bad becasue shouldn't I just be happy for her and maybe I'm just bitter and jealous. I kind of want to go to bed and cry. I really feel that alone.

Restless

Titania is at work. Miranda is coming over for dinner tomorrow night. Chatton is in her room working on school stuff with the new boy (Grey). Her mom is going to bring us dinner later on but I'm hungry. I was working on crafting but did that most of yesterday evening and need a break from it. The Bookstore boy send me a darling email that just made me smile and feel all cared for.

I guess I just want to do something but all my craft stuff is still packed and I just don't have the energy to unpack stuff. I already did dishes today and that took a lot of energy and was really stressful for my leg that I was able to lean on. I'm not sure where my crossword puzzle book is either. I'm kind of glad I'll be at work tomorrow just because I'll not be in my house. Plus it's kind of cold and rainy today so even sitting outside isn't an option.

I feel a little defective because it's been so quick for Chatton to find a boy but I'm starting to feel a bit more settled about it. I do dislike that we've just moved in and she's spending all her time elsewhere but that's emphasised by me always being at home because of my ankle and both Chatton and Titania being really busy. I'll get over it.

Picture 1

Here's what my ankle looks like as of this morning. It's super gross. Pictures of my hair will follow next time it's pretty.

Crap

I just had a bath and it sucked. I feel like it still have soap on me but there wasn't much I could do about it. This morning my foot hurts a lot and the bruising is coming through. So far it's lightly along the top of my foot, an area that wasn't swollen until this morning, and about 3 inches up my leg from my ankle. It's gross.

Chatton came home last night and brought me flowers. I'm not sure if I should talk to her about why I feel so emotionally down. I mean it's not her fault or anything she can change. We'll see.

Today Titania and my mom are going to be finishing emptying the old house. I am going with them but who knows how helpful I'll be able to be. I haven't been using my crutches around the house but I should be and when I do it means I've got no spare hands.

Groan

1. My ankle is swollen and sore.

2. I'm feeling miserable.

3. I'm jealous that Chatton has found a boy.

4. I am happy I registered for school.

5. I am withdrawing from my distance courses at UBC.

6. I do like my short hair.

7. I feel lonely.

Wee!

I cut my hair. Alot. It now grazes my shoulders. It's a "long british shag". I love that it's got a dirty name.

Last sleep

Tonight is my last night sleeping here. I am on the third night of sleeping on the couch. Tomorrow I will be sleeping in our new house on my childhood bed. Sleep will be full of exhaustion and I will be full of celebratory wine. I am excited. Only a very small amount of stuff is left to pack. Oh, except the kitchen - there's still the whole kitchen to do but we needed to get more boxes which we now have. We also have to throw all the towels in a bag once they are out of the laundry. Also, only half of the stuff (furniture, clothes) will be moved tomorrow. The rest will be getting done during the week once they have places to go.

Also, my last sleep (yesterday) was full of dreams including a wonderful orgasm. The second one I've dreamed about that better than most of my real life ones, but just as vivid and fulfilling. Chatton thinks that is my subconscious telling me I need to get laid. I think it is partly that and partly because an orgasm that fulfilling just isn't happening right now in my real life like it has before.

Ona barely related note Chatton has made friends with a guy who frequents her work and she thinks we'd get along really well. He is coming to ours on Tuesday to pose from Chattons drawing assignment and then we're going to a party at his on Saturday. I am not getting my hopes up. Even though he is a mac user and is ok with sexual references.

Must get back to packing though. Don't expect my next post to be until Tuesday when the new flat has the internet hooked up.

The joys of packing

Well finally today it feels like real progress had been made. I'm getting a bit stressed about whether there'll be room for all my stuff but I am getting rid of alot and know that is good for me. I know that the apartment is as big as we need and that getting rid of things is good. I am excited to kind of start new, or at least fresher.

Tomorrow is super busy though. Early morning to get more boxes and coffee. Then we come back to pack the kitchen and craft stuff (both huge tasks). I've also got to go rent a dollie to help move the furniture and pick up the keys at some point. Well we might not get the keys until Sunday morning but I'm waiting to hear from the landlords for sure.

