Late or Early?

Well last night was obviously successful.

Bar 1: On campus. Drinking double vokda and orange juice. Two guys behind the bar know me. One I can not figure out for the life of me how I know him but he is hot and that makes it even harder to understand. I saw him on campus today and realized I did a presentation with him in Feburary for a seminar. I feel like a total retard for not remembering him becasue we have at many conversations.

Bar 2: I hug scotsman when he decides he does want to come out with us but mostly because it means Lily will come. We taxi into the city in two cars because there are a lot of us. It's 60's and 70's night at this bar when a girl who was with us (gorgeous and great clothes) could get us in for free. I drank some generic vodka ice drink because it was on sale. I had one shot of tequila and blame the headache I had this morning completely on it. No lime or salt either. We danced a lot and had tons of fun.

Boy 1: He is part of a group of guys that was sitting in a booth next to us. HE started talked to dakota and I. She was more drunk than me though and was speaking with a crazy british accent, she calles it her Oliver Twist voice. He said he thought I was american and then didn't get my wizard of oz reference and I kind of shunned him because of it saying something about my friends all being film students. At the end of the night I sat back down beside him and apologized for being rude if I was. We talked but I have no idea what about. I was touching his leg more than wouldn't have been appropriate had I not been so smashed. He took his mobile out. I would like to think he was going to ask for my number but I have no idea if it's true. He did ask my name though. I'm pretty sure I didn't ask his. He was actually from the place I live and not a student, which is not usually the type of person I meet. He was tall and had really short hair that was maybe light brown. He was wearing a blue shirt with a white logo of somesort on it. Someone called me and I tok of saying I'd be right back, but I never was.

Boy 2: This guy was a friend of the last one. Not as attractive and I don't remember what we talked about. I was much less flirty with this boy and just more conversational and opinionated I think.

Boy 3: This guy was actually in the group of people I was with. We talked about his dissertation topic, tattoos and piercings. He bought me the tequila which is why I didn't refuse. He was sweet and really hot and smart it seems. I was drunk and interrupted him a lot. But I interrupt people when I like them and am confortable. No big hopes though. He's almost too cool and hot for me. Kind of makes me think he could be like two of my friends at home who share a name. Like all the girls like them and think they're hot so they just don't respond to it and feel it's tiresome. I hate that. Potential friend at least. It would be nice to meet him sober though.

That's it for me for now. Tomorrow is another big night out as it's scotsmans birthday festivities. Dinner, film and dancing. I have to finish the second armwarmer that I am making to wear tomorrow and hopefully I'll have time to make a scarf to match Then I won't take a coat with me which would be really nice. That also depends of the weather is as good as it was today.

What I needed.

Ok. I am really smashed so excuse my tyuping.

1. I FLIRRETED WITH 3 boys tonight.

2. I had two mottos: My life is sponsored by H&M and I am standing on my knees. I had a third that I tod to Dakota but we both forgot.

3. I felt amazing the whole evening.

4. Stripedcoat and I got two free lighters out of a mchine just by baninging it. that sounds way more dirty than it is. really.

5. I had good chips with good amyo,

65. I have to wash my amke up off. Therfe will be more details tomorrow and I am going to eat the rest of my chips and sleep.

7. I am glad I can tell classclown I acutally ewnt out.

8. I feel stunning. and sexy and worth flirting with.

9. A boy had taken out his mobile but I left before he could ask me for my number''

10. There was a hot boy working at the bar of the first club and I knew him but I didn't know where.

11. I always come home wanting for be fucked after nights like this but don't have the co-ordination to do it myself. I end up falling asleep with the vibe betereen my legs and drain the fucking batteries.

12, when ever some on e ssumes I'm american I'm going to say "I'm melting! I'm meltin g" like in the wizard of oz. very tragic and fucking hilaroius.

13. I boy named jack with tatoos and pirercings bought me a shot of tequila and thank go dit didn;t make me trow up.

14. Classclown told me earlier today that he had to "wee" beofre we went to Sainsbury's and I repsoneded by saying iot was ok and that I didn;'t think less of him because of it.

15. I'm seriously goiung to end this post, finish my ships , wash my make upo off, and slide into my warm and unfortunately man free bed.

16. I suc essfully flirted with 3!!!!!!! boys tonight. one of whic I am likely to see again. I think I alreadyn said this but I am really proud.

17. When I eventually get laid I expect tons...I I mean TONS of congradulatory comments.

18. I appreciate the comkmment on the last post but I don;t thinn k I am yet that confident. and this must be making you laughing like mad now.

19. Boys, read the qiestion in the last post and fucking comment. bloddy hell really.'

20. everyone agrees Imy accent has reverteedd and I am shit at brit accents.

21. I LOVAE MY LIFE!!!!

ok. I am serious. chips \, makeup, bed. GOod night my lovely readers.

A Charming Man

Well another Thursday walk home with classclown and a quick trip to Sainsbury's. Fun as always. As he reveals stuff to me he seems more sincere, but then he'll say something that really doesn't impress me. He flirted with Flower (the new name for the check-out girl at Sainsbury's - when she's there we go to her till even when there's a queue) and she responded and it's funny to see. He's honest with me, which is quite nice. He makes fun of how I say things but very jokingly and physical contact is casual and comfortable.

But, I feel like it's over and we're friends and it's just another boy who doesn't like me. I mean I never had real hopes for anything but still.

Can guys out there answer me this: Why do you tell friends who are girls your experiences with other girls complete with explanations of how fit (hot) they are? I mean is it a clear "I'm not interested in you" type thing? Is it something you just don't think about and not mentioning how fit she is just wouldn't occur to you because it's integral to the story? I'm not being critical but just wondering. I've never noticed it before but I have two male friends here who do it a lot and it strikes me.

Anyways, I made myself look a bit like a dork because he asked if I had plans tonight and I said "of course not" And then I felt like a huge loser. He laughed and I said that's overexagerating and was just trying to save money because I'm pretty broke. And I do have plans this weekend and went to two films this week. It's just low key and how I am. I would go out if there were things to do and I have a bit more money.

Oh, Lily just said theres some people going to the campus bar tonight so I'm going to go with them. Yay! I think I need that a lot. I think I just need to feel social and like I have friends. I know both is true I just need some hard evidence of it. ok, well I'm meeting them in an hour so I've got to go eat something I think drinking is high on the list of priorities.

Dreaming

I am at a party or gathering of some sort. There is an unknown male friend with me. We're taliking about my dating situation and I don't want to. I just want to forget and enjoy the evening.

Then we're walking and he sees someone who I don't know. I don't know if he knows him. He stops and says something about me needing a man in my life and tells me to sit down and talk to this guy. I'm pretty embarrassed but the guy is sweet about it and laughs as if my friend was being sarcastic. I do sit down and we start playing cards. Soon I'm relaxing and we're talking. We give up the cards for a while.

I remember a kiss that was slow and light but hesitant and that being understood by him.

I'm lying on the couch alone watching tv. He enters the room and sits on the end of the couch. so I curl my legs up to make room. He tells me to come lie with him. I turn around but lay so that I'm not actually touching him, but my head is right by his legs. He tells me to put my head on his lap but something about it feels off.

This now reminds me of the boy I had the confusing relationship with. We touched each other a whole lot for not having ever kissed. And in a very tender but attatched way.

He guy says that he understands that I'm hesitant but that he likes me according to what hes learned in the evening but that my pace is ok. He just wants me to know there's no caution on his part. So I'm about to move to rest my head on his lap and my mother enters the room. She tells me that the person who wants this room for sleeping is needing to go to bed.

Mix in some stuff here about a hat, my niece, ancient artifacts and boxes.

