To Midge

Do you mind that I write about how I'm feeling in relation to you on linger? My thoughts are going crazy and it's somehow gotten all tied up into C, who I'm apparently not done thinking about. But some of it is relating to you and Blondie also reads so I want to make sure it's ok.
I feel like I need advice but I'm not willing to open myself up to anyone enough because what I'm keeping kind of makes me feel pathetic. In itself that is sad and untrue but it is still that way. When I sugarcoat stuff I know what the advice is but I'm not sure otherwise. I feel like I should just know it and it should just happen. But nothing ever happens and I don't know how to do anything else.
That all went further than I planned. I feel stuck in my lack of relationships.

(An email I just sent. You may get more later. I'm feeling confused and needing affection and companionship. I'm dyeing my hair red.)

Heat

It is so warm tonight I am going to have a shit time falling asleep. But I am very excited for the parade tomorrow and that's kind of keeping me up. I do want to straighten my hair in the morning though which means an extra 45 minutes onto my normal 20 minute morning routine.

Last night I had some crazy dreams. The major part involved the young downstairs boy and being in England and me wanting to have fun playful and light sex but him being really stressed about it being "right" and a certain way. We were in his room which had three doors to it and people kept walking in and I thought it was funny but he didn't. Then there's an image of him undergoing some pretty intense bondage-y torture play at my hands that is not usually something I think about.

There's one part I specifically remember where he was lying on the floor with his head kind of propped up and his legs kind of apart and I'm kneeling between his legs sucking him off. I'm wearing a white t-shirt (which I'd never wear in real life) and no bra but he says to me "Shouldn't your shirt be off by now?" Now, in my real (or should I say potential?) sex life, I love clothes. I'm super comfy in my naked body too, but something about having sex half-clothed is kind of hot for me. So in the dream I didn't take the shirt off but pulled it up so it wasn't covering my breasts and got back to the task at hand.

Actually the "comfort with my naked body" thing was something I thought about last night and wanted to mention. I was doing stuff last night because Titania was out and it was right before bed and I was fully unclothed and I felt so comfortable. I felt beautiful and sexy even. Like I had this awareness that my body is not perfect or even close but that just my posture and relax-ness completely equaled it out. It was the ultimate in simplicity that just felt awesome.

ok, I have to close the curtain which separates my bed from the living room because I'm all fondling my tits in a manner that is going somewhere and I have no idea when Titania is coming home. I also had a fragment of a dream about Midge but I'm not sure what happened. It was about sex though.

Foursome

I haven't been getting notifications of comments because I entered my new email wrong but I think it's fixed now.

I really like using the word cunt. I find it's a strong and powerful word and never use it as an insult. (Unless I'm playing borad games with close friends and alcohol is involved - but then I'm not really being insulting.) Plus it includes everything: labia (labiae? labias?), vagina, clit, rather than just one part.

Noise and sex is just as good as silence and sex. Yesterday I practiced slience. Today I'm going for some noise. I have constucted some of the midge fantasy to be full of silence and hushing. The few fantasies about CRB were noise centered.

Would people find a post summarizing all the people I talk about helpful? I'd keep a link to it on the main page too.

Using Smarts

I had my smart balls in for several hours tonight. I find that they tend to shift a lot when I stad up after sitting down but it was much better today and even less feeling like they're going to fall out. Also, sometimes you can't feel them at all and other times the balls are totally moving around and every feeling is amplified.

I actually spent a good portion of my time watching "Without a Trace" lying on the couch trying to make the balls move. (They are little balls inside eachlarger ball and the larger ones don't move at all so it's a really neat feeling) Anyway, it's less productive than crafting or cleaning but just as occupying.

I've taken them out now because I'm in my bed but my cunt is throbbing and, though I'm not really aroused, is demanding some serious attention. It will take very little to get me off tonight.

Making Decisions

It has been so wonderfully warm in this city. I haven't worn any jackets or hoodies of any sort in weeks and am living in skirts and tank tops. Often when this happens in Vancouver it gets all smoggy and rain is very needed to clear the air but it's been windy enough that that hasn't happened and it's been beautiful as a result.

Chatton and I are full of ideas and motivation about really focusing on a business. We've been super excited when we talk and both want to spend more time on it. So this Saturday we're doing a bunch of work. I have also decided to just work at HK Inc for another two weeks and then spend the last two weeks of my summer making things and relaxing.

I honestly don't have to much else to say. I've got to sync my computers up and do some cleaning becasue I want to feel more organized. I feel in a fairly good mood but just want to create so so so bad and working all day isn't the right environment to do so.

oh, I've got a new email address if anyone wans to use it and I'm almost up to 3000 unique visits to the site. I've also received notification of Midge's return date and it's marked on the calendars.

Did I mention?

1. I loved my outfit today. Straight hair, green sparkley eye shadow, sheer yellow wide neck, 3/4 length shirt over turquoise tank, turquoise warp skirt, ballet flats.

2. I have my smartballs in action as I type. I'm getting more used to them and fears of them slipping out are quickly dissipating. I will surely venture to wear them out at some point in the future.

3. I love SILK brand chocolate soy milk so much. Warmed up for a bit in the microwave aand it's so bloody good.

4. On Sunday I'm going to the pride parade with Titania and some other friends. We're doing breakfast on Davie first which will be great fun. We'll probably hang out the whole day on the beach because it will be fun.

5. I really want a skirt at Banana Republic but didn't buy it despite having some extra money and being downtown after work. It's even on sale and pink and silk. I might buy it later in the week if it's still there.

6. I bought hair dye today (on sale!) but it's bright red instead of my normal purple-black. I'm not going to do it for a few more weeks I think it's good to have around. I'm interested to see how I like the colour change. The black has been pretty standard for the last 3 years or so.

