Quick Reflections

Loosely following Midges lead:

1. I think not drinking as often makes me less quickly drunk. Strange but maybe true. Howver, the two I'm with now are trashed and I am compltely sober. I actually drank asignificant amount too. hmmm.

2. I miss a lot of things. I miss people, places, objects, feelings. It's a very hard thing to navigate and get a handle on really.

3. I am in between lives. Like in a place of transition just when I thought I knew exactly where I was going and how it was going to most likely work. Now I am neither here nor there with it all and not feeling I know how to fix that.

4. I can't say at all that this year was bad. I can't say I don't want the next one to be better. I want no deaths, less crying, a relationship and comfort with future, no matter I decide it might look like.

5. I don't feel sad and teary which is really quite amazing and does make me feel good about things.

Nearly Ready

I am on my second glass of wine and grazing over all the food being served here tonight. In about 10 minutes a friend of Lily's is coming over and then at 8:00 we are going to meet a bunch of her other friends and then see where we're going from there. Really I'd be satisfied if the evening ended up here just relaxing.

Yesterday we went to Manchester andenoyed much shopping. We came home very tired and with many new items. I really quite liked the small part of the city we saqw. Then we stayed up until half 2 just all talking in the living room. It was very nice.

I must go now to both eat and drink more and I will check in sometime tomorrow.

Happy new year everyone!

An English List

1. Shopping in Chester today. Bought: 3 knickers (4.00 pounds). 1 black and silver tank top (9.00). 1 bra (12.00). 1 pair of shorts, for inside flat only (2.50).

2. Massive coziness with Lily's family. Lots of kid conversations, dogs, comparing Canada to England, opening presents.

3. I love it here. I feel good and rested. I want everyone to move here.

4. We are going to the pub in just a bit with some of Lily's friends.

5. Tomorrow is Manchester for more shopping. Yay!

Now I know

I was still in bed at noon today despite having tons to do in the way of cleaning and packing and being really hungry. But I was online and IceHockey messages me to ask for some music for his computer at his parents house where he's staying until new years. Here's part of the conversation. (Oh, and the name I was using was myname plus "needs a massage" becasue I really really do.)

IH says: oh wait, got any dan bern tracks to share?
Celia needs a massage says: yup, one sec
Transfer of "08 The Engine Driver.mp3" is complete. (by The Decemberists)
IH says: nobody gave you a massage for christmas?
Celia says: no, everyone just gave me money for england. that's really all I asked for
Celia says: I got a few other things but no massage
Transfer of "10 Estelle.m4a" is complete. (by Dan Bern)
IH says: i gave my gf a salon massage
IH says: she didn't look too impressed by the gift certificate though... hope she enjoys it
Celia says: she totally should
Celia says: do you want one last dan bern track?

We talked more after and before that but it appears it's not only his job that's been taking up his time. Oh well. Another one bits the dust. I shouldn't be surprised really.

I must go clean and pack. The house is kind of messay and in 24 hours I will be somewhere in the Vancouver airport going through customs.

Christmas

1. To readers: I have drank a whole bottle of wine to myself tonight. I feel like I need to cry but it is a deep reaction to something I am scared of and something I need someone to hold me through. I just don't know who or when.

2. to IceHockey: I love that you texted me even though I was away to apologizae again that you didn't come to the party and that it is just hard to find time becasue of work now. I am going to find a good but cheap show to invite you to that is sson after I get back but after my birthday. Midge says if I invite you to a show that you would consider it a date so that is my plan. I hope it works out.

3. to me: Don't cry. I know you're sad and lonely and you just want to weep for days but soon you are going to England where you will feel so ay home and have lots of money to spend.

4. to CRB: I am so sorry I upset you last week and I honestly feel really bad. I wanted you to come her to night and share my bed in a loving but platonic way. However, I know I'll only feel that way until I see you and that all the "what if's" have faded away from my pictures of you. But I do want nothing but the best for you and I hope we can be proper friends. I am so sorry and I should have said that earlier. The invite I extended for tomorrow was comepltely honest and should have been done last week.

5. To the first boy who touched my breasts: It was fun to see you tonight. You are cuter than I remember you but way too normal for me. The suburbs can be such a downfall.

6. To C: Your new short hair looks super hot but I'm kind of glad you didn't see me when I was in the store yesterday.

7. to Midge: It was so so so good to see you and cuddle in bed. If you're basking in sex right now I am so retarded jealous.

8. to England: I miss you but you are only 3 days away.

Last Sleep!