I try to find a room to sleep in but all the beds seem to be taken already. I find a room that my mom is sitting in and usually people don't sleep in. I ask if it's ok if I sleep there. She asks if I'm going to be sleeping with him becasue it's the last bed and I say that I don't plan on it, but that there's actually two beds in the room so it's not an issue. She leaves and says it doesn''t matter either way.

That's all there was. It's weird how I never miss things about the Artist. Maybe it's because I'm friends with him a bit now, or I know we're differnt people and that he is not what I want from a guy in many ways. Our relationship was good in it's time but that's it.

When I miss someones touch I think of the counfusing relationship boy. The hugs we shared were innocent and young but there was something behind them which made me feel so loved and safe. Even 8 years later after all the crap of our lives he still made me feel that way. Even when he had a ((bitchy, snotty) girlfriend and I was so afraid of him trying to kiss me I'd never look him in the eye when were were standing close to each other, there was something magnetic about us. I'd phone him while drunk at midnight and he'd come to meet me because I wasn't ready to sleep. He'd sit on the phone with me for hours and talk as much as I did. Yet towards the last end, when he mentioned he had gotten a mobile and asked if I wanted the number I said no.

The last evening I spoke with him went something like this:

him: What are your plans tonight?
me: I'm going to go spend some time with Old Mutual Friend (OMF).
him: I'll come along, it'd be nice to hang out the three of us.
me: Oh, well I was hoping to spend some alone time with her. Did you maybe want to come by a bit later?
him: what, do you not want me around?
me: That's not at all what I said.
him: If you don't want to see me just tell me.
me: look I just want to see her alone for a bit. I haven't seen her in months.
him: I haven't either.
me: But I've seen you and I want to catch up with her alone. Plus don't you have a girlfriend you should want to spend time with?
him: I want to see both of you. I want to see you. I see her all the time.
me: look just come by later and we'll all see each other then.
him: I don't understand why you don't want me there.
me: listen to me, I do but I want alone time with her before you're around.
him: If you don't want to see me I just won't come and I won't phone anymore.
me: aren't we older than this now? How are you not hearing what I'm saying.

The conversation goes like this for another few minutes and out of frustration I say "fine I don't want to see you. Don't come." He says "fine" and hangs up the phone.

About half an hour later I call OMF.

me: hey, I'll be leaving soon so expect me in about 15 minutes.
her: HE just phoned me in tears because you didn't want to see him.

I feel really bad instantly but also irritated because he wasn't listening to me. I tell her I'll explain when I get there.

Once at her flat we talk about him and other things. I page him four times over the course of the evening and never get a call back. I apologize for making him feel unwanted and tell him to call or come over so we can work things out because I totally didn't intend for what happened to happen.

I never hear from him. ABout 6 months later I run into OMF. We're talking and she says to me "oh, I forgot to tell you. about a month ago he called me and said he was scared to call you in case you didn't want to talk to him but he says he's sorry for everything he's ever done to hurt you".

I was stunned and angry and frustrated. Today I just want to he touched and held the way he did. I don't want all of his emotional disfunction but if he were somehow to get my email from OMF and email me to see how I'm doing I would reply. Sadly, I would reply. This boy makes me feel loved. Sometimes it's a love I only remember being around with the Artist at certain points of our relationship.

I don't want another relationship to be like either of these again, but I want to feel that love that is just such that when you're drunk and sitting on a park bench and he knows it's time to get you home he stands in front of you and looks at you like you're the most absolutely perfect thing in the whole world. That nothing else matters other than the two of you, the park, and the constellations you keep identifying. He takes your hands and you know you're so safe to let him get you home, that you can just revel for a bit in his touch and his voice and not worry about where you are or where you're going.

One day I'll have to list all the resons why this boy was totally awful to counter this post.

Procrastination

I hope you all like reading random stuff about me. I talked to a guy tonight (see the lack of the word boy which usually means no sex/dating interest) but he's really nice and smart and tall. I'm wearing new jeans and they are a bit big in the waist so until I wash them they sit so low on my hips. Good becasue it shows of my tattoo and makes my ass look good, but bad becasue I really don't like my tummy right now.

Anyways, tonight's a lost cause for studying but I'm going to try to sleep early so I have lots of study time tomorrow. Instead I'm making chips and going to fill out two surveys that I recevied from Paul. He does not know about the blog and will not find out about it, but I'll email them to him. I feel bad not replying, but feel bad forwarding stuff to my friends. If anyone wants to reciprocate on their blogs let me know in the comments so I can come and read them. Oh, there's also two of them and some questions will be left unanswered, and reasonably so as you will soon see why.

QUESTION SET UNUS

1. First name? No chance.
2. Were you named after anyone? My mother once dated someone and it was his last name.
3. Do you wish on stars? no but I love looking at them.
4. When did you last cry? Sunday. A lot.
5. Do you like your handwriting? Love it.
6. What is your favourite lunch meat? This is not a vegetarian friendly question.
7. What is your birth date? January 8, 82.
8. What is your most embarrassing CD? TLC's CrazySexyCool
9. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you? On most days
10. Do you have a journal? 3 of them but one is currently being neglected and another is very specific.
11. Do you use sarcasm a lot? not so much any more.
12. What are your nicknames? People really just use my name. A few friends call me kitten or muffin though.
13. Would you bungee jump? I could be talked into it by the right person I think.
14. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? I have two pairs of shoes that lace up. one yes, one no.
15. Do you think that you are strong: Yup. all sorts of ways.
16. What is your favorite ice cream flavour? cookie dough.
17. Shoe Size? 7 uk/9 canada
18. Red or pink? pink!
19. Your least favorite thing about yourself? My legs or the fact that I procrastinate a lot.
20. Who do you miss most? I think I miss my flatmate from home the most but only becasue she's not coming to visit me anymore.
21. Do you want everyone you send this to, send it back? Well id didn't send it to a bunch of people so no.
22. What color underwear and shoes are you wearing? Pink and barefeet. The shoes I was wearing are blue.
23. What are you listening to right now? British Sea Power (whose new album is great)
24. What was the last thing you ate? veggie dogs
25. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? dark pink - magenta.
26. What is the weather like right now? It was super nice out today but it's night now. A tiny cold but clear.
27. Last person you talked to on the phone? Victoria
28. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? Their hair? I don;t know really. I suck at actually looking at people or remembering them. I'm more liekly to remember if someone was articulate than what they looked like.
29. Do you like the person who sent this to you? Yup.
30. Favorite Drink? Orange Juice. Good at all times.
31. Favorite Sport? I love watching (ice) hockey and miss it so. Swimming to do but I couldn't tell you when the last time I swam was.
32. Hair Color? Brown when it's natural.
34. Do you wear contacts? no, but I have coloured ones at home because of my job.
35. Favorite Food? Japanese food.
36. Last Movie You Watched? La Haine. I saw it tonight.
37. Favourite Day Of The Year? The days I feel most comfortable with myself.
38. Scary Movies Or Happy Endings? Scary movies if they are actually scary and don't make me think of embarrassing myself while making an ill-advised drunk phone call to a guy I was dating and ended up speaking with his flatmate instead.
39. Summer Or Winter? Spring
40. Hugs OR Kisses? Hugs.
41. What Is Your Favorite Dessert? Cheesecake of any kind
42. Who Is Most Likely To Respond? No one.
43. Who Is Least Likely To Respond? No one.
44. Living Arrangements? A flat with 4 girls who are dirty and not in a good way. In canada I share with my darling flatmate and my adorable cat.
45. What's your favorite book(s): Metamorphoses (Ovid), Public Love (Cooley and Spade) and City of Glass (Douglas Coupland)
46. What's On Your Mouse Pad? Crap about the complex I live in. In canada it's a monet print.
47. What Did You Watch Last night on TV? I have no TV but I did go see the Aviator.
48. Favorite Smells? Angel by Theirry Mugler, vanilla and lime
49. Favorite Sounds? obsense moaning and breathlessness. This is a weird question. I really like the sound of people winning prizes on TV shows.
50. Rolling Stones or Beatles? Beatles.
51. What's the furthest you've been from home? Home is so funny for me right now. I'd say Italy, but I kind of consider the UK home so that would make California furthest. Hmmm.
52. Do you have a special talent? I wouldn't say special but I can do tons of stuff that not everyone can do.
53. What is your ringtone? I have no mobile here and at home it's a certain piano scale where every key of one octave is played. I made it myself.
54. What is the best thing about the person who sent you this? Let's just say he's good enough that he's one of the brits I will be keeping in touch with when I go back to Canada.
55. Anything else you want to include? I'm sure anything missing will be on the next one.