7. I'm feeling done with any interest I've had in C and it's time to find someone who hasn't been involved with a friend of mine and now it's awkward.

8. Chatton and I are restarting our business under a new name. We will oficially start on Saturday and I am excited.

9. I'm trying to sleep early so I get used to getting up when I'll have to in September so I've got to run to get ready for bed. I also am in need of an orgasm tongiht which means getting in bed extra early.

10. I really want everyone to vote in the poll on the side. Please. It'll make me happy.

Coincidences

I finished that being pretty exasperated but I guess it's left me feeling like any of the potential that may have been there is gone. Titania said I just had to find someone else but that is no easy thing. Also, the three people who know said that this shouldn't mean I should forget about him. Even Miranda said he was really nice and funny.

In other news, I am wearing my smartballs and I like them a lot. I would totally wear them out to certain places. I can only feel the little balls inside them moving sometimes and it's not instantly or completely arousing but it certainly increases my awareness.

I want a person to have sex with.

P.S. this audiopost is how I tell a story when I'm drunk or excited. I promise I have had no drinks today.

Continuing

I spent yesterday on my own just doing things that kept me warm and distracted. I'm going out with Miranda this afternoon. We're going shopping but I have no money so I won't be doing any actual shopping. We talked this morning and I just unloaded. I feel like I'm doing that to most of my friends when I talk to them and then I feell bad. I might head downtown early and see if I can take some books out of the library about grieving. I have $39.00 of fines so I'm not sure if they'll let me take anything out.

I had a dream about guys and friends and dancing and not knowing what I want or wanting something that doesn't want me and not connecting with people who want me. My female friends were trying to sort me through it and then there was people sobering up to drive us home and bands people missed. It was a mishmash of things.

Broken

A little more information about my life.

I live in a co-operative housing building. That basically means that when people move in they purchase shares and while theylive here own part of the building. We do all the management for the building and have committees of residents that organize and make all the decisions. I have lived here since I was two years old and my parents were on the committee that started the process of building the complex. I have lived in four suites in this building and hold it very close to my heart.

When I was 12 and 13 I phased out using my first name in favour of my second one. Hardly anyone calls me by my first name except occasionally my mom, one grandmother and some very distant family and friends I don't see or talk to often. It's kind of like I associate that name with a different person. It makes me feel uncomfortable and young and insecure.

So in my co-op a phone list of everyone is distributed with what committee everyone is one. This makes it easy to contact people when something is needed. We got the new one and basically my old name is on it and there's no phone number. I received a note the same day I got my form to update to call another meber to give them my numbers. SO I did that and consequently didn't fill in the form. No one attempted to call me.

Even more is that is says "Not participating". Now one thing we erally try to emphasise here is the understanding that not everyone can be on a committee and you can still be participating that way. But then the list really made me angry becasue it's like I've been back here for less than 8 weeks and my father just died. No, I'm not fucking participating but give me some bloody time and I will. I was on the board of the directors for two years before I left and was on a committee from the day I turned 18 and could be on one.

So I feel pissed off that I'm being treated like a delinquant member when I'm just stressed and disprganized and healing. These are the times when all the neighbours who have known me for a long time should be really understanding and try to help me out.

So then I went to the corner store and the guy who has owned the place since we moved here 21 years ago said I must be glad to be back considering all the things happening in London. I just said that I lived north of London. And I left and walked the block and a half home in tears. I never missed this place like I miss England.

I want to go back to my life that was just about school and everyone only knew my middle name and my Dad was alive. But I can't. And it just makes me feel awful and shattered. Everything about that phone list makes me want to curl up in bed and block out the world. I know I can't do that though, so I am going to craft and watch films and zone out into a place where my world has no troubles and is exactly how I want it complete with England, a mother who isn't like mine has been since I returned, people who love me, and assorted other things like that.

Feeling Single

I was surrounded by couples or at least people who were coupled all night. I met a few new people, laughed way to much with Chatton (vejeege is so short for vagina and cooler than vag), and drank myself to a happy but not incapacitating state. I had fun but now I feel alone.

I was sitting on a tiny sofa with Chatton, leaning on her, our legs intertwined. I said to her that I was the only non-coupled one there. SHe said two other girls weren't coupled. But then said oh, right, because they were their others were just not there, either at their homes and sleeping or on their way home. Then she said that it was unfortunate. I'm not sure exactly what that meant if I were to read into it but unfortunate was the exact word used.

And then I was thinking about C becauseChatton asked how the night ended at Claires and if I taked to him. I explained but then said the evening just kind of ended and Nothing happened and I hadn't seem him since. SHe then said something to the effect of "so there just wasn't anything there" and I said that wasn't necessarily true but then didn't know what to say. I thought about saying that I just didn't think he had enough energy and craziness for me but then said that I'd think up something to make it seems like I don't want it. She didn't quite get it, mostly because of all the alcohol, but it was a very true thing for me.

On the other hand I received an amazing but all too short call from Midge today as I was about to leave the house. Then I texted her and received and weird/half cut-off text back and then felt giddy. Like the fantasy of her hands and lips and pussy have become something else. And I'm not sure if it's partly because of the seeming impossibility or what. And tonight I wanted to tell some one. I wanted input and I just couldn't tell anyone. I just couldn't.

So now I'm naked lying on top of my bed and waiting for the cat to come in. I might make pancakes for Titania in the morning if I'm up early enough. I think when it comes down to it, I just want excitement. I want to be excited about school, work, friends, boys. I want to wake up everyday knowing that anything can happen. I want someone beside me who understands that and wants to see it too.

