Feeling Better

Well Titania and I did go out today. Breakfast with her sister, shopping, walking a lot around stanley park and then a bit more shopping, a really good salad at Capers and then we came home to indulge in popcorn and we watched "Dead Poets Society." I feel a bit more relaxed and able if not happy and excited, but I do feel much better.

We went to virgin today while I was feeling relaxed and pretty and funny. I couldn't find what I wanted so I tried to find C (because I can't keep calling him "the boy at virgin") but he seemed not to be in so I asked someone else. The DVD is out of stock but on order. That does mean another trip though. Well it's not like I was not going to go there again even if they did have the film.

I got a sunburn on my shoulder today and a bit on my chest (I was wearing a really low cut shirt today and it sucks. Plus it was overcast the whole day. I did look super cute today in general though thanks partly to the shirt. I do have some really strong baby sunscreen which I always put on my tattoos if there is the slightest bit of sun but it looks like I'll have to be a bit more cautious. I also have to buy some really good sunscreen for my face but that will be expensive. But it does mean an excuse to shops at Holt's where I can't afford hardly anything but would love to shop at more often. That may seem sad to some but I love it.

Running Away

I've had a day that was not good at all and not productive at all. I actually don't think I did anything other than bathe and read. I have actual things to do as well which I should get done before Titania's home from work. It's also means that I didn't go to work. In fact the furthest I went today is to the post box.

I'm just feeling sad and misplaced. Tomorrow Titania and I will be going out so I hope that will cheer me up a bit. I must go into work on Thursday and Friday just becasue I do have work to do. Nothing unusual has gotten to me. As said in an email to Midge, I think how I'm feeling now is how people expected me to feel three weeks ago.

And none of it is something people can fix or make me feel better about. I just have to go through the motions a bit and get used to things and sort myself out. It'll happen, I'm just not feeling like it'll be quick. I want something to be excited about and I don't have anything right now.

Sex and night

I really should be sleeping but I feel energized. I've had two orgasms in the last hour and I just felt like declaring how much I enjoy things about sex. Sexual trivia, sexual science, sex facts and sexual history, sex related film and books. I'm not talking explicitness or porn or whatever. Just things about sex. And talking about it. I really like to talk about sex - or elements of it. conversations about lube or positions or whatever. I really enjoy those conversations but I'm only occasionally indulged.

I thought for a bit that this interest may have something to do with me not currently having any actual sex but I don't think it's true becsaue even when I was coupled and getting it I still loved the other aspects. I have several sexual memories from my childhood and many that reveal that I didn't really understand the actual process of sex but that I was still interested. I would be itnerested in talkign about them but people can get really creeped out by that sort of thing.

And part of it is discovering things I don't know or other ways of seeing things. I also think that curiosity is present in many of my other interests, but sex is something that I don't get to talk excitedly about too often. I have been lightly exploring some different fantasies recently in terms of what they focus on and who they involve.

I have decided that the only type of casual sex type relationship I'd be interested in is with a female friend. It wouldn't have to be a really close friend but it could be. On the otherside I have really specific sexual needs I'd have a hard time going without in a boyfriend - particularly relating to openness, playfulness and experimentation.

And I really want to talk to the boy at virgin. He had very neat and purposfully done hair- but not in a trendy way. I feel like yesterday I made it sound like he wasn't hot. He wasn't typically indie/dishevelled hot, but he was cute. He was wearing black nail polish. I tend to assume guys who wear nail polish are gay or coupled but still cool as friends. I don't remember much else. I was told his name but I forget other than it starts with a "C" and I don't think it was a good name (I have issues with names but not a deal-breaking thing at all). I also really liked his voice. I'm not sure how but I remember liking it. I should have made eye contact because I totally avoided it even when I was talking to him. I smiled though.

ok, I've gone on about stuff enough. I really need to go to sleep because this sleeping pattern I'm developing is not at all good.

Hot Chocolate

I didn't go into work today. I did have Olive email me some files so I could work from home but I didn't do any of said work. I will go in everyday for the rest of the week so it's ok. I did some art in the afternoon which was good and cooked dinner.

Conversation with Titania a few nights ago:
(She's in bed and I go into her room becasue I know she's still awake)

me: do you still have the shoe box from your new etnies?
her: ya.
me: does it have one of the flip lids or one that comes right off?
her: I think a flip one.
me: cool. Can I have it.
her: sure. It's under the vanity.
me: thanks.
her: why do you want it?
me: to put stuff in.
her: what kind of stuff?
me: does it matter?
her: no...
me: cool. thanks.

I'm covering that box in cool paper tonight and it will be a holder for all my assorted sex related things (printed stories, toys, lube, batteries) now that I have no end table.