QUESTION SET DUO

Spell your first name backwards: Nope for this one too.
The story behind your msn name: Well my blog name is based on a shakespeare character.
Where do you live? Somewhere in the midlands of UK, or Vancouver, Canada.
3 words that sum you up: Observant, Creative, Sensitive.

{DESCRIBE YOUR}
[Wallet]: usually a broze vintage cigarette case for cards and a silk pouch for cash.
[Hairbrush]: Small and blue.
[jewellery you wear daily]: Black silicone plugs in my lobes and several hoops in various parts of my ears.
[Pillow cover]: Dark purple sateen cotton from home.
[Coffee cup]: I don't drink coffe by I have two tea mugs. One is cream and says mug on it and the other is white and has green, blue and purple circles on it.
[CD in stereo right now]: All my CD's are on the computer and I listen to them randomly. Right now Nirvana is one.
[What you are wearing now]: Jeans, thong, sports bra (both pink) and a black mesh tank top.
[Hair]: long, wavy and needing to be coloured.
[In my mouth]: just the normal stuff.
[In my head]: see the last question.
[Eating]: Nothing. Drinking Mango juice.
[Some of your favourite movies]: He Loves me, he loves me not, Dirty dancing, The Red Violin, Edward Scissorhands. Tons more really.
[Something you're looking forward to]: Having term be over.
[Something that you are very afraid of?]: I fear a lot. I'm afriad of being lost - in many differnt ways.

[Do you like candles]: I get in candle moods sometimes.
[Do you believe in a thing called love]: of course
[Do you believe in soul mates]: Not that we each have only one
[Do you believe in forgiveness]: Yes. I do but it's hard to actually act on that belief sometimes.
[If you could have any animal for a pet]: A lamb. I know it's pretty possible but not in the city and I will always live in the city. Plus I'd want it to stay a lamb forever.
[Where wouldn't you mind relocating to?]: Where I am now.
[What are some of your favourite pig out foods?]: Crisps and chocolate milk.
[What's something you wish you could understand better?]: Why I react to some things the way I do.
[Anyone you miss that you haven't seen in a long time?]: I guess I don;t miss too many epole because I know I'll see them soon.

{In the last 24 hours, have you)
[Cried:] nope so yay for me!
[Gotten sick:] nope.
[Sang:] always.
[Eaten:] yes.
[Felt stupid:] Yup (see previous blog post).
[Hugged someone:] I don;t know when the last time I hugged some one was. Maybe that's why I chose them over kisses.
[Wanted to tell someone you loved them]: certainly not.
[Met sum1 new]: Technically but I didn't learn their names.
[Talked to an ex]: no.
[Talked to someone you have a crush on]: no. no crush currently. At least that's what I'm telling myself.
[Fought with your parents]: of course not.
[Dreamed about someone you can't be with:] haha. I am so fucked up.
[Are you centre of attention or the wallflower:] a little bit of both.
[What type of automobile do you drive]: I don;t drive.
[Would u rather be with friends or on a date:]: with friends because there's no one I really want to date right now.
[Do you like being around people:] More than I thought I did a year ago.
[Who have you known the longest:] I haven't known anyone in the UK very long. In Canada I'd have to go with the judgemental friend who lives with her boy.
[Who has the coolest siblings?] My flatmate at home.
[What do you think of the person who sent this to you:] I hate theses questions. I only think good things.

Ok. that is enough. My chips should be ready and I have reading to attend to. Goodnight all.

A different kind of easy

About 10 minutes ago I hear a knocking at the door of my flat. I don't want to answer it but it's loud and knocks twice and I'm pretty sure no one else is home. I put a hoodie on becasue the tank I'm wearing is covering very little and I'm wearing no bra. I'm also still in pyjama pants and haven't washed my face or brished my hair yet today.

So I answer the door and it's a rep from one of thr groups on campus selling tickets to a all-girls charity thing tonight (Ann summers party/fuskerware/dildos and lingerie). So I say no thanks becasue I have plans (Which I do) and he askes whaat they are so I explain and he tries to convince me that this would be more fun. But them this exchange occurs:

Him: What could be more fun than playing with dildos and fuzzy handcuffs?

My head: oh, I do that plenty already.

Me: I just laugh and mumble something about not wanting to embarrass myself, which I probably did anyways.

He goes on and says he'd go but he can't and something about how I should go because I seem really nice. I stick to my plans with Lilly and scotman and the bunch though and say thanks and he leaves. I close the door and walk down the hall with a big grin.

And now I want to go just because he said I seemed nice but it's not like he'll even be there. So compliment me and be sweet and I suddenly smile and relax and feel hot and good and I warm right up. It's really that easy. But that in itself might be a problem. I melt at boys being nice.

Plus it's not like I have money to actually buy sex toys and I'm not going on my own. I did call VIctoria and mention it telling her if she wanted to go to call me but she's at work and I leave for the film in a bit over an hour from now. ANd all sex toy party is going to do is make me wank more than I already do.

YAY!!!!!

I can finish my degree in one year!!!!!!!!!!

I don't know if I will, but I can. There are benefits to doing both so we'll see. But it's still a yay. The actual decision doesn't have to be made until Spetember so I'm not going to worry about it until then.

With all of the yay stuff though, this is actually the first time I'm excited about the premise of going to UBC, which is good considering I have to finish my degree there.

My own little world

Having my ipod has made me remember that when I am the only one that can hear the music I become way more introverted. Like I'm in a sparkly little bubble that no one else can be a part of. I am very there at the moment with the aid of Crash Vegas (Canadian band from the 90's that I love).

Classclown hasn't been coming to lectures today and

sorry. I took a break because just as I was writing that he walked passed me in the computer lab and we talked a bit. He has to finsih the assignment for our fun lecture that was due on Monday. I don't know why I commented on not seeing him in a bit but hmmm. I thought about the boy I had the confusing relationship with several years ago. I told the young downstairs boy that I wish I had never met him, but in a way I feel like I've lost him. I guess it depends on how I'm feeling about relationships and boys in general how I feel about this one.

Sometimes I do wonder, in a genuine way, not a pathetic one, when I'll next find myself in a love relationship. Like I half-blame my state of temporary-ness for not dating people (half-blame becasue that's kind of an excuse of other deeper things) but my life is temporary now. A year at home, a year back here for my MA and then who knows what.

The moving thing is like starting a relationship you know will end. And not because you're pessimistic or whatever but be cause you're moving really far away. something real and certain. I do think that makes me hesitant but it wouldn't stop me from dating someone. I don't think.

The truth is that I can only hypothesize about how I would react and feel about dating some one (and have only been able to hypothesize for over a year now) because I haven't even come close to actually dealing with it. That's not entirely true. The boy from december was a possibility in my head and I was going to go for it even though I knew it would be short lived, and when I kind of did he disappeared.

I'm not one to dwell about him, as I had no huge attachement to him. It sucked to lose the friendship but oh well. It's the situation I dwell on. He was sweet to me. Taking me to see things I wouldn't be able to on my own. Sharing his thoughts with me in an open way. Tolerating and even liking my crazy friends. It was those things rather than him I dwell on.

