The joys of packing

Well finally today it feels like real progress had been made. I'm getting a bit stressed about whether there'll be room for all my stuff but I am getting rid of alot and know that is good for me. I know that the apartment is as big as we need and that getting rid of things is good. I am excited to kind of start new, or at least fresher.

Tomorrow is super busy though. Early morning to get more boxes and coffee. Then we come back to pack the kitchen and craft stuff (both huge tasks). I've also got to go rent a dollie to help move the furniture and pick up the keys at some point. Well we might not get the keys until Sunday morning but I'm waiting to hear from the landlords for sure.

I'm looking at design school again. I did one one point when I was in highschool but I kind of dropped it. I'm not sure if it's something I'm passionate about to actually be worth the cost though. We'll see. I might take a related course that would be my weakest point over the summer and see how that feels.

I'm a bit stressed out over money but by the end of the month things should be much more settled. Only one flat to pay rent on and I'll be working for my higher pay and more hours.

Not too much more to report really. I'm lying low and just focusing on moving. Once the stuff is moved there's still a bunch to do here like paint and clean so it's going to be a busy few weeks.

Ending?

I have officially started to pack. I have a box half full of my stuff and nearly too heavy to pick-up. How do you pack when most of your stuff is heavy but doesn't take up much space? I think I need smaller boxes. I also have way more garbage and recycling than stuff packed but that's ok.

I saw the knitter today and he is cute. More so now that I know he's young and gay. Is that wrong of me? I like Wednesdays becasue I always chat with him and the girl I volunteer with and it's awesome to have new friends that you know are going to be people you actually hang out with.

My dinner is ready though so I should eat and get back to packing.

Almost sleep time

Today has been exhausting. After my thing with my mom yesterday she called today asking if I was alright and I just kind of lost it. I ended up in bed until nearly 12:30 just crying and stuff. It really takes a lot of energy out of me. I think she's going to try to be a bit less critical of me and treat me with a bit more sensitivity. I know most of it is out of concern but the way she communicates it to me is not good for me. I hope it'll settle down and moving on Sunday will stay calm.

Other than that I did very little. Titania and I bought a few groceries and tried coffee at a new place. I also went to IKEA and picked up a few small things. I haven't packed nearly as much as I should have by now. I also haven't been into work once this week and I need the money so I must go in. I'm thinking of cancelling my interview with American Airlines. I'm happy staying at HK inc. I think and I'd rather not work two jobs at once right now.

On another note I think that the next time I find a guy interesting I will just ask him out for coffee/drinks. No extended flirting. No waiting. No wondering. Who knows if I'll go through with it though. Chatton is also going to take the same approach. She doesn't actually want a relationship though and I do. Eventually at least.

Things have been a bit heightened for me that last few days and I really just want them to calm down but I don't forsee it happening until the middle of April. ugh.

Stress

It's amazing how a conversation with my mother can make me feel like shit. I just called Chatton and she is coming to get me. Everything just feels so hard sometimes.

Edit at 11:20: I just can't handle all the criticism and negativity. It makes me cry and feel broken. It makes me not want to talk to her or involve her and that makes me distressed and sad. It makes me want to hide and throw things in the garbage. Tomorrow will be in 3 parts: loading things to the garbage, work and packing.

At least I have therapy on Thursday. Have I already mentioned that?

Better

I am feeling much better this morning. Chatton and I went and did all the damage deposite and stuff and the couple who owns the house is lovely. I also went downtown with her to her work and went into see the Knitter. We're still going to totally be friends and that is good. As chatton pointed out in a few months I'll confess I totally liked him while drunk and it'll be funny.

I've got to go back to sorting and packing. In six days I will be sleeping in the new house. yay!

Defeated

Half way through the craft meet the following sentence comes out of the Knitters mouth: "In septemeber I ended a really bad relationship with my boyfriend and moved suddenly." So that's the end of that. I think he'll become a friend though because we do get along well.

I just feel like rubbish though. It's like all these good things I was doing mean nothing and I'm still where I was and I suck. I feel like an idiot and all that other stuff.

I thought I was going to come here and bitch but I can't. I feel bad and I feel some sort of pain that extends so far beyond this and it just feels bad and deep and empty. I'm kind of crying which I know has nothing to actually do with the knitter but I feel stupid all the same. Cryings hard for me now. Crying isn't just an emotional release for me anymore. It's serious sadness - sadness that physically hurts even if it has nothing to do with my dad and england. It just brings it all forward and I feel broken. I couldn't even care about The Knitter right now.

