Getting somewhere

Well I am more relaxed about hearing from CRB. I put it out therGetting tirede that I do want to see him so when he calls we'll make plans. I have had no need to talk to him today. I'd still like to but I'm not feeling so stressed about it. Over the weekend would be nice if he's got some time becasue I will feel a bit lighter from exams and I always feel more relaxed on weekends.

I didn't go to group today. Instead Titania and I went for breakfast (Eggs Florentine, hashbrowns and Tea) then bought some stuff we needed for the christmas party. We also sent out a round of invites but there's still some more to do. It's getting every exciting and really coming together.

I'm going to try to do a paper tonight becasue I am ready to do two of the four and I know even though I don't want to do them I will feel way better once they are done. There's good tv on tonight though so I will do some of that too while crafting. I really just want school done so I can craft all day everyday and not feel like I should be doing something else.

Third

CRB did get back to me and he is otherwise occupied. He asked what was up and I just went pathetic and said I was just wanting some company and that even though I wasn't sure before I now know I do want to see him so when he has some time to let me know.

I am bored. I want to sleep but I can't really. Titania should be home soon and I can talk to her a bit. I obviously am feeling strained. I must absolutely do one of my papers tomorrow before group. I must avoid thinking about CRB and focus on myself.

But I want to see him. I want him to hug me. Maybe I wanted to be this person he wanted and was lonely for. I want to sit with him and feel him and feel what's happening with me. At first I was nervous but now I'm not. I want to know where things are and how I feel with him. Who is he now? Is the chemistry still there? Are the "what if's" still there? Does he see it too? I just want it all out in the open where I can deal with it and move forward. I don't have time to sit and dwell.

Titania is home. There'll likely be more tomorrow. But If he were to call me now and ask to meet I would be ready to go in five short minutes.

A Slippery Slope

We my mom came over and I showed her a bunch of the stuff I've been making. It got me excited and happy. Then Midge called and let me know when she'd be arriving to see me before I head off the England. But then I layed down and now I fdeel sad and alone. blech.

Titania won't be home for two or three hours and I should not contact CRB.Hhe'll phone me when he has time and wants to see me. He could be at work or out doing something. I guess I wonder if maybe he doesn't think I want to see him. But then I was the one who called last and I wouldn't have if I didn't want to talk.

I hate how my mood is still so fickle. I am so at the whim of the world. A phrase, commercial or moment can shift my mood for no good reason. I will go to group tomorrow and I have councelling on Thursday. I also have tons of homework to do I don't want to do at all. ever.

crap it. I'm texting. I asked if he was busy tonight or tomorrow. You all will know as soon as I do. How can I feel excited and self-loathing at the same time? Well both of those but in minor ways. More like jittery and like a loser. ugh again.

(10 minutes later: no answer from CRB and I wish my favorite discussion board wasn't down for maintenance until tomorrow.)

Unknown feelings

CRB never texted last night. He was drinking though and I wouldn't have wanted to see him if he was drunk. I will strongly resist the urge to call or text him and see when he gets ahold of me. I have other things to worry about. I don't feel hurt or disappointed but confused a bit. Nothing new when it comes to him though. I would invite him over tonight if he does contact me. I want to see him now. I want to have him hug me and make me feel warm and loved and like everything is going to be ok.

This morning I woke up and was stressed and exhausted from more crazy dreams. I didn't want to get out of bed at all but I have a presentation to do in a lecture today so I had too. Te bus ride took me from rainy Vancouver to snowy UBC. There's was a good 4 inches out there. I almost cried on the bus. Everything about the world felt sad.

I am feeling much better now. My presentation went well and people cheered me up. I know that being around people will usually help meak me feel ok but it's hard sometimes. I still feel low today but somehow feel I can do things I'm not really sure I can. I don't think that makes any sense.

(added at 20:40: I really want CRB to phone. I feel like a loser. ugh.)

Possibly Visiting

After the texting of last night I called CRB tonight. He was at a Christmas function so we didn't talk for long. I told him what to watch for food wise because he was at one of my favorite restaurants, which is only a few blocks from me. He said when things were done he would text me and see if I wanted to talk then. I said it depended on my progess with homework but it doesn't. It depends on me.

