Well I still have no house. I'm still looking, but I'm just not happy with anything. Though I'm now doubting that I'll ever be. I've never thought that I hated my life more than I do right now. I'm also contemplating going back on medication, becasue I don't know how anything is going to get better. Something is biting me when I sleep, but my cat's on flea meds and I can't see any bed bugs on my bed at all. This part is like the last straw or something. It adds gross, physically uncomfortable, and other bad things to my list of suckiness. I don't know what to do if this is the case. It makes me feel really low about myself.

I'm contemplating moving into my moms spare room for a month so I have longer to find something. But this just upsets me. I'm going to be in other peoples space, with none of my own. Maybe the only good parts are saving money and being able to stay with my cat. And school got changed so it'll start in June. This gives me more time to save, but means more time at HK inc if I can get it. And I want it becasue of the money, but I don't want it because of the way full days here make me feel most times.

So over all I feel like crap. Every house I don't like is disappointing. Every morning when I feel itchy, I feel diseased. And when I think about the state of my life right now I feel like I'm letting people down or not being fun enough to be around. Plus I'm tired, and clumsy and unfocused. I am not having a good time right now at all, and I know it will end, I just can't see that point at all right now so it's really hard.

collapse

I lost things today. I couldn't focus. I cried. I feel like my whole life right now is a result of mistakes. moving away with Titania and Chatton, quitting UBC, spending money. So I was sad at work, and sad on the bus home. But then I got home, nearly in tears of worry, exhaustion, failure, and I checked my mail. Inside was a parcel from England. And I cried. all the way to my apartment. And inside my apartment. I couldn't even open it.

But eventually I did. Crazy british candy/sweets I love, and a tiny goose stuffie wearing bunny ears. I cried a load more.

I avoided msn. I didn't answer my phone. I just zoned out with tv and reading about crafting. Lacking the energy to actually do any myself.

On the house front: I got a no from one I really wanted; I haven't heard from one I would be happy in; I will know tomorrow afternoon about a third one; I didn't go see one tonight; I will see another on Sunday if I need to.

I need to sleep. I will probably cry again. greif of all kinds is hitting me hard.

drained

This morning I have a head ache. I still have no house. I am very stressed about having no house. It's kind of taking a toll on my self-esteem today. Like out of the few houses that I am ok with, none of those people think I am good enough.

I did get my hair cut and coloured this week though. However, I am getting paid a lot today and I wish I could go spend it but I have to put it on my line of credit. it's kind of depressing. No it's really depressing. I just want to go back to bed for a few more hours.

I don't feel like I have my life under control. I am handling a major amount of stress on several fronts. I'm working full-time at a job that makes me feel irritated and like I'm wasting my time. On the 20th I switch jobs though, and will be working 6 days a week at the spa until school starts on May 14th.

School is stress too. What if I suck at it. What if everyone else is boring or clique-y. And where am I getting the money from. I can pay in two installments but I still don't have the money.

And money. I can barely make my bills, my moms paying for groceries. It's going to be better this month because of all the work, but I do back to minimal hours with school. My rent will be cheaper but it's still not going to leave me with much.

However, that whole rent thing is stressful because I have no place to live yet. I have only seen two places I actually like (of 12 maybe). I'm waiting to hear about them sometime this week. I'm still looking at other things in case I don't get either of them. I've even started looking at places that won't take my cat because I am worried it's the only way I'll find something. She will go live with my mom until I can have her again.

And then there's filmmaker. I thought it was fine, but apparently it wasn't. He, with lots of work stress as a trigger, kind of freaked out on me on Monday. I totally said that it was unacceptable. I told him that if we were going to be friends at all we were going to have to not see each other so he could decompress. He had to understand that friends was my decision, and if he wasn't able to handle that, even in stress, than it wasn't going to happen at all. Some of the trust I gained disappeared.

I don't feel stable. I don't feel comfortable. I don't feel like anything is working. I am going to throw/give away a bunch of clothes and see if that helps. It's the only thing I feel I can exert any control over. And I really feel bad about spending so much of my inheritance. I totally fucked that up.

Filmmaker

After several long and honest talks I decided to give it it a chance. There were serious conditions. No boyfriend/girlfriend names. No sex. No pressure. Lots of honesty. Only seeing each other once a week or so. So that's been happening. We walked up the drive and had coffe last weekend. We are going for breakfast this weekend. I feel really happy about it. I feel like I am on my own and not burdening him, and when I do see/talk to him it's because I really want to and I really am enjoying it.

Just thought I should give that update.

Otherwise, moving sucks, houses are few and far between, HK inc. sucks, I want to be in school, and money sucks. WHere can I get $5000.00 in 4 weeks that doesn't involve banks or parents? legally. hmm.

Stress

1.a. The person who was going to take over my suite just backed out.

1.b. I don't know if my landlord will let me break my lease now.

2. I've seen three places and none were good.

3. 4 out of 5 places I email won't take my cat.

4. I am so so anxious about the audit at hk inc. this week.

5. I am sick with stress. I just want to throw up.

6. I saw Filmmaker this morning and I am so confused.

7. My antibiotics have given me an awful yeast infection.

8. I feel really cornered by things.