I just rubbed my eyes and now have black all over them from the stunning eye make-up a guy at MAC did for me today. I'm sure it's all over my cheeks too.

I'll probably give more substance tomorrow and not feel as bad. At least I have councelling on thursday.

Added at 11:16:
I'm a bit more sorted now. I guess I just have so much going on emotionally it just gets all caught up. I wasn't upset until I got alone while walking home. I'm still going to go into his work and chat and all that stuff. He'll still get the occasional party invite and all that stuff. I'm jut feeling a bit frustrated by it is all. In time I will find a new guy I am interested in and be just as flirty and such with him. And I will take the confidence I deveolped somehow over the last few weeks to make dealing with that guy easier.

Tomorrow is a new day and I have tons to do in the next two weeks with the move and such. I guess I just feel full of baggage and have an assumption that no one will want to deal with that. Plus I'm weird and not gorgeous and that all adds up to a lot of concessions on another persons part. I know that's negative but it's something present for me and times like this just make it feel more of a focus of who I am.

moving!

We just found out we can have the flat we saw yesterday. We are very excited as it means we'll be moving in one short week! It'll cost us more becasue we'll be paying rent for two places for much of the month but the benefits will totally pay off.

And I'm seeing the Knitter today. Everyone already knows that but whatever!

the happy sigh

He emailed!!! But he is not coming tonight. Sunday though. I am excited though because I emailed him back saying that there was an art show an other month and that I just want to have a conversation when he's not at work.

Another upside is that he mentioned he's not currently working on a project so is just going to be doing a quick and easy thing. As Chatton was wonderful enough to point out this means he's not just coming to work on the project but to see me. Wee!

Wasting time

Well I wasn't really expecting the Knitter to come to the art show tonight. I was hoping but now I am no longer doing that. I'm still excited to see him out of his work tomorrow, but gone are the daydreams of excitement and progress tonight.

I'm really just bored. I have someone coming to see my flat at one and until then I'm just sitting around. I've already had some breakfast and cleaned up a bunch. I even did some sorting. After that I am going to go meet Chatton at work. I'm going to go early though so I can have a scone and a coffee. I might take a crochet project up with me too to work on.

ok, I obviously had nothing of substance to say. I just wanted to waste some time.

Punk Rock

The concert tonight was good but we left after the band we knew played. Chatton has to work at 7:00 am and I'm just tired. I just had a shower and feel all cozy in my new bathrobe.

I've thought a lot about the Knitter (I had a missed call from an unrecognized number and they didn't leave a message!) and that I really want to get to know him. I also articulated why I wanted him to come to the art show so much when I know I will see him on Sunday; basically if he comes to the show I know he wants to hang out with me but the craft group could just be becasue he wants to hang out with people and craft. Plus, no one-on-one talking will occur at the group.

I also received a call from American Airlines today about an application I sent in about two weeks ago before I accepted the position at HK Inc. I'm still going for the interview and won't decide anything until I'm offered the job. I could do both or turn it down. I'm excited about it though and already have half of my outfit sorted.

I also decided that next week I am going to buy a new book to read that is not self-help. I'm thinking a play maybe. Not sure yet but I'm sure The Knitter will help me out.

In need of distraction

I kind of lost it last night. I have relaxed again and I hope not to relapse. I think the combination of excitement and major sexual frustration was just overwhelming. Today I went to work as planned and got more than I expected done. I feel like just in the last few weeks I've made huge progress which is great.

Now I have about 4 hours to keep myself distracted before meeting up with Chatton for dinner and the concert. I'm going to go to my moms and looks at the classifieds for apartments but otherwise there are no plans. Tomrrow we are seeing an apartment that I am a bit excited about. Price and location both seem really good.

About the knitter though, every new email gets me excited as does the phone ringing. I still don't expect him to come with us tomorrow night.

Gushing

I had a good day today. Breakfast with Chatton and Titania went longer than expected so I decided I'd go to work tomorrow instead of today. Then we headed downtown for some light but needed shopping. I ended up with a bath robe and a tank top. Of course we found a reason to see the Knitter at work. We also talked to his co-worker who we really like and is from England. We want to make her our friend.