Part of it is that I want to look really good when he first sees me. I'd love to be wearing cute clothes, handmade jewelery, great eye make-up, straightened hair. But today I have unbrushed hair, no make-up or jewelery and yoga pants on. I also have no desire to get dolled up at this time of night.

Titania and I took a walk earlier to buy some groceries for dinner. I wasn't that hungry at all though so half of my dinner is still on the stove. But we walked and it was nice. We got some new magazines and chatted and laughed. It was good. It was also really cold out so I felt all bundeled and cozy - mittens, two hoodies, legwarmers, scarf, the whole bit. It's supposed to snow a few centimeters overnight which is super exciting.

I'll update if I do see him without a doubt. Oh! My main reason for updating at this point is that he told me he had no motive to see me again. He just wants to be my friend. He sees us no longer talking as just kind of losing touch and wanted to be in touch. He repeated about not wanting me to feel uncomfortable and if I wasn't good seeing him yet that was fine. He is being so super polite and considerate. Why am I so suspicious of him? He's never done anything to make me not trust him. hmmm.

Incapable

I slept through another morning lectures. I totally suck. I must go on to capmpus soon though becasue I need to prepare for the presentation I'm doing tomorrow. I also need to return books and get some others for another paper.

I also texted CRB at midnight. Both Titania and I were in bed but talking anyways as neither of us were tired. We said a few things about sleeping but then he asked to call and I said no because it would wake Titania. I said we would talk soon because I had things to ask him. He said I could go ahead now. Then I asked the "why now?" question but said he could answer it another day. I don't know if I wanted the answer last night even though I'm sure it's something small like wanting to know how I am. I can't imagine it being any great confession. Well I can and have but without anything to back it up.

Somehow I am feeling more settled about it this morning. Maybe that's just because I'm hardly awake and wish I could stay sleeping a few more hours. My back and neck are really really stiff. I'm going to go shower and if that helps.

Things to ask/say

1. I don't know what I'm doing. At all.

2. Why now after so many years?

3. What are your expectations?

4. I want to see you.

5. I want to really know you.

6. Have you really grown up?

7. Can you see me as I am now?

8. Do we have anything in common?

9. If something hasn't happened by now should it?

10. You've never been dishonest but I don't know I can trust you.

(added at 17:49)
11. How do you feel when you think of me?

12. Do you think of me?

to be continued...

(added at 18:33: I need to not think about this so much and relax.)

Perfectly wasted

Well I just got out of the shower after watching a film from ded and sleeping in a lot. Titania went out for breakfast but is back sleeping in her bed. I haven't eaten yet and realized my appetite is fairly non existant. I'm sure that's due partly to stress, partly to not wanting to cook and partly to having very little food in the house.

Last night I had an orgasm. It was slow but put me right to sleep. Made me feel half normal again too. That said, this morning I don't feel like my sex drive has returned or anything.

I've been thinking about CRB of course. As I was watching the film i was wondering if he would have watched it with me and been genuinely interested. I don't know and I'd say the person he was 4 years ago would not have enjoyed it at all. I want to talk to him and I want to see him but I'm not going to until school is done. Well I might talk to him again but only if he calls me. And that's not some sort of testing of his interest it's just mee needing to focus on getting school done so I can relax for a bit.

As side but related note, both IceHockey and Red are getting invites to the Christmas party but CRB is not. That would put me on edge way too much. I think when I first see him it will be just us but in public - coffee, cinema, or something similar. I'm obviously thinking about this too much. Nothing new when it comes to him though.

But I have to put it aside (if all the while hoping he'll call me just to say hello) so I can do school work. I have tons to do today and the day is certainly almost half over. I might not even bother getting dressed. I wonder if there's any cheese made-for-tv Chirstmas films on tonight like last week. Could be great distracting drivel for a few hours.

Smiling

Well I feel ok that I phoned him. Midge said I should know what I want but I don't. Chatton thinks he's probably just lonely and remembers me as someone he was happy with. I don't think I'll see him until after school is done and maybe not until after I get back from England.

But to add to it all somehow I had kind of let go of seeing IceHockey again. We had both been busy and not talking - no big deal though. However, Chatton and I were walking to catch the bus today and I heard my name being shouted. I turned around and IceHockey was calling me from out of a car window. We said hello and how are you. Then we both kind said we should call each other and go out. Chatton was totally confused about who it was so I explained. I'm definately still interested in his friendship if we do end up having one.

