Appropriate Reaction

My flight went well and after I saw my om and sister and complained about how dirty and tired and ill I felt after not sleepin in nearly 30 hours and still wearing the same clothes it happened. My mom told me something I possibly suspected: My father had died that afternoon.

I'm doing well considering the emotions from that, leaving England without says goodbye to anyone expect Lily and arriving home. I think some people seem to be worried I'm underreating and a bit too stable for everything but I have my reasons. I have talked them out with a few different friends (Midge, Titania and Chatton) and they all think that I'm ok so far.

I haven't decided yet whether I am going to talk about it much, or even more than just this, here. I could use the space to openly vent and get some stuff out but I guess it's still really new and extremely surreal. Plus it's feels a litle distant from my original subject matter intended here. But, again, so does a lot, which really means this is just for everything and who cares about my original intentions.

Actually I likely will write about it here, now that I have done this post. Another day though. I am going to go watch the American Idol season finale and read transcripts until I am alseep. CSI episodes are downloading and my internet is so much faster here.

Tomorrow at 9:30 my wonderful and amazing sister is picking me up to go make arrangements at the crematorium. I might brush my hair and wear make-up for the first time since Sunday. Oh, and please don't feel obligated to comment or send "condolences" or apologize (which really make very little sense unless you are a disease). Maybe just tell me you're reading. In a way that would make me feel warm and fuzzy in a way other things can not.

Last minute

My mom called around midnight and my dad is getting worse. Lily and Scotsman came over to help me pack becasue I booked a flight for today. I leave i n two hours for Gatwick and will be in Vancouver by 9:00 pm on Monday (Today). Lily is still here and is coming to the airport with me.

So far we have snacked, walked around town at 5:00 am and now we have coloured my hair. We have not slept. I sent an email to all myfriends, Brit and Canadian, letting them know what was going on. I haven't been able to say goodbye to anyone other than scotsman but Lily sent a bunch of people texts to meet us at the bus station. We'll see if anone shows. It's early in the morning and it's a holiday.

My next post will be from Vancouver and I'm sure I'll have tons to say. either that or I'll be really ovewhelmed and not know what to say. Or a combination of both I guess. That might be the most likely option.

Insecurities

I'm having a crap few hours. here's what I just wrote to Lily:

I'm up and down. having issues packing...I keep looking at everything and just feel overwhelmed...I think I'm just feeling overwhelmed in general... I've got a to-do list but it's lots of smaller things and some are optional. and packing. And I want to see everyone before I go but I'm just not really good company and it kind of sucks.

I think the overwhelmed feeling is making me feel bad and I've spent a bunch of time alone the last two days. I'm having a feeling I get when I'm depressed that's a feelling that is very distant. Kind of outside of myself and not really connected to the world. I just want everything to be packed and to not need to worry about baggage limits and customs.

I have got a lot done. Well things are all sorted and on the floor by nothings actually in the suitcases. All my banking/important stuff is taken care of. I do have to book my train ticket to Manchester but I have to switch trains there in 10 minutes and I'm converned I'll miss the train so I want to go buy the ticket in person to see what happens if I miss the train to the airport.

I'm going to try to pack a bit or do some more sorting. I just ate a lot of ice cream and I feel like shit in so many ways.

Possesions

I was in the shower this monring and realized I haven't wanked in almost a week. I know it would make me relax but my head is so busy that I just can't get relaxed enough. Plus, I'm at a low point in my "wanting sex" cycle so my body doesn't really care. That said, if I had someone around, I'm sure I'd be very easily encouraged/stimulated and my mind wanting it would override my body in a very quick second.

I went into town this morning and after some initial problems with finding the recent issue of Scarlet (see the links in side bar), getting money out of my canadian account and not finding the knickers in the size, style or colour I wanted, things setteled a bit.

So leaving M&S I ended up with two new bras and 6 chocolate bars. One for the plane and the rest for home. I might eat like half of one every week just to make then last a bit. I also got some things I needed to keep stuff from being damaged in my suitcases and a new suitcase to hold all the stuff I've acquired. As for the pictures of the bras I'm taking the pics from the M&S website. First, theose womean and much more photogenic than me and bra's that are my size do not photograph well because there's a lot of fabric and without breasts it doesn't hold any shape.

I think I'm going to try to be packed by tomorrow night except for a small amount of things that I'll need until I leave which will all fit in one part of one bag. Otherwise I'm working on eating all the food I've got. I'll leave some things but all the good stuff (veggies, pasta, icecream, veggie dogs, strawberries) I actually want to eat.

This bra is actually white with purple stripes and trim and small pink flowers:


This photo is in black and white but the bra is black mesh with pink ribbon:

5 more days

Well I have started to sort things for packing, I have a formal list of things to do with varying levels of importance, I have thrown a lot of stuff away and have a big pile of things Lily can adopt. I'm going to go into town tomorrow and hope M&S and Wilkinsons are both open even though it's Sunday and a bank holidat weekend.

I'm feeling ok but want to go out and do things with people in the next few days. I did go for Lunch today with Victoria and a few others which was good but I am still feeling a bit alone. I know Lily and I are shopping and packing and stuff on Tuesday but I have a few more people I'd like to see than just her. I'm thinking of doing a wagamamas dinner on Wednesday maybe followed by drinks at the fav place. Something small but happy.

I've had several fake conversations with classclown today and just kind of feeling like another chance passed me by. Although, that's assuming he was interested. I mean being sweet and being interested are differnt things. But then. none of it matters as I will not see him again. We'll probably chat once I'm home but this as the result is very anti-climatic. Well I really wasn't expecting anything other than that, but some hopw was lingering.

I'm going to go back to reading transcripts as a means of exhausting myself. I'm not wanting to keep taking sleeping pills so I'm just staying up until I can't anymore and then waking up around 9:00. That way I am getting sleep but am tired so that it's easier to get to sleep. Not a great system but it'll do for now.

One thing that's got me a bit worried tonight is that I have started making a list of everything I have bought here that's not a gift because I need to declare them at customs when entering Canada. I have a max of $750.00 canadian that they will not charge me duty on. SO far I've listed everything but clothes, purses and a few odds and ends but my total is already over $1000.00. I'm sure the final numbers will be closer to 750.00 pounds! So the challenge is to decide what I can not declare so I don't have to pay extra taxes. I mean it's silly because I paid takes in the UK on everything and I've been here a whole year.

I'm hoping to buy my other suitcase tomorrow so you might get some irritation and swearing because I can't fit half my stuff in all the luggage I have.

Oh, does anyone know if charter flights (air transat) serves food? There's nothing about it in my booking info and if not I need to bring some as the flight's 8 hours.

My Women

1. Midge: The secret friend. I talk with her alot. I talk about her a lot. She will rejoin me in Vancouver in the fall.

2. Titania: The flatmate. I wish she was having more fun in her life. I am excited to share space with her again.

3. Olive: The co-worker. We gossip and shop and share money woes.

4. Miranda: The old friend, We talked on the phone today for the first time in months. It was nice and she is excited to have me home. We haven't been close recently but that doesn't really matter becasue of the history.

5. Chatton: The buddy friend. We feel each others breats. We drink together. We made a small comany last year we have disbanded. I don't really approve of her boyfriend but such is life.

The Process

I am eating real food for the first time today. I just sent out an email telling everyone what my new departure date is (Friday, 02) and I need to seriously start packing. The doctor said I'm only allowed to take my meds two - three days a week do avoid withdrawl and because I'm taking them that much drinking is an extra big no go. I've got a few last things I need to get done but just hope to see people and finish things up.

It's really sad. I love here and I am going to miss it immensely. but I've got thigns to do and unfortunately getting laid by a brit is so far down the list. Although Midge did suggest that I ask classclown to come back before I leave but I am not going to. Unrelated, I took a nice walk around campus with Paul today which distracted me for a bit. I also got free lipstick and new shoes.

I think I'm going to prepare some parcels tonight and craft a bit then try to slep early. Tomorrow me and Victoria are going to go hang out in Beeston a bit, maybe have a good traditional English breakfast.

It won't stop

We have to leave so Blondie can catch her train and I'm a total mess of tears and left over sedatives. My mom and sister offered me a solution that is so awful and I know they're just trying to help but it's just fucking awful. It requires leaving within 4 days and then flying back to London towards the end of June and still using my old return flight home. It sounds really nice but none of my friends here will be in London and I'll be far from everyone and it'll be awful.

I just want to enjoy a week here and then go home.

And there was another gross bug in the kitchen and I look like a mess and I have to figure out how to make myself not look disastrous.

Ups and Downs

Things have gone from crap to lots of crap to more crap than I thought would happen.

I got a call from my sister and my Dad's condition is really serious and chances are really high that he'll be getting a transplant soon and if things don't start getting better at least a bit a lung transplant is unavoidable. The posibility that a ventilator will need to replace the 24-hour oxygen is possible. Even if things start to get better he's in the hospital for at least a month more. So with all of that, I am going to go home early.

That is if I can find a flight. I called my travel agent and basically there's nothing that can get me over the atlantic any earlier than the 29th and it'll cost over 1300.00 USD. Plus, because my Dad's condition was diagnosed before my flight was booked it's very possible my flight insurance won't cover any costs. I also might just have to book a whole new one way flight and hope for the best with the insurance company.

And I was telling my mom and she asked if I was irritated with her and I'm just frustrated with everything. Then she asked if I wanted to come home and of course I don't under these circumstances. This whole situation sucks and there is no way I'll be happy about it no matter what happens really. Plus, of course I'm going to be frustrated when she takes me being in a crap mood personally. This is stressful and shitty and all my family is really fucking far away and I hate every moment of everything where I know this is my reality. I want to come home to see my Dad but I don't have to be happy about or not feel like it sucks for my last few weeks here to be like this.

I've only told a few people and no one knows what to say because what is there to say and I'm trying to keep my spirits up because being sad isn't any good but that requires a bit of denial and disconnection with the whole thing. And I can be sad I don't get a last trip to London. I can be sad that I won't see Manchester. I can be sad about not getting to do things here while still wanting to get home. This isn't simple and nothing is clear and obvious. It's all frustrating and blurry and fucked. Totally fucking awful.