And, though off-topic it may seem, I may not have the best body right now, but I am hot. I got tons of compliments tonight. My hair, dress, mood. I was in this place where things clicked and I was happy and comfortable. I want to be there more. I want to be there forever. And I know it's totally possible. And one day I will meet a guy who kind of gets me and wants me, at least for a while. I know it won't make everything good but it will help. And it has to be out there I know, I'm just concerned and starting to become confused.

What is the (my?) problem? Why isn't this part of my life existant? It's not even a question of why it's bad? why does it not exist at all?

Coming Home

I am so happy it's Friday but it's not like the weekend is full of excitement or the week was that bad. Well I'm going to a BBQ at Chatton's tonight but I'm not sure who's going to be there or if it'll be fun or just a bunch of people getting stoned and being boring. I'm bringing a huge bottle of gin so I'm hoping for fun.

I am so sweaty right now and need to decide what to wear tonight. All my skirts are dirty right now but it's way too hot out to wear pants. I was wearing them today but I took them off after my 10 minute walk home and they are so gross. I couldn't imagine even contemplating jeans.

I am currently listening to The Dawn and Drew Show. I found them on iTunes but they are a podcast that's been around for a while. They are super funny and I'm hooked to listening to them. I've also been listening to the CBC Radio 3 Podcast and it's stellar too.

I'm feeling passive today. I was feeling that way last night too. I was wanking and it was so not about actually being aroused or even thinking about sex. It was just a tension reliever. It went really quick too. BUt then it was like nothing. No release. no good feeling. Just time to go to bed. I think it has to do with getting back to work and not feel as excited about my world. I only have 5 weeks before school starts too.

I'm eating pita and artichoke dip but I am going to go have a shower. I hate getting dressed right after a shower because I feel all moist and uncomfortable. I'll be back and I'll write more.

Ok, back now. All towel-wrapped and not gross and sticky. I'm supposed to leave like in the next 10 minutes but that's so not going to happen. I put my new smart balls in for the first time. I had some thoughts of wearing them tonight but they're not in super comfortably and that would just irritate me all night. I might consider it another time when I get used to them.

I've decided what to wear (black wrap dress with pink tank, flipflops and fancy earrings) but I'm not sure what to do with my hair. I have to decide soon though. I don't even know where chatton lives though. It's new since I've been home and I've never been there. I know in genereal where it is but who knows other than that.

I wanked in the shower and thought of C despite him being off my mind for quite a while. There's not a big chance that he'll be around tonight because he's not Chatton's friend so I'm not too sure what prompted it. Maybe my saxually passivity was started with the stuff about midge. I only think that because it's like something that isn't entirely impossible (even if it's not likely or possible) and honestly that's not something I'm used to.

None of that made any sense really. I'm going to go get ready to go becasue I shouldn't be too late. I'd be irritated if it was my BBQ. I'll report later. or something.

Stressful

I'm feeling like everything is overwhelming and I just want to sort myself but I have to actually do things. The major thing right now is getting my stuff out of the UK and back here as well as fixing my UK bank and credit card accounts which are both over their limits/overdrawn. A big mess really and i want it to be taken care of.

Otherwise I just want to bask in the sun and craft. I'm still feeling kind of lost about my Dad's death. I keep thinking that I'm not coping well but I actually think I am it's just that I'm still so right in the middle of it. Like I am actively coping and it's hard and sad, but knowing all that means I am coping well. I think so anyways. I think I'm going to get some books on greiving from the library after work today.

I've got to run and write some procedures about filing and then actually do some filing organization. I'll probably go for a short walk at lunch just to get some air and a small snack. I was so rushed this morning that I didn't eat breakfast and hardly packed anything for lunch. I am really craving pancakes and keep meaning to make the batter in the evening so I can quickly make them in the morning.

Wednesday

I'm at work and technically finished lunch but I'm not feeling very motivated. Keavy is in today though and only Sandals is here because Regina had to go early today. All that means I have to stay another three hours and do more work. I finihsed a bunch up today and sorted out some of my phone stuff with Bell. I do have something to work on this afternoon but it's so nice and sunny out I just don't want to.

I'm feeling super-crafty right now and just want to work on some of the projects I've been thinking about. I'll probably goof off online until Keavy get's back from his lunch/gym break. Chatton and I talked when we went shopping for her birthday last week and we are going to start our business up again. We're going to do differnt products than before becasue we really had one basic thing before and we were both feeling a bit bored with it. I think we'll still make them but not as many and it will not be the primary seller.

This means we need to put some somey into it and get a web presence established so we can sell in stores and online. I'm really looking forward to it but we need to do some more planning and be a bit more diligent and business like about receipts and costs and earnings and such. I also have some CD's to create and things to colour and I just kind of want to focus on that. It's so much more fun than writing policies about filing systems which is not quite surpassed in boringness level by doing the filing itself.

That reminds me I need to call my Uni and get some information from them. Then I will try to do some actual work.

From Yesterday

I started writing a post yesterday but I had no motivation to finish it but it wasn't that interesting anyways. Titania is out for the night so I am going to have a nice peaceful wank in my bed when this is done and I read a few of my regular blogs. I have tons of things I need to do on a practical level and on a work level and I feel really busy and short on time.

I am also currently hating my mobile company (Bell Mobility) who I normally really like. Their online account management stuff is stupid and confusing. My brand new phone broke so I have a crappy loaner and am being charged like 70.00 to get the other phone fixed becasue it's passed the 30 day warranty. Plus I have this giant bill.

I did feel good at work today. I was there and working a full 7 hours which feels really quite impressive and I feel ok about doing that all this week and next. I know I actually have it really easy but I'm just not used to it so it's been an adjustment. Olive will be back on Friday which is good too.