But back to what I want in reference to CRB. In a way I've never really known what I've wanted from him. Chatton asked if I'd be comfortable with just taking the comfort and sweet treatment and maybe some gifts and just leaving it at that. I honestly don't think I would. First I just hate people buying me stuff unless it's a friendship where we know it'll all even out - like with Titania or Chatton. But if he wanted more I couldn't lead him on in any way.

Would I want more though? I really don't know. We've never really been friends at a time where we could really date. When we were younger Red was my best friend and was very jealous of my friendship with CRB and the one time we almost went out she stopped talking to both of us. Then, when we were next close he was dating someone. He said to me at that time that he wished we had actually gotten together. Plus I always felt like he was going to kiss me so I avoided eye contact becasue he was coupled and I didn't want to be the other girl at all.

But now neither of those things are in the way. But that doesn't matter if I'm not attracted and stimulated by him. I wasn't really before. He just was so nice to me and I always felt cared for with him. Like he'd do almost anything if I asked him to and would never intentionally do something to hurt me. That's not enough for a relationship though. FOr me I have to want him and I have to learn from him. I don't know if either of those things are possible.

I guess it comes down to what I am willing to want rather than what I do want. So much of it will depend on what he might want and what I see in him now. Four years after our last contact and after him discovering he needed to do something with his life and actually took action to do it.

Whatever comes of this I am happy I phoned. I felt nervous but supported and that he was really glad to hear from me. It did sound like he really wanted to see me but heard my hesitation and acknowledged it and said it was ok and he understood. I do think that when I do see him I will ask why he wanted to get back in touch with me now. I do admit that I do want to be hugged by him. and the "by him" part is part of the need. I sighed after writing that. It will bring complication into my life.

Oh, what I wanted to say also is that I can't see myself really dating him or kissing him. But I can't really see myslef doing that with anyone. That may be because I feel crazy most days and I don't feel like I could be positively involved with anyone. Plus my sex drive is so low I don't think I've had an orgasm in nearly a month or even given a passing desire to wank a second thought. Why be dating someone if I have no want for sex or any feeling like I could offer anything to another person.

One final admittance. I do want to have in call me this week as he suggested he would. I know I;'ll wonder if it's him whenever my phone rings. I know I'll hesitate answering when I see his name on the call display. I know that I will still want him to hug me if I do turn down seeing him this week. sigh again.

I phoned

1. He sounded the same.

2. He could tell I was nervous.

4. He called me darling and honey.

5. He used the word love in reference to me.

6. He seemed genuinely happy to hear from me.

7. He invited me to Lunch next week. I said I wasn't sure yet.

8. He talked to me openly.

9. He was so sweet.

10. He wants to see me but is ok if I don't want to.

Craziness

Titania and I decorated the house today. We still have some new ornaments to make and three strings of lights to put up but the house is looking super Christmas-y. It's fun. Chatton is coming over after work and we are going out for a bit. Tonight I am just hanging out in again. I really should get some work done or I'm going to feel super ovverwhelmed next week. I also have to meet with a riend to discuss a presentation we're doing on Tuesday.

But the real thing I'm posting for is to say that I think I'm going to call CRB. I'm going to eat and bath first but I think I want to. I may be making a huge mistake but I want to at least know why he wants to hear from me and I think the fact that his mom died is really an influencing factor. The fact that I'm starved for a good hug is also quite influencing. However, just because we talk doesn't mean we'll see each other. It also doesn't mean we'll talk again.

I'd really like to call and get voicemail. That way I can leave it up to him. He was the one who last didn't phone so why should I bridge the gap now? That sounds pretty childish especially when he doesn't have my number and by telling Red to give me his was kind of that reaching out.

Also, I feel like some ground rules need to be set. No mind games, no possesiveness, no being oversensitive and not listening, no lying to girlfriends about talking to me. I think part of the problem is he's sweet and charming, but, as I said to classclown many months ago, that comes across as potentially insincere to me.

Air is playing and it's oddly suitable for this moment. Is the fact that I'm hesitating a sign I should not call? Is the fact that whenever my phone rings I'm slightly disappointed it's not an unknown number a sign I should? I kind of feel like if I heard his voice I might need to hang up. HIs motives, which I don't know at all, seem unsettling. Everything to do with him is really confusing for me.