Something feels weird about today but I'm not sure what. I feeel disconnected from things and that is not good. I wrote and artistically embellished two secrets today. I was going to talk about one here but that would make it not a secret. I still might. It depends how much I think about it. I think it was something going on in my head while I had no boys to think about. Well I know that's not entirely true because it's not completely new but it's much more inportant that normal in the last few weeks.

I'm missing two things that are small but important. I know I brought them home from england but I'm not sure where exactly they are in the flat. I think they accidentally got put in a box and then put in the storage closet. I was thinking of sorting that stuff yesterday and today but it's got so much stuff in it I just couldn't get motivated to do so.

On Wednesday I'm going to a line release at a shop her called Escents that sells aromatherapy and bath products. I used to love them but they reformulated a bunch of products I loved and increased all their prices so I only kind of like them now. Also, the importance of aromatherapy in my life has decreased. Anyways, a friend of Titania's now works there and gave us an invite to a special event with champagne cocktails, free gifts and 25% off the new line. I've wanted to buy a new perfume recently that's a bit softer and fresher than my normal one (Angel by Thierry Mugler) which is quite intense and rich.

I like that my audiopost has inspired some people to comment. I will definately do it again but maybe you'll get my normal voice - a bit faster and higher pitched. My voice sounds a bit different right after sleeping or not talking for a bit which is what you got. Lower and calmer.

I have no plans other than the thing above for this week but on Monday my sister and I are going to the spa and getting a crazy amount of treatments done. 40 hours total, a massage, body wrap, manicure and pedicure. Expensive but so deserved. I'd like to have plans other than that this week but who knows. I guess I'm not really sure what I want. half of me feels solitary and wanting to just curl up with popcorn and films, but the other half wants to go dancing and to talk to the boy at virgin and end up having lots of really great sex with him. ok, well all of me wants to talk to him and have the great sex, but only half of me is ok about the process of getting there. I should talk to my friend that works there and see what she has to say.

ok, off I go to cover my box (am I the only one who thinks that's amusing?) and then east popcorn and watch CSI:Miami. I long for England and the spirit it made me realize I have. I know still with me but I am just not sure how to use it.

My First

I recorded a full minutes of talking about the boy from virgin records. It cut me off as I was going to say I watched "wicker Park" tonight and it was decent. A little monotone but interesting enough. Plus they play a Broken Social Scene song during the credits and that is cool.

I'm not sure if I'll ever make another audiopost but I might. I used to not be a huge fan of my voice but I am on my company's phone system so I got used to it a bit but not completely. It was also really easy to do. We'll see. I wasn't super articulate but it's late and I really blabber.

I'm one my hot chocolate now and am going to try to sleep again. I did have a few things to talk about in relation to sexual fantasies but that will happen later. I was intending to go into work tomorrow but considering it's almost 3 and I'm not sleeping that doesn't look too likely. another thing well see about.

Pleasure

Well I am using my laptop for the first time in about twso weeks and it makes me very happy that I can again do computer things while in bed. It makes me want to pay for porn again and might have an increasing affect on my currently low rate of wanking. I can also totally catch up on my blog reading tomorrow and move photos and music to the big computer to free up room on this one.

Other things that have made for a good day:

1. A great haircut that has left me feeling really beautiful.

2. Buying a new record by a local band called Destroyer.

3. Being funny a lot today.

4. Meeting new people.

5. Walking around the flat when Titania is home in a tank and a thong and have her doing the same with no self-consciousness at all.

6. Planning on renting the local community centers pool for a private party. mostly not serious though.

7. Buying a cute, affordable, and locally designed change purse.

8. Eating good and affordable sushi.

9. Petting a very cute little pug.

10. Talking to the boy who works at virgin but only because he rang up my purchases. More about this tomorrow.

I'm going to go and try to get a good nights sleep in (with a new pillow!) because I have a bunch of things to do tomorrow.

French Toast

The show last night was awesome. We took some cool photos and I drank red wine and just enjoyed. It's odd how everything that comes out of his mouth makes me feel like I'm at home, no matter if I'm here or in England or whatever. It makes me feel so grounded. But it's not what you would think from listening to it but it works for me. One of Titanias friends joined us. Weve only met once and a long time ago but she was super sweet and we're going to see her perorm tonight as part of the Jazz Fest happening here for the next two weeks.

I must say I'm kind of proud becasue it's just after 9:30 and I'm dressed, showered and have made breakfast for both of us. We're going to IKEA thanks to the driving services of my (currently kind of crazy) mother. No crazy binge but just a few things we need to make the house a bit more comfortable and give me a bit more privacy.

I'm going to run and fix my hair a bit and decide if I want to wear make-up. I probably shouldn't just for the IKEA trip, but will certainly later when we go out. We're going shopping with Titania's little brother and then getting our hair done, then going for dinner and then to the show. SHould be another good evening.

