Just a little

1. If you haven't heard John Vanderslice, go listen to his album "Pixel Revolt". I'm loving it right now.

2. I had a bit of a shopping binge today. Good stuff though and nothing stupid.

3. I'm thinking and talking a lot about my dad. It's a combination of christmas and my mom being sick.

4. I want to go out drinking or get a massage. One is cheaper than the other but one is less risky.

5. Snow is still all over the place and I still want to have sex. alot.

Snippets

1. My friends at school think the Filmmaker shouldn't get a second chance.

2. I called the Filmmaker tonight (he didn't call me "dear" or anything similar) and we are going out next week. No exact plans yet, just the date.

3. Some of my mom's preliminary tests say she's diabetic. It's been a rough week for her and this complicates things way more.

4. I'm doing drag make-up this weekend and I am excited about it. Paid job too.

5. The snow is everywhere and I want to have sex.

Snow Day

Well my school and work are both closed. All the universities are closed, as are most of the private schools. It really doesn't look like the snow is that bad though and I kind of wanted to go to school today. I feel bored. yuck. A girl from my class just called and she went to school becasue it's not open when she leaves home so she's in town and a few of us might get together and do something later. I'm also thinking ofheading to the other end of town (yes, I'm crazy) to buy some yarn to finish a big project I haven't worked on in ages.

Warmth

Today it is snowing and I feel all sick and crampy. I would love to have someone who would just come to me with movies and hang out on the couch with me. But I don't. I also don't think that the Filmmaker is someone I want to be that person. I'm kind of disappointed.

Closer to the roots

Orange and I talked a lot tonight as usual. Here's some notes.

1. If I really liked someone it wouldn't matter at all what shoes he wore.

2. I want to feel excited about the guy I'm dating.

3. I want to go on more first dates.

4. I am going to go on a second date with the filmmaker.

5. I do have some reservations about the Filmmakers personality.

6. He seems to be a lot more interested in me than I am in him.

7. He's called me "dear" and that's not really cool with me at this point.

8. I am feeling conflicted on dating vs. relationship.

9. I want dating to meet different kinds of people and see what is out there.

10. I want relationship for intimacy and sex.

11. I want a guy to add to my life, not just fit into it.

That's all for today. I am going to try to knit a bit and watch some late night tv.

Action/Inaction

I just bought a little hand vaccum and it makes me happy. My house feels cleaner.

I went out with Miranda and that was good. I didn't talk at all about me being shallow but we did talk in general about me dating and The Filmmaker. While we were wandering the Bay looking for a dress for Miranda the Filmmaker called. He wanted to know what I was doing tomorrow but I already have plans with Blondie. But I was kind of distracted (by black velvet blazers) and said I was busy and got some bad news that left me a little scatterered and would be in touch.

After coming home and thinking about it I felt kind of like I appeared to brush him off. I didn't think that was very nice because I will see him again, I'm just busy. If I'm going to do this whole dating thing I should at least be honest if I don't intend on seeing someone again.

So I called him back (a few hours later) to explain a bit. I kept it really short (really, I did!) and said that my mom might be sick and that my dad died just over a year ago and that the news had left me a little fucked up. I didn't mention that my dads death lead to my going a bit crazy and I'm worried I will react similarly if things with my mom progess negatively but it's true. He said he understood and that I should just call him when I have some time and want to do coffee or a movie.

He also said that he "really liked" me and wanted to see me again. OK, I believe it's true and possible, but I think the part that concerns me is how he knows so soon. I just can't say that about someone after meeting them once. I mean this morning to Miranda I could say things like "He seems smart so far" and "he's really into film, which is good, but has a generic taste in music". I mean he's nice but I couldn't say I really like him in any way.

must go and eat before Orange gets here. We're going to Value Village tonight.

Rushing

I'm running late but I am still writing here.

I called Miranda last night and asked to go for breakfast. She fit me into her busy study schedule. I'm going to talk to her about some of this and see why she she had no problem setting Titania up but never considered me. Plus I just want to talk to her a bit.

