first date?

All these question marks in post titles shoudl tell you something.

Yesterday was supposed to be my day off. Instead I spent from 8 am to 3:30 between my two jobs. I wondered if I have made the right decision about my career, needing to love it, needing it to be creating, and having those things at the expense of money. I was stressed. The I was a half hour late for my doctors appointment but she saw me anyways.

I also talked to midge a bit in the morning. I also realized that I didn't bring a shirt to wear at the gym so I had to buy one as I had a personal training appointment at 6:30. After my apoointment was over, I showered and got pretty because I was going to be meeting CRB.

We ended up going for drinks (which he payed completely for)and talking. After about 3 hours I was exhausted because it was way past my bed time and it had been a crazy day so I was just tired. And he could tell. I was also kind of drunk. I think he could also tell that.

So I guess the bottom line is that he really likes me still. He is recently broken up with his girlfriend, and they were living together so there's that situation still on going. I have no problems with exes usually, but ones that guys are still living with is a problem.

We talked a lot about our past and why things may not have ever happened at many points over the years. We also acknowledges that we weren't sure if we were meeting just to catch up, for a date, or to sleep together. Well there was no actual mention of sleeping together, but the suggestion was there and the touching preliminaries also were.

Today he asked if we could see each other but I am busy and we're both busy friday and saturday. He made it really clear he wants to see me again and soon. and for dating. seriously. it's strange. and I'm hesitant on so many levels, but no more hesitant than I would be with someone who I didn't have this huge history with.

I just don't want to end up in a relationship that I was never really fully committed to and then have to end it and have disasterous results.

When we were 12 I had no idea that he liked me nearly as much as he did. And he always felt he had lost and missed out on something major with me. That's strange to hear.

insanity prevails

completely unrelated to the happenings with CRB, which are basically at a halt until he decides he has time for me, I had a fun if painful day.

My boss gave me the day off, but I had to open and close the spa with a receptionist who used to work there and is now back. Just go over things with her and be the one with the keys. During the day I was free, but needed to be around the spa in case I was needed.

After opening I went to the gym. Did a bit over an hour of cardio, weights and stretching. All the while blasting my ipod shuffle (who knew Tegan and sara were so awesome for the gym?) and deciding how I was going to spend my day. The thought of getting a tattoo came to mind but I wasn't sure if I had the extra money.

After the gym I showered and went back to work. I found the inspiration image for the tattoo I wanted, check my bank accounts, worked out the pay cheques I'd be getting this week and decided I could do it. I just needed to find an artist with time and skills.

So I took a walk with the printed image and found someone available whose work looked good, clean and bright. Then I went back to work, got a brazilian and wondered if it or the tattoo would be more painful. Turns out they were about even. After that I got a wrap for lunch, went to the bank, and then to the tattoo shop.

The tattoo artist ended up being totally awesome and made the piece exactly what I wanted and incorporated a bit of his own style into the colouring, something I totally appreciate. He was also great to talk to as things were going, and really liked doing the piece. I'll be getting a second piece to match by him when I get my tax return in march.

Then I went back to work, closed and have spend the evening watching tv and snacking. A pretty awesome day. Lots of things in my head other than this but a tattoo was the perfect distraction.

panic sets in

fuck fuck fuck. I just need to relax. It's very hard to tell the tone of what someone writes in a text message. This is why I am better off finding a way to accept being alone forever. there are so many possibilities and variables, I need to not think about anything until he reaches to me. I have to accept that things are not in my hands. I need to breathe deeply and not feel lonely and like my life is lacking intimacy. And I need to get it clear out of my head that he will ever solve those two things unless he actually does by repeated and concrete actions. Not by text message alone.

lonely?

A text message conversation I am going to go to bed without analyzing to death. My texts are by memory because my phone doesn't save my sent messages. I should change this.

Me: I had an inappropriate dream about you last night?
CRB: oooh do tell
me: just things we never actually did. at least with each other
CRB: Shame
me: really now?
crb: don't you think?
me: sometimes.
cbr: yea, me too
me: hmm
crb: hmm what?
me: nothing. It's been a long week.
crb: and you need to destress.
me: I don't know what I need anymore.
crb: huh?
me: (hesitating and not sending a message)
crb: well if there is anything I can do to help just let me know hun.
me: don't get me thinking.
crb: that's the point
me: really?
crb: wouldn't be saying it if I didn't mean it.
me: ok then
crb: ok then
crb: And at least that way you know you have options
me: more than I was realistically expecting
crb: and what did you expect?
me: honestly? to talk and find out we don't connect like we used to and then not talk again.
crb: and the next question. now what would you like?
me: big question
crb: yup...which is why I ask
me: I guess I never really know with you. maybe that's why I still do this.
me: I'm being honest. I have nothing to lose.
me: and when I do I always fuck it up anyways. (or something like this, I can't quite remember.)
crb: yea I tend to do that as well. just when things are going good too. And I as well have nothing to lose.
crb: And what is it you want?
me: to talk? and that night you spent at my house but without the girlfriend that hates me. what do you want?
crb: well no need to worry about the girlfriend part. I don't have one. I'm happy with anything and everything.
me: well on that I am going to go to sleep. we'll talk in a few days?
crb: for sure. have a goodnight...and keep up the good dreams.
me: thanks but I can't promise anything.

I am alternating smiling and taking deep soothing breaths. But my room is clean minus vacuuming and hamster cage. Off to watch the rest of "An American Werewolf in London". Tomorrow is gym, work, and then evening with Zebra.

before bed

1. I am now a person who goes to the gym 4 or 5 times a week.

2. This blog needs a makeover.

3. I just want to be happy, it doesn't matter how.

4. A single voice can take you back in time.

5. I blame a crazy ex for my stress about being a girlfriend.

hopes

Tomorrow I am going to go to the location of my gym that is by my house. I've never been before but I'm not wanting to go downtown tomorrow. It's my day off and I'm going to behave like it is.

I know they have a steam room and I am really hoping it is not co-ed because I currently have no bathing suit. I want to be able to go inside it all sore and sweaty in just a towel and relax. Just close my eyes and dream about something.

Texting CRB gave the results I truthfully expected. Small messages ensuring we are still friends, but nothing to say he actually misses me or wants to see me. I know this is what I should have been expecting. I know if I got more, I would have realized that it wasn't what I wanted at all.

I'm keeping secrets. hamsters, work, money, love. I just don't know how to fix things. I'm clinging to what makes me happy. And trying to think about how to get rid of the secrets without actually revealing them.