I've been thinking a bunch about my nipples recently. It's kind of weird and I'm not sure why. I am contemplating peircings again whcih is pretty silly of me. I am also just thinking about how they look and how I feel about it and how they affect the state of my breasts as a whole. Like colour, shape, placement. It's all randomly floating around my head. Nothing coherent or focused.

I am also without the finaicial ability to shop right now and without a guy to gush over or even to contemplate. Both of which will lead to me feeling understimulated and depraved if I don't fill the gap. I have lots of crafting to do and lots of paper work/sorting to do so I guess that will actually happen. I'm having a big garage sale in a few weeks so I have a whole storage room to go through as well as my hallways which is filled with stuff from my dad's flat. Not as exciting as guys and shopping but it needs to be done. Once the hallway is empty we are going to have a house re-warming party.

In my sleep

On Friday night I dreamed something about me telling Titania not to wear kitten heel shoes to The Festival and it hurt her and she was damaged and crying and hurt and I was being agressive and uncaring.

Last night was different. There was Titania and a boy and something sexual seemed to be going on between us or about to but we were a bit weird about it because we weren't sure what it meant for our friendship. Then the boy liked me and thought that when I was talking to someone else about liking someone I meant him. I left where he lived one day and we kisses very stragely and awkwardly and exchanged numbers. He wanted to drive me home but I felt uncomfortable about that.

I have to go but I was putting on make up a\nd doing my hair and it occured to me that I'm not quite alternative enough for guys who are into that but also not quite standard/average/normal/whatever enough for guys who aren't. I love NIN but also The Be good Tanyas and I am seriously lusting after every coach bag I see but can go weeks without shaving my legs. I'll think about this idea though becasue I'm not sure it's entirely true.

Colour and Sun

I have actually gotten a tan. Not a burn but a real live tna on my chest, shoulders and upper arms. This is kind of exciting. My skin tone is kind of like most other peoples with no tan and all the freckles on my shoulders have totally come out. It's fun. It was beautiful out after about 11:00 and it'll be another great day wheather-wise tomorrow.

It's been an even later night and I'm exhausted. My legs are tired, my eyes are tired. The only part of my body that doesn't want to sleep is my pussy but it's just going to have to wait until I have a tad more energy.

There's a comment on this post that will get you all up to speed on the mini-stitch with Midge. I am totally settled about it and content to leave it alone. The festival has a way of making me feel setteled about the world really. It also reassuress me that there are lots of hot, single guys that are into cool music. If only I could actually meet one...

Calming

Well I am at home and just about to sleep because we have to be up by 7:30 tomorrow. My irritation with Titania has calmed mostly because this is my official weekend of no stress and I think when she spends haoppy time with me it relaxes her and she feels a bit more focused.

I got through the night with only needing to cry a few times but then not actually needing to so no actual crying occured. It's weird that I have no actual after-death beliefs so what I think about it all is coming really naturally and is hard to explain but sort of comforting, in a way, sometimes.

The watehr was not good but only a few oatches of light rain in the early evening and it does look like it was starting to clear a tiny bit so I am so ready to wear a skirt and tank top tomorrow it's not even funny. I want it to be sunny and hot sooooo bad.

Complaints

1. Well the weather was supposed to be great this weekend but it looks like the forecast has moved forward a day. So today they're expecting rain and tomorrow clouds then the sun I was expecting is on SUnday and Monday. I hope the weather people are wrong and it brightens up a lot this afternoon.

2. Titania went to the boy's house and stayed last night and itsn't home yet and I'm a bit irritated. Maybe unreasonably though. Basically this is a super hard weekend for me and I'm feeling really alone about it. Also she knows about Reginas brother and that it means I have to go to work this morning but she's not here yet to pack everything we need for the weekend. I'm a planner and this stresses me out. Plus the dishes aren't done and I understand why she doesn't feel like doing them with her job and all but they can't stay like that all weekend. I just hate that he is the only thing tht motivates her but she's not trying to find anything ele. And really all he motivates her to do is to go out with him. That to me is not how someone should make you feel. They should make all parts of your life better and more exciting or at least more bearable. They should make you want to be a better version of yourself. But I guess they are just casual and you can't expect much. But she hasn't followed up on the jobs she applied for and that's just killing her own chances to get away from her shitty job that she hates.

I really just want her to be happy with her life and not just a stupid guy. A stupid guy can be part of it and certainly not all.

3. I'm just sad and tearful and have a lot to do but I'm only half thinking and she's chosen spending the morning with him instead of helping me. I'm kind of hurt.

Death

I had a hard time on my way to work this morning because they reality of going to the Festival this weekend (the beloved Folk Fest) without my dad hit me. I alwasy go with him and this year I can't. Just Tara and I. It's crappy. I have to go there tonight to meet with the committee I volunteer on and usually my Dad would also be having a meeting so we'd bus back into our end of the city together. But not today. Today I go alone and return alone. Total crap.

Also, to make the world more uplifting, I arrived at work today around 10:30. Some background becasue I will no doubt be blogging about it. I work in an office and we make medical devices and there is a lab. I think our company has a total of 11 people. It's tiny. So there's my bosses Heavy and Keavy (of HK Inc). Heavy works from home and apparently only comes in about once a month now. But he does payroll and is the main one in charge of the project I'm doing. Keavy is currently on holidays but works in the office whenever he's not out seeing clients in the city or elsewhere in North America.

Then there's the lab manager who is also Keavy's younger brother. He is hilarious and so nice but has the crappiest work ethic ever. He's laid back and procrastinates and it drives me crazy when I'm trying to put policies into the labs day-to-day activities. We'll call him Delinquent becasue I call him that alot.