Lunch

Today for lunch Olive and I (I went to work for the third day in a row) walked into gastown to this cafe that makes great sandwiches and pasts salad. I only had a sandwich today but it's was sooo bloody good; roasted mushrooms, avocado, spinach and melted cheese on foccacia. So good.

I've only been putting in 4 or 5 hour days at work but I am getting things done at a very good pace so I feel good about it. I think I'm going to o the same next week but try to go in all five days. I'm going to have to get used to it wheather I like it or not.

Tonight I am going to the album release I have already mentioned a bunch but I am excited. Only Titania is coming with me but it'll be good that way. Tomorrow morning I'm going to ikea, then Titania are going to lunch, shopping (power cord so I can use my laptop!) and then getting our hair cut. Just a trim for me but they will blow it out straight so I'll feel super great for a few days.

Aside from all that goodness, I think I've gained some weight since getting back. I'm sure the decrease in walking daily makes a difference but I'm walking to and from work everyday and Olive and I have been taking walks during Lunch and Titania and I are walking on some evenings. I just can't stand paying for the stupid bus as much as it costs unless I need to go far away. Also Titania mentioned this morning that she wanted to start working out in the morning so I might join her but the only shoes I have that are ok for running are still in Europe. I could roller skate though.

I'm also feeling sick which might me due to a new medication to help my cramps becasue my old one was pulled off the market due to findings that show an increased risk in heart failure for people taking it regularly (I was not). SO they put me on this type of med that is a very strong type of advil but when I was on a similar but less strong kind before I found the one that worked it made me really sick and they had to give me another prescription so that I could eat again becasue my stomache revolted. Anyways, they gave me a stronger one becasue the only other alternative was birth control pills and I decided to try the meds that I wouldn't have to take everyday. All that said I feel like my stomache is not happy but I took the meds on Monday and felt fine until yesterday so that might not be the cause.

Last health related complaint is that some think is wrong ith the left side of my back/neck/shoulder and whenever I move in a certain way I feel a sharp pain and it does not make me at all happy. I am going to dry the dishes so the kitchen will be clean to make a salad for dinner once Titania gets home. I might also try to do some stretching to help my back. Otherwise things are ok though. I have some boy (or lack-of-boy) thoughts rummaging through my head but nothing worthy of posting. I will be visitng virgin tomorrow though to get a new record maybe so we'll see if that has any effect.

Actually, ntohing will occur becasue I'm dealing with another health thing right now that makes me feel pretty shitty about myself but I'm not ready to talk about here. Somehow talking about it makes it more real and I think that it should matter to me or others. But it really matters to me and I think if I say it here everyone who reads will be like "that's why she's single...now I get it". Although you may already get it without this thing so who knows. This who thing is actually why I didn't even ask him a question about anything last time I was there.

More tomorrow I think. I have an invite out tomorrow with a whole new crowd but I'm not sure if I'll acecpt. Back pain, and self-confidence need adjusting to do so.

Another evening

Well I spent about 5 hours in the office today and got a few things done. My production/time speed is really low right now. I've got some of my practical things done and have more to do tonight. I think I'm going to spend my last dollar on popcorn too. I will be getting some money tomorrow but it's still not a great idea. whatever.

I thought I had some things to say but I forgot them all. Kind of the story of my life right now. Either I write it down, say it constantly or forget it. I guess it's just the same old stuff really. I have plans on Friday night and my be getting my hair cut with Titania on Saturday, or going to lunch with Olive. I really don't know. I'm trying to stay busy but some days/hours/moments I just want to eat popcorn and watch films forever.

In a way this whole "getting back to normal" stage has been way harder than all the actual funeral related activities. I have less to occupy me now and just have my day-to-day life. It's not bad but just not right. But all I have is feelings and nothing concrete. I guess it would be better if something was awful or something was great.

But something is awful. So completely bad I don't want to think about it at all. I know I have to and I have lots of people to talk about it with but when I say it in a way that is more than simply factual and distanced...well the thing is that's the only way I have said it expect for a bit at the service with my sister. On the meme I got from classclown (I haven't finished it yet) there's a question that asks what your greatest fear is. I saw it and the first thing I thought was "fulfilled". It sucks but it's really true.

I'm going to run now and have some of the soup that Titania made today and do some crafting and budgeting. My evening will be relaxing if not exciting. I might have a bath later, and we all know what will happen in there.

Being Right

Partly becasue I completely know that a commentor is correct, I am getting ready to go into work. I only have to stay as long as I want to plus neither boss will be there. I'm still not feeling great but things are ok. I've been wanking a lot but I think it's more about stress energy than excitement, and my body just wants me to.

I have some practical things to take care of over the next few days relating to applications and ammending my tax return. I also have to develop a short and long term plan and budget. I also want to do some crafting but need a few more supplies to do the projects I want to do. This might inclde visiting yarn shops over the weekend.

