Still Over Full

I'm scared of applying at Mac. Everytime I go in to apply I wimp out. It's weird. I did apply to two other places today though, and am meeting with a model about some TFP work this month. That last part is super exciting becasue it's in make-up and will help build my book up.

I am also getting a new bigger bed tonight, so my full day got even more full.

Oh, and if I know the livejournal of the ex-wife, should I read it? or is it wrong? She didn't like being compared to me either. yuck. Filmmaker had a rough night becasue of it.

Over full

Well yesterday was stupid. FIlmmaker came over in the morning and we tried to sort things out. It was basically me telling him what I needed and the nature of my upset moments and giving him more about why they happen, or why they might happen. I did speak of the England confusion. He was good with all of it. He was confused a bit but said he thinks I'm worth it (hmm, this sounds like stuff from a month ago). He did ask why I'm even doing this whole dating thing though, and I couldn't give him an answer until last nightt.

Then I left home way later than I had hoped to, and then MAC was busy and I didn't have the right info to get what I needed and just feel apart. I just went home (via the grocery store) without getting anything done. Then, while at the grocery store, CRB phoned me. I told him I was having a bad day and didn't want to talk and he just said to call him sometime and not be a stranger.

As a result of getting nothing done yesterday, I have a crazy amount of stuff to do today. Hence why I am up this early and already showered. Following that I must go. Get dressed pretty, with make-up and all becasue I am going to go apply for the jobs I needed to apply to yesterday and then I need all the things I had to do today done as well.


And no new bed. And no filmmaker overnight until Wednesday.

Loaded

Hmm. So it's been over a week and there's lots going on. Today I feel sad and not hopeful, which is quite the opposite of yesterday.

I'm still not in a good money position. My mom paid me back some more so I'll have enough for rent, but everything after that is worrying and it's hard to know how to ration it out. I asked my credit card for an extension on my credit limit, but I didn't get it, which isn't that surprising really.

As per a discussion with Orange last week some more CD's are being sold because I never listen to them anyways.

Also on the list for today is resumes. I emailed a bunch out yesterday and I have three in person ones to do today. They are all decent jobs at reasonable pay, except one, but it's nearly guaranteed. But I'd prefer one of the others. I don't know. I mean I do know I'll feel better once I find other work but it'd be extra awesome if it's actually something I want to do for a while.

Last night I spent time with both Blondie and little boat, which was very nice. And I might be getting the new bed from Miranda this weekend, but I haven't heard from her so I'm not really sure. I have to actually clean my room and move the existing bed before that happens though. Tomorrow I have tons of prep work for my final practical assignment at school but Imight take a break and go out to Richmond to meet some Blythe collectors.

Bit there's filmmaker, which might be the source of my sadness this morning. Or much of it. I think I need to start at some sort of beginning. He knows a bit of about my dad, europe and coming home, but only the bare minimum, no details, no real feelings.

Last week and aunt of mine died and yesterday my mom and sister went to the island for her funeral. I didn't go. Instead I made a card and when FIlmmaker came over I was deciding what to write in it. He suggeted that I think about what people wrote me and what made me feel better. So I told him I never read any of the cards, or the guest book. His response was a non-judgemental "wow, you really haven't dealt with it". It didn't hit me at the time, but later, post-sex laying in my bed it did.

I brought up seriousness because he compared me to his ex in his life journal and I needed to tell him that it made me uncomfortable becasue I wanted to be good on my own, not becasue I was better than her. But that I also understood it's natural to compare and that his livejounrla is for his friends who have known him for a while. I understood that and said he can keep writing whatever he wants but to be aware when he's talking with me.

So then he brought up seriousness in exchange. I don't really know what he said but it was something about my dad and "how I am" and I just started crying becasue it's not that simple and I don't expect or even need him to understand. But I was upset and I wanted to tell him to go home. He wouldn't which was good, but I just can't explain it all.

I can't explain the I miss my dad for everything in the future that he won't be a part of. And I'm frustrated with my mom these days, but she's all I have but she can't give me what I need. I need the thoughtfulness of my dad. I needed it at Christmas, I needed it on my Birthday. I need it now becasue I'm stressed and broke and doing all these things I don't know about.