I talked on the phone to Titania. Her Dad died about 4 years ago after fighting cancer for a long time. I wanted to make sure she knew what was going on becasue I was pretty sure that it would be hard for her because it would bring up a lot of feelings. We talked but we also laughed and talked about stuff I would buy her at H&M. It'll be good to see her.

I didn't get to see classclown before he left. Lily said I should totally try to steal him from his girlfriend but it'll very likely not happen now. But we did talk today. It made me feel good because he is wonderfully sweet and stuff.


Celia: I saw (the girl who works at saisnburys you always flirt with) today
Classclown: (surprised face)
Classclown:  ur so lucky
Classclown:  did u talk to her?
Celia: yes, I went to her till. just for you really
Celia: but I didn't say anything about you
Classclown:  i'm so jealous
Celia:maybe you'll see her in the fall
Classclown:  'in the fall'
Classclown:  haha u silly canadian!
Classclown:  it's the 'autumn' over here u know
Celia: sorry. I do say supermarket now though
Celia: do you know when you're planning on coming back down here?
Classclown:  erm not really why?
Celia: no worries. Somethings happened at home and I'm leaving much earlier than I thought. not an issue really
Classclown:   u wanna talk about it?
Celia: not too much because I'll end up crying but my dad's in the hospital and might be getting a lung transplant.
Classclown:  oh shit im really sorry
Classclown:  i bet you've heard that a lot recently tho
Celia: ya. I haven't told many people here but I just found out on tuesday
Classclown:   hmm dont really know what to say, seeing (the girl from Sainsbury's) must have cheered u up tho
Celia: it did. and I'm actually ok right now, I'm just overwhelmed.
Classclown:  well i'm glad ur ok
Classclown: so when do you think you'll be leaving?
Celia: I just want to enjoy the last bit of time here.
Celia: before the 15th I think. well there's actually no flights available so I don't know. I've been on the phone with my travel agent much of the day
Classclown:  oh well i might be back before that
Classclown: do you have a mobile?
Celia: no, but I've got the phone here in my room
classclown:  what number is it?
Celia: (he got it but of course you people aren't going to)
Classclown: ok got it
Classclown:  sorry i have to go
Celia: no worries. it was good just having another person to talk to
Classclown:  i'll call u tho if and when im back and if not i'll email u
Celia: cool
Classclown:  tho no doubt we'll talk on here
Classclown:  sorry to leave like this but my dad needs the comp
Celia: don't worry at all.
Classclown:  thinking of u xxx
Celia: have a good weekend
Classclown:  u 2
Classclown:  byeeeeeeeeeeeee
Celia: thanks
Classclown: xx
Celia: bye!!

Management

Sorry I wasn't around yesterday. I've been needing to think about anything except my Dad but it's all I really have to reflect on but then I get freaked out and cry so I've not wanted to reflect. With Blondie in town I've been staying distracted and last night we went to the fav place for lots of drinks. Only Lily and scotsman stopped by, and later stripedcoat but that was all I really needed. We ended up not going dancing just because we were tired and sobered and I just needed to go home.

Today we are going to go shopping and tonight there's a gig I want to go to but right now I'm feeling pretty anti-social. We'll see how the day progresses.

Habitual

1. I am getting the pay advance from HK Inc. I jumped up and down in my room over this.

2. Blondie called and I meet her at the station at 1:30 tomorrow afternoon.

3. My dad is in the hospital. Long story short is that my family has been concealing a bit how bad things have gotten for him. He's now in the hospital for at least another week and needs oxygen to be able to breath. They need to clear up inflammation in his lungs to see how bad the damage is. Best case scenario is that he goes home in about another week, has to alter his life to accomodate needing an oxygen tank when doing any physical activity. Worse case scenario is that the damage is really bad and he'll get pushed up the list for a lung transplant.

4. I'm feeling sick, headachy and have to focus to breathe. I'm trying not to take any medication unless it's to sleep.

5. I really need a hug.

The Last Day

Well I am completly done with school in Britain as it pertains to my undergrad degree. Happy and a bit sad. I had planned on crafting by the lake for a few hours until the CD library opened afte my exam but it was raining and I wasn't feeling well so I went home. I'll hit the library tomorrow instead.

Tomorrow night isn't looking great. We're going there first for cheap drinks and so I can chat with my friend (Blondie) who is visiting and just chill. Then we're going to a club where Wednesday nights are great. Lily and Scotsman might drop by the fav place but it's their anniversary so they won't be coming out with us. I did mention it to classclown so I might see him but I'm not holding my breath. Dakota is totally broke but said we'll so something next week or on the weekend after she gets paid. I'm too shy to call politics boy and see if he'll be there which is silly, but chances are he'll be there anyways. Paul asked if I wanted to join him and his friends but their scene is different so they know what my plans are and I'm not sure if I'll see him. Victoria is out of town, as is Striped coat. And both downstairs boy are gone already.

It's ok though if it's just me and Blondie becasue we'll have lots of fun on our own. Also, Thursday night there's a really cool show at the fave place so we've got that too.

Last night I had to take a sleeping pill because I couldn't sleep and needed to get reasonably early for my exam. I am concerned I haven't heard from the woman I was hoping to stay with in London, but more than that I am concerned about money. If my boss for some reason says no to the advance I am screwed. No London, no Manchester, no last H&M binge. No anything really because I only have enough money to eat. And that would suck a lot. Pretty much the only thing I would do is get my free lipstick from MAC, go out this week and go to the Martha show in June. Fine but crappy I guess. If I don't hear form him by Friday I'm not sure what to do. At least I can do the work for him and then get paid on the 15th probably.

My lunch is ready and crafts are waiting. I hope to borrow some DVD's from scotsman in the next few days so you might get some reviews of obsure films. my favorite kind.

Mixed Feelings

I had a long and continuous dream last night but I can't for the life of me remember what it was about. I've had about 6 fake conversations with classclown since I woke up - most positive, some drunk. I am going to not think about him any more for today though. I've got lots of revising to do for tomorrow and either way he's taken. Even if some people are right in their assessement that he just said the nice things about her so that I don't look badly upon him because he does like me, he's still involved her and that makes him out of bounds.

I just watched a very good episode of American Idol and hopefully can watch the results tonight or tomorrow depending on downloading speed. Once I have all of this season watched I'm going to move onto getting the last few episodes of the CSI season. And once exams are over the internet will speed up which is great.

I'm thinking of taking a walk into town to get some snacking foor to help me through the revising. We'll see though because I really should save my money.

Smiling

Take a guess who I saw today that had me smiling? If your answer isn't classclown you're not paying enough attention. (You can imagine me spanking you right about now if you want.) I actually saw him on my way out and on my way in.

On the way out he was on the otherside of the road from me with a girl ("the girlfriend") and he saw me and I waved but he crossed over to talk (we live on the side he was on and he was on his way home). We chatted and he didn't introduce me to the girl. I am taller than her, prettier (I think), and am way hipper and more stylish. But it did go a bit against what I thought his type was. then I aksed when he was leaving and he said he'd be leaving on Thursday buit would be back sometime over June. We both seemed to want to get together then but the girl was there so I just said I'd probably never see him again.

He then...gave me his email! Yay! then told me to add him to MSN. yay more!

Then he left and I went to the quiz night at the fav place and had fun. It was just lily and scotsman but a few glasses of wine and British Sea Power in between questions and it was much fun. We laughed and talked and I was very happy. There was also a really hot bartender.

Then on the way home lily got off the bus first and then classclown got on a stop or two later. We chatted and then scotsman, who was sitting two seats away from me left, and classclown came and sat right beside me (he was across from me). We talked more and then got off the bus.

Then he was saying how he was on his way to the girls, who, conveniently lives upstairs.  He said he likes her but he's not excited about it, and it's not that he doesn't like her he just doesn't "gush" - his word. Her flatmates think he's using her but he insists he isn't and he does like her. I like him but this makes me want to sleep with him much less, only because I just am not the type who likes someone who is involved.

It's actually kind of sad. It's not like I know he doesn't like me, it's that the fact he likes her makes me less interested. I have added him to my msn though and will ask him if he wants to come out on Wednesday with a bunch of others. So, I feel really good about the email stuff but less excited about the fact that he does like her. But I guess it does assure me that he actually is quite sweet, which is something I expected from our first walk home really.

All that said, would I sleep with him if she was out of the picture? In a heartbeat. I was almost still a tiny bit drunk and would have invited him over for food had he not brought up having her down to his. Yet, I feel much better than I did earlier and more grounded about classclown but slightly sad that one more potential prson to sleep with has become a friend. I'd say I was running out of time if I actually was putting that kind of pressure on myself. Off I go to eat more fresh stawberries and custard all by my lonesome.

edited to add: It is so wrong but I am genuinely disappointed he does actually like this girl and hasn't been being an ass and taking advantage of her. so very wrong of me to think that way.

Another Sunday

I emailed my boss at HM Inc. thins morning asking for a giant pay advance. We'll see how it goes.

I am feeling a bit irritated at Lily today. After being pretty ignored by her on Friday I was a bit angry but didn't really get what was going on so I just waited. But she just kind of took off only paying attention to scotsman becasue she just wanted to get home. I didn't even get a goodbye or concern about how I was getting home or anything. She just walked away.

Then yesterday I talked to her online via scotman because she was in bed but there was no explanation of the pervious night or anything. All I know is that she was irritated with him, then she went to talk to him and then she came bac to the table alone and said they had a big fight and she thought he left. Then he showed up and they talked, then the other people we had met there left and then she basically was attatched to scotsman potentially crying like I wasn't even there.

And if it was panic or whatever, I mean that fine, I understand, been there a lot, over and over again, but two days later I resent not been given even five minutes. According to her journal she's feeling fine and just realxing at scotsmans. I don't even want an apology. Just tell me what went on so I don't feel completely ignored and unimportant. Plus, potentialyl we're going to the fav place tonight for their quiz night but I have no idea becasue I haven't heard from her. I hate being shut out of things.

