Tumbling

I was just talking (via MSN of course) to Lily and she told me Scotsman is in the hospital. He's in Glasgow so she's not sure what's going on but it's to do with his chrons. Lily is not doing well. It has to do with him (she still loves him but they are not together and he is dating someone else) but also just her. She is not happy and kind of in the same place I am. She suggested we move to Italy and become street mimes.

I didn't go to my lectures today. I feel like each day I am unravelling more. My sleep isn't so great anymore (I slept 13 hours today) and now I have two overdue papers and I haven't even started to work on studying for my Midterm on Thursday. I do have more energy in genereal and I have been exercising and working on getting therapy. But I am so disconnected and unmotivated. I feel like all I need is to finish this degree and move on but I just can't get myself to do the work involved in it.

I looked for airfares to go to England in December. Because I only have this little tiny window of time in between exams ending and Christmas it would only be for a week and $1000.00 at least for airfare. But it's all I want.

Last night was more dreaming about England and Vancouver and being in between them. I know life won't be perfect and easy there but I feel so out of step here. Downtown used to make me feel so intensely content with the world. I could go down there on a bad day at work and I'd feel better. But now, I feel awkward.

I don't want Scotsman to be sick. I want him to be fine and at home and healthy. I'm totally fucking up my own life. The last 5 months have been a blur. I don't know what I'm doing or why it's so hard to just write some silly papers and sit and take notes at every lecture. This post did not mean to go this way. I hate this. I know I'm doing it and only I have the power to end it but I don't and I hate that.