It's almost nostalgic. Like I only faintly rememeber it, but know it was good. That's kind of a sad way to see it, but I'm not that sad about it for whatever reason. When you don't date for a while (or a long time) you're told to just relax and things will happen when they happen, and take care of your self and love yourself, blah blah blah.

I know that stuff is true but I'm doing it. I have a good life in both Vancouver and England. I have great friends, a decent social life, I have tons of interests. But in the end the ralationship thing just isn't happening. I know I tend to like people who aren't proper for me or whatever, but I'm open to people who are. At least I think I am. Maybe I'm not though. Maybe it goes bacj to the night with striped coat knowing I wouldn't kiss him.

Have I made myself too independant? Am I not worrying about it so much that I appear not to want it? Becasue I obviously worry and I obviously want it.

At the end of this I have no answers at all but I'm smiling. Maybe that's the key. This sparkly little bubble. BUt my ipod is off now becasue I was talking to classclown. I guess I want movement and action and answers. I'm getting lots of them in other areas of my life but this one is just so static. Completely where it was an embarrasing long time ago when I finally felt over the Artist. ANd I know for a while after that I didn't want to date anyone but that has not been the case for maybe two years.

I'm open to thoughts and suggestions here. Classclown has the hair that does it for me. Maybe that's the way in which he is hot. Did I just say he was hot after denying it for weeks (months?)? Bloody hell. And he wears FCUK on a regular basis. OK. now my body is reacting and I must leave the room. Good shoes too. I want to look but he's behind me and it's obvious when I do so. ok. sorry, this is seriously stopping now.

I was just killing time here before I go to return two CD's to the cd library and hope that they don't fine me tons for bring them back really late but I guess you all got something much deeper than that. They're only that late because of break but I don't know what they'll do. It's supposed to be 40p a day fine but I couldn't return them while they were closed over break. I'm nervous to go so hopefully it'll be a smooth experience.

I'm wearing my hair down and wavy today and my fringe all pulled to the side with a bobby pin. I think it looks good but it's probably a frizzy disaster. This was quite the late-morning post. feedback always welcome unless it's that you want to date/fuck/meet me. I never said I didnt have problems. Always remember that.

Edited: I'm home now and it's an hour later but I just wanted to say three things:
1. I have a bit of a skewed sense of where my "home" is right now but there's a few songs I can hear that make any space feel like home. i just want to close my eyes and absorb everything.
2. I can't wait until I live on my own again (or with someone I like) so I can walk into the kitchen with no pants on.
3. No more talking about classclown in a sexual way unless I'm acutally sleeping with him- which so won't happen.

Monday Monday

Well I'm feeling better today. Had a wonderful seminar with the cute/dork ph.d student. Everyone was talking and really into the discussion. The lecture I had right after is for the same module and was also really good. I also spent some time in the library which was needed.

I had a hard time falling asleep last night and was feeling really anxious about my mom's luggage. I'd be a huge mess if that happened so I can only imagine how freaked she is about it. Usually it just gets on the wrong plane though and they find it in a day or so and get it back to the right airport. Hopefully she'll hear something soon. It would suck if they couldn't find them so much.

Tonight is going to be a reading and studying night. I'm going to go make some chips now and just relax for a bit. I'm actually surprisingly tired. Time to take my day clothes off and put my London t-shirt on. Maybe I should have said sloth was my sin of choice. I don't really consider it a sin though and don't like to define my life in Christian terms so, ya. SLoth is not a sin. Nor is lust or gluttony which are also activities I like to partake in.

A big list

Well below is a delayed response to another persons blog post but first a few other things of note. Today when Victoria and I went to buy tickets we found out they were sold out so no spring formal for us. Not a big deal but I was excited to be going out because I haven't been out in ages. I'm going to see The Aviator with them on Tuesday but that will be mellow. Unfortunate considering thengs really slow down during exams. I mean can they get any slower for me?

I'm longing a bit for touch today and the day has been emotional in general. I should be working on an assignment due tomorrow for the fun lecture but I am not. I also have an important test on Friday for the fun lecture and a bunch of reading to do for another lecture. Maybe for the best that there will be no drinking. My money situation suits the no drinking thing too.

I didn't have a full day of wanking and ice cream but I did do a bit of both. Found a comfortable wanking position in my computer chair, where I can even leave the curtains open and still be unseen from the outside - all good things. Ice cream was chocolate chip cookie dough.

On a very personal note my mom's luggage got lost by the airline. She had bought something very valuable and expensive that could not be a carry-on item because it contained butter knives. She seemed upset about it but didn't want to talk to me. I'm taking her not wanting to talk to me a bit personally because of occasional tension and furstration during her visit and that I think she feels I wasn't very sad about her leaving. I mean I wasn't but not because I wanted her away. I just know I'll be going home in two months and I can't get emotional about airplanes because there have been many of them in the last year and there will be many more in the next two. She was also nervous about the flight in general so I might be responding to that stress as well. I'm sure the airline will find the luggage because it probably just got on the wrong plane and things will right themselves in that aspect soon. As for the other parenty emotional stuff I'm sure that will continue throughout my return and this won't be the worst of it.

Anyway, here is the big list.
The ones that describe me are in bold. I've also italicized my comments about certain ones.