Well Midge arrives tomorrow. I have some crafting to take care of before she arrives but that shouldn't be difficult. Our plan consists of cuddling, manicures, food, Chatton's party and likely more cuddling. Oh so exciting. I can fill her in on all the boys (4) I'm not having fabulous sex-filled relationships with - mind you only two of them are of interest in those terms.

Today I got a lot done in the morning and then spent the evening shopping with Miranda. We spent a lot of time in Chapters (found boy number 4 there), ate sushi and shopped for her boy (who I really like). It was super good and it made me feel good.

As suggested by all three of the professionals I have talked to this week (doctor, councellor, and group therapy facilitator) I am letting some people know about my worries of Christmas, trying to think in advance what my triggers for sadness might be, what memories might be called up, what traditions need to be rethought. Plus thinking about how I'll be able to try to do to get through them. They have also all forbade me from not leaving the house once a day, encouraged me to talk to my friends as my friends will want to make me feel better, and to line up things to do when I get back to my trip to avoid a major slump.

Sorry, that was a nutty paragraph. On Christmas eve, which I really want to dress up for even though I won't, my step-sister is cutting my hair which is exciting. It really needs a major trim in the front. My hair is very long and red and healthy otherwise though. I don't think it's be this long and stayed this healthy and managable in years. It makes me happy. I'm not sure when Midge is leaving on Christmas eve but the only reason all the step-sibings are coming so early is to watch a football game on the big TV. Midge and I can drink wine and play crib or something. I'm so glad tomorrow is tomorrow.

Floating

I am feeling slightly more calmed despite having an awful morning and feeling like a complete failure and just barely holding back tears as I walked around UBC. My funding is all screwed and I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm worried returning from England will be really hard as I habe nothing here to look forward to.

I'm going to UBC councelling tomorrow and then group on Wednesday. My doctor has also decided to increase the does of my anti-depressant a little bit to see if that helps with the major dips in sadness. They just don't want me to be so hard on myself for what's going on and to remember this is a hard time of year and nothing I'm dealing with is easy.

Three more days until Midge arrives and the real Christmas craziness begins. I have a few more tiny gift to buy and make and just a few more than that to wrap still. I'm doing really good on that front. I also talked to Lily today and that picked me up and re-energized me about that.

I want the next 3 days to go super quickly.

I feel...

Lonely. Lost. Confused. Pointless. Mislead. Disappointed. Unfulfilled. Alone. Irrational. Selfish. Stuck. Blind. Damaged. Hidden. Scared. Disconnected. Hopeless. Desparate. Isolated. Unwanted. Useless. Distant. Broken. Drained. Fragile. Unstable.

My heart is not in a happy place and I don't know what is what right now. I could feel the same in the morning or I could feel completely different. And I know I have people but I just feel like such a downer. I mean it's fucking Christmas, I go to England in 8 days, I have no obligations in terms of work or school, but I feel like this. Plus they all have loves and jobs and all that stuff which gives one a life and I just feel like I'm unreasonably complaining.

And maybe it does go back a bit to one boy not coming to my party and another not answering my text but it's more than that. It's not wanting that to matter and it's knowing that it doesn't to anyone else. That it hasn't to anybody in forever. A year ago it was the only thing in my world not working wonderfully but it's just become this small part of this giant overwhelming pile of things. I just don't know what's happened.

Maybe it was better when I wasn't talking to CRB. Then I could think "if I had his number we could talk and he would make me feel loved". But now that I have his number and know he won't make me feel that way, I feel like there's nothing. I can't even hope for someone to want to come to my rescue. I just sit here alone deciding whether I should ride the tears out or take a sedative so I can fall asleep.

ok, I sobbed a bit and a few things came to me. I need to get back to councelling. I'm glad I'm seeing my doctor tomorrow. I don't want CRB to be the person I associate feeling loved with. I am so scared of guys/relationships and feeling unwanted. I have no idea how I'm going to cope as this week progresses. Or next week for that matter. I wish I knew the key to feeling normal again. I wish it was as simple as quitting school or buying a new camera. I have no idea where to turn for help or support in times like these. I really need to sleep now and hope to keep the vivid and slightly traumatic dreams away.

A Quick List

1. Party last night went super well. Lot's of fun and the perfect amount of champagne for me. I'm happy.

2. IceHockey didn't end up coming. We talked on the phone and he suggested he might have an evening or two free this coming week but I'm not sure if we'll see each other. I mentioned that I was going away but would be doing a birthday thing upon my return and he would be kept informed. Who knows if this will go anywhere.

3. I feel bad for how I phrased something last time I talked to CRB (to actually cancel lunch with him and Red). I texted him this morning to see if he has plans tomorrow but no response yet. We'll see. He's juggling three other girls right now who he's sleeping with so I'm surprised he has any time for me at all between them, being stoned, and going to work.