Something I don't really want to talk about yet but feel compelled to: My mom has two lumps in her breasts and her lymphnodes are swollen. She goes into the hospital on December 12th for a biopsy and two other screening tests. Two major thing are in my head.
1. I can't lose two parents.
2. They said my dad would be alright too.
I am waiting to really freak out and think about it until after the tests when we actually know what's going on for sure.

Thinking

I've still reached no conclusion on Filmmaker. In some ways I feel it is something I should continue with just to get my dating comfort level up. In other ways I don't think I should if I'm not really into it. I talked about it with Orange a bit last night but didn't really get into what I was thinking as much as I probably should have.

It's not like going on a second date is a big deal anyways. right? Plus, the things that are bothering me are superficial and silly. I wonder if I'd not want to make a friend with the same type of circumstances. Either way I'm mean.

Despite all this pondering I know part of my fear is that if I do go forward there will be more expectitions and more newness and that makes me nervous. Also, I do have an internal voice telling me that I can't be picky. Like I don't have the priviledge of being so. It's not like I have other potential boys in the wings.

But maybe in that lies the solution. Go on a second date and find other people to have more first dates with. A challenge yes, but a good idea in the long run. And it's not leading the filmmaker on at all. Who knows, maybe he'll find out about my hate of hiking boots and fleece (and my feelings that he needs a hair cut) and decide he doesn't like me.

A problem with that solution is that I'm not sure how to meet other guys. I'm pretty busy in general with extra things but none of them are really boy friendly. Hmm. I will have to think of this one more. And email the filmmaker.

Edited to add:
1. I know there are intersting guys with style in this city - some of them must be single.
2. I'm worried that if I don't do this I'll be alone forever and this is my one chance at a relationship. I know this one is wrong but I still think it. I really want someone right now but I also can't have that mean I'm settleing. am I thinking about this way to hard? it's only a second date right? equally, they're just clothes right?

A First Date

I feel kind of sick. I find fault in everything. We have stuff in common but I'm shallow. (He wears fleece and hiking boots). We did talk very well together though. No silences until waiting for the bus. I totally agreed to going out again but backed off from all attempts at touching. He also suggested staying out longer but I said I wanted to go home. I kept getting complimented and it made me uncomfortable. I felt on the spot and unsure how to proceed. I need to talk it out with some people I think.

He was what I was expecting I guess and did remind me of CRB in some ways but smarter. And he loves what he does which is good. but hmm. I feel anxious.

Preparing

This is quick just to say that tomorrow I am going for coffee with the Filmmaker. We talked on the phone and he sounded suspiciously sincere and as I've been thinking about it reminded me a lot of CRB in that you never really knew what he was thinking. He also sounded excited. I feel that's a bad thing and it worries me. I'm sure I'll post tomorrow as soon as I get home.

At home

I'm glad to be home and able to stay here for a bit. Just to clean and organize myself a bit. I wanted to add some things to my last post because I was at work and had to keep it short.

1. The things I was concerned about in the Filmmakers email were " I just got [my computer] back up and running today. So the first thing I had to do was email you." and "I hope you are still interested in getting together sometime soon. I've been
thinking about you." I'm not comfortable with my own instincts and don't really know if I should be worried or excited. hmm.

2. What I spent my money on: Printer Ink, a bag for school, a sweater, dinner, lunch x2, getting my hair curled, curl gel, a tank top, an empty eyeshadow palette, empty capsules for blood, 5 magazines, bathing suit. It's a strange list. Most was on sale/cheap or relate to school so I don't "regret" the purchases and I've already used most of the material items. Plus my hair made me look and feel super hot. Hmm about this too.

Excited and irresponsible

First, the Filmmaker emailed. He said nice (maybe too nice?) things and still wants to go for drinks. This is good and we will go for drinks.

Second, I spent my entire paycheque in three days. I'm not really sure how but it's gone. I got things I needed but no food or bills. I'm an idiot really and just got carried away. A bunch of it is for school, which is how it all happened. But ya. I'm irresponsible.

