Afraid of wishes

Well I misses another lecture. I figure it's better to sleep in today that tomorrow. I have to go to my first lecture tomorrow because I can NOT miss three days in a row. Also, I will be going to my afternoon class today because it's super interesting and I have no good excuse not to.

Last night was weird - or my dreams were at least. It was all very reality/dream-line-crossing because it all happened in my flat and at night and most everything was the same as last night. Then I'd roll over and wake up slightly and the dream would be no more. And the dreams were blurry like they were half-sleep-reality which is even more confusing. The only place I was sure wasn't reality is when four strangers came in and we were arguing about who was sleeping where.

But what were the dreams you say? Well I think it should be pretty obvious but it was all about midge and I in bed. Nothing really illicit or even close really. Just cuddling which was maybe the strange part. Well there was a bit of kissing and momentary pussy-rubbing-on-thigh but fleeting. Maybe the most confusing part is that I was hesitating over a whole lot of nothing. Like I know I'm the one in control of the situation but I feel like I can't take that and act on it. Like I'm still at risk of being rejected even though I've been told I'm not.

I feel desperate for touch today. Not even sex despite that fact I had some serious throbbing going on much of the night. You know, I did have another dream. It was different. It was about feeling stress by life and about feeling like I was better and making commitments to do things and then feeling really overwhelmed and having to cancel everything but school even though I'll be letting people down.

But mostly I want to feel wanted and loved and touchable. And not in a verbal abstract way but in a concrete and physical way. All that said I think that whenever there's an opportunity I shy away. And the time or two I haven't nothing has ended up. And I think there's also insecurity that maybe now Midge is in one place with respect to things but maybe if something happens she'll change her mind. That sounds silly but it's just so in the back of my mind with everything.

I really need to move on from this. It feels paralyzing and something I don't need to be dealing with. I want the relaxation and comfort I feel in other areas of my life to spread to this one. I really really do.