4. I only have one more Christmas gift to buy and a few to finish making. Most of them are wrapped too. I feel in good shape about it and I am looking forward to the weekend.

5. Tonight I feel a bit low in general. Something feels over but I'm not sure what exactly. I just want to sit and craft and zone out. This week isn't busy at all save for tomorrow and a few practical things I must do at UBC. I also want to get some school work done before I go on my trip too.

Today

Done
1. 5 dozen Sugar Cookies baked
2. 12 Mince Pies
3. Laundry Started
4. Sorted cocktail accessories

To Do
1. Ice sugar cookies
2. 2 dozen more mince pies
3. Finish laundry
4. Reclean kitchen
5. Fresh linens in bathroom


I feel busy but good. I also have to eat and tomorrow is going to be even crazier. More intense and weird dreams. My obsession with animals is spreading into that world. scorpions, rats, hamsters, monkey, dinosaurs - They're all involved. I'm feeling a little crazy as usual but my mood is mostly up. I'd liek to have everything done by about 6 so I can just sit and watch films and eat dinner. I should have some food at some point before then though.

Waiting

Chatton is on her way here and then we are going Christmas shopping for a bit. I hope we get something to eat too because I'm hungry but the only food we have here needs a while to cook or is for the party and so can't be eaten. I kind of made plans to have lunch with Red and CRB but I don't think it's going to happen today. I saw Red yesterday though and will see her next week so I'm not too concerned.

As for CRB I never really explained after last week. Well I did a little. I guess I just realized that no matter how he's changed he's not for me. We'll stay friends this time because there is none of that tension and we're both honest now but that's it and it won't be constant friends.

My hair is all nice and freshly dyed with that yummy smell. It's bright red and looks really good. I even straightened it this morning. I'm feeling really tired. I've been having more stressful and very weird dreams. I was actually glad Chatton woke me up by calling this morning. Titania and I also actually went to bed early today which is super good.

On another note, I have to start running again. A bunch of my jeans don't fit me anymore. This is the only way I can tell if I've lost of gained weight. It kind of sucks. We were doing really well for a bit in making it a habit but then the rain started and we lost it. We should start again for at least this coming week and then when I'm back from England. It's not really so cold that not going is justified by the weather. It's also not raining a lot.

Ok, Chatton is going to be here in like 5 minutes so I am going to finish getting dressed and find something to eat before we go out.

Creation

It feels like ages have passed since I decided all this school stuff but it's only been a week today. I have been working on gift making and buying and party plans like mad. Things are really coming together on all fronts. I'm feeling a bit sad and thoughtful at times but I am keeping moving.

Tomorrow Titania and I are going to start cooking for the party and then we are going to see the Artists girlfriend play for her album release. I don't think we'll stay long because being around drunk people makes me sad and my energy is still pretty low compared to most other people.

The rest of the week is more cooking and crafting. I hope to finish all my gifts and shopping by this time next week (except for the blanket for Lily's parents). Then next week I can do the first assignment of my course next term, sort out what I am packing for my trip, finish the above mentioned blanket, decide what I'm baking for x-mas eve dessert, and take care of some other things (doctor, school).

Next week Midge will also be visitng for a day, I have two christmas parties to attend (one at Chatton's and another at a club). Titania will likely be out of town with her family for the few days around Christmas. For my family we do gifts and dinner out with my mom and step-dad and -siblings. This year is japanese and korean bbq. Then on Christmas day I'm going to my sisters mom for our traditional brakfast and then back to my sisters for more gifts and dinner.

Today however, there's a bit of a twist. The first guy who ever touched my breasts, nearly 10 years ago, will be with us on Christmas eve. He is one of my step-brothers best friends and this year will not be able to be with his family. So we have invited him to spend the night with us. I haven't seen him since that long ago summer so this should add a little bit of interest to the evening. Especially because I find most of my step-siblings kind of generic and boring.

I'm not sure how much I'll be updating for now. Christmas is harder in a way I am not really prepared for and I just don't want to think about it becasue I don't want to cry. It just worries everyone. You'll get party updates though particularly how I get along with IceHockey. Actually, side note is that his real name is the same as the boyman joining us for Christmas.

And nothing going on with respect to CRB Maybe we'll meet for coffee and I can show him pictures of last year before I go out of town. I actually wondered what he's doing for Christmas because of his lack of family here. I think of him but without a hint of hope or longing. That is good I think.

Consistant

1. Red called to set a time to meet and do some book binding. She was a little too excited about me and CRB talking agin, especially considering I don't know if we will talk again. I'm just not seeing the point right now.