001. I miss somebody right now.
002. I watch more tv than I used to.
003. I like olives. Well slowly but surely. I am trying really hard.
004. I love sleeping.
005. I own a home.
006. I wear glasses or contact lenses. I'm supposed to for reading and computer stuff but I never do.
007. I love to play video games.
010. I have been in a threesome.
011. I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.
012. I like my handwriting.
013. I have acne-free skin.
014. I like and respect Al Sharpton.
015. I curse frequently.
016. I have changed a lot mentally over the last year.
017. I have a hobby.
018. I've been to another country.
019. I carry my knife/razor/whip/whatever weapon you want here everywhere with me.
020. I'm really, really smart. I like to think so at least.
021. I've never broken anyone else's bones.
023. I love rain.
024. I'm paranoid at times.
025. I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
026. I need money right now.
027. I love sushi.
028. I talk really, really fast sometimes.
029. I have fresh breath in the morning.
030. I have semi-long hair.
031. I have lost money in Las Vegas.
032. I have at least one brother and/or sister. I have a half-sister I always call my sister and don't think of her as less than that. I also have 5 step-siblings.
033. I was born in a country outside of the Canada.
034. I shave my legs. sometimes. It's not a constant. I also wax too.
035. I have a twin.
037. I couldn't survive without Caller I.D.
038. I like the way that I look. Most days.
040. I know how to do cornrows.
041. I am usually pessimistic. I used to be.
042. I have mood swings.
043. I think prostitution should be legalized. But there is so much more to my opinion than that and this statement is way too simple.
044. I think Britney Spears is pretty.
045. I have cheated on a significant other.
046. I have a hidden talent.
047. I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have.
048. I have random singing outbursts.
049. I am currently single.
050. I have kissed someone of the same gender.
051. I enjoy talking on the phone.
052. I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants.
053. I love to shop. It feels silly that I even need to say this by now.
054. I would rather shop than eat. If only I had a bank account to support it. And I would shop for food because I like it too.
055. I would classify myself as ghetto.
056. I'm bourgeoisie and have worn a sweater tied around my shoulders.
057. I'm obsessed with my diary.
058. I don't hate anyone.
059. I'm a pretty good dancer.
060. I don't think Mike Tyson raped Desiree Washington. Desiree who?
061. I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.
062. I have a cell phone. Not in Britain but in Canada.
063. I watch Muchmusic daily basis.
065. I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months.
067. I have never been in a real relationship before.
068. I've rejected someone before.
069. I currently have a crush on someone.
070. I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
071. I want to have children in the future.
072. I have changed a diaper before.
074. I bite my nails.
075. I am a member of the Tom Green fan club.
076. I'm not allergic to anything deadly.
077. I have a lot to learn.
078. I have dated someone at least 10 years older or younger.
079. I plan on seeing Ice Cube's newest "Friday" movie.
080. I am very shy around the opposite sex. Not so much as I used to be and not when drinking
081. I'm online 24/7, even as an away message.
082. I have at least 5 away messages saved.
083. I have been rejected by someone.
084. I have made a move on a friend's significant other in the past.
085. I own the "South Park" movie.
086. I have avoided work to play on OD. what's OD?
087. When I was a kid I played "the birds and the bees" with a neighbour or chum.
088. I enjoy country music. but not pop country...don't think faith hill and garth brooks, please.
089. I love my best friends.
090. I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza.
091. I watch soap operas sometimes.
092. I'm obsessive and often a perfectionist.
093. I have used my sexuality to advance my career.
094. I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all.
095. I know all the words to Slick Rick's "Children's Story".
096. Halloween is awesome!
097. I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it.
098. I have dated a close friend's ex.
099. I'm happy as of this moment.
100. I have gone scuba diving.
101. Had a crush on somebody you have never met.
102. I've kissed someone I knew I shouldn't.
103. I play a musical instrument.
104. I strongly dislike math. I like the theory and when it involves drawing, but I can't actually do it
105. I'm procrastinating on something right now.
106. I own and use a library card.
107. I fall in "lust" more than in "love." I doubt I do either right now. I'm feeling fucked about it all.
108. Cheese enchiladas rock my socks.
109. I think The Lord of the Rings is one of the greatest movies/books ever.
110. I'm obsessed with the tv show "The O.C."
111. I am resentful that I have to grow up.
112. I am an entirely different person around different people.
113. I think the world would be a better place if people just smiled more often.
114. I think ramen is one of the best foods in the whole world.
115. I am suffering of a broken heart.
116. zzzzZZZZZzzzzzz But I'll keep going anyway. I hope someone's reading the whole thing.
117. No matter where I am or who I'm with, I always seem to be lonely.
118. I am left handed and proud of it.
119. I try not to change who I am for someone.
120. My heart resides below my feet. Can someone explain this to me?
121. I have had sex with someone I was not in a relationship with.
122. I enjoy smoothies.
123. I have had major surgery.
124. I have adopted a pet from the SPCA. But both cats I've had were rescued and sick when I got them
125. I am listening to emo music right now.
126. Some people call me by a nickname.
127. I once stole a music stand.
128. I like pumpkin pie.
129. I love NASCAR!
130. I own over 200 CDs. But I'm going to sell most of them this summer when I get back home.
131. I work 7 days a week.
132. I have mono.
132. I don't have the ability to make decisions without changing my mind.
133. People tell me I have a horrible sense of humour.
134. I'm in my PJs.
135. I'm looking for love in all the wrong places.
136. I have a tendency to fall for the wrong people, or have them fall for me, so I can't help but reciprocate. well the first part is true, but not the rest.
137. I'll try anything three times.
138. Done drugs other than alcohol or cannabis. I took valium for fun once. And I've never smoked pot.
139. I'm having trouble sleeping.
140. I am a cuddler.
141. I love John Waters films.
142. I have made a pornographic videotape. But I would in the right circumstances
143. Sloth is my favorite deadly sin.
145. I know all the words to the "Firefly" theme song.
146. I love Dr. Pepper.
147. I'm a programmer.
148. I'm unhappy at times.
149. I own and have read all of the Harry Potter books.
150. I like to smell my own hair. Especially when it's freshly coloured
151. I carry a book with me almost everywhere I go.
153. I have flown to a different country to see a band.
154. Been hospitalized for "mental issues". I was an out-patient so I never had to stay over night but I went regularly at a time.
155. I have survived totaling a car I was driving.
156. I am addicted to a Manga/anime.
157. Somehow I always seem to get myself into trouble.
158. I have dated someone for longer than 2 years.
159. I have been hit by flying Eric Szmanda spittle. I don't really get this one but how can I make it happen?
160. I have lived in three different countries.
161. I have tattoos.
162. I have lost someone I cared about deeply. Not because of death though. But the fact I'm answering this yes is not a good sign.
163. I am not human until I have had some form of caffiene.
164. I can't use can openers.
165. I went to the emergency room last night.
166. I know all the words to the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme song. Almost but not quite

Ok kids, I am surprisingly tired after really doing much of nothing tonight. I am off to bed. People are having fun and being social outside in the yard and I feel like a giant loser. I need something good and fun to happen. Even my mom's luggage being found and a good result on a paper I handed in before break would be plenty. If anyone reading can make those things happen it would be really appreciated.

surrounded

There are girls lying outside on blankets and it's making me feel self-conscious even though I'm in my flat and happy. They're all in skirts or pants with tanks or bikini tops and small waists and perfect skin and shiny hair and blah blah blah.

I'm waiting for Victoria to get home from work and call me. Otherwise I've drank a bunch of tea, crafted, had a shower, had ice cream and danced around my room. I'm still wearing my London t-shirt and nothing else. I'm comfortable on my own.

Sometimes it's shocking to me how I can feel so sexy and gorgous one minute and totally unattractive and dorky the next. Like literaly one minute to the next. I think the formal is tomorrow and I'm not sure what I'm going to wear. Either way I'll have to shave my legs and do something cute with my hair.

is alone good?

I'm back at home and my mom should be landing in Vancouver in the next hour or so. Lots of stuff in my head but nothing I'm going to bore you all with. I thought about the boy from decemeber, the confusing relationship boy and class clown today. I also had some intense dreams I don't remember. I think there's just lots of emotions right now and I've just got to push through it all becasue that's all I can do.

I'm happy to get to sleep in my bed tonight and the toys are out from their hiding spot and in their end-table home. I may use one tonight but more out of a tension reliever than anything. It depends. I am feeling a bit loney and wanking sometimes makes it worse. The lonliness is just a skewed perspective though and confusion about my life and having the feeling like the next two years of my life will be temorary and unsettled and I'll meet people and leave them and that's that.

ah, I did say I wouldn't go into this. Hopefully tomorrow I wake up a bit refreshed. I do think my mood is partly due to tiredness because I've been getting up at 7:30 am almost everyday for the last two weeks and that is not something my body likes to do.

I have thoughts of writing something that might be far tto much information about stuff relating to sex drive and the new (and wonderfully working) menstrual cup, but I'll spare the details for now. But umm, it's different and good. I'll expend if there are requests or something. maybe.

painkillers

I've been taking two painkillers a day when I'm only supposed to take one. I didn't do it on purpose. My old ones were two a day so it's kind of habit I guess. So this morning I only took one and it sucked. I took a second about half an hour ago and I feel throughly better. Still a little bit of back pain but that might have as much to do with sleeping on the floor as it does my period.

I'm wearing one of my new shirts today and it's yellow. This is the ONLY thing I own that is yellow and can be worn. It's got a purple design on it and it super cute. New jeans are being worn too. It's good. Tomorrow is the big day and hopefully I will return and be positively stimulated by all the wonderfulness of London.

Two more days

Well I got a bit spoiled today in terms of having things bought for me. Jeans, a skirt, two pairs of shoes, two bags and two shirts. I also felt pretty cute in general today aside from all the shopping. We also bought a bunch of stuff at Sainsbury's to save me a bit of money. Over all quite good.

Tomorrow afternoon we head back to London and I won't be back here until Saturday evening. But then I am no longer sharing my space and that will make me happy in many ways. ALso, next week is a formal dinner and club night afterwards that Victoria and I are going to. There was one last term and it was crazy fun so hopefully it will be again. I'm thinking of being less formal though so I can be more relaxed and drink more at the party afterwards. We'll see.