Anyways, more talking plus glances and smiles as she was helping us rather than him. He met Titania and we talked about the sad state of his shoes. He assured us all he needed was duct tape but we all disagreed completely and said he needed new shoes. He failed Titanias "shoe test for boys". However, he passed my "drinking test for everyone" stating Gin and tonics as his drink of choice.

Chatton is in agreement with me about him seeming to want to know me better. He knews the details about the art show on Saturday but no word on if he is going to come yet. He is definately coming to the craft group though. I am excited but I think I will be more excited if he decides to come to the art show. More out of his comfort zone and more potential for talking alone.

Chatton and I went to her work tonight and talked to her only male co-worker about if boys can tell whhen someone likes them based on certain behaviour. His basic answer was that at least he couldn't and that actions spoke way louder than words. I understand for sure but I think things are progressing decently for now. I don't want to push things too much, especially when he seems kind of shy and quiet. But I also think I have to be a bit more forward if he starts hanging out with us a bit and I start to know him better and want to for sure take it that way.

But you know right now I'm good. I am relaxed around him. He's seen me dressed up all professionally and also in my yoga pants and hair tied back. He does really need new shoes. It's not that his are particularly awful style wise (but there is room for improvement if he wanted to go that direction) they just have holes in them. big ones. silly boys.

But right now I like boys. This one is causing me little angnst now and just excitement. It's good.

Edit at 11:42: I'm trying to sleep but I can't. I know it's still early but I want to sleep well so I'm motivated to go to work tomorrow. Instead all I can do is think about the Knitter and sex. Not sex with him yet really. Well kind of but not entirely. With him I just want to know if he is interested and to know that he knows I am too. That's the next step and I want to be there. I really do want him to come on Saturday. I'm trying not to think he will but I'd really like him too.

It's driving me mad and I want to have an orgasm and drift off to a pleasant sleep but it's impossible. I just stay at this level of heightened excitement that never fully disappears. Like I am super aroused but never going to hit that end point and there comes a point where it's just frustrating to keep trying. I just want to cum and that used to be so fun and easy.

And it all gets tied to the knitter. I can work on the shoes later. I just want to know. I just want to have him do something to let me know. Or make me feel a little more secure in trying more. I was calm earlier but now I'm crazy. I know it's all physical and sex right now but I just want it. It's not like I want him to be my boyfriend, I just want to know if he wants to hang out with me once in a while with the potential for making out. To see if we actually get along and have fun together.

Today Chatton and I mentioned that we had made soap and he asked "With what kind of fat?" I explained I was doing the lazy Melt/Pour way and not cold/hot process but that fact he knew how to make soap from scratch made me want to grab him. It was hot. And I was thinking about what he's going to be working on at the craft group but just when I thought about sitting with him knitting I was done. That was enough.

Maybe I'm just getting so tired of my complete lack of boys and with my current ability to do new things I just feel...something. I don't know. All of this is going nowhere. But then somehow it is actually going somewhere. We are seeing each other on Sunday. We have things in common. He might come to the art show. He might come to a party one day. He has thought about us becoming better friends. He likes to talk to me. He wants to come to Daiso with us. He owns lots of books. He lives downtown which is sexy. He doesn't need to always be in a relationship.

But nothing can be done tonight. Nothing can be done for sure until Sunday. That is unless he calls me and comes to the art show. Then I can drink and touch him and be weird. In a good way. An he can be weird too and hoepfully it'll all be fun. And then he'll touch me back and it'll be cute and Chatton will giggle at me because she's never seen me like that with a boy I actually like and isn't just a friend.

I sound crazy right now. I am going to go back to my bed where my vibe is and try to get some bloody rest. I need to not think about this until something actually moves forward. I feel the need to scream or something but it would wake Titania up.

goodness

I think The Knitter likes me. I'm more and more relaxed around him and getting to know more about him. Today he said he was learning about all these cool new things from me. He also said he wanted to come to Daiso next time we're out there. I am seeing him Sunday but he said he'll email me first. I'm excited but relaxed.

I could say more about other things but this is really I want to think about today.

Developments

1. Tons of fun on Friday night. Kissing, tattoos, new people, bonding, absinthe, laughing until we hurt. The birthday girl will be call Fetus and has become my friend rather than just Chattons.

2. Saturday we went to Richmond and shopped with Fuzzy (a new friend I know through Chatton). More laughing until we hurt and genereal silliness.