2. The Artist included me in on a general email to invite people to his new girlfriends album release next week. I would like to go, she sounds really good. (added I might ask IceHockey if he is into going should Titania and Chatton not be able to.)

3. Much more craft stuff done today and some sorting. I still have lots to do for the party and for gifts.

4. It was nice to visit HK Inc. today. I was there for about an hour and everyone showered me with "so nice to see you", "when are you coming back" and "you look really good".

5. Tomorrow is my advising apointment. Then I'm going out shopping with my mom. We haven't spent that much time together in the last while so we'll see how it goes.

6. I'm still crying at everything but feeling ok. I'm managing which is probably the most important thing.

(added: 7. Is it wrong that having two orgasms in two days makes me feel more normal than anything else recently?)

(edited at 2:21 am)

Productivity

I have been completey doing lots of things but all at my own pace and at my own choosing. It's helping. I haven't even considered contacting CRB all day and I talked to IceHockey who is going to come to the party next weekend. I made cookies tonight and I am taking them to HK Inc. tomorrow to pick-up my cheque and say hello to everyone there.

I might go buy my camera tomorrow. I'm pretty sure I'm just doing this because I want to even though I don't need to at all but whatever helps is kind of important right now. My mom found something of my Dad's yesterday and when she told me I just fell into tears. It was a stamp set that I bought him when I was much younger. When we cleaned out his apartment I didn't see it so I was surprised to know it was in one of the boxes she has kept of wrapping paper and ribbon. Even now it's hard to think about it. The closer christmas comes the worse I feel.

I called called UBC advising this morning. I kind of rexplained my situation and explained how I felt after being dismissed and sent away in tears by the last advisor I saw. The woman I spoke with was really nice though and got me a special appointment for Friday morning. I will drop all my courses then. I still have the knowledge from the term so I don't feel it's a complete waste of 3 months.

On friday I'm going to IKEA and Micheals (giant craft shop) to pick up a few last things for Christmas gifts and the party. I'm going to go watch cocktail and wait for Titania to get home from work, as well as update my to-do and shopping lists.

I'm ok

Well I'm not really ok but I'm also not into talking about last night. He was completely good but I just got into a mood towards the end of the night and it has persisted. I didn't go to councelling today and I really just want the world to end. That sounds really shitty. I just don't want to go to school or work or do anything. And I feel like a total failure. I don't even feel like England will solve my problems now. And I don't even want to finish this term. Just quit and chalk it up to a learning experience or something like that. I just don't feel good about any thing.

Nothing New

He was nice as always. We talked a lot about many things. However, I'm disapointed in myself and I'm disapointed with my world. I didn't finish my paper. I don't want to go to therapy tomorrow. He is not what I realize I kind of wanted him to be. I am unsure if anyone is. I want to hibernate. I want to cry. I want to eat pasta and cream sauce until I throw up. I feel lost and confused and displaced and nothing else worth anything good.

I am going to try to sleep without crying and I will explain more tomorrow. The only real upside is that I looked so good tonight.

Still Sick

Well as the title suggests I feel gross. Eating seems like the grossest thing ever but I need to do it to keep my energy up. But when I feel like thorwing up whenever I do eat it's a tough decision. I need to feel better which at this point means not really eating. Blah. I do fell hungry but food is just yuck. This sucks.

I realized my paper will not get handed in today so I've done a load of laundry and made a note book that fits into my new purse as my sketch book doesn't. As soon as the laundry is done I am going to start working on my paper. I also put my hair up into pin curls so I'll need to take them out at some point and hope they look good.

I am going out tonight with CRB. The film's at 9:30 so we won't meet up until later. I am much more relaxed about it today but still have lots of questions and lots of them are either not meant for asking becasue I don't really know how I'd feel about the potential answers. It will be nice though either way.

ok, off I go to get my laundry and then work on my paper.

Another Late Morning

I think I do want to drop another one of my lectures. I don't want to go to arts advising though to do it because they made me cry last time. It means I will need to get a job next term but I can finish the stuff up at HK Inc. and then get a ncie relaxed job at a bookstore or something. It's a bit scary but I feel destroyed by this term.

Titania and I had a good walk last night. We bundled up because of the cold and walked. We paused at some swings for a bit and then toured the 24-hour grocery store nearby. I felt so sick and still kind of do this morning. Not nearly as bad though. We were nice and tired when we got home though and I was asleep by 3:30.

I blabbered about CRB more and I think the most important thing that came out of it is that I think I get so nervous because I don't know what it really going on. I mean we're just friends and are getting to know each other for the first time in many ways. However, there's this physically energy between us that's so much more developed. It's not a sexual chemistry at all though. I don't know what it is and for me that makes it very hard to deal with.

