Pie

Titania: How about a piece of pie?
Me: I think pie is part of my problem.

The confusin of pie as dessert and pie as pussy has been floating into almost every conversation today and it has been funny. I've been wandering aimless around the flat looking for something to eat but I know my indecision has nothing to do with food. My hair is damp from rinsing out the dye. It's not as bright as I was hoping but still really nice.

I told Chatton and Titania about my revelation to and discovery about Midge. I felt like I needed to tell someone even though I wasn;t expecting to have anything said back. I think the fact taht it's gone fromfantasy to possibilty I'm confused about what I want. It's not liek I need a commitment that somethign wil happen, but I do need to decide if somethign happening is ok with me. That I do not know. My body and my head are in conflict.

But then we were downtown today and I wanted to stop at virgin. Now until today I thought I was done thinking about C because of the fact he and Miranda were casually hooking up for a short period of time about 3 years ago. But my desire to go to virgin to see if he was working still happened. We looked for Claire upstairs and when we couldn't see her we went downstairs. This is where he and the other girl work. I spotted him and asked him if the other two were working and said hi. Titania and Chatton came over and we chatted a tiny bit and then he offered to check the scedule to be sure neither was there.

Somewhere along the line today I realized I was confused about both these people but that my feelings about each were mixed up with each other. In a way I know what I want but I'm not sure how to go about it. I do miss talking to Midge as much as we used to but she's super busy socially (yay!) and the timing doesn't work as much anymore. I miss flirting with classclown and guys at bars. I don't really have replacements for either.

I want affection and attention and playfulness. I want it from a guy who likes me. I don't know if I want it from C or if he's just prsent and that's enough. That sounds a bit like desparation but I don't think it's that at all. It's like I don't know what beign wanted looks like anymore. I can't see it because I don't know what it looks like. And what if I did decide I wanted to get to know C better? I'd have no idea how to do it other than visit virgin a lot and hope he shows up at parrties where I'll be drunk and forward yet distanced.

Chatton said that it seemed I'm unwilling to put myself out there and in a way I am. But I want the result that action would give so I've got to do it. I've always said I'm not afraid of rejection but I think that's a lie. I think that all this time I feel like I've been rejected but tons of people. Not directly but nothing ever happened and no one ever tried (even when I kind of did) so it's added up. Now I feel a bit stuck and paralyzed about it all.

Have I said this all before? Maybe the new part is that I know I have to do something and I'm so close to wanting to do it but now I'm not sure what that thing is. How do you know someone else is interested in getting to know you better? Should it be obvious? should you just wait for them to say something? If I didn't have friends I'd think it was me but I truly don't think that.

But it does occur to me that I'm just not his type but I don't know who's type I am. LIke I said already he might just be my focus becasue he's there rather than anything about his actual self. He's got three things about him I don't get and only one I do get that I know of.

BUt I don't know what to do. Any maybe that's where I end up thinking about Midge. Is it a good idea because we do like each other and I know it's not us using each other or not respecting or whatever. But then maybe it's bad becasue she's just a source of the gratification I can't figure out how to get elsewhere. Or maybe, despite my continued belief that I'm not interested in an emotional relationship with a woman and would only consider a sexually based one, I'm worried that something will go bad and it'll fuck a friendship up.

I want to sleep but there'll be more sex dreams and nothing about my real life will be sorted. I'm not sure If I need to make things happen to get what I want or if what should happen will naturally happen at the right time. I also don't know if what I want is general (attention and affection) or specific (C). All I really am sure of is that I want someone. I want someone who would be lying behind me and playing with my hair while encouraging me to get off the computer and have some slow sleepy sex and reminding me of the mornings plans for pancakes.