A quick list

1. So far the week is good.

2. I got my hair done tonight and it's curly and super cute.

3. Lil boat and I are going to a concert next week. I might drink.

4. I'm not longer anticipating hearing from the Filmmaker.

5. Tomorrow I am going to spend the night at Midge's hotel room.

6. I'm excited about the make-up job I am doing on Friday.

7. I am going to get back on Weightwatchers starting Saturday.

8. I really want to shop but I am going to stick to priority items.

9. I feel more social already.

10. I have dates set for the craft group.

Centered

I emailed Midge this monring and she called me today so we talked a bit. She's actually in town this week so we are going to go for dinner. Just the two of us I think. Either way it'll be good for catching up. And if it is with other people it's friends I haven't seen in a long while which is also good.

Orange kind of dated Farmer's boyfriends roommate a while ago. It ended well though from what I've been explained. Farmer invited me out dancing with others for his borthday and so Orange came with me. It was a fun night overall.

Anyways, lil boat and Ice Hockey are on my short list for the Be Good Tanyas concert. I'm not sure if it's appropriate to ask Ice Hockey though. Also, I know Orange knows I want to go but he's never been to a concert before (yes, never!!!!!) and didn't show any interest in going. I'd love him to come because it'll be so good but I should use it as an opportunity to expand my friendship circle. I worry I depend on him too much.

I must leave now and wear my rain shoes to walk to my mom's house. A turkey dinner in waiting for me. Well I'll eat everything but turkey. really I'm just after the mashed potatoes and gravy (not the kind from the turkey though.

realization

I've been watching "What's Eating Gilbert Grape?" and it occured to me that my tears and frustration are not my depression. It's different because I know exactly what I'm sad about. Before I didn't know at all. It was just this great overwhelming feeling of sadness. Now it's insecurity, on all fronts. The realization that I know what it is now is actually really comforting. Maybe more comforting is that I know I can change it and I want to. That's different too.

But how to change it is not something I know yet.

I do want to be going out more but I don't know where. It's not like I wish I went to such-and-such place more. I miss that about England. I had multiple places I liked to go. Here I don't. It's just shopping, which I can't afford to do. And watching movies at home. alone. I have to find new places. or something. Neither of that involves meeting people, or even spending time with them.

Do I just call friends and say "I want to go out. Let's do something."? Can I just do that? What do I have to offer that makes other people want to spend time with me? I know there's something though. I'm told there is.

If I had $1000.00 I'd buy a plane ticket in a second.

People don't really stay in my life though. I have to get over that idea. And the one that I'm separate from everyone. And that I'd be more fun if I started drinking again. I've been wanting to drink again. I see other people drink and I get it. There's this happiness and this freedom. I miss that. I feel the happiness these days but not the freedom. I'm always aware of something that holds it back.

I didn't want to end up crying. really. I want to feel positive and happy and sucessful. I know somewhere it's in me. really. I want to go to the Be Good Tanyas show at the end of the month really bad. I don't have anyone to go with though. Titania would go but I'm not ready for that. My Dad would go. That's not useful though. I don't know what else to do though. I guess I should just ask people but I don't know anyone who would want to go. Kind of in circles really.

I know the money issues are part of my sadness. I don't feel like I can do anything when I'm broke. No coffee, no shopping, nothing. I'm happy for Orange. I was jealous of Chatton but not of Orange. There's something true about his happiness. And I do want to meet the boy. And be fun and not serious. I know I can do it.

I dropped volunteering at the gallery every weekend. I think that was good in terms of time but not for my interacting-with-people stuff. Same with the craft group. I really came out of last winter with this attitude of doing what made me happy. I think I've lost some of that. The playfulness. I need it back. I need to stop with all of the seriousness. It'll be good for me and make me more fun to be around. I'll never be able to let go of it all, nor would I even want to, but I can put it aside when it's unnecessary.

But I do know my environment would help that along. More time with people gives me less time to think about myself. The amount of introspection I'm doing these days is a bit much really. (that must be like the 15th time I've typed 'really'.)

Ok, five steps for the next few days to help this:
1. Email Midge to catch up. I'm not sure why that's fallen away.
2. FInd some one to see Be Good Tanyas with.
3. Think of ways to meet guys (ie. not craft group)
4. Take care of the piles of small things to do and open ALL mail.
5. Get back to crafting so the swaps aren't weighing on me.