There's also Olive of course who is away this week and next. She is Heavy's neice. The two other women that work with us in the office are Sandals who's in her late 40's and is really nice, a hard worker and other good stuff, and Regina, a woman in her late 30's who is very catholic but so sweet and naive. The people in the office make me love this job when the lab and management are totally on my nerves.

So anyways, I came in and only Sandlas was here. I thought Regina might be in the lab becasue her sister-in-law works there but then I found out she left this morning shortly after arriving because her brother died this morning. I don't knwo what has happened yet but it's awful.

But it's a nice day out (expecting to hit 32 c over the weekend) and I have a weekend coming up that is usually my best weekend of the entire year and I want it to continue to be that. So here's a big FUCK YOU to death. I don't like you and you make me sad and angry when I don't want to be. You suck asshole!

Cut-off point

Well today I re-confirmed the fact that I have a serious problem with shopping. Breakfast out for Chattons birthday turned into a shopping trip. Shoes, purse, skirt, hoodie (and yes, shoes is plural on purpose) and more. Everything I bought was under 20.00 each so I was at least buying things that were at good prices.

I'm just at home now. I'm cooking for dinner but have everything I can do started (little dishes of chopped garlic on the counter even) but I need Titainia to come home with the rest of the ingredients. Then we'll cook and eat (I'm so hungry) and probably watch TV or films. It's wednesday so that means I have good trash to watch.

In sad news a friend I know through Miranda is really sick. I haven't seen him in years but he's super sweet and we were good friends at one point. He endured trivial persuit with me even. But he's in the hospital with pneumonia and the doctors have basically said that he's not likely to get better and people need to say their goodbyes.

I was in a vintage shop when I got off the phone with Miranda and went into this rant based on her comment that people in their 20's shouldn't die. Mine went on about how no one under 80 should die, ever. I was speaking out loud to Chatton and the universe. I wanted the universe to know that people dying in their twenties and in their fifties is totally not ok. It's wrong and just not how the world should be.

But then I guess tons of things that happen are not how I believe the world should be. An as I'm typing this a song that played at my Dad's funeral started. It's So Long, Marianne by Leonard Cohen. I'm exchanging CD's with someone and the songs to be included are your choice based on your own answers to a bunch of questions. Like on of the questions is your favorite Holiday song and I am using Wham!'s Last Christmas.

Anyways, I chose this song for the song to be played at my funeral. It's kind of upbeat but still perfect. We chose it as part of my dad's service because we knew we wantd to include a Leonard song but not sure which was. Then I was going through my Dad's binder of guitar tabs and found this song and the lyrics are great.

Now so long, Marianne, it's time that we began to laugh and cry and cry and laugh about it all again...

Ok, sad over the next song on the list is the song I'd want to play at my wedding. Now I have issues with the concept of marriage and don't really get it. I won't be getting married unless it gives me something else like tax breaks, child benefits or dul citizenship or something like that. That all sounds awful - I believe in monogamy and making a commitment I just don't se why I should need a government to rubber stamp it for it to mean more.

Distracted again, my point was that I won't have a wedding but I'll have a big party at some point and if it's to celebrate love the song that I will be sure to include is You're the Storm b The Cardigans. I makes me feel loved just hearing it. The party will also be well decorated and have amazing food.

I'm at work!

Well all new adventures really when I get to blog from work. I have my laptop here and have hooked myself into the net work and it's great. I have got a bunch of stuff done this morning. Big thing however, is that Olive, who I'm supposed to be training and can't finish this work without, has been shipped off to a two week temp job by our boss so isn't here. I can still do stuff but my office fun buddy is missing. Upside is that I will start to bring lunch and that will save me money. Well, as long as I avoid frappuccino's at the starbucks across the road.

Finding Excitement

I bought new toys today. The smartballs I have coveted for a while are now mine. Plus the lavaspot in matching colours. It's much tinier than I though but has some cool pulse settings and is nestled in between my legs but tunred off as I type. Titania is sleeping on the couch and our new "Golden Girls" DVD's are playing.

I'm thinking about Midge and what any of this does if anything. I'm not "worried"or anything like that, but I will admit there are some new "what if's" and curiosities about her return. We have a plan to spend a day or two alone just to cook, and craft and listen to music and stuff. We thought about this a long while ago and isn't formally set at all but it's in the plans. So now it's gently rolling around my head if that has suddlenly taken on additional potential.

I mean I've had crushes on girls but never anything I've wanted to act on, or known that there was potential reciprocation. And my only girl-girl experience that was more than experimenting was a kiss snuck in the heat of the moment when the Artist left me and one of our friends alone for a few minutes while watching a film. We never talked about it and it never happened again.

So now I've trying to decide if I actually do want to act on this or it's just some fodder and lots of missing her and the immense growth of our friendship over the last 8 months or so. I miss our long rambling chats and I am eager to have her home to hang out with. The question is, are missing her and sexual frustration combining to give me confusing and false feelings or I am I totally overthinking and a little harmless making out would be great? or something like that.

I also think part of this is that she knows. I've fantasized about friends before but they've never known. (aside: I don't know how much of her thoughts she is passing onto me is considered fair game to re-type here. Total grey area. If she didn't read I wouldn't care but she does.) And I know she thinks positively to a certain degree I just don't know to what extent and in what way.

I realize we should talk about it but occasioanl emails aren't the way to go. But then maybe I should just relax and enjoy my sexual thoughts for now and set aside reality until it's closer. Maybe by then we'll both have boys and be less sexually frustrated. However, I think even if I'm getting laid I'll still kind of want more. hmm. But it's all good thoughts, and maybe it's only about not getting my hopes up. That is an actual possibility.