I'm in full cramps mode right now and just chilling with my pain killers and some ice cream (on sale it was) reading transcripts. It's really going to suck sleeping on the floor tonight but it is thankfully the last time.

I'm late

Well I've spent the day home on my own. I should have went out to turn my paper in but it is not done. Right now it's good but 350 words over the limit and one section is a dit disorganized. It information is good but need to make it flow a bit more. My mother is out sightseeing and I am expecting her back soon. We're going out for dinner with Lily tonight.

I've been taking breaks from the writing and editing by catching up on my internet reading. That means some sex content. Which means I'm feeling a little hot. My mother is coming home soon and If I'm about to cum and the door bell thing rings I'll be so displeased.

However, good vibe news is I got rechargable batteries! They were mainly for my camera but super good news for the vibe situation. Batteries are expensive and I, unsurprisingly, go through a large amount of them. Also when I was in the shower last night I was thinking that my next sex toy purchase (assuming I have no one around to fuck and can't buy two person toys) is going to be waterproof. I won't have any actual money for a while but I can still plan can't I.

Ok. I'm going to save my paper, take off some clothes and have me a super quick orgasm on my floor.

success?

Well new locations and positions and things said under my breath, but my breating is deeper and more relaxed now. However, I feel like a nap but it's kind of late to nap and I have a paper to write. I'm thinking like a two hour nap and then get up and do the paper. I so lack motivation. And usually I have it all written and sorted in my head but this one I don't, which is more scary considering it's long and important.

The stress about leaving really affects my work. And I really don't like the new lube I got. That might just be becasue of the water though. I'm not a bit fan of water and wanking unless the water is causing the stimulation very directly. I really need a nap I think. I almost fell asleep doing some reading for a seminar this afternoon. I should have come home and napped.

Maybe I'll read my notes and do an outline. Go to sleep and write tomorrow starting early in the morning. I was up at about 5 am this morning.

Coming to an end

The title ended up being a really sorry excuse for a pun but is not meant to be.

I am just now eating dinner. Then I will have a bath. A friend drew it to my attention that my stress the last few days could just be repressed sexual energy. I agreed, particularly this time of the month and all the extra indirect stimulation of being back in lectures and seeing hot boys or boys the smell good. Plus I still have not started writing the paper that is due tomorrow at 2 and I think it's all connected.

So in about 10 minutes i will sneak the sex toys out of their temporary hiding place in the closet and I will have a nice and relaxing bath. My body is already getting excited by just the plan.

Although if anyone read the comments I'm sure this will not affect my need to really make a day of it on the weekend.

Sleeping on the floor

I'm sleeping on the floor this week and I am having lots of dreams about things. I can't remember them though. Even what kind of feelings or people they involve. I want to remember them and can't. I find they are easier to remember when I can lie still and half asleep in my bed. But the floor is uncomfortable and doesn't allow for that.

I just realized what I'm feeling today. It's the yuciness that comes along with being depressed. That despite how good things are (new ipod, good music, laughter, formal dinner, films, blah blah blah) it's temporary. That this little bit of my life will disappear and leave me behind. Alone and affected and unable to express what it is that's different or what I want. Or maybe that's all silly pessimistic and I should just get on with things, not listen to British Sea Power despite how stunning and brilliant the new album is and know that Vancouver is good and I can make it work around me and what I am now.

Some people say that you never really change, but I don't think that's true. I think you can. But the changes aren't obvious to the outside, they are deep and basic and aren't about HOW you are, but WHO you are.

That's enough of that stuff for now. Classclown and Adonis are in front of me on the computers. I'm hungry but don't want a sandwich. I'll eat something small before my lecture later and then again when I get home.

I need to talk

Do you have any idea how hard it is to talk/write/read about sex when you have your mother in your room? Well if not I'll teell you that it's impossible. I'm behind on the reading as it is and one more week is going to give me more procrastination material than I can handle. Especially because I have other things I need to be doing.

I'm also going to be getting my period some time this week and seeking release will not be simple. I'm going to have to get used to wanking in this shower and doing it fast with no vibe. A challenge I am more than willing to accept really
so maybe I shouldn't be frustrated but consider it a learning experience that will add a new skill to my list.

The downstairs boys walked by my window and I slumped in my chair so if they didn't talk to me I could believe it was because they didn't see me rather than didn't want to talk to me. But by slumping they couldn't see me so wouldn't know I was here if they wanted to talk to me. I really need to forget this 13 year old behaviour.

I talked to classclown and was happy. Not crushing though which is bloddy brilliant. The dreams have stopped as well. He was the first of my friends I've seen since I've been back though and that was nice. He didn't work for our fun lecture either and has a paper due tomorrow he hasn't started, so we will likely spend some time in the computer lab tomorrow as I also have a paper to write.

Lots oof hot football fans in Cardiff by they were drunk as we were there the day of the first FA cup semi-final match. Drunk but hot. And I was tired and with my mother. Such is life I guess.

welcome home?

Seeing someone from home is weird. It makes me not want to go home even more than before. It makes me love who I am here and fear that I'm going to lose all of what has happened these last 7 months the moment I stepped off the plane. I can't really explain too much now and I need to think about it once she's gone. My mother is with me until Saturday when we go to London for her flight.

I had fun and saw lots of stuff but have no fun stories to share. I hid my sex toys and it feels sad or something. I feel like I have to move when I get home but I can't really afford to live anywhere other than where I am now. I feel taller and thinner and prettier in my little citty in England. Desireable might even be the word but I didn't feel that while traveling as much.

This is all a little inchoherant right now but I don't know what's going on and it makes me want to cry a little bit. I might just have to accept some loses when I get home to have the life I want. I don't know. I'm confused. Maybe this is what happens when i don't wank for 10 days and know I won't for another 6. I'm mostly kidding about that but needed to lighten things up a bit.

I'll be around this week but not tons as my mom is here and I have work to do for my lectures. I didn't do as much over break as I should have.

Sleeping Early

Well three orgasms later I was not asleep so I checked my email. It tunrs out Martha's album (I've linked to her before and I will again) is getting great reviews and I order you all to go out and buy it. I am going to when I'm in London. SHe has an amazing voice and great lyrics and I want her album to sell. Or if she's doing a gig near you go fucking see it. She's not that big yet so it's likely to not be expensive at all. Her show here is under 10.00. So buy and go!

The other email is from a wonderful Canadian friend telling me and some other who no longer live there that she has been accepted into art school on the opposite side of Canada from me. I love this girl and I am so immensly happy for her.

Hoever, her wonderfulness got me thinking about how much I don't want to go to the uni I am going to be at in Canada. I never really thought about going anywhere else until I came here and I don't know if I'd pick the school if I didn't live there and it wasn't my only option without moving to Eastern Canada, which I wouldn't really consider.

But I really should go to bed. I should write my home uni advisor an email though becasue I have no idea what to take next or or how to get a degree there. SOmething has been sitting in the back of my mind the would mean way mroe time there than I want and I'm trying not to think it's a possibilty but I'm going to have to face it soon.

England has so not seen the end of me, and I have not seen nearly enough of it.

I really want to fuck someone again today. The world I created for myself to live in is a crazy one. I want to make a comment about copius amounts of lube but I'm not going to. You all have imaginations and I think I've helped them along plenty already. Ok, I should go. I should also know better than to post when I'm like this. I'm excited but stressed and I really should sleep.

Doing nothing

Ok, so I am being totally lazy. I haven't even touched the notes beside me. I have considered bringing them with me though and writing while on the trip. Late nights in B&B's or something like that. Or while on trains and in the car. It'll get done. They always do. I still have all day tomorrow to do it as well so surprisingly I'm not really concerned.