And I can't explain England. Because explaining England is telling him this must end. And that I'm never going to be satisfied and happy here. But it's also that I don't even have areality of England now. It's all far away and abstract and never going to be what I had. And how my dad and europe are connected. And how I kind of lost two lives in one day and I'm still trying to build a new one that I don't trust will ever be complete.

And yesterday morning he said he couldn't stay over because he had something to do this morning. It wasn't until the day progressed that I realized I was confused why he didn't tell me what. It might be becasue it's about his ex and he knows I don't always want to hear about her. But then as I was coming home I texted him to see if he was done work and to say hi but I didn't hear back. And then my head got filled with irrational insecurites. And maybe it still is.

And now he just texted me to say he's awake but I don't want him. I want my dad. I want to know that I can do this with no doubts about if I'll actually be able to do it like my mom has. But it's really hard to epxlain to someone who really wants to make you feel better and doesn't like seeing you sad. You can't tell them they're not enough. Especially when the not enough is because you need something bigger than anyone can give.

And I am dealing with things. but they are huge things and they are going to take a really really long time and they just can't be encapsulated into something small. And I'm working really really hard at it most times. I try to be really self-aware about it all. And it's not like it all started with my dad. It's hard to explain. Men like to fix things - say it's all go away. But it won't for me. It'll get better, easier, but it's won't go away.

And when he gets emoitional or insecure I get scared and almost paralyzed. I can't say anything, no matter something reassuring. I can't do what I know is necessary.

But I must do resumes today. I must make my hair and make-up look awesome. And I must get laundry done. And I must not spend any money that is not absolutely necessary.

The bad: I'm broke and feel helpless about it. I know I'm not but I feel that way. I have to buy some things for my final project but I can't afford to. I'm also just hoping that my internet and phone don't get cut off. I can pay a bit on the first but not until then. fuck. Also bad, I have a headache.

The good: Things with Filmmaker are going awesome. I'm getting a bit pre-occupied with if it's progressing normally but trying hard not to. I think we're going on a double date (weird.) with some of his friends on Friday. It's not at all confirmed. We're spending We're talking every day, even if just by text or email, but not seeing each other that often. We're probably seeing each other four nights out of seven. And then it's the whole night through to the morning. But we're not just having lots of sex. We're talking and laughing and being serious. We're both getting into each others lives and it really quite nice.

We've talked about me not being super affectionate and that's now in a comfortable place. I'm feeling better about it and as a result I am being more affectionate towards him. We've talked about it shoes and that I care even though I know it's shallow. That also came to a comfortable place where he acknowledges he could put more effort into it and if he wants to really be seen as a serious filmmaker, He's going to have to look that part. He wants me to go shopping with him next month. It sounds like a super risky idea but I won't tell him what to buy. I'll just take him into stores he might not usually go to so he can get a better idea of what's out there. I'll only give my opinion when asked. I really don't want him to do things just because I want him to.

I feel lucky. Lucky that I gave him a chance and didn't let my fear and judgements win. Lucky that he's immensely patient with me in many ways. Lucky that he's honest and doesn't leave me guessing about where he stands. Lucky that he is so sexually open. Lucky that I'm not focused on how this is going to come crashing down on me, but lucky I'm remaining in a state of reality.

How was that for gushing. I think I intended for this to be a post about sex but it wasn't. Last night we had slow sex. Like dreamy slow motion sex. I didn't at all expect him to be able to come at such a pace but he did. It's good. I was sleepy but wanting. Maybe it's the weather or my headache but I just don't feel like writing an explicit post about great sex. This is enough - in a good way.

Pictures

I started the day off in a sad and stressed mood. I am still stressed (more than I can handle really admitting) but not so sad. I want to spend hours organizing my flickr site, doing tags and sets and descriptions. It would make me happy in the long run I think. Or I could work on the school things I need to do. That's probably a more effective use of my time. Or looking for a job. ugh.

Anyways, I just wanted to post pictures of what I got this weekend.

Flower Pasties:


A few assorted condoms and lube samples:


Book of naughty crosswords (from Miranda for my birthday):


Soy candle that melts into an edible massage lotion:

16 hours

1: conversations about style and shoes

1: conversations about cheating

3: times the cat woke us up

5: number of condoms used

I didn't go to school today. I am feeling good. Awesome even. That's all for now.

Mystery

Well yesterday I posted about the funeral because I freaked out and couldn't go. It was awful and I was a huge mess. I don't know where the post went though.