But maybe at the end of all of it I'm feeling friendless. And maybe today I want to go home for the second time in 9 months. If only I had money to shop, as that always makes me happy. Young downstairs boy left today. I just saw him and his dad loading stuff into their car. Stripedcoat is out of town. I need either him or lily to be in touch with Dakota, who I would like to go out with on Wednesday. And I need lily to get in touch with politics boy. I just want to feel wanted and I don't.

I also think I'm irritated with Lily about the fact that her and scotsman are so dependent on each other. But it didn't really bug me until I got ignored and a night wasted because of it. I guess I just see their kind of dependence as kind of an immature and unhealthy thing to have in a relationship. One of you should never make the other guilty for wanting to do something else. You shouldn't feel obligated to always do the same things. I think just as important as wanting to do things together is wanting to do the occasional thing apart.

But I'm not anywhere near being in a relationship so who am I to say anything? I can't even get past a conversation - drunk or sober. I don't want this to be my last month. I want to go out without drama. I want to see my friends a few last times. I want to feel happy about what I've got. Not irritated, not sad, not alone. I want to feel lucky and social and myself.

Technology

I have spent the entire day working on a single craft project which is now done and looks really really good. Howvere, this is not what I have to talk about. I am currently frustrated with technology.

1. My wonderful little computer is being slow and it bugs me.

2. I have three online journals. This one gets the most attention. I have another one that was for keeping everyone at home up to date but it only gets updated once a week now. I also have a shared craft blog with Midge.

3. My friends and family one is part of my .mac account. My father paid for this and has offerd to pay for it for another year but because I'm not updating it and only use the email feature other than that it's kind of a silly way for him to help me with money. Money like that would be way better off going to my loan or credit card debt.

4. I need an email address that won't move but is good. I like the .mac email features but it's expensive. I hate hotmail/yahoo types becasue I'm used to add free emails (read: I'm picky and spoiled). I don't want to use my isp's one because when I move back here I'll have to change it again. I do have a gmail one but it's new and I don't use it (yet).

5. The blog with Midge is very image heavy and I'm currently not happy with the free image hoster becasue it's randomly fucking the images I upload but not consistantly or in any way that makes sense.

6. I'm wondering if getting some webspace of my very own might be a solution, comes with multiple emails that I can check using one program that I can check wherever I am. I can host images on it for this, for the blog with Midge and for friedns to see. Also, my dad wholesales space so this wouldn't be expensive.

7. I want one email I can use for msn. The reason I'm never on isn't becasue I'm always on the account under my real name because it's how I keep in touch with people. I'd like to be able to do both at once.

That's enough of that for today. I'll talk to my dad over the weekend and see what he suggests.

In other news my american idol episode is taking forever to download and I didn't get the job at the uni I applied for. It was first come. first serve and they had filled all the spots by the time my application came in. I am on a list in case they need more people closer to the date though. Looks like I might have to hit up HK Inc. for more money than I intended. At least I know I have a decent paying job when I get back.

My back and shoulders are sore form the crafting all day (like 10 hours not including breaks!) so I am going to go have a real bath with some FCUK bubble bath and then curl up in bed with my cozy vibe, which I was going to call little but it is not. I'm going to need to invest in a water proof one because of the lack of privacy that Titania and I will have until we move into a bigger suite. We both know we wank, but it's another thing to hear each other while doing it. Ok, well it doesn't bother me but last time we had the conversation it bothered her, but the conversation wasn't so specific. She tends to be a bit more sexually conservative than I am habit wise but I think that's kind of easy.

Relationships

Tonight went from ok to good to a different kind of good to quite bad and now back to good.

I was here happily crafting and trying not to feel all PMSy. Then lily asks me if I want to go out with her and scotsman and some people from her course. I'm still feeling kinda of sore but they'll end up at my fav place and I need to human contact that doesn't revolve around exams. So I get dressed and put makeup on and feel cute despite feeling sore. I also took a third pain killer when I'm only supposed to take one a day.

We met and things were fine but then once at the bar where we were meeting people because of cheap drinks (not my fav place) scotsman, who is not very social, and lily start get get in a bit of a tif that turns into a full fledged argument and her being angry because she wanted to go out and he didn't but he came but he wants to go early and she wants to stay and he'll stay if she wants but he'll guilt trip her tomorrow and blah blah blah. Anyways, while they're off fighting I start talking to one of her friends and it was lots of fun and we were laughing and bonded over a mutual love of beach and the smell of salt water.

The people we had met were going off to a cheese place and the we were to go to my fav place but lily was upset, I thought over scotsman but apparently it was over something about how some of the girls were about her being there. But really I was being pretty ignored but her and was feeling kind of shitty and scotsman didn't really know what to do. I ended up leaving them, as lily wanted to go back to hers, and just getting on a bus home.

Before I continue, I don't understand how people can have relationships with people they are not socially compatible with or why they just can't each do their own thing. Like if scotsman didn't want to go out but lily did then he could have stayed home. Like I don't get why that wasn't an option for them. And yes, scotsman is really quiet with people he doesn't know so obviously he was going to be a bit awkward in this stitch compared to if it was with the regular group of people. Couples who have shit like this piss me off and jsut assures me what I do not want out of a relationship.

Moving on, but also backing up a bit, right before I was leaving I got an email from HK Inc. asking me to help them program the voicemail system for the long weekend that's in Canada. I was in a rush but I sent them a few directions because I was the one who did it before. I did show someone how to do it but it can be really confusing and complicated. (I did wonder though what they've done at all the other holiday's since I left).

So when I got back from the city and was felling a bit crappy I called my office and the woman who answered was on maternity leave before I left and was really happy to hear from me. I asked them to cal me back and I talked to my co-worker who is also a good friend and I will call Olive. I fixed the voicemail issue and then we talked for a bit about other things and she's really excited to see me back and that all made me nice and happy. Redeemed the night a bit.

That's it for tonight. I am going to head to bed and do a bit more reading. I really like the Muse CD and there's a bit more below for interested parties.

WARNING!!!!!! Menstrual blood will be discussed in a visual way beyond this point. If you want to read it, highlight the section and the words will appear. Don't read it if you're just going to complain or think I'm gross. And if you do read it and think I'm gross you can go fuck yourself because that is closed-minded and not at all cool.


I left in such a rush to meet lily in the city that I forgot to empty the menstrual cup. Well normally I only have to empty it twice a day but one the first two days I need a third time. I intended to do it once we got to the bar but I got distracted by the flirty conversation and such. Then when I was walking to the bus I felt a little bit of an air thing and I knew that the cup was full and tipped and was going to leak soon. I couldn't really do anything about it though.

Luckily by the time I got home the leakage was very minor and not at all noticable until my jeans were off. I headed into the shower and removed it and went to empty it but it was really cool. I looked at it for a sec then emptied it down the drain and looked some more. I continued with my shower after that and put some clothes on and that's it really. Also, it's only a few tablespoons of blood. The cup is pretty small doesn't completely fill up.

But the thing I wanted to say is that, and unless you've been up close with a container of menstrual blood this isn't always known, it's not all just blood. There's thin parts, clotted parts. Some stuff is really dark, or more brown or really red. There's uterine lining which is kind of like a tissue more than a liquid and then there's thinner clear stuff that kind of sits towards the top which is vaginal lubricant. The whole thing is just really cool. LIke there's so much going on. Impressive really.

Also, I've noticed that with the menstrual cup I'm a lot wetter throughout the day than I used to be. Not becasue of arousal but just becasue there's not cotton soaking everything up and completely changing the..umm..ecosystem???...of my cunt. I like it and it feels much better.
That's enough of that. I'm sure I'll stop going on about the cup in a few more cycles.

menstrual

Well I feel mentally great and physically like crap. I'm walking around the flat hunched over and with my hand behind my waist like I'm pregnant or something. totally bugs me. I mean it almost gets me angry that my body insists on doing this despite me trying to be kind to it.

Anyways, the little story with the tattoo'd boy has me smiling. I also remember that I have a friend who worked at virgin so when I get back I'll se if she still does. It would be convenient. At least to find out if he's nice and uncoupled. No expectations though. I think the good mood also comes from Titania adding that she is excited to have me home and if there was anything that I wanted done in the flat for when I return. That was nice.

Basically I have four best people. Two I haven't named yet who don't hang out with eachother at all, then titania who gets along with both of them and midge who is in Japan until the late fall and doesn't really apply here because he talk all the time. Titania is the only one I've heard from since January which kind of sucks. I don't send out any personal emails but I include them all on group emails and tell everyone to be in touch with me. Some people I ardly see reply but neither of them two have. Feels a bit crappy. But then I don't expect people to be like waiting for me to get home. It just be nice to get a "excited to see you home, been busy here, blah blah" once in a while.

I got two more CD's today. The recent Muse and some Jeff Buckley. Expect good things out of both of them. I was listening to a song on the way home by Broken Social Scene and it makes me want to have the need to make a playlist that is meant as a soundtrack for lazy sinday morning sex.

Time and Space

A journal exceprt from July 9th, 2004, 4:12 am:

So Titania and I are out shit drunk nwalking to the bus stop and I totally stared at this boy and the tattoos on his arms. and so there’s this bit of show and tell and lots of smiling on my part and I’m super very very drubk and I keep saying that I’m wAy too drunk (as I am right now) but then I turn away out of shyness I think but the boy was super hot and I wish he’d come running after us but nothing. ANd then while two not at all hot guys bug us at the bus stop the only thing I can think of is how I want to chase after that boy. and that I hope in the straight I SAW YOUS there’s a message to me becasue I would totally anser it. I would put one in but I don’t think I can afford it. but then if it’s meant to be I will see him again. At the folk fest? on my way tgo temple tomorrow? like I’m even goign out tomorrow. whatever. going to sit at my mom’s and eat and compute and watch TLC. if it’s goign to be it will be. But oh my. I should have went after him. and just said like “ Hey I’m way too drunk to have a conversation but call or email me. I’ll be sober latger tomorrow.” who knows. blah. I just don’t know but I would totally wank if Titania wern’t in the room and I wasn’t so drunk that I didin’t think I could keep my noises and movements to a minimum. If it’s to be I guess and hoorah for the straight and the I saw Yous. That boy could have definately been involoved in my last two motnhs here. time to go to sleep casue it’s very late and I’m going to be super tired in the morning.

