Balancing away

So a bunch of very mixed stuff going ont today. I got new jeans with a surprisingly small amount of fuss and they were super affordable. I boughta few more craft things but the big shop in town didn't have the best selection of something I wanted so I'm a bit stuck there. It'll be fine for now though. I got my London map and feel very happy about that. I returned my books this morning but I still need to finish reading one so I'll be going to the library tomorrow morning before I go to catch my train. I have another here that I will work on tonight. Then next week will be all writing the paper.

I've also sorted out my money and have less than I need. I knew I'd have less, but not being given the stuff to do work for HK ltd was unexpected and I overdrew one of my bank accounts by 36 pence (!!!!) and they charged be tons because of it. And it was a studpid mistake on my part, I forgot that my UK credit card minimum payment is automatically taken out of the account I never use, which was 36 p short of the payment. My other account had enough money to clear it. So because of that, my credit card company also charged me a whack. The whole thing has basically cost be over 50.00 pounds, which I really can't afford and makes me miss my wonderful little bank in Canada that would just let me be overdrawn for a few days, or transfer money from one account to other other to cover it.

Not going to fuss over it though as it won't help. This weekend in London will be cheap though because I've got to do museum work and most of them are free. No shopping either. I'll be in a position to shop when my company from Canada comes next weekend, and they will be likely to even buy stuff for me which is brilliant.

I feel like I need to apologize for being boring and just talking about money and crafts and shopping. I'm supposed to be talking about sex and boys but unfortunately my life is completely void of both right now. I was in the gap today looking at jeans even though they don't carry my size here and a hot guy asked if he could help find my size, so I lied about what it was. They still didn't have any of that style in the fake size and I turned down his offer to check in other washes. I felt like a huge loser. Then there was no cute weekend bag at boots, although that's likely for the best.

I might update in the morning but I won't be using the net while in London so expect no action until Sunday night.

Celebration

My taxes return is officially in the canadian bank. I now have to decide how much to put on the canadian credit card, transfer the rest to the uk account, and decide how much to put on the uk credit card. It's not quite as bad of a debt situation as it sounds because both credit cards have fairly low limits. But I do have a loan with my canadian bank and wonderful canadian student loans. Ack. I don't like to think about this.

I also saw a bag in a magazine I want really bad and I might go into town tomorrow to buy it. I have to see how big it is though, because I can only justify it if it's big enough. I think I'd also get anouther 5.00 voucher off fcuk make up at boots if I bought it, so really it's like a bag and nail polish for 20.00. I'm so bad at this. ok. I feel better now. I will go into the city tomorrow but just to look at that bag and buy a map of London if I can find a decent one. I know I can get on there but I'd rather plan out a head of time.

Feeling a bit more relaxed now. ok, back to the reading I was so diligently doing.

I want it to be warm

I wrote a post yesterday afternoon but blogger wasn't letting me post it. I saved it but it was all this: I'm bored and am now behind on working on my paper. I have to plan two weekends in london and have no map and no money and it's not very productive. I want a woll store to go to in lond and can't find one, so if anyone knows please share info.

Last night I finsihed my major craft project that I've been working on. I could never make them to sell because I would have to charge a fortune to make up for the amount of time spent on them. Oh well. I watched Puch-Drunk Love and remembered how much I love that movie. See it, it's great. A quircky a-typical lvoe story with some of the best "sweet" moments between two characters that put in any other contaxt would be retarded and very non-lovey.

I went and spent some very productive hours in the library and have three moe books to read before I can really get into writing. Two of the books have to be back at the library by 10 tomorrow morning so those will get done tonight. The other will wait for tomorrow. I'm not too sure what angle I'm taking on the project, but I've got lots of good and relevant information and once I decide what my main point is I expect it to come together quickly. I have 5 days next week to complete it, save for some light editing. I'll take a final draft with me on the trip so I can re-arrange or clarify things if I want.

Also, I'm not really doing any work for HK Ltd. Basically I would like to but they haven't gotten me the information I need to work with and so no work to do. Ok, because it's going to be boring and tedious work, but I really would like the money.

I've also noticed my sexx-drive is pretty mellow right now. I think it's partly the after-period hormones and partly lack of stimulation. No hot boys or fun conversation in lectures, no 18 year olds playing football outside my flat, no drunken dancing. That all combines to make for boring craft and school related posts.

Oh, yesterday I was also musing about starting a bog just for crafting because it's taking up a lot of my mind and also space here where I don't think it really belongs. Porblems is whether to make it anonymous or not, and if I can maintain 3 online things. We'll see.

Hardly Mid-Day

Well I did go for a walk and boughta few things to craft. Just what I needed to get the gift parcel off really. I have a bunhc of other projects in mind, but I need to go into the city to get that stuff. I'm actually a bit surprised I didn't have to for these projects. I think I might start a craft blog though, because I really have a lot going in my head right now about it and I don't think it all fits here really.

The problem with another blog is that it would mean three to maintain, at least until I get home and my travel journal is done, and I have a problem maintaining them both as it is. I also would like the craft one to be myself, so it wouldn't link up here, but I think that's ok. I'll wait until after my vacation to think about it. Starting tomorrow I'm on total paper writing mode so I don't have to worry about it while I'm off actually on a vacaction.

I'm all screwed about London this weekend and next. Next weekend I'm with someone and I'm supposed to be kind of planning it, but I suck. Well I don't I just can't decide how to do everything with time to actually visit stuff and go shopping. We've only got two days, but lots of stuff to fit into those two days. As for this weekend, I'm trying to create a schedule but I'm getting stuck.

I think my first problem is that I have no money right now really. I'm waiting for some but it's not here and that's stressful. I also want a detailed London street map so I can mark all the things I want to do/see on it and plan that way, it works best for me. But I don't want to go into the city just for that, and the town doesn't have one that's not for cars. I might just have to wait until I"m there on Friday. At least that day I know what I'm doing (Tate Modern, Saatchi and Maybe a quick visit to the portrait gallery) and then that night I can sort Saturday and Sunday. And if anyone out there knows of a good wool shop in central London let me know. I can't find one and it's freaking me out.

I think I have to start keeping food in my room. There's a bunch of people in my kitchen againa dn I have a feeling it won't be free for at least another hour and I'm sure it won't be clean then either. Pasta is the plan tonight. I think. I might watch on of the few film I brought with me tonight. I have seen them all a bunch of times so I can craft while watchning them. Maybe Punch-Drunk Love. Hmm. We'll see.

Rolling Down Hills

So today I'm not feeling quite as good as the last few. I think I'm kind of anxious to get to the library and it sucks that I can't until tomorrow. Also, I want to get craft stuff but my money's not here yet and I can't max out cards or anything because I'm spending the weekend in Lodnon and need money for that. On top of it the weathers crap so it makes just going for a walk not sound so appealing. I'll likely do it anyways just to get myself out of the flat. I do still have a few dollars cash on me for a few craft things so we'll see.

Texted this morning to a friend about weight issues and wrote that "I think I have as many insecurities about losing weight as I do about not losing it" which is very true. Maybe I'll do pilates today. I'd like to say that I'll go for a run, but I'd be totally lying so I'm not going to do that. First some breakfast and a quick phone call home to my mom. Then I'll go for a walk into the town and look at books or something.

Cookie break

I'm hungry but there's all kinds of people in the kitchen and so I'm not going in there. Luckily, there's some sprite left and I have digestive cookies from last night still in my room. The project is going super good, but don't know if I'll get as much done as I thought I would tonight. It might not get finished until tomorrow. That's ok though, because before I mail it to the future owner I want to make something else to go with it and I need to pick stuff up to make that. A wonderful little mixed CD is also going with the two craft items.

All that aside, I am going to spend the rest of this post saying a few things about the new toy. I haven't really said anything about it yet other than the base is a bit suction-y. Not because it's not getting used though. I don't think I talk about my vibe that much either other than "I used it" type stuff.

1. I used it last night. I hadn't used it in about a week though. I find my body does not appreciate ass play during my period.

2. You can't really tell that much by the picture but each section of it gets slightly bigger. This is a good thing.

3. It looks big, but it doesn't feel all that big. It's not that it feels small, but a little bit of lube and the first section is quickly occupied.

4. I don't always put it all the way in. There's just not always need for it. there's also a bit of a nice feeling of "potential" when only the firt two sections are inside me. Hard to explain, but good.

5. It never gets used on it's own. Always fingers, a vibe, or both heavily involved in whatever's going on.

6. I'm quite happy with my choice. It's a bit more dymanic with the ripples than a standard plug would be, but I really feel filled up when it's completely inserted. I also get the bead-llike feeling, which I wanted. I got some feedback about getting one that vibrated, but the slight and only occasional vibrations that go through the silicon when my vibe touches the base is plenty.

I'd ask if anyone has questions, but I don't think I'd answer them. Ok, one last cookie and back to crafting. I hope to make dinner soon. either pasta or soup and sandwich.. Not sure yet.

No work for me

Turns out the library is closed until Wednesday. So I just had a nice walk today and got myself out and dressed, which is good. However, now all I hsve to do for two days is plan more about London, and craft. I quess I could do some vocab work also. I might to into the city if I get my money before Friday. We'll see.

Last night, I didn't go to sleep early at all. I read about crafting for a good two hours and then wanked again. It was differnt though: I put the erotica aside and tried just to fantasize. Totally didn't work well as I kept getting distracted by fake conversations. Even with people I had made it. I even attempted to incorporate class clown which totally backfired. I mean I was aroused but it was going nowhere fast.

I didn't entirly give up though. I thought about wanking while someone was watching me as I was in that moment. So they weren't involved and I didn't have to be concerned about them or their role in my life. I just focused on what I was doing and how it made me feel and it ended in a very long, rippleling orgasm that ushered me quite well into sleep.

