12 Years Old

I went to sleep last night feeling like I wanted love. I wanted tenderness and a massage and slow sex with lots of kissing and being face to face. I think this is definately something attached to the moving feelings because if I find that I'll have to leave it or make a really huge commitment and both scare me as much as not having either for another several years.

In my dreams I arrived at a house where I thought it was going to be a person or two I new to watch films but it ened up being about 7 people all guys expect one and all people who were in my life when I was 12. The only girl, Red, is someone I still know now and don't see often but would be sad to lose touch with entirely. Another was the confusing relationship boy (CRB). At first I was at ease but then I ended up beside CRB and we just kept getting closer and closer on the couch untill I was leaning on him and very content. Some more people showed up and he moved away from me.

I went to the toilets (whcihc looked public and painted blue) and as I was leaving I saw this girl entering. We made introductions. She had long blond hair, in a wavy/wet look. She was kind of ditzy but really sweet and sincere, like she was trying to break out of what everyone alwasy thought of her. The boys had given her a bunch of Nine Inch Nails albums to listen to before she was allowed to watch the next movie (oddly enough NIN is playing on iTUnes right now). I told her my favortie songs off the two albums she had and left.

Back in the room I sat on a different couch and noticed CRB and Red cozied up on the couch. I couldn't be jealous but I was affected. Slightly irritated at them, slightly sad. They have a history in our real life that I know little of because I abandoned them both for several year becasue they were fucking with my head but I do know it invovlves dating for a short amount of time.

In another part of my dream I am in my room in this flat but it's differnt and shares a wall with the kitchen. I can hear one of my flatmates (not an actual girl who I live with now) and her boyfriend talking. Suddenly it turns to screaming and then I hear her crying and choking and him yelling at her. I am paralyzed with fear and to scared to do anything. After the noise ends I go into the kitchen under the guise of getting tea. She stands with her back facing me but as I reach into a cupboard she looks at me and I can see her face is red and she's really scared. The boyfriend starts talking to me and I'm just being evasive and he says something about being too loud and I lie and say I could hear people talking but it's all muffled and not loud because of my music. I go back to my room and freak out and don't know what to do and I don't want him to know I'm trying to get help because I'm scared he'll do somethiing me serious to either of us.

It's noon and I'm still in bed. This hasn't happened in a long while. It's not sunny out but I have to go into town for a few tiny things.

I know that about three months after I got here Red and I exchanged some emails and she told me she had run into CRB (who she doesn't see unless it's by chance) recently. I wonder if they mentioned me. I wonder if he knows I'm here. I wonder if he thinks of me. There are so many things unfinished betweene us but I just don't know if I have it in me to see them finish because I know it's just going to be stressful and hard and emotional. BUt none of this matters really I don't know how to get in touch with him, it's in my best interest to not and Despite living close to eachother we've only ran into eachother twice in some 10 years.

But I want that connection and I'm not finding it. And maybe by looking for something like that I'm never going to find it. ANd with each passing month bringing things closer to another year I'm just left staring and feeling confused and lost.