An email from Titania this morning:
just a quick email. the other day i was downtown with xxxx and we were at virgin megastore and we asked this guy for help and he turned out to be that guy we saw downtown that one night with the hobbes tattoo and the 2 stars. i found him!!! i know its been awhile since we saw him but i thought you'd like to know.


And that is why I adore Titania and will have to learn to love virgin upon my return.

Other news my body is a crampy mess and very uncomfortable to be in and the fact this is happening on a day I have an exam is really not cool. It's only one hour though and I will come home with two new CD's from the library. I will also spend my evening doing laundry and crafting very happily.

Yesterday I think I found the secret to me focusing on studying: tea and gingersnaps. I studied for like 5 whole hours yesterday which is quite impressive for me. I also bought strawberries at Sainsbury's that I couldn't really afford but I was depressed. I also bought custard and ate them together and it was really really good.

I've got to run though and squeeze in some last minute studying.

12 Years Old

I went to sleep last night feeling like I wanted love. I wanted tenderness and a massage and slow sex with lots of kissing and being face to face. I think this is definately something attached to the moving feelings because if I find that I'll have to leave it or make a really huge commitment and both scare me as much as not having either for another several years.

In my dreams I arrived at a house where I thought it was going to be a person or two I new to watch films but it ened up being about 7 people all guys expect one and all people who were in my life when I was 12. The only girl, Red, is someone I still know now and don't see often but would be sad to lose touch with entirely. Another was the confusing relationship boy (CRB). At first I was at ease but then I ended up beside CRB and we just kept getting closer and closer on the couch untill I was leaning on him and very content. Some more people showed up and he moved away from me.

I went to the toilets (whcihc looked public and painted blue) and as I was leaving I saw this girl entering. We made introductions. She had long blond hair, in a wavy/wet look. She was kind of ditzy but really sweet and sincere, like she was trying to break out of what everyone alwasy thought of her. The boys had given her a bunch of Nine Inch Nails albums to listen to before she was allowed to watch the next movie (oddly enough NIN is playing on iTUnes right now). I told her my favortie songs off the two albums she had and left.

Back in the room I sat on a different couch and noticed CRB and Red cozied up on the couch. I couldn't be jealous but I was affected. Slightly irritated at them, slightly sad. They have a history in our real life that I know little of because I abandoned them both for several year becasue they were fucking with my head but I do know it invovlves dating for a short amount of time.

In another part of my dream I am in my room in this flat but it's differnt and shares a wall with the kitchen. I can hear one of my flatmates (not an actual girl who I live with now) and her boyfriend talking. Suddenly it turns to screaming and then I hear her crying and choking and him yelling at her. I am paralyzed with fear and to scared to do anything. After the noise ends I go into the kitchen under the guise of getting tea. She stands with her back facing me but as I reach into a cupboard she looks at me and I can see her face is red and she's really scared. The boyfriend starts talking to me and I'm just being evasive and he says something about being too loud and I lie and say I could hear people talking but it's all muffled and not loud because of my music. I go back to my room and freak out and don't know what to do and I don't want him to know I'm trying to get help because I'm scared he'll do somethiing me serious to either of us.

It's noon and I'm still in bed. This hasn't happened in a long while. It's not sunny out but I have to go into town for a few tiny things.

I know that about three months after I got here Red and I exchanged some emails and she told me she had run into CRB (who she doesn't see unless it's by chance) recently. I wonder if they mentioned me. I wonder if he knows I'm here. I wonder if he thinks of me. There are so many things unfinished betweene us but I just don't know if I have it in me to see them finish because I know it's just going to be stressful and hard and emotional. BUt none of this matters really I don't know how to get in touch with him, it's in my best interest to not and Despite living close to eachother we've only ran into eachother twice in some 10 years.

But I want that connection and I'm not finding it. And maybe by looking for something like that I'm never going to find it. ANd with each passing month bringing things closer to another year I'm just left staring and feeling confused and lost.

Thinking about time

I was thinking about how quickly the day had gone but then I realized it really hadn't. An d then I was thinking about how my year here is almost over and how it's gone so quick but then I feel like I've been here, in this city, this flat, forever. My Vancouver life seems distant.

Today I did all my usual internet reading, talked to midge and some others, crafted, studied for a little bit, read transcripts, chatted to the flatmates, danced a bit, made a really good dinner. It's not very exciting but it's mine and it's ending. I am happy that I have 6 weeks left of this. Just hanging out and thinking and playing and talking.

The knowledge that I have the ability to make my life in Vancouver into whatever I want it to be is huge. It's not just about redecorating my flat. It's about chainging schools and doing so with the intentions of actually participating in more than just an academic way and wanting to meet new people. It's wondering which friend I'm going to call first - or who's going to call me first. It's wanting to do things in that city that is so very much a part of me that I never considered before. It's wanting to sit in parks and just watch people. Be a regular at the poetry slam night. Find a cool indie gallery in which to find inspiration.

For my last few months in Vancouver my flatmate (now officially titled Titania) and I were sharing the single bedroom. A queen bed and a double left very little space. I was sitting in bed one night with the bedside lamp on. Titania was also in bed but may have been sleeping. I was typing one my laptop and I started to cry, sob might be a better word. I don't know if this was an aloud thing or just what I wrote, but I was so worried that I would love it here that I wouldn't want to come home. In a way I'm worried about the same thing happeneing now.

I have this grand plan to come back here and get my MA and then who knows what but what if I have a renewed love for Vancouver. What if I have a hard time thinking that my nephew who's 4 now will spend some really important years not knowing me. Or my neice who's 9 will get into a hard preteen stage and not have me, potentially her most stable influence (hard to believe I know) around to show her she doesn't have to be like her mom and she doesn't have to always fit in.

Maybe I've spent too much time alone recently or my dad being sick is just weighing on me today (which I always mis-type as toady and it makes me laugh). Part of me has everything sorted but a year is so life-chainging for me at this point. I mean I'm not thinking of not coming back but these emotions are just all over the place and heavy and full of ambiguous possibilites.

I've been thinking about saying goodbye to people here and I think so many more people have had an impact on me more than I have on them. Don't get me wrong, I've made lots of friends and lots of people mention me to Lily or whatever but it's something else. Like it's no big deal to everyone that the years over becasue they're all coming back and everyones so close together geographically but it's so much bigger than that.

Like Politics boy. He was with us on the first night I went out drinking here. I danced, I took pictures, I flirted with hot indie boys. He said hello to me in halls and we talked about music and films and he's the reason I got to giggle through Alien vs. Predator. But it's not like we're that close. I can't even get in touch with him without Lily's help. But there's people like him that really had a profound part in me seeing a whole bunch of stuff about myself that just doesn't make sense to them. I just want to hug everyone I met and was nice to me made me realize I was fun to hang out with and rememberable or were with me when I was happier and more at ease than I've been in years.

It really sucks leaving a life behind. I know I'll like the one in Vancouver but it's still really sucks to leave the one here. It's getting late though and I'm going back and forth in between tears and laughter and I just have six weeks to be here. And Vancouver's going to be different; people have moved, made new relationships, friendships, changed jobs, shops have opened, shops have probably closed. My cat might be bigger. I'm going to have to find my place in it and part of me doesn't know where to start other than with where my place was before but I know that's not where I want to be really.

P.S. I am in love with the H&M strawberry facemask and want to bring piles of it home with me.

Family Things

One of the things that's going to be added to the things I talk about is my family. Despite not wanting to really go back home I will be glad to see them. One day I'll have to make a diagram to explain it all because there are lots of step- and half- and exs that still all stay in touch or are somehow involved. Bringing this up is prompted by a dream of my gradfather (who I've seen ones in the last 16 years) and an email from my sister that mentioned my Dad.

My Dad has a chronic lung disease called Pulmonary Fibrosis. It's like cystic fibrosis but only affects the lungs. I don't know tons about it but basically scar tissue develops on parts of the lungs and makes it hard to breathe and impedes oxygen from getting to your blood. It can progress really slowly or really quickly, or in between. He was diagnosed about three years ago but after some testing it seemed to not be progressing at all and was staying that way - until about a months or two ago. There's doing a whole bunch of tests right now and getting him on extra medications and things like that. It's a bit scary.

My dad used to smoke but quit about 8 years ago. He also used to play raquetball at least twice a week and scuba dived regularly. He's had to slow both those activities becasue of the breathing problems (as well as hand surgery for carpel tunnel problems from using a computer everyday). His dad dies of lung cancer when I was 5 and he was 65. My dad is in his late 50's now and that's not comforting at all.

Oo top of it all, my dad's being really secretive about the whole thing and not wanting to stresws me or my sister out. He tells us but with not many details and always says it ok so I wonder if it was getting really serious if he'd tell us. For exmaple he told my mom before she came to visit me that things were getting worse but told her not to tell me and that he would after the vacation so that I could enjoy myself. His dad didn't tell anyone about the lung cancer or even get any treatment until he was too sick for anything to be done about it and everyone had to watch him die.

My sisters been calling him every few days and seeing him everyweek. She said she things he's finding her irritating but I mean he didn't tell her about his hand surgery because it "wasn't a big deal" and then I asked her how he was doing and she felt a bit jilted with good reason. I know my mom's keeping an eye on him too.

That's family thing number one I guess. I promise I'll give people names and draw a chart another day. It doesn't sound too confusing yet but it is. There's nothing in other news. I'm going to try to study today, go buy soymilk and a card and do some laundry. I'm trying to faind somewhere to download American Idol because they are down to three people and the site I use has suddenly disappeared.

Number three

I've been posting a lot. Since I wrote last I got a really cool parcel of really cool stuff. I got two results back, one very good and one decent. I wrote the exam and feel ok about how I did. I have two days now before my next exam and I actually have to study for becasue I don't know enough to not, but the exam in only one hour compared to two as is normal and much more focused which is great.