I'm feeling better today though. Dinner last night was awesome and instead of dancing everyone just went home. FIlmmaker came home with me even though he had to be up at 5:00 this morning. We won't be seeing each other again until he finishes editing the movie he's shooting today. That's Tuesday or Wednesday, which sucks. I am getting very used to this sex thing.

But him and Mirandas man totally talked and a friend of Midges was there and she was awesome to get to know better. It was just really nice. And everyone kept saying how nice I looked. I got fun gifts and there's some gifts that I will get later. It's nice to have them spread out a bit.

That's it. just a bit of fast stuff. I am going to buy some yarn today and go to the sex show with Miranda. I must not spend a lot of money but I need to buy a few things.

I'm about to leave work to go to this stupid funeral that I do not want to be a part of. Filmmaker stayed over again last night which was nice becasue after tonight I won't see him again until Wednesday. The sex was rough but very good. I woke up angry because I just wanted to stay in bed a few more hours and was dreading the first half of my day. I want to just be excited about dinner.

So anyways, I grabbed what I thought was my ativan (lorazepam on the bottle) so I could stave off any anger and panic. Make it through in a haze of sedatives or something. But I just went to go take one and the bottle contains not lorazepam, but citalopram. That's an antidepressant which won't help at all. The lesson is to not only pay more attention, but to throw out old meds and finnally unpack all my bathroom/makeup/jewelry stuff so it all has a proper place.

So now I'm extra stressed because if I do panic I have nothing to get me through it. And all that makes me feel like panic is unavoidable.

ok, I must go now. I'm mad and I hate this. I feel like either throwing up or yelling. I don't get mad too often but this has me all worked up.

Unloading

Last night I was spoiled by FIlmmaker in the way that I wanted to be spoiled by my mom on Tuesday.

On Tuesday I went over to my mom's for dinner. I was expecting dinner to be made with me in mind but it was steak and spaghetti. First, I don't eat steak. Second, Spaghetti is like my lazy/poor dinner. It wasn't even fancy or homemade sauce or something. I felt like I just happened to be there for a dinner they were in a rush to make. Then I got gifts. I wasn't expecting that because my mom accidentally paid some money on my credit card in November and since my credit card is now maxed from Christmas she said it could be my birthday present. So I was already feeling a bit ripped off (and like a bad person for feeling that way) and then both the gifts are exercise related. I did mention kind of wanting an exercise ball but not as much as other things I asked for for Christmas and I just felt bad that my Brithday present was stuff to make me lose weight. I'm crying now. And there is a book I want that didn't arrive before Christmas that I'm going to get, and my mom did buy me cords last week because I'm broke and needed pants really badly. Then the cake was an ice cream cake and I don't particularly love ice cream cake and then I felt more dismissed, and like an ungreatful brat. I felt like crap.

But last night FIlmmaker came over after he was done work. I asked him to bring me a chocolate bar. He showed up with two kinds of soy ice cream, a chocolate brownie from the restaurant he works at (that he made that morning), fudge sauce, and 3 choclate bars. We talked and watched some tv and then had wonderful sex and slept until morning. I'm getting used to this - the treating and the sex.

And I'm broke. And not just normal broke, but not able to pay my bills, or rent, and not knowing when I will be able to. I need to find a job so in February I can short everything out. I'm not even spending silly. I'm just not making enough. And I need $4000.00 to pay more tuition for my next program in May. This makes me feel awful. I'm sitting here paying what I can and opening bills to see how bad it really is.

But I do feel loved. Tomorrow is my birthday dinner with friends, and were going to go dancing. Then I'm going to the sex show on Saturday afternoon and then doing make-up for a fashion show there on Saturday night.

What else is on my mind? I think I have to learn to be more complimentary and affectionate. I was thinking about talking to FIlmmaker about my superficial concerns (about him and that I even have them) but he had a bad day so I didn't want to add to it. But aside from that, I think I need to tell him how great he is more. And be more tender and warm. It's something I really have to work on I think.