I bougth Sprite today which I hardly ever do. Pop is not a big thing for me and have maybe had it about 6 times in the last 10 months or so. I don't even drink it with alcohol usually. And if I do it's often mixed with juice. I do like the fizziness though so I drink carbonated or flavoured water. Still fizzy but minus all the sugar.

moving along

Feeling better about classclown today. Just thinking and caring less about it which is what I was fairly successfully doing until I had the dream. I guess tha facts are that he, for my purposes, has a girlfriend and I'm not attracted to him physically. those two things are enough for me not to crush on him. I have other things my mind should occupy itself with right now. I am going to try to not crush on anyone now and only get preoccupied with people I genuinely like and there's a real possibility they like me, and I'm not going to let it run away from me loike it so often does.

Got the rest of the reading I can do for my paper without hitting the library done today so tonight will be early to bed (especially since I wasn't awake until 1:30 today) so that I can get lots done at the library tomorrow. I work on the gift and saw something I really want to make but need to buy supplies and can't do that for a few days yet. My next trip into the city will kick ass.

Today was the last day of my period and I am super happy with the menstrual cup and totally reccomend it for any women who may be reading. I was anticipating some difficulties for the first few days from other's experiences but I had none which is great. It'll be nice to see if if makes my cramps better next month, which would be like the biggest fucking bonus of a product ever.

I want to craft a bit more tonight and maybe watch a film but I'm pretty tired already. I kind of want a bath but if I wash my hair the wonderful straightnes will be gone and I'm not quite ready to do that. On the same kind of note I found dry shampoo at boots, which I've always wanted but I can't afford the Bumble and Bumble stuff which is the only one I've ever seen. So, with the hair concerns in mind, I think I am going to go off into someone else's sexual fantasy life, because as we have seen I don't have one of my own, and wank for the first time in several days. Might not be long in some peoples books but it is in mine.

Hope everyone's had a stunning easter weekend, or at least a decent one. (AH! I just realized clocks went forward. It's later than I thought. blah. oh well, it's not like I have a schedule I have to keep to or anything.)

Post-thinking

ok, I am very content and settled now and feel really quite hot and sexy (yay!). I look the same as I did 2 hours ago, but I guess two really good orgasms make a girl feel better about everything. I even like how my tummy looks with my low hanging pyjama bottoms and a top that is much too small (but it was only 2.00 Canadian at old navy and it a nice colour). I'm sitting on my bed reading craft related stuff on the computer and eating digestive cookies. This is a good moment.

Mental Block

So another end to another day of loafing around my flat. Surprisingly I haven't been snacking crazily as I usually do when I'm at home all day. I think it's partly because I'm kind of out of money until sometime next week, and partly because crafting really occupies my hands and unlike taking notes, you don't want to eat while you craft because you might dirty whatever item you're working on.

So today I've got a bunch more work done, both school and crafts. I was going to go to the library tomorrow but I decided that wasn't such a good idea because I can't take anything out and I'll just have to go back on Monday because there's two books I need to take out. I still have two very long srticles to read here and can start doing some secondary reading that isn't focused on my topic but will likely help round out my argument and demonstate a deeper understanding of the context I'm writing about.

But what did I come here for? It wasn't just to tell you the boring details above. I've been trying not to think about dreaming about classclown, or about him in general really, and I wasn't as successful as I would like. I guess I'm trying to put it into a way that can help me understand what is stopping me from dating. Because as crap as it is, there's something about me that makes people think I'm not available (whatever that means) or that makes people not care if I am or not.

Admission: I have fake/hypothetical conversations between myself and others. I don't actually talk out loud, but they are fully detailed and elaborate conversations. I even get a sense of body language, facial expressions, physical setting. It's weird but I've been doing it for a long time. It's like a way of day dreaming for me, more verbal than visual though. The other weird thing is that they are often not good conversations, like things I'm anxious about, or don't want to happen, or being angry with a person. Sometimes there good but I've got to explain abit more.

So I was in the bath and thinking about classclown. I was having one of these fake conversations and it started good but it got bad and serious and weird. I even had two completely differnet conversations with him that started good and turned to crap. I did this with young downstairs boy too. I considered tons of potential conversations I could have had back in December to keep someone around after he totally stopped calling. (the ones with downstairs boy and the boy from december didn't happen today while in the bath, I was just giving more examples about how I do this a lot.)

I also mentioned to someone this morning about how my dreams recently never get to sex. It's always just kissing and then something weird happens. It's not like I forget the sex. The situation goes bad and it never goes past kissing. (Better than real life I guess which never even gets there. ha.)

So then this got me thinking about a convo about porn and fantasies I had a few days ago and I realized I never fantasize about myself being in situations (have I ready said this here? It's kind of late here, sorry.) I think I have said this. But the point here is that when I do try to fantasize sexually about someone and myself I screw it up! I literaly can't have fantasy sex. It ends up the same as day dreams - with weird conversations and seriousness.

I haven't quite decided what to do with all this information yet but I think it's all very important. In a way that's not thought out at all, it's like I can't just let go of all the worry and fear and walls, to just enjoy things.

But how does this all tie into classclown? Well, I'm obviously trying not to crush on him. I have many reasons for this. First, I don't think he could possibly be interested in me ever. He goes after the pretty girls, and while I don't think I'm ugly (whatever that means) I know I'm not "the pretty girl". Second, he's so not the relationship type. He has a girl he can sleep with whenever and he still pulls and sleeps with other girls. Yes, she's stupidly going along with it, but I think I'm being more tolerant of his behaviour than I would normally because I want the friend. That sounds pathetic and not like me - I have suspended friendships because I don't agree with peoples behaviour.

I also don't even find him that attractive, mentally or physically. If we hadn't walked home togetherthat one day at the beginning of term I probably still wouldn't be talking to him. But I do really like talking to him and he has his very sincere moments where he's not being obnoxiously outgoing and shallow.

I don't know where to go with all of this. I remeber there was a time and within the last 3 years where I could involve myself in fantasies but somewhere it stopped. And I really think whatever mental stuff is stopping me from doing that is really closely connected with me not dating/relationshipping/whatever. (I'm saying whatever a lot tonight, sorry.) I guess I have to get over the mental stuff and really my progress has been amazing, you have no idea, but every thing with guys that goes nowhere leaves me more fucked than before and in totally the wrong way.

Over a year ago I went back into therapy. It was expensive but I was losing it with stuff about applying to unis and work and all kinds of other obligations and I ended up stopping because I just couldn't afford it. I also stopped because one of the main reasons I started going again was to work thorugh this block I have with getting to know people (it's really fallen away these last few months in terms of friend situations which is fabulous) but I couldn't get into it. I couldn't admit to myself how totally lost I was and how retarded of a place I had got myself into. That lack of being able to say what I really wanted to made me panicky so we just worked on that because I really was a mess most appointments.

This is getting long and rambly now - ah, it was rambly from the start. I'm not feeling hopeless about it though today. I'm just feeling like this is such a waste of my time and energy and I just want to get passed it. I've felt like that for a while though and still nothing. ok, I'm stopping and I'll be around tomorrow. I think I really need a stress-relief wank but I simply don't know if I can get into the headspace without all this shit getting in the way. Who knows.

Edited to add: I was just thinking about new years boy which happened so long ago it's pathetic but that night I did eventually relax enough to just actually kiss him but it seriously took like 6 hours, too much vodka and too much talk. He was just high enough to wait around and persist while I rambled about being neurotic and turned him down all night.

Not a Rainy Britain

It's raining today for the first time in a while and that may just crap on my thorughts of going to the library. It also closes at 4:00 and it's almost two and weekends are reference only days so I can't take anything out and well, I'm sure you can tell what my decision is. I'm got two tv shows almost downloaded so that will occupy me and a bunch of crafting to do. I also have work for my fun lecture I can work on. I'll wake up early tomorrow and go to the library for a few hours. I also cant do work fro HK ltd. because I'm waiting for someinformation from them I can't really go ahead without.

I'm eating whole grain yogurt and I was concerned but it's awesome. New treat for me. I can also plan some of my London trips a bit more today. I'm trying to find a yarn/craft shop there and it's not going well. I also got my mooncup in the post and it's in action as I type. So far so good, but we'll see how it is (ie no leaks) in a few hours.

Last night I had a dream that classclown and I kissed. We were just hanging out in a very empty pub and I leaned over him to read something on the paper he was looking at and he kissed my neck and we started kising, but we stopped because someone came into the area we were in. We kissed again a few more times when no one was around but it's was all very surfacy and unsure. We left with someone else and neither of us really seemed to know what was happening. It's wasn't quite awkward but not comfortable either. Like we didn't really know what we were doing or how to go about it. and not, in a physical way, but a logistics one. Does that make sense?

The dream also involved me forgetting luggage, two friends I haven't sen in a good 3 or 4 years, vocabulary quizzes from my fun lectures and looking at pictures on my laptop. I don't want to be having dreams about classclown. if the other people I have crushed on were inappropriate for me, he is so beyond that. Blah. I don't know what to think about it all. I think I need to go out and have some unbridled fun. I should find out if stripedcoat is still around.

afternoon attractions

I don't know if it's the peeks of sun coming in through my window, the fact that I love my hair this straight or that I am getting lots of school work AND crafting done on the same day but I am feeling good. And not just happier-than-yesterday good. I might even take an afternoon wanking break once this craft project is done and before dinner. I think I deserve it and I still have another book I need to get read today. I've done two already though.

That's it really. iTunes is picking prefect songs. And I was wiping off my shelf in the fridge because my soy milk leaked. Doing so I noticed that the persons shelf below mine wasn't very full, and I do have the smallest shelf in terms of height, so I moved my shelf down so I have more room now! It's not that exciting but it makes me happy.