I love this time of year because it gets dark so late. Like it's almost 12:0 and the last of the light is disappearing. Half an hour ago it's was still mostly light. So nice. I might do a bit of crafting and then read an go to sleep early again. Last night I was in bed soaking up post-orgasm bliss but 11:45. It was good. I just realized it's my grandma's birthday on Friday and I haven't sent a card yet. I must do that tomorrow when I go into town to buy soy milk. Usually I just talk to her on the phone but I don't want to pay that much (we're not close). Oh, well.

Last thing for today is that I'm feeling pretty attention starved and wanting love and sex. I'm getting my period in the next week which has something to do with it, but there's other things. I'm not really seeing many people right now becasue of exams and it's sad that lots of people are leaving soon and I'll likely never see anyone again. That's a weird feeling. Like when I left Vancouver it was all just "see you later" but here it's like "Well, nice to meet you and have a good life."

The coupled downstairs boy said hello again and he's working on saltspring (an island of vancouver) for the summer so I said if he wants to be in touch to get a hold of me. His girlfriend (I so forget what name I gave her) has a load of family in Vancouver so that'll be neat too if she's around there. And I do have lots of people in Vancouver to be loved with and drink with.

So my body's reaction to all of this is that it was sex really bad. Not super logical but I'm not going to complain too much I guess. At leaast I know that this extended time of singleness isn't having lasting affects on my sex drive. My sanity is another thing entirely. And people in Vancouver will be way less hot because they won't have these wonderful accents, or be curious about mine. Bloody hell really.

I'm scared that everytime Someone in Vancouver asks me if it's nice to be home or says that it must be I'm not going to know what to say because it's really not. I mean I know I love Vancouver. I mean it's my city, but I don't want to be there. Visit for a month. Not for 20. BUt I can't really be going into it with all this attitude really. I just have to know it'll be good.

I was thinking about how I've changed and how I'm worried people won't like that and I realized that's not really what I"m sacred of. I think I'm just more settle now about who I am. I'm certainly way less neurotic and panicky and I know what I'm doing now. I think the changes are all really deep and not obvious more than me just being more relaxed. So I'm worried that people will assume that nothing has changed and all my weird little habits are still intact. That I'll be denyed the feeling that I've changed because it's not really obvious.

Like I have this thing with cutlery. Well I did. I couldn't stand big spoons and knives when I ate. Always teaspoons and salad forks. Or even baby forks. BUt here I didn't have the luxery of being catered to in a way and just had to buy the cheap forks and go on with it. But most people know that it's a weird thing with me, so they'll always change things for me but I don't care now. It's weird to correct someone but then I feel like they don't know something that I feel really great about getting over.

woah, this went on much longer than I thought. All I wanted to say is that I really want a warm hard cock attatched to a boy who's reasonably cute and very nice and likes me a bit to hang out with. It sounds so simple but it's not proving to be so in the real world that I'm in. Don't get me wrong, I'm really happy, I just feel like that little bit more would make me delighted.

Twisted Confidence

I should be more worried about studying for this exam. I mean I've been to all the lectures, I've done some wider reading, and I've participated in the seminars, but this is an important lecture. So far I've read through all my notes and handouts and copied out interesting and particularly notable things about certain works. I have over 3 pages of notes now. I have a bit more reading of my own notes from reading but it's all just support.

I should care more I think because the themes in the lecture are what the MA I want to do kind of focuses on and it's taught by the woman who runs the MA program. She knows me though and seems to have much ability in my work as she taught the fun lecture in the first term and recommended I stay in the hard level lecture. I also don't know how I did on my paper yet. It should make much of a difference but if I didn't do well I have to work extra hard. I also know I lost 5% because I handed it in a day late.

I could go look at my result but depending on what it is it could really impact how I feel about the exam. I mean if I did well I can relax a bit and write the exam feeling calm. However, if I didn't do well it could be disastrous. I mean if I did badly I have to do really well on the exam to make up for it. (The exam and paper are each worth 50% of the total result.)

So why am I not studying you ask? I don't know. I'm feeling calm. Like I don't have an exam. Exam stress does not afflict me but it's not because I'm always prepared, it's because I always do fairly well. Good and bad all at the same time. I've been really diligent in studying this whole day too so I feel pretty good. I also have to do a bit more work for my exam that's on Friday because I didn't do as much for it during the term and it's not a topic I know as well in general.

I think I'm going to go put some make-up on and get dressed and head onto campus. Get my results and read through my notes a few times. I need to get soy milk on my way home too. And do some stuff in the computer lab. Thanks all for indulging a very school centered post.

The Same Gender

I had a very intense sex dreams last night with a girl who I didn't know. We were in a really small town and the pub we met in was weird and closed at four and had lots of old men in it but they weren't after us at all. She totally lead the way on the whole thing. Now all I need is for the happen in real life with a guy.

I got a very nice email from a friend at home which is good but there's still two emails that I don't have and that's made me a bit anxious. First is about a free place to stay for one last weekend in London and the other is from HK Inc. to let me know about work in June. I have no idea what to do if for some reason they'll do the work without me. I technically don't care about not having a job when I get home, but I really need money now. I would also like to hear if I get the temp job on campus.

Last thing before I leave to cram for the exam I have in a few hours is that today results for two major assignments were given out and I'm terrified to look and don't want to think about them during the exam. I'm going to not think about it now and check after I'm done the exam. Hopefully I'll be excited on my walk home. If I'm going to be piss broke I might as well have good results.

The Opposite Gender

One of my flatmates, who is nice despite her dirtiness and assorted things, has a boyfriend who isn't always that nice to her. He's bossy and critical and condescending. It bugs me that she puts up with it.

The coupled downstairs boy came up to see if I wanted any sushi becasue he made way more than he could eat. I don't eat fish but I did take the rest of the unused sushi rice off his hands. I love sushi rice just plain or with a bit of soy. yum. I went downstairs and ended up talking to both him and the young one for a bit. Both of them finish their exams on Wednesday and are leaving shortly after that. I'm way more emotional about the year ended than anyone else is.

Next sunday we're going to a quiz night at our favorite bar and then on Tuesday one of my friends from home, we'll call her Lena, arrives and is in town for a few days. On Wednesday we're going out dancing and drinking. I hope politics boy, striped coat, dakota and others will come with. Lily and scotsman wren't going to be there becasue it's their six month anniversary so they're off doing their own thing. I want to be flirted with.

On the bug front, I need to pee but can't go into the toilet. The bug is dead and on his back but on the floor and I'm unreasonably afraid that I will go in there and he will come back to life and jump on me a la "arachnaphobia". Crazy but true. I know I'll have to go eventually but I'll figure something out.

One last thing, I was thinking how no one knows what city I live in in England. At first it makes sense but them you all know I'm from Vancouver, rather than just Canada. So, for anyone who cares I live in Nottingham. gun capital, sherwood forest, Students as 10% of the population, drinking craziness, Paul Smith and Boots. I love it like mad.

Common Names

I'm a dork.

So bedshaped keeps mentioning an artist by the name of James. It's been a while now. He put a smaple track up and I listened and it was good. So I look at the CD library list and they've got albums. Today I grab one and they are considerably less recent than I was expected. Oh well I say. I open the case once I'm home and it's several people where I'm only expecting one person. I'm suspicious. I put the CD in and start listening and it's quite different than what I had heard. SO I go check through the arhives and my suspicions are right.

I have the wrong person!!!

Bedshaped has been referring to James Blunt by his first name only. Jame shappens to be the name of a UK band that has an album with the same title as the one sing I did hear. All very weird. But I do not blame Bedshaped at all of course. If anything I listened to something I never would have heard. Also I constantly refer to preformers I love by first names only (ie, Martha {Wainwright}) so I understand.

The only downside really is that the CD library doesn't have the James that was recommended. It's going on my list of music to track down when I get back in Canada.

World of Procrastination

1. CD Library
Today I picked up The Kills and James (based on rec by Bedshaped who has some good musical sense). I've got The Kills in now and it's awesome. A definate keeper. I'll try James a bit later in the evening.

2. Cleaning
I just spen a good hour cleaning my room (and some of the kitchen too). I moved furniture and vaccumed like I had a cat who got fleas. I opened all the windows wide and the door so I could get the air really circulating. I found some shoe boxes under the bed and got rid of them because it's not like they'll be coming home with me.

3. Bugs
I think one of the things that might make me feel buggy is that my hair is simply everywhere. And if there's hair on me and I move, said hair moves and feel like a bug. It's spring though and I lose hair like mad particularly this time of year so there's not much I can do. Also, I'm scared of going into the toilet room becasue of this morning. I'm going to have to cave at some point.

4. Aromatherapy
I know my stuff to a point. I used this stuff for everything. Cleaning, anxiety, sleeping, studying, fragrance, cramps, muscle pain, headaches, colds, whatever, So I brought a lot of oils with me. However, as I was saying to Midge a few days ago, I don't find myself wanting them as much as I used to and have hardly used them since November. Today I am using them though (citronella, rosemary and lemon in one corner, and lime, eucalyptus and teatree in the other - mass anti-bacterial and anti-bug) and I like them. It smells delicious and feels comforting. I don't depend on them like I used to and I think that's good.

Back to Rain

OK, today I MUST go onto campus but it's raining so I really don't want to. I was going to spend a few hours studying in the library but I don't think I will now. I'll just do what I need to do and leave. My exam tomorrow is at 4:30 so I have all day tomorrow to work in the library.

I'm feeling less buggy today but I think there was a cockroach in the bathroom this morning. I've never seen a cockroach before. It wasn't super big, but big enough to be gross and to make me not use the toilet. I'm going to like vaccum and move all the furniture and vacuum really well. I won't move my wardorbe becasue I can't but everything else I can move. I feel like I should do something but I have no idea what (in refernce to the bug in the bathroom).