Like I wanted to hold his hand yesterday while we were walking. That would be inappropriate for where we are as friends though and I certainly didn't want him to kiss me when we parted. So what is that desire/need to have him touch me and feel warm and cuddled by him. I'm sure that it's familiarity and comfort but is that fair of me to him? This si what I am struggling with currently I think.

But as usual I've got to start doing something which means writing papers and putting some food in my body. I don't expect to hear from him about tomorrow night until tomorrow but if anything major hits me it'll end up here.

No Movement

I had a long, bubbly, fragrant bath. Now I'm watching an episode of Nip/Tuck where things are going crazycrazy in such a good way. I still feel sick at the thought of eating. Titania called from work and is starving so she's going to order pizza when she leaves work so it'll be here soon after she's home. I might eat it but I don't think so. It should be a good breakfast though.

She wanted to know how coffee went but I couldn't really say anything. I was just repeating about how shocked I was and how great it went and how surprisingly wonderful he was.

(I think I will drop a third course but need to check how it'll affect my funding and one of my courses for next term before I decide for sure.)

I was thinking about whether I had written about something that's always meant a lot to me when it comes to CRB. So I was searching my archives and I cam across a very touching post about him where I only vaguely referred to the something.

Basically when you end a hug with someone you both part cleanly, with no additional touch. But then there's the hug where you linger. Like you don't want to let go but you have to. your hands touch and then just your fingers as you both turn away. There's more lingering becasue maintaing that touch is crucial to the moment. CRB and I have always hugged like that. From the first feelings of like at 13 years old to today when I left him at his work. With the Artist I only felt that for a short period when we started having sex.

But I felt it today. I felt him put his arm around my shoulders when I had to repeat my Mocha order a third time to the girl on the cash (white chocolate mocha with soy, no whip and a shot of vanilla) and tell me things were ok. When he went to get our finished drinks he rubbed my shoulder, bare because of the neckline of my shirt, told me he'd be right back. His hand was warm.

When he called me on my fidgeting and nervousness he told me that old habits die hard. I apologized and he said that it was ok. I wasn't too sure what was going on there. He told me he wasn't sure if I was going to call and was kind of surprised when I did. He said that it had just been so long and the same stuff I said. When he was talking about his mom I wanted to reach across the table and touch his hand.

There's a lot of emotion but none of it is exciting or crush-like. It's different. It's tender. It's safe. It's complicated. It's unexplored. It's deep. I don't really know what that is either. It makes me want to bury my head into his neck and close my eyes. When we hug it's like there should be kissing involved but there's no need for it.

(when Titania comes home I will end this whether it's really done or not. I don't think it will ever been done somehow.)

Added at 1:18 am: It's not over. I just watched a very serious, emotional, powerful, unique movie called "Mysterious Ways". Really disturbing content but oh so good. I feel very sick. I feel vacant. I feel sick. Maybe a food combined with nerves and thoughts kind of thing. Titania and I are going for a walk.

Relief

Coffee today was awesome. We talked and talked and shared and laughed. I walked with him to work so he wouldn't be late. We're going out on Monday night. I just feel almost shocked by it all. I seriously think I know more real information about him because of an hour and a half today than I ever did in the how-many-ever years we've known each other. I almost don't even know what to say about it all.

I mentioned what Red told me about him blaming her for us never having a real relationship and he acknowledged he said that and really meant it. He told me about his mom, spoke with passion about his job, made me feel at ease with words and touch.

(I'm watching a program of cool opera-based short films. I like it.)

I was nervous. My heart was racing. I felt like it was a blind date - I didn't know if I'd recognize him or what he looked like now or anything. I did recognize him though. He could tell I was nervous and called me on it because I was looking around a lot and fiddling with the mocha cup and my hair. But I felt good in the end. I realize this is all very vague but I think the only thing of import is that it was so good. He was so good.

After I left him at his work I called Chatton. She was shocked that I had seen him and said I shouldn't have been at coffee with him. I said it should have been IceHockey but that I would still go out with him as soon as exams are over if he doesn't come to our christmas party (where CRB is not invited). CRB and I are just re-becoming friends whereas I'm interested in IceHockey for dating so that is still totally being persued. I think I'd much rater date him than CRB anyways. Way more my "type" and way less complicated history.

Chatton said she'd just love to see me get laid though. I agreed despite my medication-induced lack of want. I know if the chance was presented to me it wouldn't be turned down. Also, my massage last night ended up turning into a wanking session while Oceans 11 was paused. Good sign really.

(I love opera.)