I need stuff (buttons) to finish off this project but that requires a trip to the city. I also forgot something I needed there last week so I need to go in anyways. I can only do it when all my research is done though and I have money again. I can't put buttons on a credit card. I also want to pick up some yarn to make something for someone at home. But I have to finish another project I've been neglecting because it is a well deserved gift. I need blank CD's too. I want to back up some of my music and pictures. I have over 1000 pictures on my computer and I could really use some of that space to help the thing go just a bit faster.

Enough of me going on about shopiing and crafting. Still no menstrual cup in the mail either. boo on that.

Finding things

I'm feeling better. I have spent most of yesterday evening and even this morning crafting. My back and neck are really sore today but I'm feeling better which is good. I'm going to start reading soon because I really have to get back on track with that and I know it will be interesting once I get into it.

Anyways, here is a short list of things people have been typing into searches recently and ending up with me:

1. flirting with a guy who has a girlfriend

2. Knickers to wank in

3. Girls undressing to wear grass skirts only

And my hair still looks great even after sleeping. yay!

If I'm a mess

well some contact wiht the world beyond my flat did me some good. May hair looks really good. It's straightened which looks great but I simply can't do myself. It not like my hair ois, curly, is just a tiny bit wavy, but never stick straight like this. So it's nice, a treat. I didn't really talk during any of it (except stuff about my various ear piercings which always happens when my hair is cut) so I just kind of zoned out.

On the way there I saw and introduced myself to a girl who lives upstairs and goes to the same Canadian uni as me. We talked a bit and said that we should get together over the break as we're both around for chunks of it. I also went to sainsburys and bought some stuff I forgot yesterday to make a recipe and, surprise, chocolate milk. I also bought a crochet hook and some yarn. I want to make a case for my ipod, but I'm going to make something else in the meantime to practice becasue I haven't crocheted in a long time.

I don't know if I'm going to the library tomorrow. It's kind of pointless without these books done. I'm going to try to remotivate myself tomorrow and get on track. Today has been a rough day so I'm going to just relax and craft and play online. Maybe the next american idol will be done sometime soon so I can watch that as it always seems to relax me and get my mind off things.

More Secrets

Go here.

I'm still kind of on and off crying just becasue I think my body needs to. I know as well as, if not better than, anyone that everything will happen in time. The thing I am constantly saying to meself is "Everything is going to be good" and I completely believe it will.

But for the rest of my life I'm going to have this part of me that unless I can grab things and say "look! Look! Everything's ok. Everything is good" is always going to be thinking otherwise. And I can't expect anyone to know that feeling. It's not becasue of a situation, or anything you can pinpoint, it's just something that's there. I feel it when I do less than great in school too, which is possibly one of the best parts of my life right now.

There's something intensely painful in the fact that even though all logic says your life is great, you don't get it. I've been doing this for years. There's nothing anyone can say that I haven't heard to make me feel like it's easier. I know I'll feel better in a few days, or even a few hours. I know it's irrational. But even so I'm always kind of on the defensive but towards myself.

When I get like this and I can't actually see anything wrong it sucks. It sucks that even when my life is great I feel like this. So I guess it's part of coping to pick one the one part of my life that's not great, and that happens to be love. It's easier to be upset over something than nothing and I can't get upset over other things because they're fine.

I don't know how to explain more, or if I can, or if it matters. I have to stop crying because there is no way I can sit looking at my unmake-uped self while my hair is being cut and make-up on puffy and red eyes looks retarded.

Reading Lists

I've cried today. That's two days in a row. Yesterday was sobbing and painful crying. Today was slow, gentle and sad. I was making lunch and thought about forgetting about the prospect of ever meeting anyone. I've done it before when I needed to concentrate on other things more. No crushes, very little wanking. Just me, my friends, and moving forward. But you know it's not like I'm really looking for someone, I mean I go about my life and if someone comes into it I find interesting...well I'd like to say I get to know them and see what happens, but obviously I don't, I get neurotic and nothing happens.

I don't know what's going on with me. It's may just be hormone included emotions, but it's making me feel like I'm lacking. Like I only fool myslef into believing this life I have is a fabulous one. That maybe all those moments where I'm delightfully happy are completely manufactured. rose coloured glasses? wool over my eyes? It's all very dreary. When I look seriously, like an outsider at my life, it's good. I have some of the most amazing family and friends one could have, I know the general direction I want my career to take and it's actually going that way, I have a cat, an apartment, an amazingly flexible paying job, but I feel lacking.

And these are depression tears now. They're the scary ones I hate to have. They're so natural and smooth. They aren't out of panic or fear, or pain or anything like that. They come with deep relaxed breathing. I can smile through them becasue I know somehow I'll be fine but they continue because they are so innate to my very being it doesn't matter how much I smile or how ok I am, they're here.

I didn't even come here to write all this. But the Artist is dating, cheapdrunk is dating, my most judgemental and picky friends from home is dating (living with the boy even), a darling friends loser boyfriend is dating (yes, he's dating her but I don't understand it) and someone not even in Britain might get to hook-up with a brit (don't take offense to this love, we'll talk). And I'm here. With friends that are no where near me and a dream carer in front of me if I can get my shit together to do research.

What I wanted to write is about two books. When I was 15 or 16 I read two reviews in my local city entertainment weekly. I bought both books. I read them. I still own them both. I don't remember what I had to say about them. One of the books was short stories, rather than a novel and I only remember two of them but both really vaguely. One was about a demon of sorts and the other was about menstrual blood. I also used to read a lot of SHirley Jackson who is an amazing short story writer. I had an anthology of hers and lent it to someone and I'm not sure who. One of three people really.

I have two hours before I have to go and mail a parcel and get my hair cut. I'd like to say I'm going to do my school reading but I don't know if I will. It's my inspiring lecture but I'm not feeling to insipirable today. yes, I know that;s not a word and I'm fine with it. Sorry for being so crap today. I will get better at some point. I need to be aorund people and there's no one here. I have over two more weeks of this to go to. I;d be fine if I could shop but I'm lonely and broke. No wonder I'm sad.

Unending

Somehow I overdrafted on my bank account by under a pound and the stupid bank is charging me 35.00. Like why couldn't it be smart enough to not let me go over my limit, or nice enough to just forget about it like my wonderful Canadian credit union. I can't really do anything about it now, but I took a bunch of cash out yesterday and it said I had 10.00 still left there and I didn't use the card again so I'm not too sure what went on. I wouldn't have took so much cash out, and put my haircut today on credit had I known this was the situation. Blah.

There was no menstrual cup in the mail this morning which sucks. My cramps are still around a tiny bit but nothing I can't forget about at points.

I couldn't sleep last night so at 2:30 I ended up getting up, talking to Lily who was surprisingly also awake, and taking some sleeping pills and I was asleep in an hour. I had some deep thoughts about why I'm silly horny but somehow that that sexually frustrated unless I'm drinking. I had other stuff too but that was all that stuck around. And my slight conclusion ot it was is that it's as if I forgot what I'm missing. Which makes me feel kind of pathetic. Plus, I just don't know how it's going to end. I keep myself distanced from people to protect myself, I need to form a relationship of some sort but I'm scared to because of the moving thing, and my self-confidence is lower right now than it is usually. And all I can add to that is fear and more fear.

But alas talking isn't helping, and just going about my life isn't helping, so I don't know. I should go do some reading and have some breakfast.

Last Paragraph

Well I'm feeling better now. I don't want to rip my uterus out anymore which is a very good thing. I'm stil uncomfortable and walking is no fun but I'd way rather deal with this than what was going on earlier. I was going to try some reading before going to bed but I just don't think that's in the cards. I did get a bunch of stuff done today though so I'm fairly happy with that considering.

Tomorrow, however, because I didn't get any reading done yesterday or today I have to get through three books and even a few articles. I'm getting my hair trimmed at 4:30 also so that should break up the day a bit. Friday I must go to the library to get some books for the weekend, pick up one on reserve for me and returns some others.

I'm getting an ipod mini in a few weeks and I want to make a bunch of covers for it. It is going to come with one, but I want to make a bunch so my ipod will have a wardrobe of sorts. I know, I'm a loser. But may camera and laptop have matching custom made covers so why should the ipod be left out? I am going to wait to make them until I've got the thing in my possession, but I'm planning now.

Still thinking on and off about classclown today but it's dwindling as the days go which is great. That's it for my posting tonight kids and I will be around tomorrow.

mixed feelings

Reasons my day isn't a complete piece of shit:

1. Humous was on sale.

2. I got fcuk silver liquid eyeliner for 4 pounds.

3. I got a present for a friend delivered.

4. I love the city.

5. Sainsbury's has clean toilets.

6. I'll get a free mac lipstick in a few weeks.


Reasons my day is making my want to curl up and die:

1. My pitas got over microwaved and are like cardboard on one side and soggy on the other.

2. My flatmates are inconsiderate, dirty bitches. (I want to say twats because it sounds mean but I don't want to associate them with a body part I love so much.

3. I just spend 15 minutes sobbing incontrolably over nothing.

4. I want my uterus to fuck off becasue I never do anything but good for it and it is making every single part of my body sore.

5. My jeans are ripping and I don't want to buy new ones because I feel fat and unworthy of nice clothes. (this will go away tomorrow though)

6. I just want someone to give me a hug and I have no one to do so. (I know there are a feww people out there who would though)

7. Moments like this make me feel like lonliness and mental instability are going to always be present in my world.

Regrets

I so should have went out yesterday. I am very crampy today despite piankillers last night and this morning. But, alas, I have crap to do. I just have to be extra careful to not buy stuff. Hard because I feel better when I purchase (I know I'm a pathetic consumer, blah blah blah, hate me), Easy because I feel retarded bloated and I tend not to find H&M mirrors too flattering. I also have to buy something for dinner which is a bit dangerous when I'm sore and don't want to cook. Oh, well.