That's all I have to say. I'm not scared of bug but they are gross and do not belong inside. I'm going to get some new music today and am finishing another craft project so I need to just push the bugs to the back of my mind. I also will do some actual revision for my exam but just from all my lecture notes and handouts.

My room with probably stink like a cleansing mixtures of aromathery oils by the time the day is out.

Things you don't know

It's almost 1:00 am and I just started laundry.

I have this fear that's really silly but I am really afraid of bug that fly. Moths, leather jackets, flys, ladybugs even. I can stay composed around certain kinds but not around others. I've actually left my house in search of a neighbour when my cat brought in a moth.

So I had the window open becasue it's nice out. Suddenly there's a small flying bug on the window sill. I killed it promptly and shut the bloody window. But now I'm flipping out. I was in bed and I saw another small flying creature on my end table. He was smushed with a magazine. I literally was convinced my bed is full of bug and now all the bedding is being washed. I still feel all "bug-y" and might end up in the shower. I really want to vaccum my room as well but won't out of consideration of my flatmates.

And it's not like I'm dirty. I vaccum weekly and change the sheets at least every two weeks. I'm also wearing clean clothes. BUt all that i need is one flying bug to flip me out.

Another thing you don't know is that one of my nipples is scarred from a piercing that I used to have. I'm going to crochet for a while and wait for the laundry. Hopefully I'll be relaxed by then. A shower will likely happen once the stuffs in the dryer.

Reasons Why

...I hate shaving my legs:

1. I'm so pale that it doesn't make them actually look good becasue you can like see the ends of my hair through my bloody skin.

2. It dries my skin out no matter how moisturizing shaving cream claims to be.

3. Continuously replacing razors is way more expensive that waxing.

4. It takes a long time becasue I've always waxed or depilated so I never had the formative-teen-shaving years that taught me how to do it quickly.

In other news I went to have a bowl of cereal and realized there was no soy-milk so I poured the cereal back in the box. I'm now eating veggie dogs which are soo good I could live off them for several weeks I'm sure. But I've been enjoying my regular cereal for breakfast so it kind of sucks.

I'm going to go out and take pictures so I'm putting some happy albums onto my ipod. I would like someone to come with me but no ones around right now. It's really beautiful out today though so it's prefect for getting pictures. I'm going to wear my skirt too. So far it's a regular good day that can only improve.

Life and Cherries

I put a acorn squash in the oven to bake with olive oil, ginger and salt and pepper. I am very excited to eat it. I don't eat squash too often but I really like it. I might make a bit of veggie couscous to go with it. The suash needs at least another half hour though.

As expected I felt better after going into the city. I got almost everything I needed and the thing I couln't find I ordered online. I also avoided H&M, M&S and looking for things formyself at two really cheap shops even when I saw stuff that were cheap and cute. I'm almost proud of my restraint.

I also spoke to my dad and he said he was going to try to get some money for me. I think I'm going to make a really detailed list of all the money I'll need from here on in. No more craft stuff because I have enough to do projects to last me through June. If I need ifnishing accessories like buttons or something that's ok though. Also a very limited amount of clothes. I mean I have to allow some because it keeps me happy but when I go home I won't have an H&M. That's sad. Thank god I have a MAC (cheaper too).

Of the CD's I got last week I have listened to Snow Patrol a lot and it's great. I've also listened to Athlete a few times now and while some of it seemed a bit too packaged at first, I'm enjoying it much more now. Regina Spektor is odd becasue it's so all over the place and I'm not sure what's going to come next. Another or listen or two will be had for sure though.

Other exciting news is that the weekend after I get home is a big music festival I've been going to mywhole life. I volunteer now and it is one of the most amazing places/times ever. I set my flight home purposely so I'd be hom in time for it. I was talking to my dad about some changes they were looking at and it sounds exciting. BUt the biggest thing is that Leslie Feist is going to be performing on Friday night. This is bloody exciting. I've seen her before live but it's still really cool.

I am going to go back to my embroidery (cherries on a pink shirt). I'd like to get all the outlining done tonight.

Exchange is crazy

I slept in today compared to the rest of the week. I'm feeling a bit down about my money situation. I know my parents will help me but it's hard becasue if give me 100 dollars I only get 40 pounds. And that is not a lot of money at all - it doesn't go half as far as 100 would in canada. I really hope the temp job with the uni happens and I can get an advnace from my Canadian boss.

On top of it, I am obligated to do some craft things for some people for swapping which is kind of money I don't have. i know I'll get it sorted becasue this kind of thing is always magically sorted for me but right now it sucks. i want to go pick up some supplies to finish some crafts of and start my gift to lily for when I leave. That's only 3.00 though. Other supplies are a bit more but important to me.

On the good side of things however is that my flatmate from home (who should have a name becasue when I get back there I'll be talking about her a lot more) has said she's going to stay living with me. It means we'll be cramped in a one bedroom for a bit but she said I can do whatever I want to the flat when I'm done and we'll make it work. We'll also look at moving into a two-bedroom if one becomes available. That makes me feel better a bit.

Ok, I think I am going to go to the city and get some craft stuff but stay realy focused on the things I need for spacific projects, Tomorrow I'm going to go onto campus and take pictures for one of the swaps and go to the library and do some studying for my next exam.

Early to Bed

Ok, well it's not that early and I won't actually go heading to bed for another half an hour or so and I'll probably read a bit, but the point is that I feel very tired. Since I've gotten home I have pretty much crafted and read the whole time. I feel good though. Just tired. The last week has been stressful. Yes I may have procrastinated my way though it but that's usually because I'm stressed.

I have eaten like a normal person today but low on veggies. I'll probably make a stirfry for dinner tomorrow night. Yes, Saturday night and I will be staying in my flat. I called to find out my credit card balance and it is much lower than I thought so I am officially on a food and laundry only budget until the 24th. Towards the end of the month I can ask for money from my parents hopefully and I might ask HK Inc. for a bit of an advance. They've done it for me before so it likely won't be a problem - I just have to wait until I'm actually doing work for them to ask which won't be until the start of June.

I'll probably work up a full budget tomorrow of all the money I'd like to have to get me through the next two months. (A fox just ran through my yard) Then I know how much I should ask people for. I really have no shame right now and my parents are ok helping me out so I can actually do stuff after my exam is over.

What it does mean for you is no bra pictures as I will not be buying them right now. They are must-buy's before I leave though so some day. It also mean that unless someone else is paying there will be no drinking or going out. Which is beneficial for my exams but boring.

Permission Granted

It's sunny out again but really fucking windy. Like too window to keep my window open even the slightest bit becasue my curtains fly everywhere and it get's really bloody cold.

The exam went good this morning. I didn't do great but I did well enough that I am happy with things. I also edited and handed my paper in so I feel considerably more relaxed today. And significantly, not as hungry, which is great becasue I so can't afford to eat like I did yesterday.

I also got an email from another advisor at my home school and I can graduate in Novemebr of 2006 with a minor on my degree which makes me super happy and more confident about this 20 months in Canada thing I'm thinking about.

I kind of feel like things are over with classclown and I really want to go out. I was going to do some bra shopping tomorrow but I need to make sure I have money to do that before I decide to. If I do go I will put of photos of the bras but they won't be on me. I'm simply not that brave.

I'm going back to my crafting as there are two projects I want to be done with tonight and two for tomorrow. I have packages that are waiting to be shipped and getting these projects done is key to that.

Antidote to Sexiness

I am reading Law and Order:SVU transcripts. I wrote a complicated email to an advisor at my candian school about my minor (which I can finish by 2006, yay!). I have not really done much of any revising and I have 3 hours before I should go to bed.

I also ate. I've been eating all day which is not cool. Here is what I ate today in order:

1. Honey Oat Flake Cereal with soy milk
2. Pot Noodles
3. 2 mini veggie dogs
4. Ready-made Linguini with ricotta and asparagus
5. Caesar Salad
6. 3 mini scones with clotted cream (think whipping cream that's been overwhipped and is turning to butter)
7. 2 mini veggie dogs

Plus I'm sure there's a bunch of tofu in my future for the evening. And maybe more scones or cereal. It's just another way of procrastinating and avoiding any stress about the fact that I'm going to be awful at this exam not matter how much I study. Food is better than stress. Right? At least this isn't what I eat like everyday. I do love me some veggie dogs though.

Bored but energetic

Well I just got back from a quick outing. Only one hour but it's beautiful out and I got two new CD's as well as applied for some very temporary work. The CD's are some Idlewild from 1998 - they didn't have the newest album in and I liked the title of this one. If anyone is a fan of Idlewild and can give me some info on this one compared to their new stuff that would be great. I also got Regina Spektor.

I put the text we're reading for the exam tomorrow on my ipod. It's not in English and I don't understand it at all but apprarently just listening is good for you becasue you get a sense of rhythm and stress which could add to the feeling and meaning of the work. I do understand some words but not whole sentences. I'm going to listen to it again while reading the English which is also apparently a good technique.

I haven't been getting as much email as normal (non my personal email, not this one) and it makes me feel a bit neglected. I have nothing to add to that and it's silly but that's how I feel.

I'm going to go have some lunch now (see I'm eating like mad) and finish listening to this. Then I'm going to move onto looking at some vocab. I'll be back at least once today.

Broken Things

Well again it's after 10 and I am showered (not dressed though) and I've had breakfast. All of this is very rovolutionary in my life. I did craft for a bit yesterday but not long. I didn't study for my exam though.

The handle on my door actually broke at some point last night so they had someone come by. After about 20 minutes he had it mostly fixed but says if it looks the least bit broken again to let them know immediately. He was really tall (over 6'6") and made me feel really short and small, which is a hard thing to do.

I've been thinking a bit about classclown but not as much as I was a while ago. I will see him tomorrow but no iea if we'll talk. And I'm not going home after the exam as I've got a paper to finish up so there's no potential for a last walk home with him. I have decided for sure to go to the summer party and I'm just hoping Lily or Victoria comes. I'm not sure if classclown is coming but if he does it'll probably be with the girl he's "not in a relationship with" so that would be silly for me to care about.