I'm looking at design school again. I did one one point when I was in highschool but I kind of dropped it. I'm not sure if it's something I'm passionate about to actually be worth the cost though. We'll see. I might take a related course that would be my weakest point over the summer and see how that feels.

I'm a bit stressed out over money but by the end of the month things should be much more settled. Only one flat to pay rent on and I'll be working for my higher pay and more hours.

Not too much more to report really. I'm lying low and just focusing on moving. Once the stuff is moved there's still a bunch to do here like paint and clean so it's going to be a busy few weeks.

Ending?

I have officially started to pack. I have a box half full of my stuff and nearly too heavy to pick-up. How do you pack when most of your stuff is heavy but doesn't take up much space? I think I need smaller boxes. I also have way more garbage and recycling than stuff packed but that's ok.

I saw the knitter today and he is cute. More so now that I know he's young and gay. Is that wrong of me? I like Wednesdays becasue I always chat with him and the girl I volunteer with and it's awesome to have new friends that you know are going to be people you actually hang out with.

My dinner is ready though so I should eat and get back to packing.

Almost sleep time

Today has been exhausting. After my thing with my mom yesterday she called today asking if I was alright and I just kind of lost it. I ended up in bed until nearly 12:30 just crying and stuff. It really takes a lot of energy out of me. I think she's going to try to be a bit less critical of me and treat me with a bit more sensitivity. I know most of it is out of concern but the way she communicates it to me is not good for me. I hope it'll settle down and moving on Sunday will stay calm.

Other than that I did very little. Titania and I bought a few groceries and tried coffee at a new place. I also went to IKEA and picked up a few small things. I haven't packed nearly as much as I should have by now. I also haven't been into work once this week and I need the money so I must go in. I'm thinking of cancelling my interview with American Airlines. I'm happy staying at HK inc. I think and I'd rather not work two jobs at once right now.

On another note I think that the next time I find a guy interesting I will just ask him out for coffee/drinks. No extended flirting. No waiting. No wondering. Who knows if I'll go through with it though. Chatton is also going to take the same approach. She doesn't actually want a relationship though and I do. Eventually at least.

Things have been a bit heightened for me that last few days and I really just want them to calm down but I don't forsee it happening until the middle of April. ugh.

Stress

It's amazing how a conversation with my mother can make me feel like shit. I just called Chatton and she is coming to get me. Everything just feels so hard sometimes.

Edit at 11:20: I just can't handle all the criticism and negativity. It makes me cry and feel broken. It makes me not want to talk to her or involve her and that makes me distressed and sad. It makes me want to hide and throw things in the garbage. Tomorrow will be in 3 parts: loading things to the garbage, work and packing.

At least I have therapy on Thursday. Have I already mentioned that?

Better

I am feeling much better this morning. Chatton and I went and did all the damage deposite and stuff and the couple who owns the house is lovely. I also went downtown with her to her work and went into see the Knitter. We're still going to totally be friends and that is good. As chatton pointed out in a few months I'll confess I totally liked him while drunk and it'll be funny.

I've got to go back to sorting and packing. In six days I will be sleeping in the new house. yay!

Defeated

Half way through the craft meet the following sentence comes out of the Knitters mouth: "In septemeber I ended a really bad relationship with my boyfriend and moved suddenly." So that's the end of that. I think he'll become a friend though because we do get along well.

I just feel like rubbish though. It's like all these good things I was doing mean nothing and I'm still where I was and I suck. I feel like an idiot and all that other stuff.

I thought I was going to come here and bitch but I can't. I feel bad and I feel some sort of pain that extends so far beyond this and it just feels bad and deep and empty. I'm kind of crying which I know has nothing to actually do with the knitter but I feel stupid all the same. Cryings hard for me now. Crying isn't just an emotional release for me anymore. It's serious sadness - sadness that physically hurts even if it has nothing to do with my dad and england. It just brings it all forward and I feel broken. I couldn't even care about The Knitter right now.