I'm going to go becasue I'm aiming to be at work before 11:00. Luckily it's only a 15 minute walk to work. I also want to note that I miss my people in England. I've talked to Lily, scotsman and classclown. But not stripedcoat, politics boy, dakota, or paul recently. This doesn't quite fit here but I kind of feel like taking a risk. I don't know how or what kind but I just feel it somehow. Maybe more on that later.

Frustration

I went to work for a few hours yesterday. It was good but I won't be getting paid until I work off my advance and it was just a bit exhausting and overwhelming. Everytime someone asks how I am say fine but I think about how I actually am and it's not that great. I'm just tired and sad. I was planning on going in again today but I just didn't want to. It was hard to wake up and I spent most of the day half awake and in my pyjamas.

I'm having some ideological differences with my mother regarding handling of the insurance money and it's just the last thing I want to be worried about. She also thinks I should be working more than I want to but she's just so hung up on money and has little understanding of me mentally right now, or my academic plans. I just wish it wasn't a concern.

Yesterday I got a meme (those email forwards of questions) from classclown. I will send it back and have half of it completed. It seems that he has made a great amount of commitment to the girl which is great. He seems quite happy which is really the most important thing. I do feel a bit silly though about some of my thoughts but they were mostly after I found out my dad was sick and were started by friends so they are excusable. I never would have actually persued him anyways.

But along with that stuff I feel lonely right now. On Sunday there was this big festival in my neighbourhood. I got to see for the fifth or so time one of my favorite musicians and she played a song we played during my father service and that made me glad. I was supposed to go see a small set by the local artist mentioned in my last post, we'll call him Blues, but I got caught up and missed it. I saw him later while I was walking home with Titania and I said hello but I was so worried he didn't remember me but he totally did and welcomed me home. We'll be going to his CD opening on Friday night.

Something strane did happen that day though. My sister and nephew had left and the festival was kind of ending. I was sitting in the park, where there were still tons of kids playing and people milling about, and waiting for Titania to finish work. Beside me sits down a guy that looks and sounds nearly identical to Confusing Relationship Boy. I did a double taake and was confused becasue he said something to me about his kid in the playground and not at all like he knew me. I kept all my responses really short because I knew it wasn't him but then I kept wondering if maybe it was and in the three years since I last saw him he had a kid and was now pretending like he didn't know me as an attempt to start all over again. He tried to make conversation but I couldn't make eye contact and kept only giving nods and single words so a conversation was impossible.

I kind of feel like nothing means anything. I just want to feel connected to something or someone and I don't. Friends, job, school. Everything feels far away and small. Everything is good but it feels small. Not wrong or bad but not quite enough of something. My popcorn is ready so I'm going to go watch some stupid tv for a bit and not think about my world. I just want to feel happy and expectant and inspired. I know I can feel that way too.

Falling Asleep

I can't do it. I have been lying in bed for almost three hours. I read for much of the first two but the last one was just be lying in the dark. Tosing and turning. Mind racing. I'm not in good shape right now I don't think. I'm sad and lonely and not emotionally settled. But everything should feel fairly good. A clean and cozy home, going back to work, financially secure, plans with friends. It doesn't though.

Fake conversations with a local muscian I casually know and will be seeing three times this week. With the artist about rndomness and him trying to set me up with one of his bandmates (none of whom I actully know). With an unknown person also in my bed. With my neice. With my boss. With one of my favorite clients from work. about uni and not getting into the classes I want because my registration isn't paid but my date is on Monday.

Playing back moments from the day of my Dad's service. My going away evening with work. A christening. conversations with Politics Boy. Also thinking about what to wear tomorrow even though it depends entirely on the weather. Trying to remember what I wore to that christening. Petting the cat when every she runs around the edge of my bed. Wondering why my Miranda said she loves setting people up and has done so with many of our other friends and not me.

Part of me wants a huge hug and just to cry and cry because of so many things.

Part of me wants to watch a film and eat popcorn with all the candles in the living room lit.

Part of me wants to wank myself to sleep but if Titania comes in I'll feel like a loser because she has an actual boy.

Part of me wants to buy a flight to England even though it's all becasue I want to escape.

All this sounds like depression even though they screened me at the doctor (my history and a family death warrants it) and I was fine. I was asked the standard question of if I was still enjoying the things I like to do. I said yes becasue I did go shopping and had fun and we've been watching films. But at this moment it occirs to me I turned down dancing. Normal for myself here but not normal for England. And it's not like I'm a different person I just interact with the world differently. And it is understandable that I'm not in the mood for dancing right now in a way. But as stupid as it may seem me wanting to dance seems really fundamental in so many ways.

