betrayal

I wrote on paper yesterday. I end up crying more that way. I just can't quite write down here what I need to be writing down. I'm remebering too many of my dreams and I'm a definate down swing mood wise today. My makeup looks awesome though. I guess this means I'm taking a break from here and making a paper journal. I also wish I'd stop having dreams.

Abbreviated

1. I was going to go into work today but after a night of stressful dreams it's not happening. I have a little bit of work I can do from home though and I'll be going in tomorrow for sure.

2. I got a new tattoo on Tuesday and it's awesome.

3. I'm doing fine and just not feeling like posting. Things are going well though.

4. I'm very excited about school.

5. We're having our housewarming this weekend.

6. I have crafts to work on today.

7. Our last bit of unpacking was done yesterday.

8. The Knitter is a weekly presence in my life now.

Tears

I'm stressed and upset. I want to bury myself in fiction and run away from everything. I want to write long soul-bearing letters to strangers. I don't feel in control of things and it's that whole two steps back shit again.

Sleep

I'm stressed about going to councelling with my mom on Friday. It's going to be emotional and tiring.

I'm supposed to go to work today but I have a zit and it makes me not want to leave the house. I never used to be that kind of girl. It's still early though and I could go later.

I just don't feel that good today I guess and I want to stay sleeping but I won't. I've already showered and will at least sit in the yard for a while. I need a new book. I am back to reaqding and I like it.

Fucked up

Today I was doing Titanias make-up before she went to school and she mentioned that she went to the library with the Knitter today. I immediately felt jealous and just as quickly felt bad and then realized I'm being silly and insecure. I don't know what's wrong with me but it makes me feel bad.

I feel like my connections to people are somehow less then those other people make. Like I'm not as capable to make a really deep bond. And that makes me want to cry becasue these days it's that intimacy that's all I want. Why do I feel this why? Why do I feel apart? What am I doing to keep myself distanced?

Times like this I wish I was still in therapy. I feel kind of alone and empty even though I'm not. I have a need that's not being met but I don't know how to get it met.

I've obviously connected to both Starting Over and Dr. Phil a little too much today.

Otherwise the weather is out, I got lots done today and I felt great.