Last, and unrelated, thing: I have a awfully sore throat and have been sucking on strepsils like there's no tomorrow. Everyone hope I don't get sick. I have a very important weekend coming up.

Blabbering, pt 2

thought completion: about half the people in my life are single but they strike me as more easily coupled/laid than me for whatever stupid reason.

extra note: I am lazy (typing with one hand even) but didn't want to make a third rambling post about nothing.

regret: I should have said more about things with Midge (completely fine) but I didn't. I think it falls in the "too sensitive to be said aloud" category and will be written soon. I will also ignore that she will actually read whatever I type because it's only fair to the rest of you. and her, really. BUt it is all good stuff if only with a bit of wondering.

Blabbering, part 1

Back In Bed

Written around 1:40 in the afternoon:

It's kind of cold in my falt so I just want to stay curled up in my warm down comforter and spend all day here. I did get up for a bit to eat and watch a downloaded episode of 30 Days, whichc was quite good. Now I am back in my bed. I actually was woken up by the cat wanting out this morning so I opened the back door that is right at the end of my bed and I could hear the rain and it was really nice.

I just let the cat out again and accidentally caught her tail in the door. She's a little freaked out to come back in. Ok, she's come back in now because a cat that likes to beat her up is on the deck. Also, she does not seem to be upset with me so that's good.

Last night I had a dream where A bunch of my friends were on a bed at my flat and were naked or partially naked and then I started to play and suck their breasts and nipples but then another friend callled to say she was on her way over and I knew she would not approve of the behaviour so we all got back dressed. Then everyone was hungry but I felt too lazy to cook so people were picking things out of the cupboards to cook for themselves.

Later in the evening:

I was supposed to go to a show tonight but after many tears shed after a conversation with my mom, not an argument at all, and Titania not going out and realizing that if we were to make it to the show we'd have to leave in like 20 minutes and neither of us had eaten we decided against going. Instead we ate out again and watched the office special.

I could spend a bit typing out details of my conversation with C but I think it's enough that I approached him, we did talk over the course of the night, he said he'd watch for the DVD I want to arrive in and that he'd give me a discount if he's in when I buy stuff. All good stuff but nothing super exciting. I am going to try to keep very relaxed about it.

Drunk in Vancouver

It's finally happened. In so many ways.

Yes, Midge is the friend I am fantasizing about on a fairly regular basis and with some thought and avoidance for a few days I might actually think is a good idea in real life should we still actually be in the same places we are now. sexsually frustrated and without any other possible prospects. I think we talk about sex enough that it could be very decent and we have four more months to increase that success rate. I probably wouldn;t be saying this if I wasn't drunk and if not for the following but both are true and I am thinking that the best thing will eb a true result. Email me darling.

I want to wank so bad right now but Titania is home and not asleep yet. A very long, intesnse and lingering orgasm will happen in the morning no matter what I might do once this post is complete.

BUT accomplishment of the evening really involves the party which was great. It renewed my faith in some people here that I was kind of friends with and now and good friends with and that we can have so much fun here for the next 20 months. Titania fell alseep on the couch by midnight as she was tired and has been very stressed over the day.

BUT , again, I talked to C in a non-crazy-drunk way because he was actually there! Yay! Nothing too exciting, but I took the vulnerable approach and asked him if he remembered meeting me and he didn;'t but all was cool. We talked a bit and over the course of the last few hours I moved from the couch that was accross the room from him to the same couch and right beside him. I left without a formal good bye but he's going to keep an eye out for the film I want at Virgin and will give me a discount if he ever rings me up again. I feel great about how calm and not crazy I was. yay! again!

I have not the faintest idea if he was interested but I looked great and was drunk but very conversational still and I think I made a great impression. I am super happy with how the evening turned out. I am goign to finish my huge glass of water and then wank, only maybe to orgasm, before falling into a blissful sexually charged slumber.

London

I am sad. Death bothers me, seeing photos of london under such circumstances bothers me, fear bothers me, war bothers me, violence bothers me. I dislike that we live in a world where people do things like this to other people.

I am making crepes for breakfast for Tatania and her sister. We've got a bunch of things to put on them, both sweet and savory.

I have no plans for today and I am just hanging out. Tonight we're going to Claire's but until then there's no plan. I have some papers to sort and until then I'll just watch the bad day time TV and relax.

Developing

Tonight Tiania and thign her the boy were weird. I guess I just hold people up to a high standard and if I'm somehow upset with how I'm being treated I'll almost always say something even if it's just a small comment the next time we talk. Especially if I'm upset enough to tell other people about it. So when she doesn't I feel like I should say something but then she doesn't need anyone tellling her what to do and if she wanted my advice she'd ask.

But when you wait around for three hours to go out and then when you say you're not interested anymore because you're frustrated about waiting so long and then he's irrtated at you for being confusing and you think that's completely fair I think somethings wrong.

Also, Tonight I overheard her talking to her mom and she said that he was the only thing making her happy right now and so she wanted to spend a lot of time with him. I think that's bad. People should add to your happiness not be the source of it, especially the only source of it. I know she's unhappy with her job and she's feeling dissatisfied with some of her friends but those are things only she has the power to change. It's not like she can't get a better job or go out with the friends she does enjoy, or meet new people. But when she spends most of her free time with me or the boy, it limits her time to presue other things. I'm on her ass about the job and I am wanting to go out much more now plus I think that it's ok to not hang out with friends who you don't have a good time with.

I guess I am a firm believer that you create your own happiness and it can't depend on any one thing. Or maybe I'm just jealsous or have unreasonable expectations. I may be a little unhappy about not being in England and having to go to UBC in the fall but I'm trying to focus on what I do have and the good parts of it. I have to because I know what happens to me if I don't.