I've been wearing my sleep dress around today and, combined with the good music, I fell all sexy and dance-y. It's really short though and whenever I lean down to check what I have cooking in the oven I'm positive that if anyone walk into the kitchen too much of me will be on display. At least I can hear when someone comes down the hall to the kitchen.

My packing is much more done. Well all the stuff I want to take other than make-up and the like is piled into the suitcase. It doesn't all fit, but should once it's folded and sorted. I'm taking too much stuff though I think. Oh well. That's what tomorrows for. Plus I know I'll come back with an extra bag of stuff. That's how my vacations work.

ok, I'm going to go and keep reading randomness on the internet. The only reason I'm not writing my paper is because I don't know how I'm answering the question. I understand everything I've taken notes on and I understand the question I'm just not sure what I think about it all yet. If I had that it would be easy. I might go to bed early again.

I am going to start

Well the library this morning was worth it. If only to remind me how many really how guys go to my uni. And are in the library in the middle of break even. I thought of classclown all throughout my shower this morning. I'm still not thinking of him while wanking though. Not sure if that's good or bad.

I am wanting to eat today but I'm not really hungry. I think it's just an excuse to continue not writing the paper. The bibliography is complete and all my notes are neatly sorted beside me on my desk. I even have a blank document open and ready to be used. My laundry is in progress as is my packing, but I won't be able to finish packing until Saturday before I leave to catch my train. My room is also quite clean. So basically I am really running out of things to do instead of my paper. I have all day tomorrow though.

I really have nothing to say. I'm getting less shy about wanting to buy porn to not fucking caring. Last night I really just wanted to be fucked - even after all that being satisfied my myself shiit the other day. I didn't even pull out the vibe because my hands were occupied and unwilling to cease for even 5 seconds. I slept well and early though. Lots of dreams too. All about family stuff and my home. Not surprising considering the upcoming vacation with a member of said family.

A reason for everything

Well I decided to pay for porn and it didn't fucking work. bloody fucking hell. Apparently despite my credit card have plenty of spece on it it souldn't pre-authorize the transaction. I'll consider tying with my UK card in the morning or trying again with the canadian one in a few days. Such is life I guess.

It's actually probably best that I do it after my paper is done as I don't need incentive to not write it. Also I'm going on holidays for two weeks starting this weekend so it would kind of be silly to pay now. But in two weeks, if the want is still there I'll do it. It may just be a passing thing as today I am feeling a bit more wanton than usual.

I'll be honest (as if I'm not usually) and say I wonder what people are like in bed. Right now that is particularly relevant to classclown. Like I wonder. He's pretty shallow and I wonder if it's all for his own gratification. He also doesn't seem very adventurous, but then you never know. Although he did say he though two guys together was not in any way hot, nor did he understand it, which for me is not quite a deal breaker but not cool at all. Like would he go down on me before I made a move to go down on him? Would he venture near my ass without prompting? yes, this is how I think my friends. But I am not crushing on him. really.

Off to bed I go though, even though I am physically already there. I have a library to visit tomorrow and a cunt that wants some direct attention and not so much of this logistical stuff.

porn

After talking to someone I have decided I will at least go look at the book. So I have ceased attempts to write the paper tonight. I'm also going to go to bed early in hopes of hitting the library before non and coming home to do at least half of the paper before sleeping. I made baked tofu for dinner which kicked ass and didn't do laundry. I did realize that my new jeans look great with my heels. That's really cool because I always wanted to be able to wear jeans with heals but thought it looked funny on me. no longer the case. I may have to buy a pair or three of these jeans to bring home with me.

What does this have to do with porn you ask? Well shopping is like porn to me, but that's not what I wanted to talk about. See having nothing to do and lazing around all day, combined with a slightly heightened sex drive has got me thinking about paying for porn.

Now I'm not very visual when it comes to porn but I think that's mostly because so much of what is out there just doesn't appeal to me, aesthetically or ethically. When I do see stuff I like, I quite enjoy it. One of the blogs I read daily is Trixies and I really enjoy it just purely as a day to day read. That said, she is hot. I also really agree with her views on sexuality and porn and how she seems to run her business. To me, all that stuff is important.

Basically I'm considering joining. I don't have tons of cash but I could manage a month and then see if I want to cancel or keep going. I haven't really decided yet and I'm not too sure why. It is a site targeted to men but not done in such a way to offend, or exclude women and most of the women targeted porn I've seen does nothing for me, but then I haven't seen a lot. I've got a few other paid sites bookmarked because I came across them and was impressed so maybe I'll look at them. Comapre shop or something like that.

I'm snacking like crazy today and dancing around in my sleep dress. I am in quite a good mood and the hour is approaching to fall into my warm and cozy, if tiny, bed.

edited to add: I feel like a bad person (and I am) when I see someone who is heavier than me and I conciously remark to myself that I am "not as fat as them". Also, it's amazing how a really hot guy with tattoos is really unattractive when he spouts about god and likes ac/dc. (So far these are my thoughts as I look at paid porn. hm.)

stuff being done

Well it has been an exciting hour. I finihsed my bibilography and it is quite good. I usually have really good bibilographies so at least I know I' won't lose marks there. I also found out that the wonderful Martha Wainwright who just released an album this week is going to be playing in my city in June and I could seriously not be more excited about it. I'm actually going to pay the rediculously inflated UK CD prices I love her that much.

I'm seeing the second rainbow of the day out the window and the wind is blowing like crazy. I can hear the rain on the windows too. It's nice. My neck still hurts like mad. I'm going to go make something to eat too.

But I have a dilemma. I opened my course outline where my essay topic it and it seems that when I first talked to my instructors about the topic I was receomended a book to read to understand the concept I was writing about. Now it doesn't involve the specific context of the discussion but would be good background on general theory. I must have forgot about it though because I haven't read it. SHould I go to the library and flip through it? I really don't want to and feel I have a good grsp on the topic but will it look bad to not have it on the bibilography?

Bloody fucking hell I say. I'm going to put some tofu in the oven and start some laundry. I deserve a break. (HA!)

Sore and procrastinating

Yesterday I was hapily wanking in my bed. Then, right in the middle of my orgasm the muscles in my nexk seized up and caused me much pain. I was so not impressed. I realized I was in a weird position, half leaning against the wall, which I didn't have to be in but fucking hell. My neck and shoulders are still sore today too.

I had dreams last night about ballet. Starting to dance again and my shoes being uncomfortable and not feeling like it, but feeling pressured to. I also had a dream where I had to discect something for a class and it really upset me and I couldn't do it, but I was being forced to. So I cried and ran from the room screaming. I also had a dream the incluided looking at books in a library.

The dreams of being pushed to do something I don't want to do are easily explain by either my June trip to Greece when I'd rather stay in the UK, or just going home in general. I don't think I can link it to all the sex thoughts of yesterday.

I still haven't started my paper. I have put all my notes and stuff beside me on the desk so that I have to see them as I chose to not work on it. I don't know if that will help. I might do laundry today. Maybe a bit of crafting when survivor finishes downloading. Or, miraculously I might decide to do what is best and start my paper. Who knows.

Considering Sex

well I should be considering the Italian countryside, power dynamics and art right now and working on my paper, I am not. I am going through all the blogs I have bookmarked and reading them. I am listening to music. I am eating crisps. I am reading various message boards. I am thinking about crafting. I am waiting for CSI to download.

But above all I am thinking about sex. Not in a fun, I want to wank, way, but a pensive and analytical one.

(aside before my boring sexual considerations. Rupaul's blog currently has a bunch of Mariah Carey content and I love it. I have such a soft spot for her and it's another thing on the list that makes me unhip. go visit. His blog is great in genrral too.)

I was thinking about how it's possible for me to not be sexually frustrated. I mean, ya, I want it, but I'm not frustrated. If I don't wank regularaly I get a bit retarded but that doesn't really happen because I wank whenever I want really. On one of the message boards I read there's a discussion on frustration and I read it but I never post because I don't feel it. I have no overwhelming desire to just get laid to be less frustrated.