But I'll admit to being judgemental. Judgemental about the places to dance here aren't going to be fun. They won't play the cure or razorlight or the libertines. And I'm judgemental about Titanias friends and her boy in a picky way because I don't actually know any of them but disagree with small things.

But I don't know what to do about anything. Is this the behaviour of a 23 year old? This is me at 16. Except I had a boyfriend then. And no bills to pay. And a father. I know my world isn't bad. I know that I'm actually doing really well right now in general terms. None of that makes me feel better. It makes me want to sleep and forget about the world but I can't. It makes me want to take a sedative but I shouldn't.

ok. I just let the cat out. I hate letting her out at night but I'm pretty sure she needs her litter box and it's outside because we want her to be going outside. I do feel a bit calmer now but no more tired. Actually I just yawned so maybe coming here and getting stuff out was as usful as I hoped it would be. I want to get early tomorrow and make french toast. OK, I'm going to go eat a cookie, pop a CD in and try to sleep. If I still can't sleep I will read in bed until I am asleep. I also must get the cat back inside.

Normality?

Normal doesn't usually include the following:

1. The reality of never seeing my father again.

2. Knowing that in less than two years I'll be moving to England with no perspective return date or any intention to have one.

3. Suddenly having $70,000 when I've always had just enough to make it through.

4. Constantly telling people that my life is settling down and getting back to normal.

Bath Time

Yesterday while in the bath I constucted a very good post about sex but then I wanked and forgot it all. Sorry.

Today I took all the songs off my ipod and put them in the new Mac. Titania and I danced and cleaned and talked all morning to great music. She made me breakfast too and I drank a cup of coffee. She's gone to see a film with the boy and I am going to walk up to get some videos to watch tonight. She's going to bring back groceries and we're going to cook dinner.

I'm feeling good today. I feel like I'm on an ok path right now. I could use a bit more socializing but I'm not big on crowds right now. Chatton was over last night and we watched more of the office. We're almost done the series now but I could watch it over and over. Titania's going to buy Twin Peaks, season 1 so we'll start watching that soon. I think we're also going to sign up for one of the DVD mail service things so if anyone has experience with any of the canadian ones drop me a note.

Question to everyone out there: I was taught a game by a hot welsh guy while in Italy. He called it Shithead and it was super fun but I only remember part of the rules. Basically you have three cards face down and three face up then at least three in your hand. Then everyone plays to a center pile with threes beings low and two's high. Certain cards have special purposes. Anyone know what I'm talking about?

Now where I blank on the rules (and the internet has been of no help) is what happens if you can't play onto the main pile. I remember being able to pass sometimes, but other times having to pick up the whole pile. Titania and I played the other day and it got a bit silly but I think that might have been partly due to only two people playing and that maybe we need three or four. I would love some help on this.

What else? I've started to craft again now that things are settling in whcich is very nice. I also think Titania and I are going to pay to have fresh flowers delivered to our hour each week during the summer but a local florist. We're excited but I'm supposed to go see how the payments work while I'm in the area for the videos. Which I should actually go do while the rain has slowed down.

normality

I was in the shower wanking and it was articulated in my head that I can have two very distinct kinds of orgasms. Well there's more than two but that can be discussed later.

So sometimes I'll cum and them be done with it. Like I feel relaxed and happy and move onto other things (washing hair, sleep, whatever). But other times I'll cum and I just want more. Like I don't want any end to the stimulation at all and even just pressing my thighs together 5 or 10 minutes later will bring about lots of pleasure.


Classclown and I are still talking. I wasn't sure if that would happen after I left so I was never the one to message him first but he's messaged me twice now first and I feel good about it. He's with a girl still which is so fine considering how far away I am and how unrealistic it was to begin with. He's so sweet still though which is reassuring in some way.

Last quick note before I get ready to go to the art gallery tonight. I am not reading anyone elses blog right now. MY lap top is down and I just don't like spending the kind of time required to catch up on my blog reading on the desktop becasue it's not as comfortable. But as soon as the laptop is back working I will go back to reading for sure and doing the small amount of commenting I usually do.

quicky

I'm eating massive amounts of popcorn and love the stuff. I am having mixed feelings about everything and am feeling a bit emotionally unstable just because my mood is a bit all over the plce. I'm not moody and irritable but I'm not feeling consistantly good unless people are around. I think it's lonliness which is kind of silly considering I have people all around.

I bought my first piece of vynil at Virgin (Bright Eyes) and found that the guy works there still. I'm feeling a bit self-concious about some things though so I didn't even innocuously ask him to help me find something. I honestly didn't even look at him. A friend of Chattons pointed him out but there was a group of guys who worked their together and I just didn't want to know in a way. I feel kind of creepy remembering and caring, even though fining out he worked there was a total coincidence and I actually needed to go there to buy things yesterday.