I'm going to go bath and listen to Christmas carols. If anyone things I crazy for eith wanting to call or not calling I'd be appreciative of some feedback.

Action of sorts

Today I went to lunch with an old friend (Red I think I named her in the past). We were best friends for a few years but we separated. I hadn't seen her in over a year and hadn't actually spent quality time with her in several years. She is the one who is all tangled up with CRB and me.

Anyway, Lunch was awesome. We talked tons, caught up with our lives tons. We then went to an art supply shop and bought cool paper. We'll meet before christmas when we're both done school and I'm going to show her how to bind books. It'll be fun. The day really made me realize why were were such good friend some 10 years ago.

But of course in all our talking CRB came up. Basically he wants to see me and has told her to give me his number so we can get in touch. He also told Red he blames her for nothing every actually happening between us as we could have been great together. I don't blame Red but I know she had a role. I mean we came together without her involved a few years ago but he fucked that up by being stubborn and with a girlfriend who didn't want him to see me. I know he regretted that nothing happened between us.

Now I have his number in my purse. I wish I had an email. I am very scared to use the number. I don't need any more craziness in my life. Last night I was thinking about him though. How I wish I could just run into him and have him hold me for a bit and sit with me. But it's more the action than the person. He's also someone I think I know would drop everything and come to comfort me. In part I'm scared to have that confirmed but I'm also scared to have it become untrue. Red says it is absolutely true.

There's reasons why I would love to talk to him but others why I think it will only (as perviously) end in disaster. Red says he has grown up but is still himself and she understands my reservations and will understand if I don't call him. Also, his mother died within the last year.

His mom used to call my house when he would disappear even though I had never met her. She was always drunk but wanted to know where he was. I never knew (I never really knew anything about him and his life at all.) but she would want to talk to me. One day she suggested that we get married. That it would be so good for him. I was 14.

So I'm not sure what to do if anything. I will admit I would really like to on some levels.

Edited around 19:00 to add some questions in my head:
1. Am I fooling myself in thinking we can have a normal friendship?
2. What are his motives for wanting to see me?
3. Is he single?
4. Would I only be adding chaos to my life?
5. Does he even want just a friendship?
6. Can I trust him to be honest and open with me?
7. Will I be able to be honest with myself?
8. Do I even know what my expectations are?
9. Is it fair if I only want someone to comfort me?
10. Will I understand my own reactions to him?

As per usual

1. I went to therapy today and cried.

2. I am having dreams that upset and agitate me.

3. I feel exhausted - physically and emotionally.

4. I don't know how to tell if I've greived yet.

5. I don't want to do anything but sit.

6. I have to go do research.

7. I don't know so many things.

8. I feel separated from things.

9. I want to eat comfort food.

10. I don't want to go to my lecture tonight at all and might leave half way through. If I even make it that far.

11. I just want to sit and cry. Or lie in a fetal position and cry.

12. I feel anxiety in my arms and my chest and my legs and my heart.

13. I didn't mean for this to be so long or so miserable.

14. I don't want to come home on the 8th. I will though.

I want a hippopotamus for Christmas

1. Only 7 lectures left.

2. Christmas crafting is at full speed.

3. I am actually working on papers.

4. My dreams are vivid and crazy.

5. I am so excited for my trip.

6. The X-mas party planning and decorating is officially underway.

7. I really want mince pies.

Sources

Another weekend is more than half over. I spent another evening in making christmas gifts instead of out at Blondie's housewarming. I just don't feel like being out and meeting people and not being able to drink. I don't feel like I have anything to offer right now. The only things that get me excited are crafts and my trip. Unless you're Lily or into crafts this makes me a boring person to be around.

But I feel ok with myself. I start regular councelling with UBC on Thursday and have my next check in with my doctor in about a month. I haven't been to a group session in two weeks and can't go again this week but I feel like I should go. I should have gone this week and not let my laziness get the best of me. I also didn't go running at all this week but will go tomorrow for sure.

The foggy dreams are continuing. Also, I have brief moments where sex and boys seem interesting but they pass as soon as I can even consider doing anything about them. In a way that makes me feel less normal, less interesting and less functional. I don't know if any of that makes any sense to anyone other than myself.

