Confusion

1. I called him my boyfriend today, but it was to a stranger. I wasn't willing to call him that when talking to my sister.

2. Miranda and her man are hosting a few people at her house tomorrow night. Orange is invited but so is the Filmmaker. I haven't told filmmaker he's invited and Orange isn't sure if he wants to come.

3. I want to play scattergories.

4. My foot is asleep.

5. Tonight, I got the dinner I've been craving for nearly two weeks. My actual appetite is lacking though.

6. My cat is upset about something.

7. My nieces mom died. She's not my sister and she's not been around for years. My mom and baldie (my step dad) have custody of my niece. It's more of a loss of hope than a loss of a person right now. It's strange.

8. Something feels not right this evening. I'm not sure what though.

9. There's things I'm wanting to tell someone about filmmaker but that wouldn't be nice at all. They aren't bad things, bjust his personal things.

10. I really want some coke zero.

Speeding

I just kind of realized last night that in a about a week I've gone from questioning this relationship and it's potential to standing right in the middle of it. Some fear has crept back in I think.

While at Mirandas I texted him to see if he wanted to get together later in the evening. He ended up coming to pick me up and spent some time there meeting them. We then did a video store run and went back to his place. It was nearly midnight by this time. We watched the movie we rented the whole way through with no distractions.

The next few hours was basically see how close we could come to having sex, without actually having it and talking a lot about sex to keep ourselves aware of the fact that we weren't actually going to be having it. It was a bit frustrating but in the end we seem to be quite sexually compatible. We both fell alseep having had more than one orgasm and discovered many similar preferences.

A few things of note:
1.He is ok with me not using the boyfriend/girlfriend label, but for him, having sex pretty much means I have to. I think I'm ok with that and I have some time before it happens.
2.He snores, loudly. Loudly enough that I have problems sleeping through it. This is not something I've ever had to even consider before and I don't really know what if anything I should do.
3. Any reservations I thought I may have had about my body are completely non existant. It's a strange thing.
4. I have nearly nothing to compare it to but I have zero complaints about the size of his cock. Only excitement.
5. My head wants to spend tonight alone, but my body does not.

Rolling Over

I'm going over to Mirandas in just a little while to talk and watch movies. I feel energized and excited. There's still a few things about him I'm not thrilled by but no one's perfect and they're all pretty silly things.

I love Snow Partols "Eyes Open" album so much right now.

Continuing, it makes me want to buy more cute matching underware sets and I made an appointment with my doctor about birth control (the side benefit here is that it might help with the cramps). Pregnancy concerns me and it's pretty much the only way I'll have sex.

My cat is eating her favorite kind of scone (blueberry). She's odd.

We were talking about friendships at one point because I always mention mine but he never mentions his (that concerns me). I mentioned Orange being my gay boyfriend. He said now I have a gay one and a straight one. My immediate response was "I do?" He said that if I wanted to I did. I said I wasn't ready for that leap yet. It's a big change in mentallity for me and I'm just not there yet. He was totally fine with it. He was pretty much totally fine with everything. And once I was there and we discussed my staying over I pretty much said whatever I wanted. Sometimes ittook me a while to get the actal words out but I did.

I actually want to gush. This is good and I am smiley. Must go get dressed and head to Mirandas. I have a comic to read on the bus. me. comics. penis touching. it's all a little strange.

I figured I'd post early. I'm already at work because someone has the day off and I get to cover their shift. A full 8 hours.

But what about last night you ask? We'll I haven't been hom since he picked me up last night. Half of me wants to spill everything and half of me wants to keep it all to myself. I should probably do something in between those two. First, we didn't have sex. Second, I do know a lot more about him now.

ah, my boss is here. more later.

New thought

I don't trsut things that the filmmaker says sometimes. They are very specific things though. Like when he remarks on something we have in common I feel like it's not sincere or that he's exaggerating to make me like him. He's given me nothing to think that. It's completely in my head. Even more, I feel like having certain things in common with other people (ie. The Filmmaker), makes me less unique. less special. yuck. Shouldn't I feel like I've found something great in someone else?

Yet another thing to work on. This is certainly a huge learning process.

Ok, I'm going to go watch the end of Tyra and have a snack. then I must start to get ready.