I also got a new bra and matching thong. It's bright green with outlines of randomly placed circles in green mesh. I looked for photos but no luck. I also bought some new make-up but not everything I had planned becasue I'm a tiny bit sort on money right now.

Off I go to eat more popcorn and do some crafts.

Surprises

I have just finished watching Kinsey and quite liked it. I thought the personal and professional aspects were well mixed and I like the circular feel to how the story was told. And what he's saying wasn't completely perfect but so much of the same type of backwards/ignorant/judgemental thinking he was going against is still present in our society. I recommend this film.

I also found out today that my father had a second life insurance policy that is the same amount as his other one. It is now a lot of money for my sister and I to split even after all the funeral costs and things like that are covered. It's hard to be really happy about it but the money will mean that I won't be in a position where I have to work too much while in school out of necessity. Most of all though, getting back to England and paying for grad school is now not a financial issue at all. I just ave to have good results and get accepted.

And I know that for my dad, me travelling and being able to persue my academic goals was very important. I keep hearing from everyone that knew him how proud he was of my being in England and doing so well. I alwasy knew that but it's nice that he told others as much has I have found he did. I think things are going to get hard this week now that all the planning and stuff is done and I just have spare time.

I caled into HK Inc. and spoke to Olive today. I was going to go in this week a bit to start working with her but she's going out of town for the rest of the week so I won't be back there until the 20th and it'll only be part time. This week my plans are mostly just to keep making the flat cozy and organized again along with a few other things. I've got some crafts I have to do.

Tomorrow: A bit of shopping and visiting with Chatton.
Wednesday: Bunch with Titania
Thursday: Art Gallery visit with Blondie.
Later this week: Dinner with Miranda.
Sunday: Car-free festival in my neighbourhood with my sister and nephew.
Monday: Poetry Slam with Titania and maybe Chatton.
Thursday: Dinner and CD release party with Titania and maybe others.

Off I go to bed. Tomorrow will be a good day I think. I am going to treat myself a tiny bit.

Water Pressure

1. I love British Sea Power and have really anted to listen to Cat Power today.

2. I feel bad for not posting in almost a week. I've been busy moving everything out of my dads flat with my sister and it's left me pretty tired and drained everyday.

3. My laptop is currently out of commission becasue the batteroies are drained and the pwer supply is broken. I am working on the new computer but my use of it is limited as I am missing some passwords to install programs and make admin changes. I have a friend trying to figure it out for me so hopefully that will happen.

4. I was so excited that I have a DVD burner on the new computer but I can't figure out how to burn files that will play on my DVD player. I may have an idea but if it doesn't work it's the third DVD-R that is mostly wasted. If it does work I will be pleased so when I go out in about an hour to get my dad's TV and amp (so I can use his record player) I will try it again.

5. My DVD frustration is rooted mostly in the fact that I am currently obsessed with watching The Office. I know it has to do with missing the UK but I am going a bit crazy over watching it. I can currently watch it at the computer but it's not the most comfortable set-up now and the TV would be sooo much better.

6. My shower here is bloody great. I forgot exactly how high the water pressure was and it's amazing. A massage everytime I bathe and offers great wanking stimulation. SOmetimes after a shower I feel my skin tingling for a while becasue of the force of the shower.

7. Om Thursday Titania, Miranda and I went out for dinner and then Titania and I walked around downtown and to the beach (and has awesome but expensive cocktails). It was very much fun. We saw a skunk and an owl. We also went into virgin. No boy, or friend sighting but I've got other reasons to talk to that friend so I'll be calling her soon. I'm not getting my hopes up on this one at all. I actually feel a bit creepy about it.

8. Titania and the boy stuff has settled down. There's issues that she has to work through with it. Basically she wants to be casually involved but monogamous. I understand completely but know it's a hard thing to balance. He says he's not sleeping with someone else but doesn't think that if they are monogamous that it can be casual and he wants casual. I just tell her to do what feel right to her and keep things in perspective.

9. I left a bunch of clothes here when I moved becasue they were either a bit too small or weren't great enough to fit into my luggage. Well now I have a bnch of pants and skirts that just fit me when they didn't last year. They would fit even better if I lost a tiny bit of weight but we'll see.

10. I haven't gone back to work becasue I've had so much else to do but I am fucking broke. I'm sure the expensive cocktails didn't help but neither did the 90 pound exccess baggage fee at the airport coming here. I am going to go to work part time next week I think and I'll be getting some insurance money soon but things will fall into place. Rent is cheap and not due for a few more weeks.

11. I have been playing housewife a bit at home and I'm actually really enjoying it. The house is actually looking sane again except for the hallway filled with stuff for a garage sale next month. I've been cooking dinner for when Titania gets home from work. Today I moved some art, combined the five bouquets of half-dead flowers into one living one, sorted and stored the mass amount of computer equptment. Hung a lamp, finished sorting my clothes and put them away, srted all my make-up and jewelery and took out the garbage. The things under the stove burners are currently soaking to be easier to clean and I am next going to tackle the craziness we call a bookshelf. I'd love to have the floors swept before I start dinner too.