A final note is that I still have to call Heavy of HK inc. He emailed me to call him two weeks ago but I've been putting it off becasue I just don't know how to explain that I simply called follow through with the agreement we made. I don't feel like I have the right to do that.

oh, and Lily's family is really excited to have me there and it makes me feel loved so much.

Making Lists

I am doing fairly well. I had a good doctors appointment on Thursday evening after a good and often amusing seminar after a good and accomodating talk with my instructor. Today cramps had me feeling like a gros swollen and bloated mess so I stayed home from school and group counciling. I did however do some cleaning, some trip planing, some christmas gift crafting and even some school work. I am quite happy with myself

I have a bunch of supplies to buy tomorrow before heading to school to do a bunch of research before my night lecture. Friday I have some things to do for a craft fair Chatton and I are doing on Saturday. Sunday is a home work and craft day. I'll do like 1.5 hours of each and then switch or something.

So it's good. I am super exciited about my trip and feeling moderately motivated about school which is a huge improvement from even last week. I feel a bit discouraged that I've completely dismissed hanging out with IceHockey but he's been very busy and I just don't feel like it would be fair for the other person to be around me when my mood is so up and down.

Titania and I really have to start seriously planning our Christmas party or there's going to be no time for it. Also, I am having tons of dreams at night but not really remembering them. Their subjects vary widely though and are pretty disconnected from things. I forget them so soon after waking I don't even have a chance to process them so I can write them out.

weebles wobble

I was feeling good this morning. Got up with lots of time to get ready to leave for lit. My mom called wanting me to buy coldplay tickets for her because she can't during work. She also talked to me about the trip and said ok. I didn't say I already had bought my hairfar but that it was reserved and I'd go do it today.

But then, after lit, I went to see an advisor and he made me cry. He was telling me different things than the last guy and treated me like I was wasting my time. It sucked.

Now I've got to do some art stuff before meeting Titania and heading out to Merotown for a bit. I'm not sure why she wants to go but she wants me to come. Christmas present shopping and creating is well underway.

I need a weeble to symbolically remind me that I wobble but I don't fall down - for too long at least.

Flight

I bought my airfare. The official dates are December 27th to January 8th. I feel very happy about it. I'm going to just spend time relaxing and visting a few people, mostly Lily though. I'll spend my last day in London visting museums and feeling inspired. Just four days in Nottingham. The rest is with Lily's family.

I feel good. I'll feel like I'll get some closure with that country so I can kind of move forward without feeling like I missed something at that time. I also think it'll be a nice change of scene. I feel really good about my decision. I'm already thinking which of my 10 or so eyeshadows, or which clothes I'm going to pack. I also kind of hope I'll be off my sleeping pills so I can drink but it's unlikely.

I may have to just drink with extreme caution. At least I'll be less likely to drink and get irritated by retarded dj's and slutty girls. I can't wait for socialble hour either. Well I can but I'm excited for it.

I feel good. I feel like there's something to look forward to that's in the near future. .

Films

I had a decent day.
1. Today I went to the art gallery and decided I don't really like Picasso paintings.
2. I bought hand dyed and spun woll but I'm not sure if it'll make a decent size scarf.
3. I told my mom I'd be dropping two classes and she was unsympathetic and cold.

I had my iPod with me and three songs were perfect. The song links to the lyrics and the artist links to their site. You might need to scroll down for some of the lyrics.
1. Cat Power - Good Woman
2. Maria Taylor - Two of those too
3. Great Lake Swimmers - Moving Pictures (Silent Films)

I put a flight on hold. $850.00 including taxes. It can only be held until Saturday but my mom won't talk to me about it until Monday as she's going out of town.
1. Do I wait to talk to my mom and hope it's still available (there was only two seats left at that price)?
2. Do I go ahead and book?
3. Do I not go becasue it won't help me feel better, is only escaping, and is a waste of money?

Please comment much more than usual about the last section. I need the input.

My Week Off

I cried today at therapy. I have a new strategy to work on this weekend to try to help me get some work done. I've come to the conclusion that even if I could normally get all this school stuff done and technically I should be able to, now, under these conditions, I can't. It's hard to admit to that because in my world I can always do everything when it comes down to it.

