No relief

So I'm back to worrying about money stuff. I had some bank issues, I'm low on supplies and so far this week has been really slow at work. Tomorrow is pretty booked so far though. I'm trying to stay positive.

My late nights and early morning are all about sex. When I'm in bed I am frustrated.

I have been thinking about calling or texting CRB. But then I feel like I should apologize even though I know that I have no reason to do so. It would be nice to go out and be relaxed, but I know I won't feel better about anything if I do that. And chances are he'll be too busy for me. And I feel like I am behaving too much like I want to date him, when I just want to be friends.

And I just want to have sex. Not just but mostly. I kind of regret not staying out with Zebras friend a few weeks back. I feel like I would feel more settled right now if I had. I have nothing to back that up though. And I don't know if the situation arised again if I would actually stay. That's kind of stupid.

On the one hand I just want to get laid and get the energy out. On the other hand I want to date casually and just get to know more people and be out more.

It's possible the best solution is a new sex toy and getting back to the gym, 4 days a week. Break some monotony and release some serious energy.

I am being pretty productive craft-wise though. Lot's of things getting completed and planned. And I am in need of a brazilian but my period has been so crazy it just hasn't been at all posiible in over a month. I'm really hoping this Monday.

Single thinking

I had a very good long weekend. I only had Sunday and Monday, and Monday is normally my day off, but it was still really nice. I had some dreams I wanted to post but I've mostly forgotten them now. I also had some thoughts I was thinking of sharing but the moments have passed because I just can't think of them.

All that seems to be in my head right now is money (worrying about it), clothes (not having much that fits well) and sex (needing to have it). I guess along with sex is dating. Just wanting to figure out how to find people to date. I need to find effective ways of putting myself out there.

I just want to date with the intention of getting to know people and figuring out what I want. In a person and a situation. Or something. I think my need to have sex is confusing things slightly. confusing me slightly. Like I kind of need to sigh deeply and try to focus on something else. restless and spare energy.

Rambling

Work has been busy the last two days. Good for my money stuff, but it's a lot of energy for me. I also wasn't going to the gym at all this week, so I think my energy isn't getting that jump I've been used to. I kinda spent the first part of the week a little depressed.

I did text with CRB a bit on Monday but wasn't in the mood to talk. I'm tired of it really. I thought about him tonight as I was walking to the skytrain and how it would be nice to text him but don't feel like I am welcome to. Like I'm his friend and he misses me, but he isn't actually in a place where he wants to see me enough to make plans. I just don't want to puzzle with that.

Tonight I went out after work with Blondie and friends of hers. It was fun and everyone was nice. I spent more money than I should have but it was still good. Tomorrows tips will have to get me through until Tuesday. And there's barely any food in my house. Carrot soup will probably get made because I have everything to make that.

It would be nice to have someone to come home with sometimes. Not even to spend the evening out with, but just go out with our own friends, meet up late, go back to a house, have sex and fall asleep. With laughter.

That's all I'm got in terms of focus. And I know it's barely anything.

Big sigh

So today I'm sad. And I sent a text message saying it's so. I don't expect a response at all though. I'm half hoping I don't get one. I hope it'll be read with a bit of sadness, followed by a understanding nod or something. I might not be so sad if I understood what happened. Or at least understood a little bit. I don't really know what kind of lesson to take away from this. I really don't want it to be that I shouldn't be open and free of expectations.

I think today I'm also feeling like I was somehow lacking. Maybe it comes to the idea that if something happens over and over to you that you're the problem and not the other people. Even though I know two failed relationships does not make a pattern, especially since pretty much every detail about them was different. I also know that every relationship fails until one succeeds. But I guess this feels more like a failed friendship than a failed relationship and that's harder to deal with. Even if it was a distant friendship most of the time.

I am thrilled to have the day off tomorrow. And an extra day off next weekend. I am also pleased of the housework I did this evening. I feel good about it. Now I just have to get my computer fixed.

pattern?

