Wanting to talk

I told Lily and scotsman about Stripedcoat kissing me. They both think it's weird and Lily thought that I should talk to him about it. I did. On MSN, which was probably not great as sentiment is really hard to read there. After some small talk about our evenings and films here's what happened:

me: um, can I ask something about the other night?
him: you can but i don't promise i'll be able to remember the answer
me: no worries. I guess I'm just a little confused about it in general and wondering if that's going to occur everytime we are drunk and out? (if we were talking my tone of voice would be really neutral and not negative in any way)
me: I was thinking of not saying anything but I've been thinking about it.
him: sorry about that - and no, it won't happen every time we're out, and i'd much rather you did say something about it than it bother you and you say nothing
me: I guess it doesn't really bother me. I just think a lot and wonder.
me: honestly, half of me doesn't care if it happens everytime we're out
him: some people are just easy to flirt with and i tend to be inappropriate when drunk.
me: ok. I tend to be inappropriate when comfortable so I guess it makes for quite the pairing
him: (happy face)
me: I think I'm more relaxed now. Thank you.
him: quite alright and again sorry if it bothered you
me: no it really didn't. I mean I would have pulled away much more if it did. I also think it's been a bit good for me in certain ways. so ya, don't hold back in the future with me. You'll know if I'm unconfortable because I'll tell you.
him: glad to hear it

At first I felt much better about it until I started feeling worse and worse until I felt nauseous and rejected. Totally foolish but it's like now all potential of getting to make out with a boy seems to have vanished. Plus I really was partly thinking that just making out with him for fun on occasion might be good for me and well it's not going to happen now. I guess it sucks feeling like the only interest was because he was drunk.

But then I must remember that I haven't been rejected and that he is gay so I was fully aware there was no real interest anyways. I really just liked feeling wanted. I want to talk to him more but it's silly and would be all about me sorting out my own shit that has nothing really to do with him.

Ok, he just signed off msn and we talked a bit about normal stuff (tv, films and slash) and I feel better now. I guess I'm just going to have to be happy with the fact that I've made a really intense, if confusing, connection with someone and take it as things come. Plus he's told me I'm easy to flirt with and that I am hot and I should use those two things to find another guy who is a bit more available than him.

Other news is really good results on a paper I handed in before break, my dad having potentially serious health problems and tomorrow night. Tomorrow after our fun lecture everyone who wants to is going to the campus bar (hot bartender who I remember now might be there) to drink and eat pizza and stuff. Should be fun if a bit sad. Lily and I were talking today about how in two months I wouldn't be here and that sucks.

I also tried on a super cute bra at M&S this afternoon but decided that if I was going to spend that much on a bra I would go through their fitting process and take my time. I will likely do that sometime after my first exam on Friday the 13th (it's my most difficult exam too) because I will need a big reward for the work I did in that lecture these past two terms.

Frank honesty: When we were talking about tv I wanted Stripedcoat to ask me over to watch with him. I knew it wouldn't happen but I was hoping. At least my mind is fully off classclown at the moment.