That said I think I might drop my egypt class and my classical art lecture. I have a good midterm grade in Egypt but a paper that's three weeks late. I failed my art lecture and haven't even started that paper that's due in one week. I could do the work in theory but not if I need to cathc up in the other classes I have good midterm results in and am not yet behind in and stiil have papers due for them. I have to talk to profs and advisors next week.

This means I will for sure have to do some school over summer and next fall (and even likely next spring unfortunately) but I just can't do it now. It also means I'll only be in three lectures next term plus one distance course. It keeps me full time funding wise but gives me more time to sort through things.

Tonight I did major clean up on both the computers so they actually have some free space again and not tons of duplicate music files. Miranda also called and we talked a bit. We're going for brunch on Friday and planning on over-priced but worth it massages and eucalyptus steams in early December. I'm also still considering going to England over the holidays but need to seriously price airfares and talk to Lily to see if it'll even work that time of year.

Tiny Update

I'm sorry I haven't been posting. I have nothing new and it is all the same and I feel like a broken record saying it. I also don't want to get into it and end up in tears.

I had a dream a few nitghts ago where I was going to school in some forgein country but I was still comparing it to England. Last night I had a dream where I found airfare to England for only $500.00.

I haven't been to school since last Thursday. I'm going to go tomorrow. I also have a therapy appointment. Last night I felt unfulfilled. Today I feel conflicted. I know I should go to schol but I just don't.

Control of something

1. Yesterday I had a councelling appointment at UBC. Afterwards I texted Titania the following. "I don't know how I can be so in control of feeling so retarded."

2. I had dinner with my mom and sister on Wednesday where I ended up crying at the restaurant and for the second time that day.

3. Earlier on Wednesday I got my art midterm back and I failed it. That's when I cried at the restaurant Titania and I were at for Lunch.

4. My mom agrees with all the investment plans I made with my sister and the investment planner. That is good.

5. My mom cried at dinner too. However, she wasn't supportive in the way I wanted about my school issues, but she did react in the way I expected but a tinier bit milder which is good overall.

6. I'm thinking about going to England over Christmas for a few days. It'll really depend on airfares and where I'd stay, and then if it maes any sense in general to do it.

7. Despite not studying until yesterday morning I feel great about how I did on my Visual Culture exam last night and it gave me a big energy boost that I really needed.

8. Falling asleep has gotten harder in the last two weeks but once I'm asleep I am good and I feel rested after a normal 8 hours. I did need to take ativan two nights ago to get me asleep.

9. There's some things ok and some things not. I'm still feeling very overwhelmed and worried about school but I feel less disconnected.

10. My mom suggested that if I'm not good for school right now I just let it go for a bit and work until I can collect myself. That was so upsetting and terrifying. I don't want to work. I want to be doing school. I could not imagine doing anything else than doing what I need for my MA. I have no alternative plan at all. That's all both scary and reassuring.

Tumbling

I was just talking (via MSN of course) to Lily and she told me Scotsman is in the hospital. He's in Glasgow so she's not sure what's going on but it's to do with his chrons. Lily is not doing well. It has to do with him (she still loves him but they are not together and he is dating someone else) but also just her. She is not happy and kind of in the same place I am. She suggested we move to Italy and become street mimes.

I didn't go to my lectures today. I feel like each day I am unravelling more. My sleep isn't so great anymore (I slept 13 hours today) and now I have two overdue papers and I haven't even started to work on studying for my Midterm on Thursday. I do have more energy in genereal and I have been exercising and working on getting therapy. But I am so disconnected and unmotivated. I feel like all I need is to finish this degree and move on but I just can't get myself to do the work involved in it.

I looked for airfares to go to England in December. Because I only have this little tiny window of time in between exams ending and Christmas it would only be for a week and $1000.00 at least for airfare. But it's all I want.

Last night was more dreaming about England and Vancouver and being in between them. I know life won't be perfect and easy there but I feel so out of step here. Downtown used to make me feel so intensely content with the world. I could go down there on a bad day at work and I'd feel better. But now, I feel awkward.

I don't want Scotsman to be sick. I want him to be fine and at home and healthy. I'm totally fucking up my own life. The last 5 months have been a blur. I don't know what I'm doing or why it's so hard to just write some silly papers and sit and take notes at every lecture. This post did not mean to go this way. I hate this. I know I'm doing it and only I have the power to end it but I don't and I hate that.