Smiling

Well I feel ok that I phoned him. Midge said I should know what I want but I don't. Chatton thinks he's probably just lonely and remembers me as someone he was happy with. I don't think I'll see him until after school is done and maybe not until after I get back from England.

But to add to it all somehow I had kind of let go of seeing IceHockey again. We had both been busy and not talking - no big deal though. However, Chatton and I were walking to catch the bus today and I heard my name being shouted. I turned around and IceHockey was calling me from out of a car window. We said hello and how are you. Then we both kind said we should call each other and go out. Chatton was totally confused about who it was so I explained. I'm definately still interested in his friendship if we do end up having one.

But back to what I want in reference to CRB. In a way I've never really known what I've wanted from him. Chatton asked if I'd be comfortable with just taking the comfort and sweet treatment and maybe some gifts and just leaving it at that. I honestly don't think I would. First I just hate people buying me stuff unless it's a friendship where we know it'll all even out - like with Titania or Chatton. But if he wanted more I couldn't lead him on in any way.

Would I want more though? I really don't know. We've never really been friends at a time where we could really date. When we were younger Red was my best friend and was very jealous of my friendship with CRB and the one time we almost went out she stopped talking to both of us. Then, when we were next close he was dating someone. He said to me at that time that he wished we had actually gotten together. Plus I always felt like he was going to kiss me so I avoided eye contact becasue he was coupled and I didn't want to be the other girl at all.

But now neither of those things are in the way. But that doesn't matter if I'm not attracted and stimulated by him. I wasn't really before. He just was so nice to me and I always felt cared for with him. Like he'd do almost anything if I asked him to and would never intentionally do something to hurt me. That's not enough for a relationship though. FOr me I have to want him and I have to learn from him. I don't know if either of those things are possible.

I guess it comes down to what I am willing to want rather than what I do want. So much of it will depend on what he might want and what I see in him now. Four years after our last contact and after him discovering he needed to do something with his life and actually took action to do it.

Whatever comes of this I am happy I phoned. I felt nervous but supported and that he was really glad to hear from me. It did sound like he really wanted to see me but heard my hesitation and acknowledged it and said it was ok and he understood. I do think that when I do see him I will ask why he wanted to get back in touch with me now. I do admit that I do want to be hugged by him. and the "by him" part is part of the need. I sighed after writing that. It will bring complication into my life.

Oh, what I wanted to say also is that I can't see myself really dating him or kissing him. But I can't really see myslef doing that with anyone. That may be because I feel crazy most days and I don't feel like I could be positively involved with anyone. Plus my sex drive is so low I don't think I've had an orgasm in nearly a month or even given a passing desire to wank a second thought. Why be dating someone if I have no want for sex or any feeling like I could offer anything to another person.

One final admittance. I do want to have in call me this week as he suggested he would. I know I;'ll wonder if it's him whenever my phone rings. I know I'll hesitate answering when I see his name on the call display. I know that I will still want him to hug me if I do turn down seeing him this week. sigh again.