Frustration

I went to work for a few hours yesterday. It was good but I won't be getting paid until I work off my advance and it was just a bit exhausting and overwhelming. Everytime someone asks how I am say fine but I think about how I actually am and it's not that great. I'm just tired and sad. I was planning on going in again today but I just didn't want to. It was hard to wake up and I spent most of the day half awake and in my pyjamas.

I'm having some ideological differences with my mother regarding handling of the insurance money and it's just the last thing I want to be worried about. She also thinks I should be working more than I want to but she's just so hung up on money and has little understanding of me mentally right now, or my academic plans. I just wish it wasn't a concern.

Yesterday I got a meme (those email forwards of questions) from classclown. I will send it back and have half of it completed. It seems that he has made a great amount of commitment to the girl which is great. He seems quite happy which is really the most important thing. I do feel a bit silly though about some of my thoughts but they were mostly after I found out my dad was sick and were started by friends so they are excusable. I never would have actually persued him anyways.

But along with that stuff I feel lonely right now. On Sunday there was this big festival in my neighbourhood. I got to see for the fifth or so time one of my favorite musicians and she played a song we played during my father service and that made me glad. I was supposed to go see a small set by the local artist mentioned in my last post, we'll call him Blues, but I got caught up and missed it. I saw him later while I was walking home with Titania and I said hello but I was so worried he didn't remember me but he totally did and welcomed me home. We'll be going to his CD opening on Friday night.

Something strane did happen that day though. My sister and nephew had left and the festival was kind of ending. I was sitting in the park, where there were still tons of kids playing and people milling about, and waiting for Titania to finish work. Beside me sits down a guy that looks and sounds nearly identical to Confusing Relationship Boy. I did a double taake and was confused becasue he said something to me about his kid in the playground and not at all like he knew me. I kept all my responses really short because I knew it wasn't him but then I kept wondering if maybe it was and in the three years since I last saw him he had a kid and was now pretending like he didn't know me as an attempt to start all over again. He tried to make conversation but I couldn't make eye contact and kept only giving nods and single words so a conversation was impossible.

I kind of feel like nothing means anything. I just want to feel connected to something or someone and I don't. Friends, job, school. Everything feels far away and small. Everything is good but it feels small. Not wrong or bad but not quite enough of something. My popcorn is ready so I'm going to go watch some stupid tv for a bit and not think about my world. I just want to feel happy and expectant and inspired. I know I can feel that way too.