Craziness

Titania and I decorated the house today. We still have some new ornaments to make and three strings of lights to put up but the house is looking super Christmas-y. It's fun. Chatton is coming over after work and we are going out for a bit. Tonight I am just hanging out in again. I really should get some work done or I'm going to feel super ovverwhelmed next week. I also have to meet with a riend to discuss a presentation we're doing on Tuesday.

But the real thing I'm posting for is to say that I think I'm going to call CRB. I'm going to eat and bath first but I think I want to. I may be making a huge mistake but I want to at least know why he wants to hear from me and I think the fact that his mom died is really an influencing factor. The fact that I'm starved for a good hug is also quite influencing. However, just because we talk doesn't mean we'll see each other. It also doesn't mean we'll talk again.

I'd really like to call and get voicemail. That way I can leave it up to him. He was the one who last didn't phone so why should I bridge the gap now? That sounds pretty childish especially when he doesn't have my number and by telling Red to give me his was kind of that reaching out.

Also, I feel like some ground rules need to be set. No mind games, no possesiveness, no being oversensitive and not listening, no lying to girlfriends about talking to me. I think part of the problem is he's sweet and charming, but, as I said to classclown many months ago, that comes across as potentially insincere to me.

Air is playing and it's oddly suitable for this moment. Is the fact that I'm hesitating a sign I should not call? Is the fact that whenever my phone rings I'm slightly disappointed it's not an unknown number a sign I should? I kind of feel like if I heard his voice I might need to hang up. HIs motives, which I don't know at all, seem unsettling. Everything to do with him is really confusing for me.

I'm going to go bath and listen to Christmas carols. If anyone things I crazy for eith wanting to call or not calling I'd be appreciative of some feedback.