Edited to add at 17:35: How can I have over 20 purses and not have a small black one?

edited for title

What I don't like about using google to post is that it doesn't use my titles even though I've told it to. It does have spellcheck that works though.

The Filmmaker and I have been texting a bit all morning. Basically, last night I found out that a girl I know on Livejournal only is friends with one of his really good friends (they have a production company with some others). So I told him and his response was not to read his journal. I'm slightly curious now but won't go looking for it. He can go look at mine as much as he wants bt if he was to find this one I'd been quite distressed.

What else? I'm still feeling a bit sick today but much better than yesterday. I'm hoping as the day progresses it'll get even better. I'm trying to do this whole relaxed and fun thing tonight but if it hurts to move that'll be hard. I should have worn my yoga pants today. Oh, my boss said I'm never allowed to leave the company. Flattering but something else kind of worrisome too.

Sleepy Day

I slept a lot today and I'm still tired. I'm having major cramps but also my mind is full of wanting to have sex. It's a frustrating combination in so many ways.

I'm back to being excited about seeing the Filmmaker. I have a super cute outfit planned (I've even thought about what's going to be underneath it) and will be straightening my hair and shaving my legs. Not like I expect anything to happen but I have been thinking about it. Thinking about it in a lot of ways.

I actually remeber a dream from while I was napping today. He came over to bring me food and keep me company. But I wanted him to tell me what we were doing tomorrow but he wouldn't tell me and wanted it to be a surprise. I tried to get him to spill by kissing and touching and those other good things I'm hesitant about doing in real life. It didn't work though, he kept silent. He was also wearing the most hideous and ridiculous pants ever. Clearly I'm still not completely open.

But all this thinking about sex has happened in his absence. This means that it's not entirely real. I also need several things to happen before I'll actually have sex. On the otherhand, I know there's a lot between what we've done and having sex. I want this to happen slowly. I have to stay focused on the current situation and not let my mind run away from me.

Orange said that maybe the connection between my head and heart were broken. He suggested using my vagina a little bit more. Or something liek that. It was over a week ago. While I do think he's at least a little bit right, I'm not really sure how to go about using my vag to affect my actions.

But I'm in a decent mood about it all. I do feel much better than yesterday even though I'm now physically sick. That will be better tomorrow though. And I'll be at work tomorrow. There's lots to do there that will keep from from thinking about my life all day. I do wish I knew more about what was going on tomorrow night. I don't though so I am goiing to focus on staying relaxed, present and open.

Worries

I'm worried about money. I found out that I won't be getting the money I ususally get on the 26th of the month until the 5th. This means I don't have the money to pay my rent. It's stressful. I'm also owing money on all my bills. I was hoping i could catch up in february but I don't think I'm going to working anymore than I am now at HK Inc. so I'm going to have to get another job.

Right now I feel restless and it's not good. I only have a month of school left and I don't know what to do after that. I don't feel confident with what I have portfolio wise right now to go after photography jobs. I know that I can't let that stop me because doing work is the only way to build my portfolio. And then I start thinking again about applying to MAC. I just don't really know right now. I have to do something.

I was sad today I wasn't getting ready for visiting England. I was in the Bay (I had a gift card) and was looking for Bras on sale but there was nothing nice in my size. It just made me think about Marks and Specers and how they have so much awesome stuff in larger sizes. And no H&M here either. And no Lily or anything like that.

So I'm just wandering around my flat feeling lost. There's no food here I want to eat but I can't really afford to ordar something either. I feel like I need to be away from here. Or at least after school is done. But there's no where I can afford to go and somehow everything in my life is theoretically on track.

I want someone/something to rescue me. But that's lazy and spoiled. That's me being used to everything working out. Shouldn't this make me happy? Be reassuring? This is useless. I'm not continuing this line of thought.

I am no longer excited about the Filmmaker. distance maybe? I'm scared in some ways but I know that it's thinking that will be self-fulfilling if I keep it up. Maybe I'm not this person I think I am/could be. I just don't know right now. I'm bored and lonely. That's what I know.

Aftermath

I'm not doing so well today. I feel lonely, isolated, disconnected. My make up is gorgeous though. I am just going to stay huddled and warm on my couch and hope I feel better tomorrow. I'm also feeling sorely unsatisfied and let down by the whole Chirstmas things and don't know how unrealistic that it. And I feel spoiled and ungreatful and that sucks.