1. I'm drunk.

2. I danced tonight.

3. I thought about CRB.

4. I did not think about texting CRB.

5. I felt like boys were watching me.

6. They were really watching me and the girls I was with.

7. My fake chicken snack is ready.

8. I feel like toast but am out of bread.

9. I need to get a brazilian done.

10. I have been spotting for nearly two weeks so will not make an fellow co-worker touch my vaginal area in order to get said Brazilian.

11. I can not to go bed until I drink a whole glass of water.

12. I have already had two tylenol.

13. I have a complicated client at 11:00 am and I need to open the spa at 9:00 am.

14. Part of me wanted to stay out later.

15. Part of me wanted to dance with strange boys.

16. And leave suddenly with a hand on their chest and a quick kiss.

17. Instead I danced like a go-go dancer.

18. I danced with a drunk walk and arm raises.

19. I wore heels tonight.

20. My feet don't hurt but where the ankles straps were does.

21. I'm sure my feet will hurt tomorrow.

22. I ate really good guacamole tonight. With good chips.

23. I think I need to set a dating goal. Like one date every two weeks.

24. I have to figure out how to get dates first though.

25. But I think I made some real and awesome friends tonight. That is super good.

26. This entire night was funded by two days worth of tips.

27. I am glad I didn't quit my job for a boring by high paying one.

28. I must go. typing is not allowing me to drink my necessary water.

Unsent Letter

CRB,

Fuck you and your fucking meaningless texts. I don't care that we're not dating or fucking. I don't accept this sort of confusing/rude behaviour from any of my friends and I am not going to start making exceptions for you. I am mad that I let myself be open to you. I am mad that I miss you. I am mad that you made me want to be happier again. I am mad that being with you made me want to have sex.

If you didn't want to see me anymore I was perfectly fine accepting that. We're really different people and that's fine. I just don't understand anything and I don't feel like you're being the least bit honest with me. Your behaviour and words aren't consistant over time or even at the same time.

I guess I was wrong in thinking that you had grown up or that you were worth the work. I was so willing to really be present and open with you with very little expectations. It's so unfortunate that my expectation of being treated with respect is apparently too much for you.

You were so concerned about "fucking this up" but you have. I am so sorry it is turning out this way. I am really disappointed. Not in you, but just in things. I feel really let down by someone I really honestly wanted and enjoyed in my life.

New Messages

It's been just over three weeks since I asked CBR to go for coffee and he said he was busy but would let me know when he had time.

I wanted to text him so that it wasn't as if we were not talking because I didn't want to and so he knew I did want to talk to him.

But then today I got a text saying nothing more than that he missed me.

I responded that there was no need to miss me and that we were supposed to be friends. He said for me to name the place and time and he'd be there. I said I was waiting for him to let me know when he was available because he's busier than me these days.

I haven't heard back. But if he wanted me to go out tonight I hate to admit that I would be dressed and walking to the skytrain in no time at all. And very happy to be doing so.

Hunger

I'm getting weighed and measured on Wednesday. I really want to see another round of good results because I have been working pretty hard, but I've also had some not great eating moments. I also tried to skip my period by stacking birth control packs to avoid the chocolate cravings and bloating (and cramps) so they didn't affect my weigh in.

But I am still eating like mad. I am eating in place of sex. And I want a lot of sex. Badly. I guess I'm just constantly wanting something in my mouth. I'll be spending a good hour and a half at the gym tomorrow and Tuesday to make up for it too. Maybe that will even help with the excess sexual energy. I need something to help.

I think having a hint of something with CRB got me more frustrated than I already was. And part of it because I just don't really understand what happened. Like I didn't need a commited relationship. And he was asking to hang out more than I was. I was just accepting of the requests. But then he leaves saying he wants to be single, and doesn't want to confuse things by having sex. Just seems like a lack of honesty on his part. Especially because I haven't heard from him in nearly three weeks now.