But I am changing and I think that's weighing on me, in good and bad ways. I'm taking hormones for someone. I'm finishing a program at school. I am equipped to become a freelance artist (yay!!). I'm a quarter of a century. I'm definately feeling it all. And tomorrow I'm going to a funeral that I don't want to go to. I didn't like the last one and I don't anticipate liking this one. Funerals are not for me - they are for other people. And I don't feel like I can be sad for myself at this one. I'm not crying for the person who died. I'm crying for me and my dad. But that's selfish. And not wanting to go is selfish. But I don't. I don't have anything good to say or to think. I just feel bad that my Dad was actually good and there for me and he's gone. Part of me is crying for my niece. But more becasue I'm worried that it's just not going to hit her for a long time. Then in three months or three years, she'll want someone who was never there for her, and my mom's not going to give her any of the emotional stuff she needs. She's going to feel lost and broken and like the world has been incredibly unfair to her. But she's 10 and I can't warn her.

Well there are all the tears I haven't been able to get rid of the last few months.

Irrational

1. Please don't comment and give me advice.

2. I feel unloved.

3. I'm having second thoughts about FIlmmaker.

4. I do care how he dresses.

5. I am superficial.

6. He really likes me and I do like him.

7. I'm worried this is my one chance.

8. I might just not be able to do this love/relationship thing.

9. I feel fat.

10. I feel disconnected from my family.

11. I am financially fucked right now and I don't know what to do.

12. I want to cancel my birthday plans.

13. I wanted to be happy today.

14. I know people love me.

15. I feel spoiled and unappreciative.

Crazy

I want filmmaker here. He was here yesterday and I'm seeing him tomorrow morning, but I want him now. I don't feel that I should have to wait but I do and that sucks. I need to get a bigger bed so he can stay here. That requires money. It is also a purchase that will take priority over others I've been thinking of. I'm mad that I felt so sick last night and didn't want to have sex. I want it now.

Thinking

I feel a bit like I've been neglecting this place, but I don't think I have been. Either way, I'm posting now.

I told my mom about Filmmaker today and she asked lots of questions. At the end she asked if I was happy. I said yes without hesitation. That felt good. She brought to my mind some questions I should ask him. I'm happy to just take my time with doing that though. There's no rush.

I am thinking about him a lot today. We talked this morning because the funeral might be when we were planning on going out and I hadn't really told him anything about that. I don't really feel sad for my neices mom (who died). I feel sad for my neice. I feel sad for baldie. I feel sad because it reminds me of losing my own parent. But I also haven't cried yet. I'm expecting it to come but I don't know if it will.

But, Filmmaker. As expected he was great and we'll just see how things go and see each other when it works. He also said he'd make sure he'd be able to come to my Birthday dinner next week, which I have to send out invites for asap. If I was feeling better he'd probably be here tonight but I'm still sick. Plus, I have a single bed. I might need to change that. It's a big deal in several ways though.

Tomorrow I'm going to the doctor to work out some Birth Control. I'm going to get weighed too. I'm going to get back to eating better and doing pilates so I want to know how far I am from where I was a few weeks ago. Actually, a bunch has happened since I was last at my doctor. I have lost weight and I'm off all my medication. Ok, so two things, but two big ones.

I'm hoping the Birth control will have the side effect of painless and short periods, but not result in weight gain and skin issues. Just the good and no bad. I'm also pretty sure that becasue I had my period last week, any birth control I start now won't be good for an entire month. That sucks a lot but if I know it's starting to work and we're using condoms anyways I think I'll feel fine. We'll see.

ok, I must go do my party invites, and then head to bed. I'm hoping sleep and tea will bring forth fewer feelings of sickness in the morning.

Quickly

1. I'm going to a funeral this week. That's going to be hard.

2. I am sick for the first time in over one year.

3. My mom is getting married for the first time ever.

Strangeness all around.

Happy New Year

Last night was great fun. Just Miranda, her man, and Orange until about 1:30 when Filmmaker joined us. Games and food and talking. Very nice. At about 3:30 Orange, Filmmaker and I all cabbed together and I went to Filmmakers.

It's about 12 hours later and I can't even be bothered to count how many orgasms I've had in that time. It's been super awesome. I also decided to claim the boyfriend/girlfriend label. Sex is next. And by sex I mean interourse, which sounds very clinical. My intense fear of pregnancy is the only thing that stopped it from happening already.

So it's been a crazy week since Christmas. Orange says I seem different and I don't feel super good about that. I have tons of stuff to do to be ready for school tomorrow and I really need a shower. I'll next see Filmamker on the weekend which is good. I'm also going to need to plan my birthday in the next few days.