I'm going to put some make-up on and head out. At least we're getting a bit of sun and blue sky. I'll probably be back in atwo or three hours. Won't be a long outing that's for sure.

Edited to Add: I don't have nough cash to get on the bus but I'm still going. I just have to go into the little town first to get some cash. I can also get some breakfast there and see if I can get my hair cut. I was going to not get it cut and just let it grow but it's starting to fall out like mad. This, from experience, is my hair's way of telling me to take care of it and get it cut. Listen I shall because handfulls of hair whenever I wake, take a shower, brush my hair is not cool. (I bet I'm so sexy now.)

It's the little things

1. I'm still deciding if I want to take my orgasm count to 5 in 24 hours. It's not record breaking or anything, but my current tiredness is just slightly outweighing my current arousal.

2. My rooms smells like what I made for dinner and it's nice. It also looks like I'm a compuslsive masturbator and cleaner.

3. The Artist used to tell me he could tell just from touching my breats if I was having my period, but I never could. Tpday and yesterday however, I noticed a difference. I can't really poinpoint it though. It also could be because I feel like I'm gaining weight even though I don't appear to be. I really need some fucking motivation on that front and don't know where it's going to come from.

4. I used a new face cleanser tonight and I really hope my skin doesn't get pissed at me for it. It feels ok right now but we'll see what's happening on Friday or so.

5. I have to go out tomorrow. I think I get really productive on my own up to a certain point. today was past that point because I got shit done. But I can't shop in the city. No H&M, no FCUK, nothing like that. I have to act like I have the pathetic amount of money I actually do. No fun, but smart.

Evening comes

I write the title and realize it's a really bad pun for my day. Oh well.

So I did some homework, chatted with Lily, then got bored. Bored as in aimlessly surfing the net and staring at the books I said I;d read today. But then I decide I'd rather take a map. So now I'm in bed feeling like I just want to hang out here for an hour or so more. I had lunch about an hour ago so I'll make a late but healthy dinner.

Now, I have been someone avoiding sex for a bit now. I guess I had to figure some stuff out in my head. What has come of this is that I like wanking for the sake of wanking. It's not like somehting I do just becasue I'm horny and have no one around to have sex with. If I was in a relationship I'd still be wanking on my own. Even the large majority of my fantasies don't actually involve me.

I'm going nowhere with any of this, I'm just bored. I'm going to goof on the net a bit more while in bed and then go and do more work towards the end of the hour. I have to to keep on schedule.

Late Morning

A combination of things (sleeping in, reading, morning wanking, long shower) have all lead to me not being able to leave my flat early enough to both going into town. So tomorrow I will do it. I also don't think I'm going to go to the library today. Instead I've got tons of homeowrk to do here and I will go to the library on Thursday for a long time. I may walk to Sainsburys but I have stuff for dinner tonight so I might leave it until tomorrow. If I go today I'll probably end up buying crap to snack on. I'm also feeling a bit crampy today so it might be best to stay in for another day.

I was in the bath thinking about classclown and Elliott (innocently!) and realized that Elliott has almost gotten more awkward since the start of the year. Or maybe I'm more discerning about who I'm friends with now that I actually have some and don't feel such a desperate need to meet people. This is making me seem like a total bitch and could asl be interpreted as now that I'm becoming friends with the "cool" kids I'm deserting my "nerd" friends. I'm going to stop now because I feel like a cow.

True Love

Book 2 of like 8 I have to read for my paper of my inspiring lecture is complete. I will finihs another one before bed tonight. What I was reading was a work I haven't read before about a figure I am only generally familiar with. And it's weird becasue the more I read and the more I study I wonder about more things in a much more in depth way. But I also read more things as they were intended to be. Like I was reading a biography and laughing and points.

As much as I may complain about school work (do I?) I adore what I do. When I have a good topic in front of me I just soak up the information like theer's nothing else in the world I want to know. I am absorbed and fascinated by everything. I love it.

I have been hanging about today in a dress. I only have one dress here (only two at home and they are both very formal gowns). I bought it here for the formal but I'm excited to wear it about with flip-flops when the weather permits. I am very happy in it but am going to change because I feel silly when I see my flatmates in the hallway.

A mestrual cup is an alternative to pads and tampons. There are a few different versions of them and they are made of silicone or rubber. Pretty simple really. Good idea for the environment, much cheaper as they last for about 10 years apparently, much more body friendly than bleached cotton, and need to be changed much less. The ones available in the UK are called moon cups but the diva cup and the keaper are other brands. They are kind of new, but I feel like out of many of my friends, I'm jumping on the band wagon late.

I'm excited to get it though. I don't know if I'll get it before my period this months but I have some tampons around still so no worries. (I bought tons before I left because I can get them cheap at home and I use non-applicator ones so they hardly took up any space in my suitcase and I haven't had to buy any since I got here. I also know that for some people menstrual cups have helped relieve cramps which would make me a very happy girl.

What kind of post deserves such a title more than one about menstruation and school. None I think. Off I go to watch "the L word" then do some more homework. Since I have only ever read the L word I am very excited to see what all the characters look like.

non-manic monday

I have a fewling this week will be an eternal Sunday but with less procrastinating and more pilates. I am certainly feeling less sick today and did some work for the Canadian company (HK ltd. from here on in). Only 1.5 hours but it's as dull as shit and I had just woken up. I'm also needing information from them to really get started on the project.

So I'm feeling less sick and considerably more horny. I'm pretty sure it's because I'm a bit PMS-y but that is ok by me. I was pretty teary last night before going to bed about going home and missing here and being at my Canadian School. I have to talk to them about what level of Language I should be in. I also looked a tiny bit at schools for MA's and one school has a program like the one here I like both most of the others combine my principle interest with one of my non-interests. I should's really been thinking about it though because it is at least a year away.

Today my breakfast (eating now) is premarinated tofu. Just chunks if is slightly heated and plain. I could eat bowls of the stuff. Some times I'll eat them with hot sauce but I have none. I still like them tthis way though. Want to know something gross? Today was the first day since Friday night I've had a shower. More gross? I've been wearing the same tank, knickers and pyjama bottoms since Saturday evening. I haven't been sleeping in the pyjama bottoms but they go on when I get up in the morning though.

Now that I've showered though the clothes are all going int the laundry. Which I have to do becasue I don't have anything to wear. If it was sunny I'd wear a skirt and flip-flops but it is not. It's not like I'm going out anyway. I have reading to do and possibly some stuff for my fun lecture. I may need change for laundry though. Tomorrow, if I'm feeling better, I have to go into the city and the library. That I need clean clothes for. Unless it's sunny.

Ok, I want to go heat up more tofu. I'm around all day. Wat a disorganized post. hmmm.

I want to add: I have change for one load of laundry which is great and I have gone on a credit card/internet pruchase rush. Train tickets, favour/surprise for friend, and a menstrual cup for myself. I'll explain the last one when it arrives and I use it. Or later. whatever.

Unexpected Reactions

I wanted to write, now that I am feeling more coherant than I was earlier today, about classclown. Now I know I shouldn't be wanting to write about him, but I do. And it's not because I have a crush on him. really. I don't. really.

So on Thursday I left the fun lecture a bit later than everyone for who knows what reason. As I was leaving the building and I saw him talking to his friend who will now be referred to as Adonis. They were talking so I just walked past them because I don't really think I'm their friend and I'm weird like that.

But then I hear classclown call my name and come running towards me asking if I'm walking home. I asnwer positively and he joins me. As we're walking he volunteers, without any prompting, information about the situation with his current "girlfriend". Basically he won't stop sleeping with other people as well as her and he thinks she's stupid and lacks respect for her because, even though she's said if he's seeing other people he can't sleep with her, she knows he's still seeing other girls, but she still sleeps with him. I agree that she is stupid for continuing, but that doesn't make him any better for keeping her around just so he can have consistant sex. It all seems a little high-school to me, but I am in uni so who knows.

We also talked briefly about his interest in girl-on-girl situations where I, without saying much because he has a big mouth, basically say that it's a generic and slightly uninspired fantasy to have. I also find out that he simply can not understand how two guys together can be hot (for those of you who didn't know, it is) and I just rolled my eyes as if I'm so much more experienced and mature.

We get to his door and he asks when I'm going to Sainsbury's. I say 5-10 minutes and he says he'll come with. We set a time to meet outside his. As I turn and walk to my flat I'm cursing myself because all I was intending to buy was crisps and chocolate milk to get me through paper writing and now I totally can't. So I freak a bit and meat him outside where he compliments me on my punctuality.

We talk and walk all the way to Sainsbury's. I spontaneously divulge what my shopping list was but end up buying a mix of healthy stuff to make up for it. He tells me more about a girl he's seeing that he dated during the summer and hasn't seen her since and talks a bit about his gap year. He finds out I'm a vegetarian and says he doesn't like tofu. He talk randomly throughout the who shop. We walk by the musy peas and I comment on how I think it's werid and don't get it. I end up with a can of them and chips in my basket because that, he tells me, is how to eat the musy peas. He flirts with the girl at the till and she totally falls for it. I smile and watch. We laugh on the way out about how she liked him.

I think the thing I find interesting about him is that he's not all that hot, or does he have a great body or whatever. He really gets by mostly on his charm. On the way home he tells me about his large family and his relationship with his sisters and brothers and I share back a bit. We part at his door again wishing each other luck on our respective studying that night.

The next day we saw eachother in our department lab he comes over after a while to say hello and see if my paper is done. I ask him how his test that morning went. Later I borrow a pen from him because I'm a dork and didn't bring one to class. He doesn't go to the lecture that day. I likely won't see him again until April.

