I Suggest

If you ever have the opportunity to see either Wolf Parade or Architecture in Helsinki live do it. Or even buy their albums. Both were super awesome in their own special way tonight and it was great. I'd even say even better than last night. So ya. Buy tickets and/or albums related to these bands.

Tonight Midge and I and the people we went to dinner with were in the gelato shop and I commented about not liking cones but didn't want to reveal my reason in public. So afterwards I explained to Midge that it's because I don't like big things in my mouth. And that is true. I prefer small utensils and I hate biting right into fruit like apples and peaches and the like. It's been an issue since I was in my early teens. I realize that has all sorts of sexual implications but I make it work. Anyways, Midge said I was "destined to be a lesbian". I didn't quite know what to say so I said nothing and now the time has passed and I can't ask and what the hell would I ask anyway.

So maybe that's why my friends don't introduce me to boys. They think I'm a lesbian. hmm. I may have a fantasy sexual interest in girls but that's really as far as it goes. I really want a boy in my life to hang out with and be happy when I put large things in my mouth and come to shows with me. I just don't know how anymore.

I know I really should bring it up at therapy but it's so hard. It's like admitting a guilty secret. I can admit tons of my own faults but this one is so hard. It is really so hard to talk about becasue it's something that seems so trivial to worry about. That said, every week or month (or, crap, year) that goes by I feel like I am getting further and further away from it. I mean in a way I feel I am less guarded and more open to guys but then the continuation of nothing ever happening is so completely not in line with that. So then I have to think about what else it could be and that is fucking scary.

I'm leaving that all here. I'm tired and don't feel like dwelling on this now. I do feel like making out with someone though. If only it were even remotely possible.