I also did a little budget considerations for next year. I think I could work it so tat I can work a maximum of 10 hours a week which might be manageable. I also might get a bursary this year from my uni so that'll make a difference but you don't find out until Novemeber. I also would like to pay off my debt (under 2000.00 not including my student loan) before I come back to England and that might as be ok. I really have to find out if my flatmate is going to stay with me when I get back becasue that will make a few expeses cheaper (ie. Internet and Hydro).

I really just have to wait a bit more to get an answer from her and see what things are like in Vancouver. The whole thing will be weird weird weird to say the least. I was really attached to that city and when something changed I was always emotional about it so being away for a year is really going to be a strange thing.

I am eating like mad right now. I'm just wanting to eat even when I'm not hungry at all. I think it might be a procrastination thing. Anyway, I'm going to go put some clothes on because I am cold and find something to snack on. But I will revise. I have two hours before I'm going out.

Cookies are Good

Paper is done. It's about 100 words ove the limit but I have three hours after my exam on Friday and before it's due to edit and cut some stuff and print it up. The cute/dorky tutor just emailed me to say my topic was ok (we kind of talked about it verbally so I was sure it would be) and he was looking forward to reading it. All the girls in my group just think he is so sweet and lovely. He is.

Usually when I'm done an assignment I'll sleep or craft as a reward but I can't really do either today. Instead I'm going to watch American idol to find out who got knocked out last week and I'm eating these big and chewy white chocolate chip cookies, I might make some dinner soon too but I'm not sure what i want to eat. I might actually do a bit of crafting (I'm awful really).

All that said I must do at least some revising for my friday exam and must be very diligent about working tomorrow. Both before and after my daily exit of the flat onto campus. I'm loving the Snow Patrol album I got (Songs for Polar bears) and am excited to have two new ones.

On a funny note, the handle on my door is falling apart. I told the maintenance people yesterday and they said it'll be fixed this week which was fine becasue it still worked. But today, I must have broke it a bit more and I was locked in my room for a few minutes. I had to fiddle with it and stuff but it was not cool.

slowly but surely

The paper is half done and the rest is all happily planned out. I am taking a salad break. I actually feel pretty good about it only becasue it'll be done in a few hours and it's looking quite good right now. And I'm kind of doing it more in advance than I would have done so it's ok. At least it feels that way.

The weather is beautiful today. Sun, a few coulds, a slight breeze. But in my room it's fucking freezing. granted, I'm hardly wearing any clothes but I'd like to have my window open to at least get some freash air but it's bloody cold. I actually have a fleece blanket wrapped around me.

Is it delusional of me to think that I should have a life like this one that is so free of responsibility other than making sure I have money to feed myself and pay bills and that I write my papers on time and in a good way? I mean it's not like I want to loaf around jobless for the rest of my life, just until my degree is finished. I also have no problem working over the summer I just don't want to continue while I'm in school. I think that's a big part of not wanting to go home. Home is responsibility and all I want right now is to spend time with my friends, my cat, watch films and go to school.

I should do some math and see how little I can work to still support myself. But first! the paper.

Early Days

I've been aking up by 9 every day this week. I'm pretty impressed with myself actually. I'm already showered and my clothes (skirt!) are set out on my bed. I'm also going to try to go out everyday until I leave. I find when I don't have as many epole to spend time with and no scholl or work I stay in a lot and I think that might contribute to feeling like shit because it kind of gets me back to days when I stayed home because I couldn't handle going out.

So today I could stay in all day and just procrastinate and work but instead I am going to go into the town and get some stuff done and feel cute in a skirt. Tomorrow I could stay in again but I am going to go onto campus to apply for a job (only two days in June) and return CDs and books. I feel good about it.

I also am going to honestly try to start running again in June. I know I could just start now but I'm insecure about it and in June there'll hardly be anyone on campus so I'll feel better about it. I also look the same as I did a year ago I think and if I go home looking a bit different maybe people will be ok with me feeling different. It's a theory at least.

I've also decided to go to the summer party. I know a lot of people going but no one that I hang out with outside of lectures (unless Lily's going which I don't know yet) but I figure it'll be a achance to see lots of people and feel like I did really well in terms of meeting people this year. It'll be good for mee and lots of drunken fun. So far people going are Paul and a bunch of others from my fun lecture (classclown is a maybe), one of Lily's housemates and a bunch of others I know through them. Two really nice girls from some of my lectures and likely many others. Basically it's a party that is outside and full of live music and drinking the weekend after exams end.

ok, I've got to go make my shopping list and then get back to write my paper. Last night I did finish the research and did my bibliography but no actual writing. I must have it done today. And I will. Then on to revising for the hard exam.

Revising

1. One more source to read for my paper and then I will start writing. I hope to finish a good draft by the time I go to sleep tonight. It's only 2000 words so assuming I don't procrastinate tons that should be very doable in the next 8 hours.

2. I bought chocolate milk and a chocolate bar today. I just needed it but now I feel overdosed on sweetness.

3. I am making some crafts to exchange with a girl and I had finished the smaller items but I was unhappy with a few of them so I have just remade them and feel much better about them.

4. I got two more CD's from the CD library today. New Josh Rouse and Snow Patrol. Idlewild and something else will be gotten on Thursday.

5. Tomorrow I need to start revising for my exam for my fun class becasue it is my first and hardest exam.

6. Tomorrow I have a few more errands to run in town that I couldn't get to today. I also need to go to Sainsbury's.

7. Today I wore my two year old Old Navy flip flops and remembered why every summer I always buy at least two pairs.

8. I walked home a new way that classclown showed me last week and it is a much nicer walk than the way I usually go. It smells like fresh cut grass and flowers.

Wearing Skirts

I wore my skirt again today. I aslo wore it on Friday. I really love when it's the summer and I can wear skirts. This skirt is much more flowy and stuff thean the two I had last summer so whenever there's a strong wind, which is alot in this area, I feel it up my skirt. Luckily the skirt is long enough that no flashing will be caused.

I have however taken my skirt off. I spent the morning at the library then went to a lecture and a seminar then came home and ate but now I am tired. I still have four sources to read for my paper which I want to write tomorrow. I have to finish some small errands tomorrow as well as go to my final lecture. I also went to the CD library today (got the concrete and athlete which are both good after one listen) so I'm going to go back tomorrow and get some more stuff. I figure I only have another month fo this CD library priviledge so I should keep using it.

I've arranged my last night in England. It involves busing to Heathrow from here and spending the evening in a holiday inn room, maybe with Lily, and getting up really early to catch my flight. I've also settled a bit on when my last few days in London will be and they fall right in the middle of June which is quite good actually. Hopefully I get get a day in Birmingham in and maybe a few days in Manchester.

I'm actually feeling really energyless so I am going to read through my blogs that I check daily and have a nap.

Democracy and Slash

Whenever I see anything to do with Harry Potter all I can think about is that people write stories where all the male characters have sex. I've never read any of the book s or seen any of the films either. oh, well.

I got some actual work done today but not half as much as I should have got done though. I do have a few hours before my seminar tomorrow to do more reading for it which is good. I have to be at the library before 10 to return books and the seminar is at noon so that gives me two hours. And tomorrow night I'll have to finsih up my research so I can start writing, or so that I can take a break and work on studying for the fun lecture's exam on Friday.

Not too much else. Another long conversation with Midge but I tried to avoid my boy issues. We talked a bunch about her's instead. I cleaned my room a bit which was just bout putting clothes away and making the bed because it was already pretty clean, I danced around too and made dinner, which I ate too fast and felt sick afterwards.

This weekend will eb some bra purchasing, more studying and sorting out the dates for my June trip to London. This weekend will be boring becasue I must review a lot but there'll probably be a film on Wednesday night and maybe drinks after the exam on Friday, which will be the last time I will see classclown. For the best considering his views on relationships. Although, I would like to believe that if he did ask me out and we hooked up that it would be ok with me becasue I'm never going to seee him again. I have a feeling I will never find out though. I also hope to eventually get in touch with Victoria so we can go out and get smashed together sometime after my second exam.

Conversations

So I have this friend. I have mentioned her a bunch of times. She's the only one in my life who knows about the blog and where it is. She told me the other day she checks it before her email sometimes. So today we were on MSN and she was wondering if she's get a name becasue she usually just refferd do as a friend. I said sure. Then a bit later she asked if her name could be "Midge" becasue it's ugly. I said ok and there it is.

Anyways Midge wants me to post much of the conversation we had today so here it is. Be amused. We were both laughing. And we often talk about more than one thing at once. I also might edit out some sections just becasue it's long and we're not always interesting. ALso I don't have conversations like this with all my friends. She's special. I've also tried to put it into paragraphs so it's easier to read but it was hard. Oh, this is very long so get a snack.