I might go to the library tomorrow. I have the day off, but I need to open and close at work and I have training in the evening. I also have no money so I can't go shopping. I kind of want to get my nipple pierced. Try it again (on the other side though) with a bar bell. I really can't afford it though. I can't really afford anything right now. hmmm. Maybe it'll be sunny out and I can hang out on the beach for a bit.

sort-of-drunk

1. I bought a yellow dress (lingerie really) and wore it out tonight and I really like it.

2. I drank more than my level of drunkeness shows.

3. I wasn't nearly as social as I wanted to be tonight.

4. I'm worried that no matter how skinny I get I'll never be as pretty as I feel I need to be.

5. I wanted to text CBR but I did not, and for that I am proud.

6. My texts to Zebra weren't working.

7. It was nice on Zebra's birthday to not go out with a guy, but then meet one and have someone to sleep with overnight.

8. It was really nice to have the attention I did last weekend.

9. I have the hiccups from eating my tofu snacks too fast.

10. I really wanted to dance tonight. The dj was decent but there was no where to actually dance.

Browsing

Well I was supposed to go to HK Inc. today but I'm not going to. Instead I had a bath, played on the internet, watched TV, made a big batch of oatmeal and fruit. I think I might even have a nap.

I do have an appointment with my trainer at 4:00 so I will have to go out eventually. I also wanted to sew today but I honestly don't think it's going to happen. I will go buy some groceries though.

And one of the things I wanted to post yesterday came back to me. That was that I was thinking about taking my flask out with me on Friday night. Mostly because I am super broke and can't afford to eat and drink as much as I would like to. I even have vodka in the fridge already. I would have to actually find my flask though. I haven't used it in a long time. And I don't really want to start unpacking boxes for it.

I also spent a long while looking at the craigslist personals. None of the dating ones though. Just the platonics and casual ones. There's a high number of guys who want to eat pussy and an equally high number of people who want to spank women. Then there's the one guy who really wants to do both and doesn't want anything in reciprocation. He posts every day or two.

But I'm not going that route. I'm taking the more traditional route for now. Even if it is just for sex. I think it's important for me to be going out more and doing things I like to do. Dating or not dating.

That said my roommate and I (I can't remember if I gave her a name already...) decided we will start playing tennis in Central Park when it stays light later. We think that'll be a good place to meet guys. Even though neither of us really hate being single.

Forgotten

I had something interesting to post this morning so I brought my laptop to work. But I kept myself busy all day even though I only had two clients and didn't write it. Now I have no idea what it was all about.

Anyway, today I spent time thinking about being disappointed that I haven't heard from CRB in a week. I'm not disappointed in him and I'm not taking it personally. I'm just generally disappointed. I didn't have any real expectations, but I was actually interested in seeing where things went. This wasn't a worst-case-senario result, but it's not good.

But Zebra would repeat to me that it's for the best, he wasn't good enough, and I am deserving of someone way better.

The next two weeks I have plans to go out. This Friday is a co-workers birthday and next Thursday is a night out with Blondie. And it's not about meeting guys. It's about happily going out and looking cute. And feeling fun and open.

On to other things.

I get weighed and measured next week and I'm a little nervous that there's not going to be a huge difference. My eating habits haven't been that great and have involved my processed comfort foods too often. I am spending extra time at the gym and trying to eat better in an effort to "cram" a bit.

Finally, work is happy, but I'm still broke. I'm not that sure when I'll be bale to catch up. It's my phone bill and my gym membership that's killing me. I know I have to have a detailed look at my phone bill and see if I can midify my plan or my habits to make it cheaper. I really don't think it needs to be over $50.00 a month. The gym bill I can't help (and I LOVE having it) but I know that it will go way down in January of 2009, and hopefully I'll be making more money by then.