A new look

I changed some things. Mostly just the colour scheme.

I am pretty much ready for tomorrow and monday. I still have to pack my overnight bag but that'll happen tomorrow before I leave. I also need to do dishes and take out the garbage before I leave so it's not all just sitting here for two days.

I'm definately getting my period in the next day or two, which sucks because I'll be in siginificant pain one of those days. I just can't forget to bring my painkillers. I wonder if my mom bought me a bottle of wine for tomorrow night? Are those two connected? Today the symptom was teariness. Wanting sex, back pain, and needing to cry all combine to be my indicator.

The Filmmaker and Orange are both out of town until Wednesday. Orange and I must work on some sort of plan for new years. I should see if anyone else I know is in need for plans still. As for the FIlmmaker, I'm kind of excited (oh my!) about Thursday. It feels kind of full of possibilites and I keep running scenarios through my head. It's leading me in all sorts of directions because he's planning the night and I don't know at all what those plans are.

Last night I ended up sleeping on the couch all night. I hope that doesn't happen again tonight and I'm thinking of maybe taking a tylenol or two (my doctor said this was ok) if the pain is bad again. I really want to sleep well and be super energized. I have big make-up plans for tomorrow. I'm also going to wear my demin mini skirt, with tights, because I feel awesome in it. I'm prepared for my mom to comment on it's inapprpriateness. 'Tis the season I guess.

I'm going to leave and watch Wuthering Heights now. I have no idea when I'll most next so Merry Christmas everyone!!!

Frustration

I can't fall asleep. I just toss and turn in discomfort everytime I'm in my bed. So I get up, watch some TV, and fall asleep. Then, thinking I can go back to bed, I do, only be become uncomfortable again. It's all my joints. My body is just not comfortable or relaxed. This sucks. I just want to go to sleep.

bits and pieces

1. I really love my hair when you can see all the blond poking thorugh the red.

2. My body wants sex really bad. It's the pre-menstural hormones. I need to get rechargable AAA batteries next time I'm at London Drugs (tomorrow?). My favorite vibe has been out of commission.

3. I got a $200 bonus from work today.

4. I still haven't wrapped any of my presents.

Paving Ahead

Another google docs post. The last one looked fine.

I'm only here (work) for 2.5 hours today. That's kind of awesome.

So The Filmmaker and I talked for a while last night. The conclusion was that he's planning something for next week that will show me a bit of his life. We discussed how my lack of excitement could be that either I'm just not that into him, or that it's all really new and I'm scared and nervous. He knows that the first is a real possibility and said he likes me enough (He used the word 'fascinating'.) to risk it.

The Charlie Brown Christmas song is on the radio.


But I also had to let him know not to constantly treat me with kid golves. I have to know when he's frustrated and what he wants. I can't be the only happy and comfortable one. That kind of defeats getting to know him and I might not notice his issues as quickly as I should. Following that he did say that he wished we were "closer" (code for wanting to touch my breasts basically) but he did recognize my comfort level is increasing and he doesn't want anything to be forced. Again, if I'm willing to try he's willing to wait.

In other news Orange and I went out and he discovered "The Postal Service" and asked me questions about female ejaculation. Much fun.

What I didn't share

I just sent the FIlmamaker a nice long, but concise (as possible) email. I feel ok about it.

But what did I leave out? Anything superficial and anything about sex.

He's a myspace friend now. Friends can snoop. hmmm.

Orange asked me if I had issues about sex or if I just didn't want to have it with him.

The answer is that I have tons of issues and I'm not sure if I want to have it with him.

I do know that we can do more than we're doing without sex being the result.

Why am I wiritng these short statements?

So here's a quick summary of the general sex issues.

1. I'm used to just having it with myself. It's all about me.

2. I'm worried I'll be ____________ with another person involved.

3. Blank possibilities: confused, overhwelmed, lost, tense

4. What if I sleep with him and decide I don't really like him?

5. If I sleep with him it means I have a boyfriend. right?

ok, time to go to bed. I feel full of thoughts and conflicting information. I have work tomorrow and dinner plans. I'm tired. I really wanted this to be easy.