CRB and I also made future plans to watch films at my house so he could see my pictures. That will likely be after exams are over though.

In other news I have no appetite. I had a super good breakfast this morning but can't even think of eating now without feeling gross. I hope it passes. I also MUST as usual write some papers tonight but I'm going to have a bath first. Then I will set up a tea/gingersnap/music/christmas-light study haven. I really hope this positive energy lasts. I'm considering dropping another one of my year long requirement courses but I don't know if the one less paper and exam will really make a difference. I have tomorrow to decide.

Butterflies

After some stress I had a very nice conversation with CRB tonight. We are going for coffee tomorrow afternoon and the next week we will go to see Saw 2 which I really want to see. SO much of what he said made me smile and relax and feel like this isn't going to be a giant mistake.

I am still excited about IceHockey though. I'm going to go watch Oceans 11 while indulging in some self-aromatherapy-massage and drifting to sleep. Wish me luck!

Loser

I texted CRB when I was downtown today at the art gallery with Chatton. I didn't hear back by the time I was ready to go so I'm home now. I got a grant from UBC for fall and now I want to buy a new, cute and better camera so we went at looked at the camera.

I am going to eat (for the first time today; my appetite is shit these days) and then start writing my easiest paper that is 2500 words and no real research required. I hope to finish it before sleeping. I might take a break to do some research for my fourth paper which is the only one I haven't started at all. It's due last though.

I am feeling good today. I looked cute and was happy. I think I may have forgot to take my anti-depressant this morning. ah well. too late now and I really don't want to take an extra if I did take it this morning. I do, I feel ok today. I had some hard moments in a store with reference to my dad but I don't really want to talk about it later. That's why I ended up texting CRB I think.

Deep Breaths

I'm still in bed. So lazy. It was another night of crazy dreams. There were tons of separate things and they are all beyond interpretation so much I'm not even going to go over them here.

I am disapointed I haven't heard from CRB. I had really gotten to a place where I wanted to get to really know him as a person indepeandant of everything that happened all those years ago but now I'm thinking he want to talk to me was just light and passing and, as usual, he was not worth so much thought from me. I am disappointed if this is all true.

Is it bad if I contact him? I feel that way because he knows I want to see him and if he wants he can get ahold of me. My hesitation on that is that maybe he still thinks I'm nervous and is leaving it up to me. I hope not. But I am going downtown to the art gallery tomorrow so I might call him while I'm down there. We'll see.

I've got to go get up and do some things like write papers! If it goes poorly and I end up crying you'll know about it. You'll know about ti no matter how it goes really.

One or another

1. I cried in therapy again this week and my next apointment is for Tuesday.

2. I did a tons of research for the third paper of the four I have to do.

3. I need to actually write the papers though.

4. I might change my schedule for next term around.

5. Still no word from CRB and I will not contact him.

6. I really want him to call me so we can see each other.

7. Some excitement about IceHockey not being a lost cause has distracted me.

8. I am willing to consider the possibility of dating CRB if that's what happens.

9. I am willing to not think about him if that's what happens.

10. I can't wait to have school stuff done.

Getting somewhere

Well I am more relaxed about hearing from CRB. I put it out therGetting tirede that I do want to see him so when he calls we'll make plans. I have had no need to talk to him today. I'd still like to but I'm not feeling so stressed about it. Over the weekend would be nice if he's got some time becasue I will feel a bit lighter from exams and I always feel more relaxed on weekends.

I didn't go to group today. Instead Titania and I went for breakfast (Eggs Florentine, hashbrowns and Tea) then bought some stuff we needed for the christmas party. We also sent out a round of invites but there's still some more to do. It's getting every exciting and really coming together.

I'm going to try to do a paper tonight becasue I am ready to do two of the four and I know even though I don't want to do them I will feel way better once they are done. There's good tv on tonight though so I will do some of that too while crafting. I really just want school done so I can craft all day everyday and not feel like I should be doing something else.

Third

CRB did get back to me and he is otherwise occupied. He asked what was up and I just went pathetic and said I was just wanting some company and that even though I wasn't sure before I now know I do want to see him so when he has some time to let me know.

I am bored. I want to sleep but I can't really. Titania should be home soon and I can talk to her a bit. I obviously am feeling strained. I must absolutely do one of my papers tomorrow before group. I must avoid thinking about CRB and focus on myself.

But I want to see him. I want him to hug me. Maybe I wanted to be this person he wanted and was lonely for. I want to sit with him and feel him and feel what's happening with me. At first I was nervous but now I'm not. I want to know where things are and how I feel with him. Who is he now? Is the chemistry still there? Are the "what if's" still there? Does he see it too? I just want it all out in the open where I can deal with it and move forward. I don't have time to sit and dwell.