3. Saturday night was party at Packages house. Roomates were nice and laidback but one had on awful pants and the other had awful BO. I'm not impressed in general with Package. Nither are Fetus and Fuzzy. On the upside Chatton is receptive to us and fully sees he is not boyfriend material. She would go for a make-out session though if he initiates. He's a bit too know-it-all for me and not in a cute way. We were exhausted though and left fairly early.

4. I put a bunch of stuff up on craigslist and it's actually selling.

5. I get a new bed next week. It's actually the bed I used when I was young but with some modifications so it's long enough. It does mean I'm going from a Queen to a single but my bed right now is trashed and we have no where to store this one and it's a family antique thing. Plus it's beautiful and will be fun to sleep in again.

6. I am starting to worry about finding a place to live. We're looking for May 1 and it's still early but with a cat and budget constraints it's a bit panicy.

7. We might get a second cat right after we move. She's fluffy, peach, blue eyed and only 3 weeks old. So exciting.

8. But maybe the biggest thing of all is that I accepted the job from HK inc. I'll kepp on with onyl 10 hours a week until May 1 and then start with 24 hours a week, more if needed. I also got the $2.00 raise I asked for. No hesitation at all. He also won't take taxes off which is a huge benefit for me as there's no problem with just claiming it all at the end of the month.

9. Blondie is coming over tonight for dinner and to give me a massage very exciting.

10. I'm feeling good about things. Therapy next week, gallery tomorrow, doll meet and craft meet on Sunday, Fuzzy's art show on Saturday and a concert (Ringlettes brother's band) on Friday. Busy and happy.

Many Things

1. I woke up at nearly noon today but since then I have gotten a lot done. Laundry, dishes, recycling, tidying, some phone calls.

2. I am feeling calm about The Knitter. I responded to the email with an invite to a gallery when the new exhibits are up and gave him my phone number. I don't even feel obsessive about it today.

3. I talked to Heavy (of HK Inc.) today and gave him an update. He also said that if I want, come summer he could give me more work if I wanted it. It would be some of the same but also some web stuff. I would ask for a raise but I'm not sure I want to do it just yet.

4. I applied for a tavel agency. If they're interested in me that would probably sway my decision about the above offer.

5. I thought I had posted about this but apparently not. Chatton has a boy of interest right now too, we'll call him Package because he wears tight pants and you can see his. This makes Chatton giggle. Anywaqys, he's coming to the party tonight, and it's his party we're going to tomorrow. It's been fun kind of doing things relating to boys at the same time as chatton but I'm worried about being left out tomnight and tomorrow because Titania is not coming along.

6. I have to get back to doing stuff. I'll give a party update in the morning.

Weird and good

1. I found a 40 GB ipod on the street today! I'm going to post a found add on Craigslist before I decide it's mine. But it holds photos! wee!

2. I talked to The Knitter today and invited him to the party on Saturday. Then tonight he finally emailed me - he had taken so long because he doesn't have his own computer. I should stop thinking everyone has the internet and is as crazy about it as me. I am going to email him back tomorrow and give him my number. I will see him next weekend though at the craft group. Some excerpts from the email:

"And I'm sorry that we didn't get to chat more today at work - it's difficult to get any socializing done there because of all the pushy customers."
" About that party you mentioned - thank you for offering, but I'm really not a party guy. Maybe if we get to become better friends you can drag me to one someday"

Tired

I just can't get enough sleep or something like that. I was in a way better mood yesterday than the day before which is good. Today I am going to get dressed in something other than my yoga pants and go to the bookstore to talk to The Knitter. If all goes well I will ask if he wants to go to a party on Saturday night. I'm pretty unsure about it right now.

Other tasks today include buying some sewing stuff and finishing some sewing, doing laundry and applying for some jobs. So much fun.

Empty

I have no energy to do anything. Something is going on with the weather and the air looks yellowish grey. It's cloudy and stromy but the sun is peaking out in a few areas. I rented movies but watching them feels boring. Everything feels boring. Cooking, sewing, crocheting, talking, reading, crying. And not just boring but impossible. I hit my head on a cupboard door earlier and it really hurts.

And I can't complain. blah.