I don't really know what to say. Sometimes he says exactly what I expect and other times he surprises me. He doesn't ask all that many questions so sometimes I think he just walks with me because I let him talk and he likes to hear his own voice. I think I laugh too much and don't make any eye contact. The process of making friends is weird. I'm still learning how to do it.

Like time stopped

Well today I spend most of the day looking up various sights hours and costs online around London and the south-west. I had to online conversations with darling people and had two bowls of cereal. As long as I don't stand up I don't feel too sick.
I am now eating After 8 mints becasue there are people in the kitchen and I don't want to have contact with them, but I'm hungry. Pasta for dinner tonight when the kitchen empties though.

Great way to begin

Well it is officially my first day of break.

Today I went to Scotsman's to have a day of film and stuff with him, Lily and others before a bunch of them leave the city and go back to their homes for the break. Some time half way between the second film (Beyond The Valley Of The Dolls) Lily said she was leaving only to later return when the rest of us were going to leave and infored me that they had broken up, but then she decided to stay and talk to him. I have no idea what happened and it wasn't a good time to talk then.

Otherwise I have an invite to go to the biggest new club in the city with Victoria, Island and Victoria's best friend from Canada who is visiting, but I am officially sick. Sniffling, sneezing, slight fever, congested, a bit of sinus pressure. Sucks ass. So I am staying in tonight as well as tomorrow with hopes of getting better quickly and getting myself organized for break.

Nothing otherwise to report. I'm hungry and going to go make some dinner (rice, tofu, ginger, eggplant, carrots) and come back here and kill some times I guess. Maybe some crafting or a film. Or both even.

time to purge

Well I am officially on my month off. I got a quite good mark on the first assignment for my fun lecture, which is great because it is also my most difficult. I am at home now and likely will be for the whole evening. I totally cleaned my room because it was starting to get quite messy (although I have high standards) and finished cleaning the kitchen becuse the cleaners don't do a great job. Plus becasue my flatmates just leave their things on the counters, the cleaners move it all the the table and leave it there without cleaning the table. But today as I was clearing the stuff off the table I put things away even if they weren't mine and I wasn't putting them with the right persons stuff. Hopefully they can maintain it.

Does anyone know if you can gain allergies relating to nature? I'm feeling totally conjested but not sick at all and it's definately becoming spring here. I'm thinking maybe the pollen is different or something. I've been sneezing all day and my eyes are all watery. It sucks. And I have no idea what to do to make it better.

I'm currently having my lunch and am going to go do by taxes because I have all of 100 pounds to last me until my tax return comes or I get paid form my Canadian, both of which won't happen for at least 2 weeks, closer to three. I do have lots of food at home though.

Done for the term

I just handed my completed paper in and I feel very good that it is done and I can progress to all the stuff I have to do over the break. I'm going to buy some train tickets to London later and then go home and tidy my room and start organizing all I have to do over break.

I've got a few things to do before my lecture in half an hour so this will stay short. Send my instructor vibes that makes me get a good (or great) result on my paper.

working on leaving

Today has been a rough day. Just frustration and tiredness and low energy. I am not going to go out tonight because due to major computer issues today my paper is near enough to done to justify it. Kind of sucks because it is St. Patricks day but I have responsilities and I try to honour them sometimes. Plus I'm just not feeling very enthusiastic about anything today.

I talked to my mom on the phone which I don't do very often and it was nice. I had more to say but I forgot it. Gent gorcery shopping with classclown. It was good.

Day in, Day out

I'm not feeling very well today. My energy is low and I don't really want to go to the pub tonight with everyone. I want to get crisps and eat the rest of my dip. I haven't started my paper yet either but I've been thinking about it so hopefully in the next four or so hours it writes itself.

Because I am here, and musicless, any (non-sexual) questions put in the comments will be answered. Island is currently here waiting for a computer, classclown is in front of me and another guy, Musical, from the fun lecture is also here. I love this lab.

Until someone gets a finger in their eye

I have been out much of the evening at Island and Victoria's helping Island with some stuff. It was good.

However.

(I would respond in the comments but for some reason can't access my own comments pages for whatever reason)

I really don't want to offend people when I say what I do and don't like, but wouldn't you rather know than for me to just not write and think people are creepy? I don't automatically think anyone writing is actually creepy, but the messages just make me feel weird. I don't necessarily want anyone to not comment, but if you want the sexual content I have to be comfortable, and comments have the power to make me not feel that way. I don't expect people to know what will always make me feel comfortable, so I said something.

So why don't I turn off anonymous posting? Because I like that people, who I may know, or might get to know can comment without having a blog. I know that comes with hazards, but if you want me to know who you are post with a name. If you don't or you can't post with a consistant name, you can't expect me to know who you are and so I will read the comments with a different frame of mind. Plus if you do post as Anonymous and you want me to recognize you make it obvious. The second comments on last night's post was, but I certainly know who that was.

The second post today about the asshole boys in cars wasn't about me feeling bad about what they said, it was about how when you call someone on something they don't often reply in the best way. I mean the commentor could have responded in a way better way and I guess I was just irritated, if not completely justified. As I said above I didn't mean for my morning post to say the anonymous poster was creepy as much as it creeped me out.

The poster could have responded by first explaining who they were so that I could make a connection as that was part of what made me feel weird, rather than just asking me if I was sure and providing not the tiniest hint. Of course I'm sure, or I wouldn't have said it. And then not further respond with something about enjoying me being bitchy - I was bitchy out of frustration and no one should enjoy someone elses frustration. I saw it as completely disrespectful and like I was't being taken seriously.

But this comment I'm replying to directly and I wish I could do so in the comments themselves but alas I can not:
I apologize for any negative feelings that my words might have caused you. Just take things for what they are and be flattered that I am attracted to you because of what you say and think. I am in now way trying to be sexist or disrespectful. Don't ever let other peoples words or actions effect you in any way. We will most likely never meet and that is unfortunate, because I feel a connection with you on an intellectual basis. I understand the feeling can not possibly be mutual, I have read your thoughts but you have no idea what I'm all about.

Thank you for apologizing. I would like to be flattered that it is also what I think but the context of the comment last night was strictly physical and sexual. That leads me to naturally believe that the flattering is also only about that. I understand now but I had nnothing before this to make me think that. I I didn't think you were intending to do either of those things, but that's how they came across and so I said something, just in case. I am open to knowing what you're about. I have done that with several other people. But when I have no idea who you are or anything how is it possible. Just becasue you think something if you do not directly tell me, I can not know. I hope this clears up how I feeling all of this. I in no way meant to attack you but I was getting a bad vibe even if you didn't mean to send it. If you want me to get good one from you, just take the feedback and keep going. Plus, I still have no idea where we might have communicated before, which leaves me confused.
But I've got to pick on the comment about not letting other peoples words affect you. Are you kidding me? This process is an absolutely essential part to the human experience. I mean it's all in conext and yes, some people should be ignored, but a very dangerous sweeping statement. Also, I thought it would be productive in this arena to explain in hopes of clearing up confusion/misunderstandings instead of just be rude and ignore. I knew it was meant as a compliment, but the way that it was given somehow doesn't feel too much like one. right or wrong, it's how it feels to me, and if you want me to feel flattered by you, don't do it until there's a mutual comfort.

So.

Maybe I'm taking this all too seriously. Maybe I'm not in a state of mind to be posting about things I can't handle such reactions to. We'll see what happens. Maybe I'll only allow comments on some posts. Maybe I'll stop posting certain things. I'll think about it and see.

Maybe it's too much

Once I was walking back from a restaurant to home. It's only about three blocks away from my place in Vancouver. It's was dark out and kind of raining. I was just walking along a busy road and a bunch of guys in a car started yelling at me. Combinations of things that resulted in the memory of "Hey baby, where you going? Want a ride?" I ignored it and kept walking. They quientened. Then as I'm waiting to cross and they're at the light I hear "fuck you bitch. Fat Ass. I wouldn't do you if I was being paid" coming from the same car.

This is one of many experiences.

Honesty is a Mediocre Policy

If you've read even 4 or five posts here you'll have learnt that I am neutrotic and learning more about myself every single day. So at the risk of alienating visitors here is the latest thing I am going to be werid about.

Please no emails or comments where all you've got to say is how you wish you were with me in a sexual context, unless we have previously conversed and I am at least a bit familiar with you. In my head, this is the equivalet of the following situation.

I'm in a bar. I look hot, am dancing with friends and feeling a bit tipsy. I go to the bar to get a drink and a random guy come up behind me and grabs my tits saying something about how he'd like to get a piece of my ass. Not flattering, creepy and gross.

However, if we've conversed in the past, it's more like I go to the bar to get a drink and you (who I recognize from dancing last week) come up to me, buy my drink for me saying hello and asking how I'm liking the music. Flattering and Nice.

Now, I know, as a friend reminded me when I brought this up to her, I provide good material and I do talk about how I would really like someone. However, I'm not here looking for someone, nor do I write anything here with the goal of having people flatter me or say I'm sexy.

In the same way, as I've explained at length, how I need to be comfortable in my real life to be open, I need that same comfort here. I wasn't sure if I was going to say anything, but this is my space and here it all is.

Nothing Like a Bear Bath

I just had a semi-long shower. I'm lying in bed now with my towel wrapped around me but not covering much. My hair is in two braids behind my ears so it'll be wavy tomorrow. I trimmed my pubic hair a bit as it's something I have been doing for the last several months but with very little consistancy. I've notice that my nail polish is chipping and needs to be redone, but my toenails do not.