Titania is home. There'll likely be more tomorrow. But If he were to call me now and ask to meet I would be ready to go in five short minutes.

A Slippery Slope

We my mom came over and I showed her a bunch of the stuff I've been making. It got me excited and happy. Then Midge called and let me know when she'd be arriving to see me before I head off the England. But then I layed down and now I fdeel sad and alone. blech.

Titania won't be home for two or three hours and I should not contact CRB.Hhe'll phone me when he has time and wants to see me. He could be at work or out doing something. I guess I wonder if maybe he doesn't think I want to see him. But then I was the one who called last and I wouldn't have if I didn't want to talk.

I hate how my mood is still so fickle. I am so at the whim of the world. A phrase, commercial or moment can shift my mood for no good reason. I will go to group tomorrow and I have councelling on Thursday. I also have tons of homework to do I don't want to do at all. ever.

crap it. I'm texting. I asked if he was busy tonight or tomorrow. You all will know as soon as I do. How can I feel excited and self-loathing at the same time? Well both of those but in minor ways. More like jittery and like a loser. ugh again.

(10 minutes later: no answer from CRB and I wish my favorite discussion board wasn't down for maintenance until tomorrow.)

Unknown feelings

CRB never texted last night. He was drinking though and I wouldn't have wanted to see him if he was drunk. I will strongly resist the urge to call or text him and see when he gets ahold of me. I have other things to worry about. I don't feel hurt or disappointed but confused a bit. Nothing new when it comes to him though. I would invite him over tonight if he does contact me. I want to see him now. I want to have him hug me and make me feel warm and loved and like everything is going to be ok.

This morning I woke up and was stressed and exhausted from more crazy dreams. I didn't want to get out of bed at all but I have a presentation to do in a lecture today so I had too. Te bus ride took me from rainy Vancouver to snowy UBC. There's was a good 4 inches out there. I almost cried on the bus. Everything about the world felt sad.

I am feeling much better now. My presentation went well and people cheered me up. I know that being around people will usually help meak me feel ok but it's hard sometimes. I still feel low today but somehow feel I can do things I'm not really sure I can. I don't think that makes any sense.

(added at 20:40: I really want CRB to phone. I feel like a loser. ugh.)

Possibly Visiting

After the texting of last night I called CRB tonight. He was at a Christmas function so we didn't talk for long. I told him what to watch for food wise because he was at one of my favorite restaurants, which is only a few blocks from me. He said when things were done he would text me and see if I wanted to talk then. I said it depended on my progess with homework but it doesn't. It depends on me.

Part of it is that I want to look really good when he first sees me. I'd love to be wearing cute clothes, handmade jewelery, great eye make-up, straightened hair. But today I have unbrushed hair, no make-up or jewelery and yoga pants on. I also have no desire to get dolled up at this time of night.

Titania and I took a walk earlier to buy some groceries for dinner. I wasn't that hungry at all though so half of my dinner is still on the stove. But we walked and it was nice. We got some new magazines and chatted and laughed. It was good. It was also really cold out so I felt all bundeled and cozy - mittens, two hoodies, legwarmers, scarf, the whole bit. It's supposed to snow a few centimeters overnight which is super exciting.

I'll update if I do see him without a doubt. Oh! My main reason for updating at this point is that he told me he had no motive to see me again. He just wants to be my friend. He sees us no longer talking as just kind of losing touch and wanted to be in touch. He repeated about not wanting me to feel uncomfortable and if I wasn't good seeing him yet that was fine. He is being so super polite and considerate. Why am I so suspicious of him? He's never done anything to make me not trust him. hmmm.

Incapable

I slept through another morning lectures. I totally suck. I must go on to capmpus soon though becasue I need to prepare for the presentation I'm doing tomorrow. I also need to return books and get some others for another paper.

I also texted CRB at midnight. Both Titania and I were in bed but talking anyways as neither of us were tired. We said a few things about sleeping but then he asked to call and I said no because it would wake Titania. I said we would talk soon because I had things to ask him. He said I could go ahead now. Then I asked the "why now?" question but said he could answer it another day. I don't know if I wanted the answer last night even though I'm sure it's something small like wanting to know how I am. I can't imagine it being any great confession. Well I can and have but without anything to back it up.

Somehow I am feeling more settled about it this morning. Maybe that's just because I'm hardly awake and wish I could stay sleeping a few more hours. My back and neck are really really stiff. I'm going to go shower and if that helps.