Ugh

Tonight he asked me this as he was leaving: "Have you been in a really bad relationship, or is this just how you are in new relationships?"

1. I'm feeling like the Filmmaker might be running out of patience.

2. I think I'm running out of patience.

3. I think I need to put forth more effort, and not just expect things to happen.

3.5. Or I need trust my lack of excitement be my indicator to end things.

4. I don't know what whould make me more excited.

5. "Moments" make me nervous and I destroy them.

6. Orange says I have to tell the whole truth.

7. There's so much going on in my head.

8. I don't know if he's the problem or I am. I suspect both is the real answer.

9. I want this to be fun and simple.

10. Should Christmas gifts be exchanged by now?

11. A draft email will be written.

12. I feel like I should know how to do this and stupid that I don't.

The Current Cast

Vancouver:
Blondie: I met her through Midge.
Midge: We met through her cousin who I was friends with in highschool.
Miranda: We met in highschool and we'll always be friends.
Ringlettes: Met her through Chatton. She's living in Halifax right now for Art School.
Farmer: I met him through Midge also. Few can complete with his coolness.
Eastern: Met her through midge and she also spent much of the last year in Europe.
Stevie: A friend who I met through Midge and is also friends with Farmer.
IceHockey: A friend of Midge. I've only met him a few times but he's fun enough.
Orange: He started in the "boy" section below, now he's just my gay boyfriend.
Lily: Actually lives in England. I met her while living there and miss her a lot.
Olive: Was a co-worker but is not a friend I don't see as often as I should.
Lil Boat: I met her while working at the Art Gallery.
Lashes: A girl I go to school with. She has a baby (good) and is quite negative (bad).

(There's other people at school but since I'm only there for another month and I'm not sure who I'll see after we finish.)

HK Inc (Work):
Heavy: My major boss who is a super great person who communicates as a boss like crap.
Keavy: The other boss.
Regina: My religious co-worker who is nonetheless very sweet.
Sandals: Another co-worker.
Delinquant: Our lab manager who gets paid way more than he should do considering how slack he is.

Family:
Mom: She lives very near to me and we are mostly close.
Dad: Amazing and always with me.
Sister: We have different moms and she is in her 30's but we get along swimmingly.
Nephew: My sisters 4 year old son.
Baldy: My moms boyfriend who's live with her for over 10 years.
Neice: Baldy's granddaughter who lives with him and my mom.

Boys:
The Filmaker: The first person I am trying to seriously date in a long time. I'm not very good at it.
The Artist: We dated for 2.5 years. We don't see each other much but still get along. I don't regret anything about our relationship.
New Years Boy: We made out on new years one year ad I never heard from him. I then found out he told people we slept together. The next year he was at the same new years party I was at but I didn't recognize him.
CRB: Confusing Relationship boy. We met when I was 12 but we've gone long periods of time without seeing each other. We have the most amazing chemistry but I am physically repulsed by him and he is so many things I can't stand in a person. Drama galore.

Bad

I want to invite the filmmaker over tonight when he's done work. However, it's not becasue I actually want to see him or spend time with him. It's beause I want a warm body with me on the couch. Bad sign and not nice of me.

Bored or tired?

1. I hate that like 3 days after Christmas there'll be a bunch of money in my bank. I still have one thing to buy for both my mom and niece and I'm almost out of money.

2. This does not bode well for going out on a date with the Filmmaker. The gallery sticks as an idea because it's free (for me and I have an extra pass).

3. I really hope I find what I want for my niece. And I can afford it.

4. I have no idea what I want to get for my mom.

5. My cat's going a bit looney and I'm not sure why.

6. I need to eat better. If only because I need to continue to actually fit my clothes.

7. I'm struggling with the idea of having a boyfriend (which I don't have).

8. I'm getting used to touch and my sex dive is pretty high. That's both good and bad.

9. I really like the girls I craft with.

Sick

I'm kind of fucking disgusted with myself right now. I have eaten so much food that I feel bloated and sick. It was all nutritionally void on top of that. ugh.

But I'm pretty sure I'm getting a laminator and a crock pot for christmas. That's happy but I still feel gross.