The lights are off, the door is locked and the alarm is set. Both toys are sitting out on the end table but I can barely make them out in the darkness. The plug has a flat base that kind of lightly suctions onto things that are also flat. no point to that, just information. Today has been a good average day and I hope the rest of the week is such.

Killing time

I have 10 more minutes before I can head to the CD library. The fun lecture was actually kind of fun again this morning and the asssignment has been handed in. I have a 24 page piece of reading to do for a semiar at 2:00 and will do that after the CD library while I eat lunch (salad with cheese and roasted veggies).

There was a book sale in one of the main buildings on campus and all the books were one pound. However, all the books were fiction. I confess that I do not really read fiction unless it's of a specific and old type. I just can't get into it and would rather be reading something about the stuff I study. It's not that I think fiction is inferior or anything, as even the non-fiction I erad is fairly limited in scope. It's just that I'm so interested in the topics that I want to read that stuff. It works out really.

I might go see a film on campus this evening with Victoria and her flatmate Island. Not sure yet though. I have no actual good food at home so I might go shopping and buy some stuff for some really healthy meals. I also want to make this layered dip that is affectionately named "poo dip" looks not so pleasant when the layers all mix up but so fucking good it doesn't matter.

Somehow I just convinced myself dip and an episode of CSI along with some reading would be more exciting than a film. I'm hibernating right now I think. Look for me later maybe.

500 words left

So of the three questions on the assignment I've completed two of them. I've been done them both for over an hour and just can't bear to do the other one but I can't go to sleep without doing it. It's silly really because It's not long and I more or les know what I want to write.

But since then I've:

*talked to a very drunk Paul who still hasn't started his assignment, the Artists and scotman because Lily was knitting but I need to ask her stuff.

*eaten and egg and a sandwich - well the sandwich is in progress.

*packed my bag for tomorrow morning.

* heard my flatmate have an orgasm. Would have been cool if I liked her, but I was really neutral about it and just poured my juice and returned to my room.

I am going to check a few more things online and finish my sandwhich, then I will finish my assignment. My motive will be my warm bed. It doesn't even have to be really good cause I have an hour or so to edit it tomorrow.

My fluffy comfort zone

I should be doing homework but I'm being lazy and eaasily distracted. Read the comments to the last post if you want the question that lead to this post.

It actually takes me less time to get comfortable with someone than it would have a few months ago but it's not like I could say a specific time or anything. I have some people here who I've felt friendly with after one meeting (Politics boy), or in a matter of minutes (striped coat) or several meetings (the downstairs boys - and I'm still weird with them).

It's not just getting confortable with someone it's knowing they like me. My self-confidence is way too fragile when it comes to being sexually/romantically desired, that I'm not going to make a move if I don't have an idea that the sentiment is returned. And last time I did I never heard from the otherwise nice guy again.

If stripedcoat wasn't gay we totally would have hooked up and I was quite calmly rubbing his leg at the bar on Friday, mostly just be cause he was sitting next to me and I was drunk. And had young downstairs boy groped me back the night of the pub crawl I would have likely presued that.

And me wanting to approach the table of boys on friday even though I didn't even mae eye contact with the one I liked, was in my world a big step. I was proud of myself actually.

In a rush

I've got to be quick because there's a giant queue for the computers and I have no work I can do to make myself not feel guilty for posting while people might be waiting to do real work. Plus I have real work to do for an assignment due tomorrow I haven't really started.

I bought some food and now have to find a table to read and take notes. All I really want to do is go home and eat pasta with cheese and butter. But I have no pasta and I really don't feel like going to Sainsbury's. Veggie burger and chips will likely be dinner again tonight and maybe even tomorrow.

I saw the cute bumbling ph.D. student today at my seminar. He was just as cute and bumbly as two weeks ago, but he has a girl friend. How does this come up in a seminar you ask? Well we were comparing a political figure of the past to Tony Blair and discussing if and how he was a member of the elite. Then one of the guys in our lecture (kind of daft, not my type at all) said he must be because his wife's name is Cherie. Then the Ph.D. student said that was his girlfriends name. So there's that, not as if I was considering acting on it anyway.

Then the cute guy from the presentation last week with the chucks was in my inspiring lecture this morning. Unfortunately this morning was the last lecture for that module so no chance of talking to him there. But our seminar is smaller and we always discuss so that's fine. It's something about his face. He looks very serene and sincere and un-troubled. Hard to explain.

There's another guy in my fun lecture. He's a good friend of classclown and they went to the same school growing up for a few years at least. I don't think anything of him because I just haven't had any conversations or anything with him, but physically he's something else. Cheesily, something about him reminds me of classical sculpture. His hair, his arms, his face. It's all so defined and masculine.

Well that's enough pointless obsessing today. I've got to go take notes and write 1000 words on non-English poetry/philosophy/science passages and eat.

Retiring to warmth

I feel a bit more organized about my homework but actually did very little. Tomorrow will require serious library work in between lectures and them serious stuff at home to because I have an assignment due on Tuesday for my fun lecture. I also have a paper to write for Friday, but it's St. Pat's on Thursday and I'm obviously going out drinking so it must be done by 4:00 on Thursday.

When I live my in own flat again (or at least back in my flat where my flatmate is nice and not dirty) I am going to watch films while in the bath tub. I wanted to today but didn't feel like I could. I also probably shouldn't be spending over an hour in the bath at a time though.

This week is the last monday in a long time where I will have to wake up for a 9:00 class so I am going to head to bed relatively early. I will get up at a decent time tomorrow and have enough time for a morning shower. (something's going on in the kitchen that does not smell good)

I'm sorry I've been boring and mopey this weekend. Excitement is planned for Thursday and Saturday (Dinner and films at Scotsmans) and this is my last week of lectures for four weeks. Over break I have someone very special from home coming to visit me and we're going to spend a week in the south west. I also have a weekend trip to London planned and thoughts of visitng Birmingham or Newcastle should I decide I can afford it. Brum will be cheaper technically, but is likely to have better shopping. We'll see.

I am doing some freelance work for the company I work for in Canada but it's the most boring shit ever so you have much complaining and procrastination to look forward to. Victoria is away much of the break as is Lily, so I'll also likely be bored an lonely sometimes. I also have a major paper to write before term starts. But a lot of work and little fun release means more wanking than usual so it's not all bad.

Also, I will have less new stuff to write about but more time to write, so if you all want to hear about something let me know and I'll see if it's post worthy. ok, I've got to run and jump in bed. Hope everyone has throughly enjoyed the weekend.

tearing down the walls

My back is feeling much less sore and I am feeling a bit more emotionally sorted. I really have to do some homework though. I should have went to the library today but I don't think that's going to happen. COnsidering I haven't really done anything since I last psted other than sleep, eat and read I have nothing really to say.

I just wanted to check in and say thanks to the people who have contacted me over the weekend as it's helped a bunch. I'l likely post about something later today but it depends on the homework progress.

Evolving Self-Image

I finished watching the film I was watching earlier. It's wonderful. I'm still feeling really sore and a long bath might be warranted in the morning. The flat downstairs (not the one with the downstairs boys) it having a party and being really loud. Normally I'm not too fussy about noise but there lots of banging on tables and lots of horrible house music. I hope they go out but it's getting a bit late and every minute that passes means there is less chance that they will go out. Oh, actually it looks like they might be moving to the block across the yard. Perfect.

So I hope I didn't offend with the last post. I fear from a comment that I may have and I certainly had no intention to at all. I did put a long response there but it does have me thinking. Although, I'm not really sure what I'm thinking about and so it's foggy.

I guess I've been getting told recently through this that I'm sexy and I'm reacting oddly. I thank everyone who has done so, but I have undefined feelings towards it and I'm not sure why. I'm going to list some random points regarding this and some will certainly be clearer than others, and some will relate more than others.

1. I'm not used to people seeing me as a sexual object. My friends don't do it and I haven't be involved with anyone on a sexual level in a long time. It's unfamiliar.

2. On an intellectual level I know I'm sexy both in a physical and mental way. But everyday I'll see myself in the mirror or something and I lose all perspective that I'm even attractive. And it's not just in the way that everyone is a bit insecure sometimes. I have two pairs of pants/trousers right now. They were both bought before I moved here. RIght now they are both starting to need to be replaced just becasue I wear them a lot and they are getting worn. However, it is really hard to find jeans that fit. I have been wearing the exact size and cut of GAP jeans for two years now pretty much. But here, they don't sell them in sizes big enough for me. I'm currently in an internal panic because I don't know if I'll find jeans that fit me. I've considered asking the person who is visiting me next month to bring me a new pair from home. I'm also going to check in London GAP's and see if they have a wider size range. So I guess the point of all that is that it's not all in my head.

3. I fear that when people say I'm sexy they're ignoring other parts of me and it makes me uncomfortable. I get messages telling me how sexy I am, but none when I feel like shit. And the last few days I have felt like shit. Describing myself as hopeless and pathetic don't strike me as sexy.

4. I really want to be validated but not for one thing, but everything. I don't that's what I want people who read to do, but that's one of the things I want in someone to date. "You're sexy, but I want to have a conversation with you." Maybe that's why I feel weird about one line emails that just say I'm sexy. I appreciate it, but it makes me feel objectified in a way (not necessarily in a bad way either) I have never been before and I don't know how to react to it.

5. I don't see lots of the little sexual details as sexy when I probably should because they are. I just see them as details of my life. Like I went to sainsburys, I did some homework, I wanked, I crafted and I talked to Lily. All everyday things with equal value in a way. I guess in my real life I know this is not the case because my friends certainly don't know all these things about me unless they've asked or it's come up in a drinking game. I wish these things weren't things I have to keep guarded from my life and that is partly why they come out here.