In Hiding

The last two nights have been full of deep deep sleep and disturbing dreams. It's weird how obvious my movie choices or current concerns play into them. It's making me not want to do anything all day. Including work, which I really have to do. Which I do want to do so that I can be rid of the obligation and so that I can get paid. I have some things I want to buy for myself right now (books, eyeshadow and hoodie) but I can't do that until I have some more money.

I also think I'm starting to sleep too much but the dreams make me feel like crap and exhausted. They come and go. It's frustrating. I also don't really feel like doing anything except crafting and watching films. It's not really good. If it persists beyond the week I'll force myself out of it.

Dreaming

I was going to go into the office today but I'm not now. I woke up about half an hour ago and just got out of the shower. Something about my mood is off. I will work from home though.

Last night was full of dreams though, likely contributing to my mood. The first was me in an intense argument with Titania but it ended up being just confusion and mixed feelings. Then we went with Chatton to look at an apartment that was crazy but very cool. I also went to visit Lily's family but they were all Polish so I couldn't understand what they were saying. They were still super nice to me. Then I was in this group therapy resort but I was very much on the fringe of things. LIke Other people were talking about their problems and fears but I was just watching, observing. I was thinking about my own but I didn't talk about them.

I'm going to go. I don't feel like doing much today and LIly's online so I'm talking to her.

Appreciation

Today I went out for dinner with a bunch of friends. Before that though Midge and I talked deeply about things while she was tattoo'd. At the end of dinner I apologized for not being dressed up - I was in my yoga pants with no make-up and my hair unbrushed. After dinner we went for gelato.

As we left everyone started walking off but I was to walk alone in the other direction. So then they came back and I hugged Midge and we said a few parting words about having more talks. I mumbled something about how I was a bit crazy and then she stopped everyone. She insisted we have an appreciation moment for me.

Here's why I was appreciated:

Midge: because she is strong.
Eastern: becasue she is an image of beauty and health to look up to.
IceHockey: becasue she introduced me to new music.
Blondie: becasue she let me stay with her in Nottingham.
eastern's housemate: because she introduced me to a new sexual term.
Stevie: becasue she is happy and so much fun when I see her.

I felt silly but it did make me feel appreciated. Wednesday is the day to make a move with THe Knitter. While buying self-help books even.

Back with newness

I have a new monitor now. It's not made by apple and doesn't match the CPU case anymore but I should learn to be less of a snob when it comes to these sorts of things. Plus, I'm just glad that I have my darling computer back and finding out the old monitor would no longer work didn't send me into tears.

Two major things are happening right now. The first is simple; I am out of money and must find more work. I know I want something interesting and part time that pays at least $10.00 per hour. We'll see how that goes.

The second thing is more complicated. It is the boy from the bookstore - we'll call him The knitter because, well, he knits. I did tell him about the show last friday but I didn't see him there. I told him the day of and we left early so I wasn't disappointed.

Hmm, I have to go backwards in time a bit to fully explain what's going on. About two weeks ago I went in and pre-ordered a book (about crocheting) they didn't have in stock yet. He mentioned he wanted it too but had to wait until they had it in stock to get a discount. So them on Friday when I was in he said he was thinking about me (yay!) and if I had got the book yet. He told me that when I did to bring it upstairs to the floor he works on so he could look through it.

The book came in on a day he wasn't there so yesterday Chatton and I went it to see if he was there. We ended up talking for over half an hour and had much fun. I found out more about him (not really into music, likes reading, yoga, from the prairies) and gave him my email. I was smiling all day really. It was fun. Chatton kept telling people I was a flirting superstar.

Today I went in and went to the grief book section and saw him. We talked more and I found out he likes art a lot and we talked abit about the gallery I volunteer at and stuff like that. I'm seriously thinking of seeing if he wants to go the the contemporary art gallery one day soon before the exhibits rotate.

I do have some hesitations. He's not into music. He asked Chattons name today and that makes me insecure because boys always like her. A girl he works with (from England and really nice) asked if we were his friends or he was just shamelessly flirting and it worries me that maybe he doesn that with tons of people. Also a girl in another section came over and talked to him about he leaving and when she was next in and stuff. I know that could be legitimate work stuff but it could not be.

Otherwise, I like what I know so far and would like to know more. I would like to get some serious reassurance that he's interested too though. I mean I go in there every week at least once and I always talk to him so I think I'm pretty obvious. Hopefully hell email me as we talked about for the craft group. All in time I hope.