I also think part of it is that I'm not sure about this guy in general and I have not met him. I know he stayed here overnight before I came home and I know Titania would rather stay here with him sometimes. He's weird about it because I am sleeping in the living room (Separated by great curtains as of this morning) but I told her it was fine under a few conditions. Basically no sex that I can hear can occur, I have to meet him first outside of the flat and not on a night where he ends up over, and that my sleeping schedule be respected. But he's not interested.

I want to get off that topic because it's kind of frustrating me. I just don't want her to shove aside her feelings for his because then she has less right to feel hurt if his behavour repeats because she didn't tell him it was not ok the first time. It's confusing and inconsistant. blah. ok, I'm really done now.

I went to virgin today again. I didn't see C, almost bought Quills and actually bought Wonderfalls. I am not at all expecting to see him tomorrow at Claires. I am also probably going to go out on Friday night to see a friends show even though I am supposed to go to my sisters overnight. I'll end up just going there in the morning instead. I told Titania but she didn't seem too intersted so I'm not sure who I'll go with. I have a few other people to ask though.

Have I mentioned how much I love my queen size bed compared to the tiny single in England? The down duvet is really much better too. (yes, I am in bed right now.)

I wanted to say one not-so-cryptic thing before I go. You know how when there's something that you want to say but you aren't sure how it'll be received so you don't quite say it, but it's obvious what you want to say? ya. I have to go wank now. more tomorrow.

Seeking Slumber

I am lying in bed. I am kind of tired but not wanting to actually sleep. My neck is really sore but I don't think not sleeping will help it any. I wanked earlier because I should take advantage of Titania's absence but came really bloody quickly. I don;t usually take a long time but tonight I was kind of surprised by the speed. Usually whe I am wanting to have an orgasm just to release energy I'll be faster but that wasn't the case tonight.

I'm feeling a bit fucked up and my neck is really quite sore.

Basically I feel off because I am constantly fantasizing about a friend and C is a stoner but I'm still hoping he'll be at Claire's birthday gathering on Thursday night. I guess there are a few things about these situations that make me see them as a problem.

First, I think that if C is there that I will be a dork and not actually talk to him or be really aloof and make no eye contact. This would be normal behaviour from me. The other alternative I'm used to is getting really drunk and silly but the only thing we'll be drinking is a bottle of wine split between Titania and I.

The other issue with C is that he smokes pot. I guess I'm just in a place where my experiences irritate me and I don't want to jump to the conclusion that this means he will be boring and slow and complacent, but I do. I know it doesn't have to be true but it often is. I want to be meeting people who want to go out and do things and I kind of assume he won't be that way. He'll just break the flow of drinking games because he's too stoned to keep up. Blah.

I actually will be going to Virgin tomorrow afternoon because I have to go downtown to do something else so I might as well check if the DVD I want (and if he) is there. He hasn't been in the last three times I've been there but one of those times I didn't go downstairs to the area he works in.

ok, I feel a bit less occupied now and a bit more tired. Off I go.

Epidemic

Today I stayed home mostly because it's been raining all day. But I did some things around the house and had the patio door open all day because it's warm and I love the sound of rain. Right now all the lights are off except for a small lamp on the table where Titania is looking for jobs and for a 5 candle candelabra that is fully lit. I am on the couch with the lap top revelling in Van Morrison's Astral Weeks on the record player. The cat is chasing her food around the kitchen floor before eating it.

The scene is set.

But I did go out today and I saw a guy I had thought good things about over a year ago. He works at a super cool lesbian owned toy store in my neighbourhood. He's really tall and weird and funny. Some other guy I hadn't seen before rang up what I was buying but this guy came over and talked. We always chatted before about various things. Some of his art was showing at a local library and he mentioned I should go see it.

Once I was there and I was buying jacks for crafts. I was looking at them oddly and he asked if there was something wrong with them so I said something about needing jacks I could drill holes through. He said he thought those ones would work and that he had lots of experience with drilling. I snickered after I left the shop. There's also always a riddle of some sort on their sign outside and I knew the answer today so I went in to make sure I was right and I was.

So another boy to think about but never act upon. Story of my self-made world really.

Also on my mind are vibrators. So I was thinking of getting the Tech Direct Gift pack on this page. However I am also interested in the mermaid.

They are comparably priced but totally different. I was never one for the "dual" type vibes, but since I've gotten one that can be used during penetration I have a renewed enthusiasm for it, but always miss the clit action when using it that way. However the Lava spot is waterproof and something about wearing the smartballs when no one else knows is kind of hot to me.

A life of difficult decisions I know. Unrequited love and a growing sex-toy collection. I feel like sighing.

Last thing of note today is something I hinted at earlier I think. I'm hesitant to get it out of the safe space of my head but I know I should and I can't actually tell anyone. I have a platonic female friend who has been playing a pretty significant role in my wanking thoughts as of late. I knid of just letting it be that right now because it makes for great orgasms but it's not something I want to actually act on right now. I don't think so at least.

I think I'll leave things at that for now. I;m downloading all of the season 4 Queer Eye episodes. They'll be so fun to watch.

On and On

Ok, before I continue what I was starting to talk about on the audio post I want to say that I think my voice is much truer to what I sound like day-to-day than my last one was.

But I was talking about Betty Dodson's column in BUST. The thing is that often she uses it as a way to sell her products or products she supports/sells on her site. This doesn't bother me at all when she does it on her site but in BUST it does. Also I dislike how she is kind of discouraging to the theory of female ejaculation - something I've never done but something I believe others do. She doesn't say it doesn't exist but in a recent letter said basically that if you're happy without it why try as it might not be possible for everyone. I think that's just silly though. I know part of her non-focus on it is that she really holds the clitoral orgasm as very important and wants to take attention away from vaginal/penetrative orgasms but why does one have to be more important than the other?