I'm going to leave it there for now. I hope I haven't offended anyone or made you less likely to comment or email. I'm working through this as I go and sometimes I don't know how I am going to take something and my reaction is also changing and evolving. I also know I tend to take things really personally when they shouldn't be so and analyze everything. Both of these things are also things I'm trying to change. If I'm going to say whatever I want here, I have to be prepared and open for how others are going to react to it.

Last thing. Last night Dakota and her friend Wavy were with stripedcoat and I. I like them both a lot. They are both prettier than me and thinner, but very normal bodies and stuff. Dakota looks like Audrey Hepburn a bit though and I'd do her. Anyways, I was kind of eying this boy all night sitting at the table across from us. A red shirt, blond, tall, plastic framed glasses. So late in the night where things have started to emplty a bit there's a bunch of guys sitting at their table and we're at ours. Dakota and Wavy have run out of smokes and want to ask the guys, but I say I want to. I don't smoke (EVER!) but I wanted to gjust go and ask and start the conversation just to see if I can do it.

I am really drunk but still very conversation-able. So I ask a guy at the table (not redshirt - I was not that daring and he was sitting on a side of the table I wouldn't have been able to get to easily) and he gives us one and we talk a bit and then I lean behind him to pass the smoke back to my friends, while we're still talking. But he notices Wavy and totally stops talking to me and starts talking to her. Pretty much mid-sentence. I didn't care too much because I had zero interest in him. While I was happy I started the conversation and was flirty and such with a stranger who was pretty much out of my league, as soon as he saw someone prettier I was ignored. If I had approached the guy I did like and he did that same thing it would have probably bothered me more.

Well I'm surprisingly feeling a bit better in general after writing all that isnstead of just like I suck more. I guess I need to learn that I am sexy and just to take the compliment and keep going. I do have a significant amount of faith that eventually someone in my real life will be intereted enough in me to stick around to see all this stuff unfold.


Wavy, redshirt, and guy I asked for a smoke.

slow going day

I had a shower somehow hoping that it might make my neck feel better but no luck. It's still really slow. I'm having some lunch now and I'm going to watch a film on the computer. At 6:00 I'm going to meet Victoria at her work and have a drink just because we aren't going out tonight anymore. I'll likely go to Sainsbury's after than and pick some stuff up for dinner tonight and tomorrow. Or just chocolate milk. I can make do with the food already here and I've been obsessed with chocolate milk recently.

I'm actually really tired right now. Think it's mostly that my neck is so sore. But I did forget to say that right before I left to go out last night I had a quick wanking session because just looking at the new toy on the bed made me want to try it. Worked well and will be throughly enjoyed. And wasn't near as hard getting used to the size as I considerd.

Damage done

So this is the closest I'm going to get to an awkward morning after situation.

I got some good/blurry pictures from last night. My room is a disaster. There is stuff all over the place. I'm tidying it up a bit though. My neck is really sore too for no good reason. Sleeping oddly is probably the most likely thing. I'm not sure if there's really anything to add to last night's post. I have no idea who was outside the window when I was topless. I hope I didn't know them. If any of yesterdays post didn't make sense ask questions and I'll clarify in the comments.

I just got an email saying the party we're going to tonight is cancelled. No reason but I'm sure I'll find out over the course of the day. It sucks but I spent a lot of money last night so staying in and doing homework tonight wouldn't be awful.

I just looked out the window and a bunch of guys from downstairs were looking up at the window as they walked past. This might be an embarrasing while drunk story. I have very few of those.

But, I need help from you. Yes, you people reading. Yesterday after what I thought was a regular post I got two emails - both of which I will reply to. But the thing is, both were basically saying I was sexy and I honestly don't get it. Well just in that I thought the post was not sexy at all. Or am I confused as to what post was being referred to. One I got just as I was leaving the house and it made me feel good, and the other I got when I camehome and it was funnier only because it was like one line long.

All that said. I really like hearing from people. So comment and email and all that stuff. I don't spend much time on msn, but if you've got me on your list and I'm never on, tell me you want to talk to me and I'll make more of an effort. I've got to finish tidying my room and shower and eat. I'll be around.

OH MY WORD

ok. so I am drunker than I have been in a long time. YTalked to striped coat honestly. danced with dakota to new order. I ate chips and talked to a guy we call john lennon because of his hair adn the chip place. I hsve chips in my purce but I ate them all. what a greAt night. so I'm standing in front of the windo wof my flat and I thinik someone saw me pretty naked from then top up. I still hav e m,y thong on.

I got two emails oday afte whayt I think was a sad post about how hot I am/ I llike comments and I like email but man give me something to fucking work iwht in my real life. One done good, other not. I'll worte in the morning and I will not edit this. this iks to see who I was. MHY thong is wet and I would have totally fucked stripedcoat tongioht if he asked me to and if he was straight, I did say I was 40/60 though. and I am more like 70/30 or somethinfg.

doe sany of this make sense at all? This is only one of two nights really. ok. I am off to bed. who kjnows what will be tomorrow. I misss someone who I am used to and U SHOUDLN;T MISS. sorry. caps. iok. goodnight everyone.

Doing what I want

It's in the middle of the afternoon sitting at my desk with junk food and in a tank and a thong (cream and pink, respectively). I didn't go to lectures today but I went to a meeting with a woman from my Canadian University who is here doing some stuff early this morning. I also walked to parts of my town I've never been to to pick up my parcel. I'm waiting to hear about when were' going for dinner for stripedcoat's birthday.

So the parcel. Well it was in a big box. Nothing interesting about the lube. But the toy. It was in a much bigger box than necessary which is why the whole thing was in a large box. It looks a bit large, but I know I've had experience with larger things so a bit of refreshing is all I need I'm sure. It's not that big really. And it's nice and cushy (low-density silicone) and flexible, and just feels nice on my hand.

Because I'm going out tonight and tomorrow and have a lot of work to do this weekend it might not get used for a little bit. I'm also still feeling a bit like a loser who will never find someone to have sex with her ever again, so wanking isn't really something I'm that excited about right now as I feel a bit rejected.

I had a dream last night about jogging. I was running through a field and it was muddy so it was hard to run and I kept having to slow down. Suddenly I hear two people call my name and I see two of my friends (old friends, really) mom's. One of them is a wonderful woman and he daughter has been my friend since we were about 6. We see each other only occasionally now but have a bond. The other woman is awful and I've always disliked her; her daughter was a friend from about 6 years old until I was about 16 and then she moved to a differnt school and turned into a complete bitch who I now can't stand one bit (but she was one of the girls I had a very early sexual experience with at about 12 years old). So I feel stupid and wish there was no mud and they ask me how I like England and I say that it's brilliant and they congratulate me. By this time I'm on comcrete again and I take off running.

half full of resentment

I just read an episode of the Gilmore Girls. It ended with Rory being told by one guy he liked her, but her syaing she was into someone else and then that someone else coming to her flat and them making out. So usually I'm left with a warm and fuzzy feeling about characters I like hooking up but not tonight.

Tonight I feel resentful and lonely and like the world is rubbing my face in my state of inescapable singleness. I am feeling sexually lacking and not as pretty or as wonderful as I should be feeling. I guess I kind of felt like a failure and a bit hopeless since early in the day. Sad and pathetic are other words that come to mind but I really hate ever associating them with myself.

Classclown is out of town for the next week so I'm hoping not seeing him for a while will settle that down in my head. I wonder what's wrong with me, or what I'm doing wrong, but I'm not really doing anything other than just kind of being myself. And I am sometimes shy and awkward, but also outgoing and fun sometimes. I just don't know. I feel like even when I meet people, no one is going off afterwards thinking about me. Not in a "she's fit" way or in a "she's cool" way. I don't think people dislike me either, but I'm just kind of in the backgroud.

This mood is a far cry from how I should be feeling considering all the social events lined up before the end of term and even into next term.

Finally

Well for whatever reason I wasn't able to post today. I just put up an entry I had saved and wrote earlier today.

I'm in a better mood now a bit and saw a wonderful film (I heart Huckabees) tonight. Going to head home in a few minutes and have a snack and do some reading and go off to bed. I've been emotional today and I want to have dinner with people tomorrow. I don't really feel like going to the party on Saturday but I will and I know I'll end up having fun.

I'm still feeling lonely today though and really need a hug and some reassurance. I have made a lot of friends here but today I miss some of my ones from home. Those who would kind of drop things and help me feel better. I do feel ok though and know I'll feel better tomorrow.

To Be Loved (amatus)

I just spent the last half hour writing a really long post that I didn't copy first and it was lost into the abyss of wherever lost posts go.

The short of it was I feel lonely today and I want someone who wants me to not feel lonely. I had a dream that was complicated but the main points that transfer into my real life are feeling nervous when it's not warranted and wanting this who guy-finding thing to be simple and natural and uncomplicated.

Last night I at first thought Lily and scotsman were hot because they love each other, but they also lust for each other, then they made me sad because everyone I was with was coupled (friends or relationships) and I was on my own. Two gay boys hooked up and I knew one and was finding him really annoying so I didn't think they were that hot despite me wanting to. I think the reason I found the one boy annoying is because he had said something not so nice to stripedcoat earlier that day and I was irritated that that made stripedcoat leave early and not dance because I wanted to dance with him. I also found out that we think stripedcoat has developed a bit of a drinking problem and it upsets me.

So there it is in under 10 minutes. No details but the important stuff. I want to go home and lie in my bed and cry and read. But instead I have one inspiring and one waste of time lecture to go to and then I'm meeting Victoria and others to go see a film tonight. Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow and Dinner with good people will help.

I do want to add that over all last night was good. Got suitably drunk, danced and have no physical hangover today. And I got to spend lots of time talking with Lily which we haven't done too recently. We're also going to have a dinner party at my flat after the break which is exciting.

myself and others.