Mornings

I'm awake, showered and eating breakfast. Today I'm at the art gallery playing with kids. My energy must be high and a coffee is required. I felt a bit sick last night and ended up not doing anything. No going out with a girl from my class or the Filmmaker. Or even staying in with the Filmmaker. I'm insistant that our next date will not be in my house. My thinking maybe the gallery because it puts me at ease, but then anything outside is fine.

Last night as I was hanging out alone (TV, sorting presents) I kind of wanted him to be there. I want him to talk about something other than film, but not feel the need to roll my eyes at it. It's definately not his problem. He can talk about things other than film but I'm having a hard time not being judgemental. And then he talks and I only have listen while I consider my own reaction. That's not good.

Today when I get home I have a bunch of soap to make. I'm also going to buy some wrapping paper and wrap the gifts I already have. I need one more thing for my niece and a lot more for my mom. It's under control though. I also need some stickers or something for tags.

Finding something

Last night was very nice. Very intimate. Orange was around first and we talked and relaxed. Then Lil boat, who brought me an awesome deck of tarot cards. Then Miranda and her man came (I need a name for him). Then a girl from my craft group came which is super awesome. That was all. We talked and looked at books and ate pandoro.

It was entirely different than Wednesday, but neither was better than the other. This morning a girl in my class (one who didn't come on Wednesday) sent me a message all about how awful her relationship is. And it's part becasue of her self-esteem issues, and part because he's not as sympathetic as she needs. But there's a kid involved and it's not bad enough to just throw away. I have no idea.

Last night Miranda and Orange kept asking where the Filmmaker was and stuff. I was not uncomfortable with it, but didn't want to talk about it too much. They wanted pictures and there was no way that was happening. I wouldn't tell them why. I'm still not really secure about it all. I'm not sure if I'm that attracted to him, looks or personality. I need to keep him out of my friends group for a little while.

After everyone left I answered a text of his from earlier in the evening and we ended up on the phone for a bit. I also got a text from CRB saying Merry Christmas. That pretty much means he was drunk or lonely or both. I didn't really know what to think about that. I don't trust that he has good motives at all.

Back to the Filmmaker. I do want to see him more. But I don't want to show him off. I don't want to gush. I'm just in really unfamiliar territory. I know everyone is excited for me and I'm trying really hard (kind of sucessfully) to relax about it. Maybe I want it to be ideal. I mean it's been along time. Maybe I want to be excited and just jump into it. That isn't this situation though.

He's not who I saw myself with. But then I don't know him super well yet. And some things about him are. The things that aren't though really aren't. I need to reconcile that. I'll be honest and say that not only is it new, it's scary. And I don't really want to involve other people in that fear. (Is it true that to get over it I need to?)

I want to go shopping but I'm not sure where. I really just want to buy myself stuff. Plus I have no work until Thursday and I don't want to get everything done this weekend and be bored all week.

I'm posting this from google so I don't log into it at work. I'm bored bored bored. I do have stuff to do but it's boring and frustrating. I'd rather be just bored. And I'm cold. It's cold outside and cold inside. It's so cold in my office I have my coat and scarf on which means I'll be super cold when I get outside.

People are coming over tonight and I don't feel excited (is this a theme?). My house is not as tidy as I want it to be and I have lots to do before people come over (tidy my room and the bathroom, dishes, move craft stuff off the table, vacuum, take out garbage, clean fridge). On top of it I just don't feel very well. I think my body is super mad at me for not feeding it well enough. Also, I went to get the Pandoro (Italian Christmas Cake) but they didn't have the exact type in the exact brand as I had in Italy so I was sad.

What else? The Filmmaker of course. Can't really blabber without including him. I was checking my myspace when he was over so he sent me to his. I didn't read it until yesterday. His religion is listed as "Christian - other". That deserves a question. I'm not sure when we're seeing each other next. That's kind of nice though. I know he has tomorrow off work but I said I had tentative plans even though I didn't. This was last weekend though when I was thinking I didn't want to see him again. I do now - want to see him, not have plans. Well I have plans to make soap and do some more Christmas shopping. Not real plans.

I think I want to do something other than watch a movie though. That's a routine easy to slip into and one with little opportunity to really talk. I need the talking to maintain my comfort and interest. Plus, I'm the one who keep suggesting movies. They're comfortable for me. And for him I suspect. I may text him tomorrow morning depending how I feel.