me: um, maybe weirdly personal question.
her: youth hostels are expensive!
me: are you picky about lube?
me: not compared to hotels
her: yep. must be very watery
me: really?
her: i have some sticky stuff right now that clings and i hate it.
me: hmmm. I have one that's watery and I hate it
her: yeah, the less sticky the less likely to get an infection, im finding.
her: hmmmmm. interesting.
her: sweet, hostel in hagoya for 2000yen a night. not bad.
me: hmmm. I'm really not liking this one and it has glycerine in it which I've often heard can casue issues. I'm trying to find out if the ones I've liked have had it.
me:I'm still not god with converitng the yens
her: hmmm. have you used oh my?
her: $20cdn.
me: ya, I had a bunch of samples and liked it. I'm adoring a durex brand rigth now though
her: i love oh my... but cant buy it here.
me: you should be able to order it.
her: hmm. i didnt know durex made lube. but that makes sense.
her:hmmm. it's okay. i'd honestly rather have the experience of trying different japanese lubes. ha ha.
me: ya, it's from their new line that also now makes sex toys which one of the drugstores here are going to start carrying soon
me: I understand. That's how I got stuck with some I hate
her:that's awesome. silicone right.
me: I'm not sure I haven't looked at them. I'll do so now though
me: they're very "ergonomic" and "female-sensitive" if either of those make any sense
her:hmm. im gonna look now. but yes, makes sense.
me:ok

me: it's their play line
her: that's what i thought. they're pretty.
me: they are
me: and only one is for penetration. smart
her: very smart.
me: so far I can't tell what they're made of
her: hmm. they should really say something. it bugs me that its not an issue..
me: I'm doubting that it is silicone then.
me: well I emailed them about their lube ingredients so if they answer me I'll ask them.
her: sounds good.
me: they're expensive. they should be made of silicone at their price.
her: possibly. i like their "theory" its a better base.
me: what theory?
her: just sex as fun.
her: more about consent, figuring out what you like. just their preamble.
me: ya, I skipped it. but just the way the descrptions are done and the packaging is all good.
her: very much so
me: I did notice their lube preamble though which I like
her: hmmm. i will read that. i so want the little gem
me: it's cute. all the tongue like toys are usually sooo creepy
me: ok, they have a section on male anal play. so good
her: ooooh!
me: http://www.durex.com/uk/play/pleasure_perfected/the_facts_of_life/male_g_spot.asp
her: hey, when im in nagoya a canadian first nations rap group will perform. huzzah!
me: cool. who is it?
her: warparty from alberta. bad name. but well, they're about the politics so i wont complain about lack of taste.
me:  I saw them with kinny star at the folk fest last year. they were pretty good.
me: ok, the site suggests sandpaper as a accessory in foreplay. I am so storing that for future use
her: hm. so exciting! ah, i love durex. its making me hot just reading about sticking my fingers in someones ass.. ooh, and the pictures of the women arent all perfect.. i mean, this girl is skinny, but she has back fat, and a not-so-perfect ass. love love.
her: that sounds good.

me: I know. I love them now too. ahh. we so need people
her: many many people.
me: haha
her: i also realized how much i fantasize about cock, but then i get back to vancouver i want to hunt for those without cocks, or both.
me:  have you abandoned searching in Japan?
her: kinda.
her:  if it happens, it happens?
me: I see
her: i dont want to get stressed about it anymore. honestly, xxxx was the only option, in my mind, and still kinda an option, but i dont think he'll cheat on his girlfriend.
me: probably for the best in a way imo.
me:I'm still wondering what if anything dakota was thinking the other night. hmmm.
her: what?
me: when I ended up staying at hers
her: i totally missed something.
her: im stupid. sorry.
me: it's likely my thoughts in overdrive and all the random ass grabbing at the bar and kissing stripedcoat didn't help
me: I might be being cryptic
me: am I?
her: i dont think so....
her: everyone is cryptic then.
me: plus we were dancing together and grabbing each others tits. Nothing happened at her's but walking back I was wondering

me: although one thing I will say for durex is that they are very het focused
her: that's true.... but, well, i think gay people have incredible sex and that het ppl need to catch up. ha ha. such misconceptions rot my brain.
me:  I think just the whole weekend was odd.
her: but, you're feeling better about it now?
me: I don't know. There's some really uptight gay pepole
her:  ha ha. true.
her: im asking xxxx his honest gay opinion right now.
me:When I was walking home with classclown I said "this weekend I've kiised a gay friend, grabbed a bi girls tits, but all I want is a normal boyfriend"
me: haha
her: that's awesome.
her: xxxx says gay b/c they know what they like and are able to do it to their partners.
me: but it's true in a silly and sentimental way. He didn't really know what to say and was I think kind of schocked but then he said it made him think good things about me
me: but not everyone likes the same thing
her: i know! sex is way more picky than just orientation. yay for classclown for saying that!
me: I think he just thought it was hot that I touched a girls tits
me: but yes, I do agree
me:and he rememered stripedcoat from when I mentioned him like 2 months ago when we first met
her: maybe our friend classclown is crushing?
me:  I doubt
her: hmmmm, really? do you think its true that men are easy?
me: are both questions related to classclown?
me: and I don't think classclown would go for me.
me: but you know, I don't know what type he does go for, I just assume they are easy and wear short skirts.
me: that's so awful of me
her: no, i just read that men are easy. i mean. supposedly all we do is have to be more forward. and they always think of women in a sexual way.
her: no, not awful.
me: yes, I think they are easy but they are also picky.
her: that's true.
me: so like if you meet their standards their easy but otherwise not.

her: hmmm, i think classclown would go for you.. but again, i dont know classclown well, and he'd just be an idiot.. have you seen any pictures of his girlfriend? ugly men try harder...
her:that's true. and i HATE THAT>
her: ooh, global sex survey?
me: me too. no. he doesn't have a girlfriend according to himself. severe denial and he's going to end up with a really distressed girl when he leaves at end of term.
me: so interesting.
me:  and what do you mean "he'd just be an idiot"?
her: if he didnt go for you.
me: her name is xxxx though
me: I might not see him again after our exams. I would like to exchange emails with him.
me: plus he talks to me about the girl he wants to pull who works at sainsbury's.
her: you should. does he live in (where I live now).
her:  ha ha. he wants to pull her! so funny. i love the progression of that story.
me: I will admit though that there is lots of flirting and sexual content now. we're both still a bit weary though.
me: no, up north of manchester
me: very north of manchester
her: hmmm. maybe you can go to north of manchester.
her: very very north of manchester.
me: I am going to manchester I hope with Lily.
her: yaya!

me: also last time we were at Sainsbury's we were talking about van and he said he had family there and that if he went to see them he could see me and I said he could and I'd take him out and get him smashed.
me: but I was disappointed a bit that classclown didn't show up to our last lecture on friday.
her:  hmmm.
her: wonder why?
me: becasue I have problems
me:  and my imagination runs away from me
her:  ha ha.
me: or do you want to hear that it's becasue I like him?
me: I don't know if I could admit that
her: what every you want.. im more curious why he wasnt there.
her: not why you think he's not there. if that makes any sense. ha ha.
me: becasue he doesn't come to many of the lectures since she threw a bottle at him
her: you dont have to admit it if you dont want to.
me: I might when the exam is over and I know I won't see him again
her: ha ha. good idea.
me: does it matter why he wasn't there?
her: no, just curious.
her: maybe he was finally getting rid of that girl or something.
me: I doubt it. without he he doesn't have a reliable source of sex. and that came out of his mouth.
her: hmm. so he's all show then?
me: I haven't worked that out yet.
her:  this boy is so interestiing.
me: so interesting

me: especially with the losing virginity stuff the other day and then asking me. wierd
me: and when I was out with Dakota I was being a loser and totally hoping we'd run into him just so that he would see that I have friends and I go out and shit.
me: and he went to the bar becasue I said I always go to that one.
me: he went with a girl though.
her: he so likes you.
me: you think?
her:  well, im bad at this. i thought xxxx liked me, remember?
me: ok, that so shouldn't have been what I said
her: i love you! you're so cute and fabulous.
me: ya, see. maybe it's just that charming boy automatic flirting thing.
me: I did tell you about him asking me if I thought he was charming right?
her: perhaps........ hmm. nope.
me: oh, well after we left sainsb's where he flirted with the teller he was saying how she was responding and I was agreeing and laughing then he asked if I thought he was charming and I said yes, but somehow ended up saying I knew that type and we got to talking about if he was actually sincere.
me: fuck.
her: what?
me: I just might like him
me: bloody hell
her: ha ha ha! you're incredible.. i love you!!!

me: it's so not good
her: why not?
me:  because it's silly. It's always silly.
her: ah, its good silly.
me: I may now understand that I'm fun to flirt wit but I'm still wondering if I'm good for more.
me:confidence in stages.
me:  and it's him and he's charming and insincere and not into relationships and likes cheese
her:  for sure.
her:  ha ha.
me:  cheese as in bad pop music. not the dairy product
her:  oh..
her: i thought you meant like romantic cheese.
me:  haha
me: I'm like so laughing aloud.
me: He's probably really sweet to girls, so he might be.
her: im laughing aloug too. good sign.
me: very good

her: maybe before he goes to manchester you should tell him about the blog and then see if he'll come visit you..
her: hmm?
me: so not good. I think I'm posted too many wanking things to tell him about it.
me: and some might be about him.
her: ha ha.
her:  so true! im laughing so hard. i love you!
me: ok, and visit me where?
her: anywhere with good fucking space?
me: oh, he also joked the other day about how he had a small cock which was funnny
me: haha
me:  I think I'm blushing now too
me: and when he left the bar on thursday he did ask if I was heading back to hom and not the other guy who lives near us that was also there.
her: hmmmmm?
her: oh love! this sounds so good.
me:  see, now if I was actually going to see him again I'd read into everything. but I am not.
me:  no, not good. charming boy who dislikes relationships. and on said walk home talks about his non-girlfriend who's meeting one of his best mates that night.

her: ah. so difficult! do you think you will every see him again?
me: at the exam. if we'll talk is another thing.
me: or if I run into him around here but that's just a chance thing.
me: or the summer party, if both of us end up going
her: hmmm.
her: so, you might have to scrap it. do you know his last name?
me:  yup. and I could fin out his uni email really easily because of it
me: I think I have to scrap it either way
her:  you should find his uni email... ask him a question about the test.
me: classclown doesn't know shit about the test
her: hmm. maybe you can offer a "private tutorial"
me: I actually think hes better at it than me but he's not doing any work this term so it's that kind of thing. it would be retarded if I asked him.
me:  I could email him after the exam if I don't talk to him then to give him my email. that might seem not creepy.

me: I want to go out
me: and I still think I want to make out with stripedcoat.
me:  and people expect me to read when I have these kinds of porblems in my head. blah!
her: no one expects you to read.
me: oh, no the cute and dorky phd student with a girlfriend expects me to read
me: and that matters
me: the reading is for a paper he's marking
her: yes, its very important to impress hot tas.
me: too true
her: ah, brain fart.
me: ?
her: i hate when you think too much and then you just cant think anymore.
me: ya. I'm feeling tired. all this thinking about boys...

God, when the two of us are next in a room together it will be October and I can only imagine the chaos that will ensue. It'll be fun and I love her. I'm going to go make dinner now. gosh, that is really long. Hope someone enjoyed it. Both of us enjoyed having the conversation whcih was actually much longer than this.