My final gripe tonight is that when a man asked about buying a dildo for anal use that could be shared she said only to do so with a condom on the toy. Good idea, but sillicone is a material that can be sterilized and shared between partners safely and she didn't even mention that. hmmm.

But, I'll still go to her site to look at photo's readers send in of their own pussy's/cock's because that kind of thing makes me hot.

Also, I realized while making my audio post that I wasn't comfortable saying sexually explicit things (wank is a word I strangely avoided) despite loving to do so in intimate or close-friends situations. I'm hoping that will change but in the mean time if I venture into sexual subjects with my voice it'll be unique and infrrequent but a step forward.

oh ya, I still want to be loved and fucked, just in case anyone things I'm settling down and my hair is all curly/wavy today and looks cute.

edit to add: I'm in a spending mode and want new toys and my fav sex toy store has packaged two toys I want with a great sounding lube (thick like aloe, yay!) together and offers $10.00 off on them. I must talk to blondie about how she likes the one she ownes that is in there. exciting.

I am

jealous of people in love or having sex on a regular basis. Not bitter jealous but something else. Longing, hopeful, worried.

Almost an Edit

About C, our mutual friend didn't just say he was a stoner. She said he was really talented at what he does and that he'd have a really great future a head of him if only he'd not smke pot so often. That to me was the really bad sign. Also, this group of friends (includes this girl, Claire we'll call her, and Chatton) has recently kind of lost (or distanced) one of our dearest because of a coke habit he developed. I'll admit this might affect how I'm feeling about drugs in general especially when I never thought this guy had the bad sense to advance the drug use as he did and used to be one of my examples of people who could smoke pot but still progress with their life in a positive way.

I guess I've just had some people who could handle drugs and others who let it take them over. Sometimes in really extreme ways. and other times it just made them boring. Neither is good really. Maybe I'll go more into how I see drugs another time. It's complex and still something I'm sorting out. I don't like feeling automatically negative about someone who does them but more and more my negative experiences are out-weighing the positive ones.

I was going to talk a bit about how I used to be a dancer becasue I wasn't sure if my ballet references below were confusing. Then I thought I might have already done so. Who knows really. I'm feeling scattered nd confused today.

I got a bunch of digital phtots developed yesterday from the year away. I go to pick them up today but I am so concerned that they won't look goood and it seriously kept me from sleeping. I feel kind of sick-nervous about it and my dreams were full of references to photo's. Both situations about others photos and the ones I'm anxious about.

Titania is just getting ready to go out becasue she is going to a wedding today. I am going to go have a bath with my new bath/massage oil I bought on Wednesday. Then I've got to pick up phtots and a few other things. I am also waiting to hear from Miranda about going out tonight.

Being a dancer

I bought new pants to lay around the house in and they make me feel like I should be doing pilates or ballet warm ups or something. It's a good feeling though. Comfortable, stong and relaxed all at the same time, motivated in some way too.

I just went to hook up a scanner to the computer and found out it's too old to work with the mac so no luck there. I guess I'll let my sister have it becasue her computer is old enough that it'll work for her.

I feel sexy and secure today. I kind of straightened my hair before going out, only had a tiny bit of makeup on but simple comfortable clothes. I'm still feeling a little down though and think I'm going to not go into work next week either (I should email Olive and tell her) but I'll get some work done from home so I'm not stalling the project Im supposed to be working on.

I also went into Virgin today but stayed upstairs and away from the section were C works and instead just to where the girl I know works. We chatted a bit about music (juliette and the licks and the Earlies especially) and then I asked about C. Turns out she's actually good friends with him and he's really nice and cool and fun. However, and it's a big however, he's a stoner. Now I'm not against pot in general but if you're friends call you a "stoner" I just don't know how interested I am in you anymore. Kind of sucks but we'll see.

(a song that we played at my Dad's funeral just came on - I'll Be Here In The Morning by Townes Van Zandt)

In other news I was just inspired to check my site stats. Basically something was screwed up with my uk connection or something and I hadn't been able to get onto the site in a long time but today it works. I've added a tiny counter that displays unique visitors to the site based on a cookie that lasts one hour.

I also stopped by a shop that one fo my good friends works in when Titania were downtown doing stuuf today. It was so good to see him and we said we'd make plans to go out soon. It was great. He'll get a name soon but not today.

Titania and I were going to go out tonight to see a show with some great local bands (ie Young and Sexy - also check out their label MINT which has a bunch of great bands) but we're feeling broke and these bands are around frequently enough. So instead she's going to see the boy and I am staying in to relax and craft. Maybe I'll do some ballet warm ups even. Time will tell.

Added Information

1. I am going through all my pictures of the year and I will be printing up my favorite hundred or so. Considering I have some 1200 pictures that I have taken since September that should be amusing.

2. I am in love with Craig Furguson (a scot). He hosts late late night after David Letterman (who I really dislike). He replaced Craig Kilborn (I had a huge crush on him) sometime in the last few years when I wasn't watching TV. I think it's partly my yearning for the accent but he's so funny and has cool guests too.

3. I sat on my roofdeck for a few hours this evening with Titania and crafted. We brought the laptop up so we could listen to music and the sun was shining and it was very nice.

4. I spent $140.00 on a flat iron yesterday and I love it even though it was stupid-expensive. It works so well and the added confidence of adoring my brilliantly straight hair is so worth it.

5. I smell like sunsceen and I like it.