Last night we had this huge windstorm and it kept making me wake up. My windows were rattling so hard I was worried they were going to break. It was pretty crazy. But there's only an hour left in my day and I should finish the thing that's been frustrating me all day so I won't have to do it next week. Also, my boss only wants me here a day and a half next week so I have nearly the whole thing free because school is done for the holidays. That I an excited about.

two hours sleep

Yesterday after class most of us went over to one of my classmates house and got super drunk. Some key words (not all directly involved me): kissing, games, hickeys, whips, fetish, secrets, confessions, bonding, music, trust, breasts. A mis of things really. pretty crazy but also pretty amazing. I wasn't expecting the praise (of my body and personality) that I received from them at all. It felt kind of awesome.

But then, the most major thing. I called the Filmmaker, who happened to be downtown, and so he came to the house. He ended up walking one classmate to the skytrain because she was so drunk, then cabbing home with me and two others. He stayed with me and we watched movies until 6:40 am. I told him it was time to leave because I had to be at school at 9:30. There was some very minimal kissing involved.

So what does this mean? I know that he is now "the guy I'm dating". He knows I want proceed cautiously and I'm sorting my feelings out as I go. I pretty much ignored him at the party and he seemed to fend pretty well. He talked to people and most of the drunken reports were positive. I am still a little concerned that I'm not feeling that excited and that I'm hesitant but I'm working through it. I really want to make sure that if I end it I'm doing it because I don't feel things for him, rather than becasue I'm scared.

Money Issues

I'm going out with my whole class tonight but I have a problem. I'm not too sure what I'm going to do about it. Basically, I'm living off my credit card right now, which is fine because I get paid on Friday. Usually I can take cash out with my card but it's not working at all. Which would be fine if we were going to somewhere I could pay by credit. And I looked at my moms bank account and she doesn't have enough money to lend me any. sucks.

Wanting

This sounds kind of silly to say/write, but I feel really sexy today. It's a combination of my hair and what I was wearing and just a general feeling. I don't really have a place to express it though. It will remain just something for myself though.

It's weird remebering what it's like to have someone else touch you. I had got kind of used to being without it but just a tiny hint of it brings it all flooding back. And while I may not be excited about seeing the Filmmaker, I am certainly excited by what dating again could bring.

Next week I'm going to have a mini-party at home and am going out drinking (really) with everyone from school. I'm excited about both.

But I really would like to be excited about someone I could call, invite over and then have my way with for a little while.

blah blah blah

1. I wish I was out right now doing something fun.

2. I do not want to get up early and go do WHMIS tomorrow.

3. I'm 100% sure I will not fall for the FIlmmaker.

4. I'm 100% sure that the hint of touch I got last night is something I want.

5. I want to be excited about someone.

6. I got a package from Lily's family in England. I love them.

7. I want to date.

8. I'm not sure how to meet people to date.

9. I really wanted to like the Filmmaker. I feel disappointment.

10. I am tired. I also have to deal with an obligation I totally negelected tomorrow. I feel bad about it.

In need of rest

1. I thought I had told a classmate I couldn't work on a make-up job she's doing but I must not have. She thinks I'm still doing it but I can't.

2. I got another job but it's for a day I'm in school, which is silly becasue I never would have responded to the ad if I couldn't make the day.

3. I'm dying my hair on Friday. Bight red with gold highlights I think.

4. My room really needs to be cleaned.

5. My bathroom looks nice and has art in it.

6. I'm seeing the filmmaker tomorrow but I am not excited. I have to explain my behaviour on Saturday. I also am pretty sure I don't want to keep seeing him.

7. More on #6 later. maybe. I'm tired. and disappointed.

nothing

My ability to cry is gone. I want to sit and sob. Just cry with every bit of energy I have and I can't. I need the release I felt after it. But I think and I rationalize and put everything I want to cry about into neat little boxes and I keep going. I'm pretty sure this should make me happy but it doesn't. I just want to cry about things. Neat little boxes are not comfortable.

fuck

All I really want o do is swear. I bought make-up today. Did make-up last night. Both went well. But filmmaker and the fact that I'm totally procrastinating about my project tomorrow make me want to say fuck over and over again. really. fuck.