I better be. Actually, if I'm not making enough to be paying down my debts by September or October, I will need to contemplate changing jobs again. I really hope it doesn't come to that though.

ok, this is boring now and really just for me. One last thing. I think I'm going to stop using my vibrator for a little while and see how that affects my wanking/orgasm issues. More details on that after some actual experimentation. RIght now it's only an idea.

Another blog

One of the many blogs I read recently asked its readers to email a favorite post of their to their male friends and spread the work of their blog. I chose not to go that route but I suggest anyone who is reading my blog go and check the out.

Here's a tiny bit of the post I picked:

I sober up immediately. I get up. I take her hand. I walk across the club, feeling the eyes of every one of my workmates on me. I look back, fighting down a gormless smile.

And then I stop, in the middle of the club. Right on the uncarpeted, 50p piece-shaped bit. And I turn round. And I look into her eyes. And I smile.

And then I dance.


Here's the rest. Enjoy!

I had the day off today. It's nice. I went running in Central Park this morning and am cleaning my room. A lot of organization more than cleaning really. I have three major things left to do before I'm really done for the day.

I spent most of Saturday feeling really shocked by myself for kissing that guy on Friday night. Not in a bad way, but not like in a proud way either. Just thinking about how it was so easy. I know I was drunk but there was no agonizing, no nerves, no panic about meaning.

I was dancing in the afterhours and it was the closest to feeling like Britain in a long time. The being so comfortable in my skin, the dancing, the good music. The talking to people like I'm happy and open as opposed to burdened and neurotic. I guess I just felt like this most of the night, but the dancing was the best.

So I have to figure out how to keep that in my everyday world. Not just in my drunk one. And I really can't afford to do that all the time, for my wallet and my health. Another thing I need a strategy for.

I know one of my things in Britain was to not turn down invites. I think I have to start that here. And this dancing and kissing boys is good, I just have to do it with available ones, and not rely on my tits so much.

(oh, I haven't heard from CRB in about a week. Zebra thinks it's good. I initiated the last contact so things are up to him this time. I picked up his sweater today. It still smelled like him.)

Press Rewind

I'm at work now and I'm happy here. I'm moslty settled on that front. I'm broke but it will get better.

I slept at Zebras last night. We got a ride to her house at 4:30 am and had to walk the dog.

We danced to fun 60's stuff at an afterhours club in the downtown eastside. I jumped on beercans.

(Pause. I could have stayed at the afterhours later and gotten myself some sex, but Zebra was leaving and I wasn't comfortable staying without her. I knew I was safe with the guy but I was really drunk and most everyone was doing coke so I figured it was best to end the night there. Plus he has a girlfriend and wasn't sure what their situation was, but now I know it's pretty open, Zebra is friends with her. oh, and we kissed. Seriously.)

We got to 340 just in time for a double and china whites at last call. We stayed there after closing and befriended a guy with good eyebrows and some girl I gave my card to.

(Pause. Later at the afterhours I asked if she had a home to go to and her answer was "I have a husband but I'm looking for a bit of coke for the ride home". I told her I couldn't help. Also, on the way to 340 Zebra and I decided to start a monthly super awesome dance night. I'm serious this time too.)

The sex-possibility bought Zebra and I all our drinks at the Morrissey. Lots of vodka and a round of china whites. (I love doing shots apparently.) The we hung out with this girl who Zebra knows from 340 and Her gay friend. Of course him and I got along super well.

(Pause. There was very liberal tit staring and even a bit of touching started here. I was totally encouraging it too. The attention was good. The being out was good.)

Zebra and I drank two pitchers of Sangria at Subeez. And ate yam fries. Her friend (the possibilty) met up with us there. I'd met him just a few weeks ago at her birthday but we didn't really talk other than introductions.

Zebra called me telling me even though she thought she had to work last night she actually didn't and I should come meet her.

I spent the day at work with clients and playing with some new products on myself. I also re-organized my product. I didn't have time to rebleach my hair.