short list

1. Tomorrow is my last official day of school. I still have four theory tests to write, but I can do those on my own time. I feel mostly prepared. Slow, but technically good.

2. I think I am taking out my need for sex on my hair. It constantly needs to be changed. Zebra says this is ok as long as I don't shave it all of. Which I won't.

3. I'm not sure if I have money to pay my rent because my work schedule has been wierd and pay day is almost a week after the 1st. This doesn't seem to affect my spending habits though.

4. I need to shop for a wedding outfit, but I have no time and it's getting close. I also need to return those shoes (which will be too small for Midge).

5. I am exhausted but somehow alert. That said, I've been a little klutzy and teary so that signals an impending breakdown. I've decided my day off will be Tuesday.

Monday Morning

I think I've re-developed the healthy habit of getting up in the morning with enough time to eat, relax and get ready without any rushing or being late for things. I mean I have an hour before I need to leave the house and I've made breakfast, showered, talked to my roommate, played online. I still have to do my hair and make-up, pack my bag, do dishes and make lunch. But all in a totally manageable time frame.

Last night while I was trying to fall asleep, I had all sorts of things I wanted to say but this morning none of them are still in my head. hmm. I went and spent a lot of money on Saturday because I was bored, lonely, and kind of depressed. Most of it was clothes, which I do need, but I'm taking back on of the pairs of shoes. They are cute, but not really work appropriate, and I need comfy black shoes for work.

I talked to my boss yesterday at work and she is happy to teach me to do eyelash extensions (yay!) and airbrush tanning if I want to learn.

That's really it I guess. I'm lonely and want to date , but I feel too busy to really make time for other people, especially ones I don't know, and I don't know how to meet people. It's a complicated problem. Plus I'm pretty sure it'll speed into a relationship and then I'll freak out and end it. ugh.

Hair

My hair got coloured last night and looks really nice. Just a little bit darker and a little bit more violet than before. And a perfect mix of what I wanted and what is appropriate.

I'm thinking of doing something completely different with my make-up today for school, but with the new hair I'm not sure if it'll be overkill. I had a dream last night where someone called my hair immature for being such an unnatural colour.

Otherwise things are ok. I got some serious positive feedback from my teacher yesterday so I'm feeling good about that. I must go finish getting ready for school though. Whether it's different or not my hair and make-up still have to be done. And I'm hungry for breakfast.

rant

Ok, so there's seriously nothing like facebook to make one feel like a failure. People I graduated with are married, having kids, buying houses, all that adult shit. And I seriously don't think I have a single friend who is admittedly single, and also not completely depressed about it. It makes me want to scream a bit. Or shake my head in shame/frustration/regret.

I have to spread the rest of my dads ashes this next weekend and I don't want to. Is it possible that it's actually taken this long for me to get angry about it? But my sister needs to do it because she feels bad for leaving it this long. I want to ask her if she feels like his death was completely unfair. And I don't mean unfair to him. I mean unfair to her and her son and to me.

And I want to ask Miranda something that I'm not sure she can handle. Her Dad died when we were 16, now she's getting married next summer. I want to ask her if it's hard to get married without her dad here and knowing. I have this sense that every step forward I have will be darkened by me wishing my dad was there.

I'm thinking faster than I can type.

I've been watching "Six Feet Under" and they always imagine their dad/husband and have conversations and stuff. I don't have anything like that. I never get a sense that he's "with me" or whatever. My mom says she has conversations with him. I don't have that. There's not this spiritual presence. There's nothing.

And I know my mom loves me unconditionally and all that stuff, but it's different. ( I don't want to expand on this now or I will dream about her not being nice to me and I will feel like shit in the morning)

I'm worried we're going to do all this ashes thing and I'm going to get totally panicked and loopy and it's going to be all about me. When it's really all for them to feel closure. And I get and respect that but it's not going to do anything for me. I feel like I've done this ashes thing already (my sister and I did a small amount of them about 6 weeks after the funeral so technically I have) and it didn't do much. It was funny and ridiculous, but nothing helpful or anything. You'd think spreading ashes would be this real and tangible ritual but it's entirely surreal and abstract.

And I will never be able to go to another funeral it feels like. I've already missed two important ones. I am scarred by the experience of this one. I'm sure it wasn't nearly as bad as I remember it but I can't think of a single good thing about it. Except maybe having one of my friends be the first person to ask me how my year away was. And maybe dancing with my nephew when we were picking the songs to be played.

I think my dad and I were always slightly separate from everyone else. We bought the weird arty gifts. We couldn't just make a simple green salad or cheese plate. Everything had to be eclectic and unusual.

I think it was Christmas where all of this stuff came back. I was so fucked up on Christmas the year before (the first christmas after his death) because of medication and quitting school and stuff, that I don't really remember anything. And this last Christmas I remember feeling lonely. And that's a shitty thing to feel at Christmas when you actually have a lot of people around.

How did this all start with fucking facebook? I'm going to go do a crossword and then sleep. This sucks.

Added at 12:11: And fuck you to everyone who is having sex tonight because I hate you. Especially the people in my house. But this does not include people having bad sex. I would prefer no sex to bad sex and if I change my mind about that in the future ask me to examine what I am thinking.

Four days

I've been thinking of posting most of this weekend but haven't. clearly. Until now that is. I'm still not too sure that I can now. I don't really know where I am right now.

The quick version of thoughts I can't feel I can articulate.
1. my dad, his birthday
2. love/lack
3. future
4. taking things personally
5. being someone else's priority
6. loneliness
7. indulgence
8. constantly searching
9. constantly missing "something"
10. touch
11. confusion
12. displacement
13. laziness
14. distraction
15. selfishness
16. self pity
17. self care

It's been overwhelming. I don't know how rested I feel at all. Luckily it's a short week.