Today, I am greatful for:
1. My ceiling not leaking.
2. New rain safe shoes.
3. Downloading TV online.
4. My apartment being mine and pretty and tidy.
5. Cooking and having leftovers

Today, I acknowledge myself for:
1. Trying to feel better - honestly and actively.
2. Putting the kitchen stuff away
3. Practising my bruising
4. not obsessing about the filmmaker (really.)
5. starting to get back to things I care about.

Saturdays

I'm home and bored. I have some practical things to do, which I am slowly doing but I still feel bored. And lonely. I called Orange to see if he wanted to go thrifting a bit but I forgot that he actually works today. I called Miranda but she's got exams this week and a stagette to go to tonight. I don't really know who else to call.

I haven't heard from the Filmmaker so I've been thinking about other ways to meet people. I'm a bit stumped. I know I need to go out more but I'm not sure where. I feel like I'm in a position to create a new social life because I don't really have one. At the same time, I don't really have a guide to create one.

I guess I don't really feel like thinking this over a lot right now. I just need to get out and have fun a bit more. And cheap fun too, where there's opportunity to meet people I don't know. I know I miss craft group but that only fills part of what I'm after.

Irritation

1. I did a mini interview with Holt's and don't really want the job now.

2. I decided to apply at MAC.

3. I took a volunteer two-day film job but the woman who's doing it is an idiot. She keeps giving me odd information and doesn't understand how hiring a make-up artist works and it's so confusing that I want to just tell her to forget it. I'm not going to becasue even if it's crap it's a film on my resume. I'm not even getting paid and am just getting a tiny kit fee to cover the cost of my product. blah.

4. Orange came over and we talked and crafted for a long while on Tuesday night. It was good.

5. I'm looking for another job. I'm just too broke and I've cut down on the coffee and eating Lunch out. My expenses are high and I just need more of it to live.

6. I am going to go watch "what not to wear" and stuff envelopes (paid by HK inc.) and take pictures of scarves so I can try selling them for extra money.

Restlessness

I kind of want to skip dating. I just want to get ot the making out part. It's unfortunate in a way that I can't. I'm losing interest in the possibility of the Filmmaker. He was moving this weekend so I wasn't expecting to hear from him but I'm not as interested anymore. I'm trying not to get my hopes up with it and I think that has resulted in me not caring at all. I kind of feel like moving on but I don't really know what a next step is.

I'm feeling better today. The morning started off low but got better. I talked to my teacher about some of my school insecurities and she helped a bit. I also come home to make-up in the mail which is always good. I've been relaxing and getting ready for my interview tomorrow since getting home. Just kind of hanging around in near-nakedness feeling like myself.

I made a scarf for a girl in my class and now my teacher wants one too. that's motivating me to get some new things online and try to make some extra money that way. Ultimately though my goal is extra income through make-up. That would feel best.

Actually, untimately my goal is to have enough money to live through the rest of school, stay positive and actually date a few people. That's my three things. No, I'll add spend more time with friends as a fourth. No more freaking out over one bad incedent, especially if it's not really that bad at all.

Restlessness relates to me wanting to be with people. I want to be out talking and being funny and light-hearted. (This is kind of what I'm talking about when I talk about my moods being a little crazy). But instead I'm going to watch tv, have a bowl of cereal and find some new stuff to wank to. It's a start at least. Tomrrow I will work on the being more light-hearted and thinking of how I can start dating.

3 in one day

So I am feeling a bit better. I'm still feeling not super great about my abilities to succeed but I'm feeling better about my ability to be positive about it.

What helped? Making a scarf, talking to Orange (who can somehow be both comforting and honest), reading fashion magazines and doing my cosmetics resume. I need to remember all of that for next time. Seeing a trailer for "happy feet" didn't hurt at all either.

Tomorrow at lunch I have some things to do (mainly get the craft group meeting again) and I think I'm going to leave one of my gallery jobs. This will give me more time to either work or keep myself relaxed and happy. I think maybe I lost focus on what I need to be happy and got caught up practical things between the move, money issues and school. I think I get caught is being upset about how much work it is for me to just enjoy my life. Rather than working to keep myself happy I mope about having to work for it. And shopping and eating out are not ways to keep me happy right now so I need to focus on replacements for them. And seeing friends more. I don't feel like I have many right now but I have some and should see them once in a while.

in need of comfort

I didn't go to the art gallery. I'm thinking about quitting there. That's hard. I really think I found some sort of inpiration and sanity. Today I don't feel inspired or sane. I feel confused and alone. I know that I'm not technically alone but at the same time no one's here. I barely even feel like I am.