So I called

I've just gotten home from coffee with the Filmmaker. I feel very disconnected about it. He was pretty touchy. I know where he stands basically. But where do I stand? Well I was pretty neutral and unreadable I think. I mean I didn't stop it, but I also didn't initiate or progress it. I didn't want to either. I also think I slipped in a "when I went crazy..." statement too. I'm pretty sure he would have kissed me but I'm awesome at not letting that happen.

He asked if I was still nervous around him as we were parting. I said no, because he's just a person and I was being truthful. But I am nervous about the situation, which is what I think he sensed. I'm pretty sure he would have kissed me but I'm awesome at not letting that happen. I definitely don't like him as much as he likes me. And I may want to have sex like mad, but not with him. But we still have plans for Thursday.

I guess I don't know how to proceed. Should I just keep going as is? Should I say something about just wanting to be super casual? Or should I just say I'm not feeling it and end it there? He says things about really enjoying me but usually I respond with silence. or "thanks". I think I have to remeber boys are kind of stupid and you have to be really clear with them. But that would mean being clear with myself.

Actualyl I think I am pretty clear with how I feel. He's fine to talk to, but I don't really have the interest in anything more. did I just answer my own questions? It would be easier if I didn't like him at all, or didn't know that he liked me. I'm going to go watch a movie. This is bring up a lot of questions.

1. Does it bother me that he's not put off my my strange interests?
2. Am I ever going to want to kiss someone?
3. Am I ever going to like someone?
4. Shouldn't this be easier now that I know someone can like me?
5. Shouldn't his tolerance make him appealing?
6. What is it exactly that doesn't feel right?

Well this is a lot. Part of me just wants to say "look, I'm not sure if I'm interested in persuing this and I don't think it's fair for you to not know that". I don't know if that is either appropriate or necessary. Or what to do once it's been said. Maybe I'm feeling pressured to be more open becasue of him being so open, that it's making me too uncomfortable to be open. On the other hand, maybe I'm jusy purely not attracted enough to him to want to be open and that's that. I don't know how to tell them apart.

And I really want to be comfortable and open. really, I do. so much. Maybe, that in itself is a problem. ok. movie, now.

conflicting

I know I wanted to make things slow and not encourage creepily-familiar behaviour but I want to call the Filmmaker now and see if he wants to do coffee this afternoon. I was going to go downtown and shop but realize I shouldn't. I should still get out of the house though. hmm.

Distance and...

I didn't go into work today. I didn't feel good. I didn't really do anything either like I should have. As a result I have a list for tomorrow. I'm watching "30 days" online and I remember why I liked it so much.

I'm feeling lonely today I think. I spoke with Orange for a while and then my mom and when I hung up I felt like crying. I didn't though. I don't cry nearly as easily these days. It's a lot of things. My mom. My dad. England. School. The first two are sad. I just miss the third a lot. The fourth is awesome, but busy and almost over. Everything is stress, good and bad.

I'm thinking of the Filmmaker. Thinking about what it is I want. What it is I want from him, on Thursday. But also what I want from someone, in the next little while. What I want for Thursday is much clearer. A little bit. Surprisingly, I think I just want to have fun and see if there's any potential there. Yes, he's smart, Yes, he knows his film, but that's not enough to overcome the other things.

So maybe part of it is to see if I feel some sort of physical connection to him. That's more complicated though. That involves me relaxing. Not continually analyzing. Being open to the possibility. I don't want to incorporate the word vulnerable into a sentence. I am sure it's too early for that. It's hard for me to asses what I want when I am so worried about the implications of either. Are my feelings based on fear or a lack of chemisty? It's important to be able to distinguish that and I don't know if I can.

But I am going to try not to worry about that, at least until it's actually in my face. For now I have a major project to do on Monday and alot of prep work to do for it. My focus will be there for now. Or something.

added a few hours later: I kind of want to like the filmmaker. I go back and forth. dating vs. relationship. Maybe it's my post-mentrual hormones that are making me want to have sex and closeness so much. I want hand-holding and kissing. and sex. do I need to say it more? I already know what I'm going to wear on Thursday. My hesitation from early in the week feels to have fallen away. I'm going to watch the rest of this show and put nail polish on.