Ok, so I'm home from the night out. black thong and black tank that I wore tonight are all I'm still wearing. the tank straps keep slipping down my arms, threatening to reveal a wonderul set of breats. (Is that arrogant?) ANyways, some things I will consider writing about tomorrow.

How I sometimes hate couples.
How coulples sometimes make me want to sleep with them.
My ideal amount of alcohol.
How much gay boys make me hot, unless they are annoying.
What I learnt about stripedcoat.
How much I adore lily and will miss her.
How I need new eye make-up remover.
How disappointed I am to not have lusted over a single boy all night.
How easy it is for me to be all talk and no fucking action.
How sexy I felt with hair tousled from dancing and droplets of rain on my bare cleavage.

I'm almost finished my sandwich and I'm going to go read a transcript or two in bed. Have to e on campus tomorrow by one, so not an early morning by any means. Also, going to a film tomorrow night, dinner on Friday (striped coats birthday) and party on saturday (the hawaiian theme). I'll be around.

You've got mail

Well my parcel had an attempted delivery today but no one was home so I have to call and get the delivery resceduled. Satuurday probably because I'm not likely to be home on the other days to get it.

I ended up not wearing the dress today because of getting up late and watritng for the shower and such circumstances. Normal jeans, tank and sweater instead. I felt pretty though. I also felt smart. leading a presentation, knowing stuff in my seminar. Quite good really.

I'm going to go read some transcripts and have lunch, but I'll be around should it strike me to write anything.

Nipple Clamps?

The Artist liked to bite me. I didn't know I liked to be bit but he made me realize I did. He really liked to bit me though and sometimes he'd bite me at times (on the bus) or in places (on my cheeks, the ones of my face darlings) and then I didn't like it so much.
I remember once we were making out on the couch in my fathers living room. Naturally my shirt and bra had come of really quickly. He was lying on top of me with his clothed leg pressing against my fully clothed pussy. He was fully concentrated on my tits and I was delighted. We had both learned at this point that I can get really close to an orgasm just by playing with tits. Licking the underside of them and bitting my nipples are particularly effective.

Suddenly he stoped. I opened my eyes and looked up at him. He kissed me lightly and said he's sorry. I looked at him confused and he said "I bit too hard." I looked down at my breasts, slowly gowing up and down with my breathing, and I noticed I was bleeding. Very slightly but my left nipple had started to bleed. I kissed him, placed his hand back on my breast and started pushing my pelvis into his thigh again. He took my cue that he should be way less than sorry and we both ended that evening very satisfied.

One of the things on my list of "sex toys to buy" is nipple clamps. I've had my nipple pierced as well but removed it due to being a bit of an annoyance for dance. I've been considering redoing it in the last several months though.

That day though was probably the first time I started to realize that I ddin't mind pain as much as I anticpated I would. We only did that a few times, and only early in the relationship. We never delved into any bondage type stuff, and he wasn't into domination as much as I would have liked him to be. Me being blindfolded was a habitual occurance though. I was also often left with bite marks throughout the time we were together.

Slowly losing touch

Ok, so I was in the library earlier when I posted and I saw young downstairs boy come into use the computers. I don't think he saw me and we didn't aknowledge eachother. But god is he hot. Like disheveled hair and cool clothes and reading and stuff. And it makes me think about the night where we spent tons of time together and blah.

Then I do a bunch of stuff and end up in my departments building and classclown is there. He is not hot. He is charming and outgoing and loud. But he makes me smile and close my eyes too. We talk breifly about not going to our lecture on Friday.

So by this time I'm thinking about these boys, and I rememebr a dream that I had in the last few nights where an old friend of mine who I was very close with when we were about 10-13 and then he moved away. Last time I saw him was about 6 years ago. He was wonderful. I don't remember my dream but it wasn't a bad one and it made me think of him.

Then I'm sitting in a seminar later and I realize one of the guys presenting is fucking hot. Disheveled hair (if you can pull this off, do it - it makes us think of you in bed, which makes us think of you naked, which makes us hot and want to grope you), very worn in chucks, a sweater with a dress shirt underneath (Politics boy does this too and it's hot). So I'm watching him talking and he's smart and british and all that.

But you know what? I won't do anything about any of it and makes me want to put my hand down my pants to feel how wet I am more than it makes me want to jump them. I've got to break this pattern.

Tonight I'm going to stay home and read. Laundry is on the go and a pedicure will occur later. Tomorrow is the big night out.

It Occured To Me

1. That picture is really me. The garter is one of three items I own in red. The others are a thong and a shirt. Also, it makes me realize how really pale I am. I like it usually though and I don't really tan either.

2. Having another dream last night involving the Artist. He came with me and my friends to a trashy English wine bar and ended up flirting a lot with one of my friends. Then he ended up passing out away from us in a bar with another girl. I wasn't mad or jealous at all. I was just glad to see him again, kind of embarrassed by how drunk he got and felt a bit bad for my friend. I'm not worried about the dreams about him though; I know I have them when I want someone. It's like a sign of wanting to be involved with someone who likes me. I also think it's connected to my increase in thoughts about classclown. I don't really know what's going on yet, other than he makes me smile and that in many important ways, he's not the type of person I need in my life for more than friendship.

3. If you haven't figured it out by now, I don't eat meat. I do eat eggs and Dairy though (Laco-ovo Vegitarian). Since I've been here meat is becoming more and more gross to even look at but I think it's party because my flatmates aren't super hygenic about it. This also contributes to me needing the kitchen clean. All that said, eggs are starting to freak me out. I do eat them regularly because they're a great source of protein and I like how they taste, but every time I crack one open I get scared a half developed chicken is going to fall into the pan or bowl or whatever. Like I'm hesitant to break eggs and kind of keep my eyes half closed when I do so.

4. Classclown keeps mocking Elliott (I spell it different everytime I type it) for meeting his girlfriend on the internet. First of all though, I realized today that Elliot tries to get physically involved incoversations but never has anything to say and that I used to do this when I was young, and didn't quite know who I was and was with people I was uncomfortable with. It's unfortunate that he's 19 and still does this. Anyways, I should defend him to classclown and I don't. Truth is, I met the artsist online. We were young and didn't meet live until after talking online and on the phone for over 2 months and didn't start dating until another month or so after that. I didn't mean to meet somone online but it's how it worked. I also don't think that seeking someone out online is bad in any way. I mean why limit yourself to the area where you live.

Off I go to do more reading and go to a meeting.

Planning Stages

Well I know I'm supposed to be reading. And I kind of am. But I was thinking today about wearing a skirt, but it's cold. I do have grey tights that I wear but I wanted to wear this back dress with a sweater that doesn't look good with the grey tights. But a comment that cmae in reminded me that I have a garter I can wear with my fishnets. Paired with my trainers and a clutch this is the perfect thign to wear out on Wednesday.

But I've never worn the stuff together so I put it all on (and took the picture below). But all this putting on fishnets and a garter got me distracted from my reading with a cunt that became very wet and was demanding attention. So I have taken all the clothes off and put on a silk and lace sleep dress (cream, sheer, vintage, knee length). I am now sitting with said sleep dress pulled up to my waist and I'm going to read one of the books. I can read the other one tomorrow as it's for as assignment due later.

So, I am even more excited for Wednesday because it means dressing up and may even include curly hair or big sparkly black hoop earrings. with the black nail polish too, I'm feeling fucking awesome. And, the sex toy should arrive Friday at the latest. Probably won't play with it until then though no matter when it arrives.

warm and cozy

I'm at home now. I'm sitting in the comfortable chair in a pink tank with lace trim and my new thong that's white with black polka-dots. May hair is tired up in a bun. I've got some leftover pasta by my side, as well as stuff to do my nails (black polish) and 4 books, 3 of which I must return by tomorrow at 10:00 am. I also have translation to do for my fun lecture in the morning. On top of that I want to read at least some of the magazine I bought and do my usual internet stuff. Today I bought a hip flask with my uni's logo on it. Not only useful but a way more representative souvenir than a shirt of something.

This afternoon I was walking home and thinking about how much I hate pictures of myself. And really it's because when I see pictures of myself, I don't think I look like that. Even on the rare occasion when I look good in a picture I'm kind of shocked. When when I look in the mirror sometimes, I see not quite what I picture. I mean you think if there was anyone who's image would be the same in reality and in imagination it would be yourself.

Live from the Library

Well I didn't get up early this morning as planned so now I have to stay at the library for at least two hours. I've got a load of reading to do for various things.

I got some good emails today including a free place to stay while I'm in London in early April, which is super good. I'm feeling anxious about Wednesday. An assignment will be done and have fun plans with Lily and likely others. Very excited.

The party I'm going to is a Hawaiian theme and I'm not sure what to wear. I can't justify buying a grass skirt or something. I know tons of girls will be wearing bikin tops, which I would not do even if I owned one. I will put flowers in my hair because I already have them. I would wear a grass skirt but can't justify the purchase. We'll see. I'll see what Victoria is planning on wearing.

One Post A Day

Today has been a whole lot of work. Well mostly. I did wake-up, wank and then not get out of bed until 1:00. But after that I worked a lot. I have just finished a late dinner and watching some American Idol. I am now going to do a bit more work and head to bed to read the magazine I bought Friday.

I was up late last night doing homework and talking to a friend so I'm pretty tired. I did dream again last night, but nothing like Fridays and nothing I can really remember. I did involve a guy though. Don't know how. Tomorrow my 9:00 am lecture isn't happening so I'm going to go onto campus later but still early and do some work in the library.

I feel boring today, so there's not much to say. I'm excited for this week though: one more assignment done, a film, dancing and a party. Two assignments due for next week and then I am officially on Easter break. I should also have a new toy by the end of the week.

Hope everyones weekend was as relaxing as mine, but in a more exciting way.