I just rubbed my eyes and now have black all over them from the stunning eye make-up a guy at MAC did for me today. I'm sure it's all over my cheeks too.

I'll probably give more substance tomorrow and not feel as bad. At least I have councelling on thursday.

Added at 11:16:
I'm a bit more sorted now. I guess I just have so much going on emotionally it just gets all caught up. I wasn't upset until I got alone while walking home. I'm still going to go into his work and chat and all that stuff. He'll still get the occasional party invite and all that stuff. I'm jut feeling a bit frustrated by it is all. In time I will find a new guy I am interested in and be just as flirty and such with him. And I will take the confidence I deveolped somehow over the last few weeks to make dealing with that guy easier.

Tomorrow is a new day and I have tons to do in the next two weeks with the move and such. I guess I just feel full of baggage and have an assumption that no one will want to deal with that. Plus I'm weird and not gorgeous and that all adds up to a lot of concessions on another persons part. I know that's negative but it's something present for me and times like this just make it feel more of a focus of who I am.

moving!

We just found out we can have the flat we saw yesterday. We are very excited as it means we'll be moving in one short week! It'll cost us more becasue we'll be paying rent for two places for much of the month but the benefits will totally pay off.

And I'm seeing the Knitter today. Everyone already knows that but whatever!

the happy sigh

He emailed!!! But he is not coming tonight. Sunday though. I am excited though because I emailed him back saying that there was an art show an other month and that I just want to have a conversation when he's not at work.

Another upside is that he mentioned he's not currently working on a project so is just going to be doing a quick and easy thing. As Chatton was wonderful enough to point out this means he's not just coming to work on the project but to see me. Wee!

Wasting time

Well I wasn't really expecting the Knitter to come to the art show tonight. I was hoping but now I am no longer doing that. I'm still excited to see him out of his work tomorrow, but gone are the daydreams of excitement and progress tonight.

I'm really just bored. I have someone coming to see my flat at one and until then I'm just sitting around. I've already had some breakfast and cleaned up a bunch. I even did some sorting. After that I am going to go meet Chatton at work. I'm going to go early though so I can have a scone and a coffee. I might take a crochet project up with me too to work on.

ok, I obviously had nothing of substance to say. I just wanted to waste some time.

Punk Rock

The concert tonight was good but we left after the band we knew played. Chatton has to work at 7:00 am and I'm just tired. I just had a shower and feel all cozy in my new bathrobe.

I've thought a lot about the Knitter (I had a missed call from an unrecognized number and they didn't leave a message!) and that I really want to get to know him. I also articulated why I wanted him to come to the art show so much when I know I will see him on Sunday; basically if he comes to the show I know he wants to hang out with me but the craft group could just be becasue he wants to hang out with people and craft. Plus, no one-on-one talking will occur at the group.

I also received a call from American Airlines today about an application I sent in about two weeks ago before I accepted the position at HK Inc. I'm still going for the interview and won't decide anything until I'm offered the job. I could do both or turn it down. I'm excited about it though and already have half of my outfit sorted.

I also decided that next week I am going to buy a new book to read that is not self-help. I'm thinking a play maybe. Not sure yet but I'm sure The Knitter will help me out.

In need of distraction

I kind of lost it last night. I have relaxed again and I hope not to relapse. I think the combination of excitement and major sexual frustration was just overwhelming. Today I went to work as planned and got more than I expected done. I feel like just in the last few weeks I've made huge progress which is great.

Now I have about 4 hours to keep myself distracted before meeting up with Chatton for dinner and the concert. I'm going to go to my moms and looks at the classifieds for apartments but otherwise there are no plans. Tomrrow we are seeing an apartment that I am a bit excited about. Price and location both seem really good.

About the knitter though, every new email gets me excited as does the phone ringing. I still don't expect him to come with us tomorrow night.