Skewed

I am officially staying in tonight. I am just finishing dinner, then wil do dishes and have a nice ong bath. I might even involve candles. I may watch a film afterwards as well but the colour of the TV is all weird and kind of irritating.

Titania ended up going out for dinner with the guy tonight. Normally not an issue but we had decided to go out tonight and she cancelled before I said I didn't want to go. A bit irritating considering she stayed at his last night and we did have plans. That makes me sound kind of jealous but I guess I just don't understand being in love like that is returned. I mean I would have said I had plans and see if tomorrow night was an option, or I would have called the friend first to see f she was still wanting to go.

I guess it's all easy to say when I'm the one being cancelled on. Plus it's not like I have a busy social life right now. My energy is low, I'm sad about not being in England and I want to be cozy and not drink. I would have gone out tonight if it wasn't a drinking/dancing thing. None of this talk is going anywhere. The fact is that I am kind of sad and pretty lonely and have nothing to do other than clean my flat, sort my fathers stuff and talk to my cat.

This is totally depressing. I'm going to put some good music on and hop in the bath. I want to watch the Office like nothing else. Hopefully you'll get something more exciting in the next few days - for me just as much for you.

Free Week

I am writing from the new mac that my Dad loved. It has taken its space up in my home and is working well. My laptop power supply is now so trashed it won't work and the battery is gone so I have move to this one. I've really only hooked up the basics and still have a bunch of accessories to add but that will happen after I sort the PC out. Yes, I current;y have three computers in my house.

I have an invte out tonight but right now I think I'm going to pass on it. I'm feelig really tired and not very sociable. I've gotten tons of cleaning done around here but still have more to do tonight. The more I get done the more settled I feel. I am also running low on money now that I need to buy a new power supply and won't get paid for a week or so once I go back to work on Monday.

Now what people really care about. I did wank last night and had two orgasms. Not technically a lot but I usually don't bother with more than one. I slept really well too and am still feeling pretty aroused today; lots of gratuitous breat touching while watching a flim when I ate lunch and took a break from cleaning.

So really I'm physically excited and mentally not so. Not a combination I can say I'm very fond of. I'm off to clean of this computer and figure out how it's set up. Oh, last note, as you may be able to tell if you read the comments another friend now knows about the blog. I intended on telling a few people in England but haven't yet.

paired off

I am starting to feel kind of normal now and fell like I'll be ready to go back to work next week. I am at home tonight (in bed right now) as I have been recently just cleaning and sorting stuff in and around the flat. We brought a bunch of things from my fathers including a bunch of old concert related stuff and two computers. I will only end up keeping one.

Titania helped for a while but around 10:30 left to go to a guys house. She's been seeing him for just under a month and I have my reservations. He seems nice but he doesn't want to be exclusive and she does and while he doesn't seem to be sleeping with anyone else, if he does I'm not sure how she'll handle it and it could end up with her being hurt and/or doing something she's not completely satisfied with. For now I'm just talking with her and being around for however she chooses to deal with it as they are only her choices to make and I can just give her other ways of considering them.

I'm feeling a bit lonely I think just becasue everyone here has lives and I have to place myself within them. Plus almost everyone around is coupled to some extent (Titania, Miranda, Olive and Chatton are notable) and I feel far from being that way myself. Not that I don't want to be I just don't know how it would work in a way. I don't really know what that means.

I guess I'm just not seeing cute british guys all around me anymore so I'm feeling understimulated. Although I haven't really spent time with anyone other than family outside of the house. I did walk home from my Dad's flat today which got me in a few shops I frequented before and that felt good but it's still kind of weird just being here.

I also think I'm starting to get my sex drive back a bit. I should see if my vibe can be heard through the blankets and in the bedroom. I did wank with TItania in the room a few times but quickly, with hands only, and when I was sure she was asleep. It's not so much that I'm uncomfortable with it (wanking with a few select friends is actually a bit of a fantasy for me) but I'm pretty sure she's not so I need to respect that. She does know I have a vibe though and use it relatively frequently. I also bought her first one for her and know she used it at least once in a while because her fav attachement broke.

Anyway, I just wanted to say a few words to show that I'm still the girl who wants to sleep with boys a whole lot and chooses to wank instead because I have this big issue of being liked by the person who's fucking me and needing to have some sort of regularity with them.We are going dancing tomorrow night though with some friends which should be fun.