Not really connected, I'm feeling done with the (non)crush on classclown. It might just ben because I'm not seeing him but whatever. I'm just boring of having crushes on people. I'd love to move forward, but in a way, and obviously, I have no idea how. Well I do technically but I'm not for whatever stupid reasons.

I wonder what I'd be like if I did have someone to sleep with and was actually sleeping with. Would I have more desire? the same? less? I think that might be a stupid question but I'm not sure. Maybe it just concerns me because in a way I want to be sexually frustrated. Like if I were I'd be more motivated to get over all my fear about dating and relationships and just do it. But the fact that I can keep myself satisfied doesn't help that. If I can keep myself more-or-less sexually satisfied, and I have friends that love me and keep me entertained, why do I need a boyfriend? I don't really belive that, but it's easy enough to accept when I'm scared.

At the same time though, I know I would be way happier if I had someone else, if only happier in a sexual context. But then I don't really remember it. I have to go back to the Artist to consider what my last sexual relationshipwas like, and maybe becasue it's so shamefully distant, or because we're friends, I just don't get anything from it. We had a good sex life for what we knew. We experimented, I came a lot, and such. However, I can't really remember it. I have a few moments in my head but the most vivid one is the virginity story, which is really fucking funny and non-sexual, and the night he broke up with me, which actually made me really mad and to this day leaves me with bad thoughts.

All other episodes with other people (none of which involve fucking) are awkward and fucked because I can't do anything without over thinking or with me too drunk to remember deriving actual pleasure from it. Good at the moment but shitty in memory.

Maybe I'm one of those people who just needs a good fuck to remember what she's been missing. It's not that I don't want it though. I just don't want it enough to overlook other things. Sometimes I think that's good and othertimes, like now it kind of pisses me off. I'm in University, shouldn't I be fucking a lot of people? or at least fucking one person a lot?

As usual I don't know where any of this rambling is going. I think I might delay my paper writing a bit more and have a "nap" or something. Part of me just wants to get it over with so I don't have all this hesitation and fear anymore but I think it would suck to get laid once, have it be really good, and not have promise of it again. Or if it was bad what a fucking waste. I'm definitely on the 'no sex over bad sex' group.

I think I'll leave this here for today. Or not. we'll see.

Delayed thoughts

Another dream about making out last night but I don't remeber who it involved and someone was irritated with me about it (not the person I was making out with). I wish I could just have normal sex dreams like everyone else.

London was fun. I mean nothing really exciting happened. A went to museums, though not as many as I had planned, and they were good as expected. I totally stayed on budget despite shoes and a relatively expensive dinner on Saturday. I hhad met some people I know from a community and it was lots of fun. We went out for a bit afterwards, but I left fairly early with some others becasue I was staying in HIghgate and wasn't sure which night bus to take. I was also tired and a bit headachy.

I think it's just how I felt being there. Like it was al very natural. The tube, the train, the parks. It's hard to explain. I just felt happy and that made the weekend great. I guess it's so nice to be able to go to London for weekends, but in the back of my head I know that soon it will be impossible.

I have this compulsion with eating. Because I don't eat meat I am kind of obsessed with liking everything else. I was like this as a child to and I did eat meat then so who knows. There are very few foods I don't like or will not try now with only the meat exceptions. That's probably why I'm so distressed by my bodies sudden distaste for eggs and other animal by-product items.

When I was young I didn't like squash. My parents cooked it a lot though and everytime they did I'd eat some. It wasn't becasue they made me, I like vegetables so it's not like I was forced to eat stuff, but because I wanted to like it. I mean they liked it so what was my body/head not getting about how good the stuff was? SO everytime I could eat squash I'd have a tiny bit. Now I love the stuff and make tons of stuff with it.

Anyway, my current food challenges are olives and beets. I have never liked either. I can now handle olives on pizza usually and in pasta sauces where they're well mixed in. Beets are a challenge. Once I went to a friends for dinner and she had put beets in the salad. I didn't tell her I didn't like them and ate them. Luckily they were big and I only had two when I served myself. They weren't bad but I wasn't hooked. Another time we were at her's and making salad and they were shredding beats for the salad. We had been drinking a bit while cooking and I told them how I hated beats but I wanted to like them and to put them in the salad anyways.

Olives are another story. I had a friend from hom visiting me and we were going to make burritos for dinner. She grabbed a jar of olives and I told her i didn't like them, but wanted to, so we'd just chop them up and it'd work. So we got to the flat and she was cooking and I took a whole olive right out of the jar and with lots of courage I ate it. It wasn't that bad but I said I wouldn't do it again. I did like them mixed in with the burritos though. Another night we were out for dinner and there were whole olives in my salad and I ate them all. I was actually proud of myself. Then at dinner this Saturday olives were part of the bread and humous starte and I ate three of them. 2 green and a black. I am seriously proud of myself.

Another think I don't eat is coffee. I guess I don't drink it. When I meet people for coffee I either have a hot chocolate or a steam soy milk with vanilla. I don't really like the smell of it and am supposed to limit my caffine intake as much as possible because of the anxiety. So this weekend I was staying at a woman house who I hadn't met and in the morning she asked if I wanted coffe and I thought I said "no, tea please" but she proceeded to make only coffee. Well I should couldn't stand to correct her so I was served coffee. I drank the whole thing and even had another cup the next morning. It didn't wake me up that much or anything, but wasn't as bad as I remembered it. I won't start drinking it now though, it wasn't that good.

That plus the beautiful shoes and great museums is all I need to be happy with a weekend in London.

Another thing was that she had a son who was 17 and he was really hot. As 17 year old boys tend to be he was a bit withdrawn. He came home around 2 am on friday which was an hour earlier than he had said. We were still up talking in the kitchen. Me and he had talkind about all kinds of things that night and when she asked he son if he had been smoking any pot he looked at me and was pretty caught off guard. He does, but said he hadn't that night. He did say he had drank 9 pints that night though.

Fuck, it just started to rain. I want sun. I had corn fritters that were on sale at sainsbury's yesterday and they were good. I'm hungry now but am not sure what I want to eat. I've got stuff though. I had my first orgasm in days yesterday (I tend not to wank in other peoples houses unless they're involved, or I'm drunk, horny and sleeping there) and that was quite good. The bateries in my vibe are running low though and I'm out of new ones, so I must buy some. Hopefully I can get by until my papers done becasue I really need to stay home until it is. That's silly. My hands are fine, they just take longer, but I have the other toy in incorporate now too.

I did have other things to say yesterday but blogger had fucked up and I don't rememebr them now. I might go to some writing or I might waste some more time. In any case I'll be around.

Mulling It Over

I'm just watching some American Idol then I've got to head to the library to finish my research. Also to Sainsbury's because I have very little food and will need snacks to get through the paper writing.

I was thinking about my dreams with classclown and what my brain is trying to tell me. I sometimes have dreams about the Artist in sexual or couple-y ways and I know that they are about wanted to feel completely loved. So taking that type of idea I think dreams of him are about wanting to feel like I'm worthy of flirting with. That sounds kind of silly but it works in my head, becasue it's not related to who I'm dreaming about but how they make me feel, and it's that feeling that I want.

This is just another short one because it's getting late and I need to hsower before I go to the library.

Home sweet...new shoes

Well I am safely back in my flat. The weekend kicked ass tons and was surprisingly cheap in terms of a weekend in London. Highlights include awesome shoes, fabulous people, a beautiful and insipiring museum, amazing weather, self-discoveries, another kissing dream about classclown, a really hot 17 year old, and tasty food. I am feeling wonderful but have tons of online stuff to catch up on. I'll be around tomorrow with a bunch of crap probably.