All the consolation my mom gives me is that this is how things are and we just have to keep going. That's no comfort to me. Some days it's like I'm so entirely present and clear about my path. But times like this I can't even really identify the path. I'm confused about why I'm doing anything and who is in my life. Self-doubt is so abound I can't even begin to talk myself out of it. I can't identify the positive things at all yet I know none of these feelings are really my reality.

I kind of want to be back im my place of denile and craziness. Doing whatever I want just because it makes me happy and keeps me distracted. I went to get some groceries and I was not good in the store. I was unfocused and just not here. My head is elsewhere. I'm not feeling connected to my life.

I want to be back in therapy where you can just sit and talk and someone else is asking you all the questions to give you perspective. And I can't ask any of my friends to do it for me. The list of people is so short these days and everyone has there own lives that are just as busy or even busier than mine. I can't, and don't, blame them for not coming to my rescue. I don't expect them just to know what I need and know that if I want something I have to ask.

But I can't ask for what I want. What I want isn't reality. But then maybe on a level all I want is for someone to just give me a hug and spend time with me. Because really there's not too mcuh wrong with my life. The major thing is that I'm slowly getting more and more broke and can not afford to live. Which is scary but it's not part of me. I know it'll be better in the new year and a second job will go a long way to helping. But someone to comfort me and to tell me everything is going to be good despite both of us knowing that it kind of already is would go a long way to helping me feel it.

Plus I want to be fun wtih my friends. I want to be light and happy and be someone they actually enjoy having around. I don't feel I do that (and is potentially why I have so few right now). I'm this ball of seriousness trying to fix problems that are all in my head and can't separate myself from them long enough to...well do anything really. Instead I isolate myself, spill everything to no one and listen to the same song on repeat so it's as if time isn't passing at all.

I'm going to go have some food and drink tea and craft and watch a bad made-for-tv movie. As for the rest of this I have no idea. I don't know what it would take to really break me out of this. I don't even think a plane tcket would do these days. That's hard too.

In need of downtime

I've slept for about 12 hours and still don't feel rested. I feel like I've been too guided my my emotions and one single event. I'm exhausted by the energy it is taking. I'm supposed to be volunteering at the art gallery today but Ijust don't think I'm going to be able to make it in. I want to spend some time cleaning my house and getting it back in order and I have other stuff (crafting for money) I need to do.

I just don't really feel in control I guess. I now there'll always be things I can't control but right now they're really determining my mood. I feel weighed down.

Negative Consistancy

Just as I'm feeling better and excited and like I can and want to manage everything something I'm just not prepared for happens. My house is in disarray, I'm overwhelmed, overtired and still have so much to do to prepare for tomorrow. None of this was even avoidable. I hardly even have the energy to cry about it. I keep thinking about everything I have to do and how dry my hands feel. This sucks. Plus I just can't cook tonight so I'm ordering out even though I'm super broke. this sucks a lot.

Feeling It

I feel back on track make-up wise. This week has made me feel much more confident and prepared than I felt after last week. I have a bunch of things coming up (contests, fashion shows, interviews) and I really want to get on building my portfolio. That requires some money though and that's not something I have extra of right now.

But I was flipping through some magazines and I felt inspired and like there's a place for me in the industry I want into. They also reassure my decision to move to England (if I can work out visas). That brings up other issues (why am I thinking of dating?) but I'm trying to do that whole living-in-the-moment thing I'm not-so-good at.

But I'm feeling ok. I feel both excited and exhausted today. And I don't really get a break either. It's another long and busy week. Between school, work, the gallery and other make-up related events it's a lot but it's fun. I'm also trying to really keep my evenings to myself so I can relax and chill with my cat.

Today I had paint all over me from the assignment at school and I felt kind of like an artist. Good idea and good execution. It was a good feeling. One I really needed to have to feel reassured about my abilities. I think I inhaled too many paint fumes today - I feel a little rambly.