Gushing

I had a good day today. Breakfast with Chatton and Titania went longer than expected so I decided I'd go to work tomorrow instead of today. Then we headed downtown for some light but needed shopping. I ended up with a bath robe and a tank top. Of course we found a reason to see the Knitter at work. We also talked to his co-worker who we really like and is from England. We want to make her our friend.

Anyways, more talking plus glances and smiles as she was helping us rather than him. He met Titania and we talked about the sad state of his shoes. He assured us all he needed was duct tape but we all disagreed completely and said he needed new shoes. He failed Titanias "shoe test for boys". However, he passed my "drinking test for everyone" stating Gin and tonics as his drink of choice.

Chatton is in agreement with me about him seeming to want to know me better. He knews the details about the art show on Saturday but no word on if he is going to come yet. He is definately coming to the craft group though. I am excited but I think I will be more excited if he decides to come to the art show. More out of his comfort zone and more potential for talking alone.

Chatton and I went to her work tonight and talked to her only male co-worker about if boys can tell whhen someone likes them based on certain behaviour. His basic answer was that at least he couldn't and that actions spoke way louder than words. I understand for sure but I think things are progressing decently for now. I don't want to push things too much, especially when he seems kind of shy and quiet. But I also think I have to be a bit more forward if he starts hanging out with us a bit and I start to know him better and want to for sure take it that way.

But you know right now I'm good. I am relaxed around him. He's seen me dressed up all professionally and also in my yoga pants and hair tied back. He does really need new shoes. It's not that his are particularly awful style wise (but there is room for improvement if he wanted to go that direction) they just have holes in them. big ones. silly boys.

But right now I like boys. This one is causing me little angnst now and just excitement. It's good.

Edit at 11:42: I'm trying to sleep but I can't. I know it's still early but I want to sleep well so I'm motivated to go to work tomorrow. Instead all I can do is think about the Knitter and sex. Not sex with him yet really. Well kind of but not entirely. With him I just want to know if he is interested and to know that he knows I am too. That's the next step and I want to be there. I really do want him to come on Saturday. I'm trying not to think he will but I'd really like him too.

It's driving me mad and I want to have an orgasm and drift off to a pleasant sleep but it's impossible. I just stay at this level of heightened excitement that never fully disappears. Like I am super aroused but never going to hit that end point and there comes a point where it's just frustrating to keep trying. I just want to cum and that used to be so fun and easy.

And it all gets tied to the knitter. I can work on the shoes later. I just want to know. I just want to have him do something to let me know. Or make me feel a little more secure in trying more. I was calm earlier but now I'm crazy. I know it's all physical and sex right now but I just want it. It's not like I want him to be my boyfriend, I just want to know if he wants to hang out with me once in a while with the potential for making out. To see if we actually get along and have fun together.

Today Chatton and I mentioned that we had made soap and he asked "With what kind of fat?" I explained I was doing the lazy Melt/Pour way and not cold/hot process but that fact he knew how to make soap from scratch made me want to grab him. It was hot. And I was thinking about what he's going to be working on at the craft group but just when I thought about sitting with him knitting I was done. That was enough.

Maybe I'm just getting so tired of my complete lack of boys and with my current ability to do new things I just feel...something. I don't know. All of this is going nowhere. But then somehow it is actually going somewhere. We are seeing each other on Sunday. We have things in common. He might come to the art show. He might come to a party one day. He has thought about us becoming better friends. He likes to talk to me. He wants to come to Daiso with us. He owns lots of books. He lives downtown which is sexy. He doesn't need to always be in a relationship.

But nothing can be done tonight. Nothing can be done for sure until Sunday. That is unless he calls me and comes to the art show. Then I can drink and touch him and be weird. In a good way. An he can be weird too and hoepfully it'll all be fun. And then he'll touch me back and it'll be cute and Chatton will giggle at me because she's never seen me like that with a boy I actually like and isn't just a friend.

I sound crazy right now. I am going to go back to my bed where my vibe is and try to get some bloody rest. I need to not think about this until something actually moves forward. I feel the need to scream or something but it would wake Titania up.