Making Plans

Today Titania's sister and brother and a friend (Penny) came by and we all had dinner and played LIFE together. It was very good. Then I spoke on MSN to The Artist and another old friend who has just returned from several months in France (Let's call her Paris). So now I'm going for drinks with Paris tomorrow, to a house party full of old friends on Saturday, to a show involving Eastern (mutual friend of Midge's and I who was i Europe when I was) on Monday, for coffee with the Artist on Tuesday and then doing something with both Olive and Miranda before Sunday, when I have a craft group session.

I sound like I'm busy and should be happy but I don't really feel that way. I think I want to but I don't know if it's entirely true. I want my text books to be delivered so I can remember what exactly it is that I am doing here. I hope things sort themselves out.

I'm having very mixed feelings about seeing people I haven't seen in years at this house party. They were all people I was good friends with but didn't at all stay in touch with. Here the copyrighting that comes automatically to me.

me: hey, how are you?
then : good, you?
me: good what have you been up to?
then: nothing much, school/work.
me: cool.
then: and you?
me: I've just got back from Europe where I was living (blah blah)
them: something about me being happy to be back/awaiting UBC.
me: not really, I miss England.
them: oh.
And then if it gets worse and the person knew my Dad I'll mention death and it's awful.

I guess I just want to avoid it, but I'm no good at faking it and so I end up being a downer and feeling shitty. I'm kind of stuck in "I don't want to go to UBC, I miss England, I can't understand that my Dad died" mode and I'm comfortable being there. I'm not happy being comfortable but I don't know where I would be if not there.

And then I found out today that Midge is not going to be staying in Vancouver and I'm sad. I mean it's obviously not her problem or anything I expect her to change for me, but I'm just not happy about it to the point of being disappointed and feeling unreasonably let down. I don't know why she's made the decision but I'm sure it's the right one for her I'm just sad.

I feel like I'm a total broken record. I just don't what else to do. I'm hoping my upcoming massive human contact will shake me out of things. But I don't want to be shook out in a way. I do want to be excited about UBC but I don't want to lose my feelings about England or my Dad. And I know in my head that won't happen just by being happier but...

I don't know what the but is. It's there however and I just feel lost. I don't want to have to rebuild my life. It's hard and I just don't want to do it. And I don't want to feel so completely alone while I'm forced to.