Advancing

I'm not going back to work this week. I am going to spend it going to my dad's flat to clean it out, which has to be done by the 15th. I'm also going to clean much of my flat as it's a bit messy and disorganized but way better than it was 3 or 4 days ago. We really need to make an ikea trip for it to get really settled and I'm getting a bunch of the furniture from my Dad's so that will make a difference to how finished and together the place seems.

There are five beautiful vases of flowers on our kitchen table and tons of cards in front of the TV (no cable, just DVD's). It was also Titania's birthday on Saturday which sucked obviously. Last night we went out for a fancy dinner in Kitsilano where her brother works with her mom, who is in town from Vancouver Island, her sister, her step-brother and his girlfriend. It was lots of fun and really nice.

I also finally saw Chatton yesterday morning. SHe came over with coffee's and muffins from her work and we just talked and caught up a bit. She'll be joining Miranda, and some other friends at a dinner for Titanias birthday which seems to be happening on Thursday night. A good reataraunt downtown with good drink specials.

I also wanted to note that I got to see Olive and the Artist for the first time since I've been back on Saturday at the service. Olive was great and we'll be going out for drinks and dinner soon to look through my pictures and just talk. The Artist was remembered by my close family and it was nice to see him. I think we'll stay in touch more than once a year. We mentioned having coffee or something before the folk festival next month. My mother was very nice to him as expected. He was always welcomed by my family.

I'm still pretty tired and reality is finally hitting me. I talked to Lily last night and she said Politics boy keeps texting her to invite me to parties. Other people have asked about me too, which is nice. I didn't get to say goodbye to anyone except Lily and Scotsman so it's nice to know I'm thought of. I should be doing a final group email but I'm not sure if I should say my dad died or not. It seems a bit dramamtic, but after the last email saying he was much more sick, not giving an update is weird. Also, lots of my friends knew him. I also have to change my email address so I might just do that and include it in the email.

I use the world "also" a lot.

Tomorrow I am going to sort more of my flat and then going downtown (on a stupid and expensive seeming bus). I need to just wander around and buy the rest of Titania's birthday gift (already got a coffee press and a bunch of nice coffees). It would be nice to find someone to go with but everyone else is working. I could make some other calls to more distant people though.

Maybe a final word about the tattood boy who works at Virgin records I was excited about a few weeks ago. It turns out my friend who works there still does so she'll know him. I'll stop in when I'm downtown tomorrow. I just really need my life to get slightly routine again and for the flat to be comfortable. There's a big street party where I live on the 19th which will be great fun and my sister and newphew will come out for it.

Ok, I'm leaving now as I need to shower and get ready to go to my dad's to sort and pack. I'll probably come home exhausted again tonight. I did tell Titania I'd cook dinner though. I also have a movie that's overdue I think and I've never actually watched it. Well we watched half and then fell asleep. I should return it today either way though.

The Day

Titania and I are sick and distressed. This is going to be a messy day. I'm keeping back tears surprisingly well except for wehen I'm alone an dme not freaking out is worrying people more than their original worry that I was going to freak out. I just keep explaining that this situation is so unreal that any reaction is abnormal.

I have my burberry scarf with me so Midge can feel she's there for me as much as she would like to be, especially with all the time issues.

All I can say is that this sucks. I want this day to either stop and never happen or go quickly so I can come home and curl up and watch films. Or something.

Brevity

I feel like I;ve been neglectful. I have had so little spare time or even time to myself I've just not been around the internet in general very much at all. I think that even my email is only getting checked like 4 times a day which is really unusual in my world.

We are really busy with finishing things up (songs to play at the service, making the guestbook) but things are sorted more or less. We ended things for the day early today because I was tied, physically and emotionally, and just needed some time alone. Unlike my sister who has family staying with her and a kid, I have the priviledge to do that at my flat and I have done that this evening.

I also had Miranda over and Titania was around. Plus, with some difficulty, I spoke with the Artist and told him. He's trying to get Saturday off work to come to the service. I told him he wasn't obligated but he wanted to come.

Finally I think I pinpointed a reason why I'm not as distressed as others and that's because I am not really realizing what is happening becasue I am used to not seeing my Dad becasue I've been away. I think the service will be a turning point as will cleaning out his apartment early next week. And I'm sure over the next month or two it'll be more real as I have moments and issues where I'd talk to him or be with him and I won't be able to.

I'm going to go watch some CSI to make me fall asleep.

Overnights

My worst times are definately in the mornings and when I'm trying to fall alsleep. ALso, being in my Dad's apartment today and going through stuff was hard but not as hard aas I had anticipated. It was sad but not at all creepy or uncomfortable.

I'm staying at my sister's house tonight so we can talk about some things and make a mixed CD up for the service that will happen on Saturday. I'm going to take next week off work too to sort my Dad's stuff with my grandma and sister and others.

The only friend I've seen so far is Titania but I've talked to others. I'm still doing ok but I know it's only half hitting me.