Falling Asleep

I can't do it. I have been lying in bed for almost three hours. I read for much of the first two but the last one was just be lying in the dark. Tosing and turning. Mind racing. I'm not in good shape right now I don't think. I'm sad and lonely and not emotionally settled. But everything should feel fairly good. A clean and cozy home, going back to work, financially secure, plans with friends. It doesn't though.

Fake conversations with a local muscian I casually know and will be seeing three times this week. With the artist about rndomness and him trying to set me up with one of his bandmates (none of whom I actully know). With an unknown person also in my bed. With my neice. With my boss. With one of my favorite clients from work. about uni and not getting into the classes I want because my registration isn't paid but my date is on Monday.

Playing back moments from the day of my Dad's service. My going away evening with work. A christening. conversations with Politics Boy. Also thinking about what to wear tomorrow even though it depends entirely on the weather. Trying to remember what I wore to that christening. Petting the cat when every she runs around the edge of my bed. Wondering why my Miranda said she loves setting people up and has done so with many of our other friends and not me.

Part of me wants a huge hug and just to cry and cry because of so many things.

Part of me wants to watch a film and eat popcorn with all the candles in the living room lit.

Part of me wants to wank myself to sleep but if Titania comes in I'll feel like a loser because she has an actual boy.

Part of me wants to buy a flight to England even though it's all becasue I want to escape.

All this sounds like depression even though they screened me at the doctor (my history and a family death warrants it) and I was fine. I was asked the standard question of if I was still enjoying the things I like to do. I said yes becasue I did go shopping and had fun and we've been watching films. But at this moment it occirs to me I turned down dancing. Normal for myself here but not normal for England. And it's not like I'm a different person I just interact with the world differently. And it is understandable that I'm not in the mood for dancing right now in a way. But as stupid as it may seem me wanting to dance seems really fundamental in so many ways.

But I'll admit to being judgemental. Judgemental about the places to dance here aren't going to be fun. They won't play the cure or razorlight or the libertines. And I'm judgemental about Titanias friends and her boy in a picky way because I don't actually know any of them but disagree with small things.

But I don't know what to do about anything. Is this the behaviour of a 23 year old? This is me at 16. Except I had a boyfriend then. And no bills to pay. And a father. I know my world isn't bad. I know that I'm actually doing really well right now in general terms. None of that makes me feel better. It makes me want to sleep and forget about the world but I can't. It makes me want to take a sedative but I shouldn't.

ok. I just let the cat out. I hate letting her out at night but I'm pretty sure she needs her litter box and it's outside because we want her to be going outside. I do feel a bit calmer now but no more tired. Actually I just yawned so maybe coming here and getting stuff out was as usful as I hoped it would be. I want to get early tomorrow and make french toast. OK, I'm going to go eat a cookie, pop a CD in and try to sleep. If I still can't sleep I will read in bed until I am asleep. I also must get the cat back inside.