Things to ask/say

1. I don't know what I'm doing. At all.

2. Why now after so many years?

3. What are your expectations?

4. I want to see you.

5. I want to really know you.

6. Have you really grown up?

7. Can you see me as I am now?

8. Do we have anything in common?

9. If something hasn't happened by now should it?

10. You've never been dishonest but I don't know I can trust you.

(added at 17:49)
11. How do you feel when you think of me?

12. Do you think of me?

to be continued...

(added at 18:33: I need to not think about this so much and relax.)

Perfectly wasted

Well I just got out of the shower after watching a film from ded and sleeping in a lot. Titania went out for breakfast but is back sleeping in her bed. I haven't eaten yet and realized my appetite is fairly non existant. I'm sure that's due partly to stress, partly to not wanting to cook and partly to having very little food in the house.

Last night I had an orgasm. It was slow but put me right to sleep. Made me feel half normal again too. That said, this morning I don't feel like my sex drive has returned or anything.

I've been thinking about CRB of course. As I was watching the film i was wondering if he would have watched it with me and been genuinely interested. I don't know and I'd say the person he was 4 years ago would not have enjoyed it at all. I want to talk to him and I want to see him but I'm not going to until school is done. Well I might talk to him again but only if he calls me. And that's not some sort of testing of his interest it's just mee needing to focus on getting school done so I can relax for a bit.

As side but related note, both IceHockey and Red are getting invites to the Christmas party but CRB is not. That would put me on edge way too much. I think when I first see him it will be just us but in public - coffee, cinema, or something similar. I'm obviously thinking about this too much. Nothing new when it comes to him though.

But I have to put it aside (if all the while hoping he'll call me just to say hello) so I can do school work. I have tons to do today and the day is certainly almost half over. I might not even bother getting dressed. I wonder if there's any cheese made-for-tv Chirstmas films on tonight like last week. Could be great distracting drivel for a few hours.

Smiling

Well I feel ok that I phoned him. Midge said I should know what I want but I don't. Chatton thinks he's probably just lonely and remembers me as someone he was happy with. I don't think I'll see him until after school is done and maybe not until after I get back from England.

But to add to it all somehow I had kind of let go of seeing IceHockey again. We had both been busy and not talking - no big deal though. However, Chatton and I were walking to catch the bus today and I heard my name being shouted. I turned around and IceHockey was calling me from out of a car window. We said hello and how are you. Then we both kind said we should call each other and go out. Chatton was totally confused about who it was so I explained. I'm definately still interested in his friendship if we do end up having one.

But back to what I want in reference to CRB. In a way I've never really known what I've wanted from him. Chatton asked if I'd be comfortable with just taking the comfort and sweet treatment and maybe some gifts and just leaving it at that. I honestly don't think I would. First I just hate people buying me stuff unless it's a friendship where we know it'll all even out - like with Titania or Chatton. But if he wanted more I couldn't lead him on in any way.

Would I want more though? I really don't know. We've never really been friends at a time where we could really date. When we were younger Red was my best friend and was very jealous of my friendship with CRB and the one time we almost went out she stopped talking to both of us. Then, when we were next close he was dating someone. He said to me at that time that he wished we had actually gotten together. Plus I always felt like he was going to kiss me so I avoided eye contact becasue he was coupled and I didn't want to be the other girl at all.

But now neither of those things are in the way. But that doesn't matter if I'm not attracted and stimulated by him. I wasn't really before. He just was so nice to me and I always felt cared for with him. Like he'd do almost anything if I asked him to and would never intentionally do something to hurt me. That's not enough for a relationship though. FOr me I have to want him and I have to learn from him. I don't know if either of those things are possible.

I guess it comes down to what I am willing to want rather than what I do want. So much of it will depend on what he might want and what I see in him now. Four years after our last contact and after him discovering he needed to do something with his life and actually took action to do it.

Whatever comes of this I am happy I phoned. I felt nervous but supported and that he was really glad to hear from me. It did sound like he really wanted to see me but heard my hesitation and acknowledged it and said it was ok and he understood. I do think that when I do see him I will ask why he wanted to get back in touch with me now. I do admit that I do want to be hugged by him. and the "by him" part is part of the need. I sighed after writing that. It will bring complication into my life.

Oh, what I wanted to say also is that I can't see myself really dating him or kissing him. But I can't really see myslef doing that with anyone. That may be because I feel crazy most days and I don't feel like I could be positively involved with anyone. Plus my sex drive is so low I don't think I've had an orgasm in nearly a month or even given a passing desire to wank a second thought. Why be dating someone if I have no want for sex or any feeling like I could offer anything to another person.

One final admittance. I do want to have in call me this week as he suggested he would. I know I;'ll wonder if it's him whenever my phone rings. I know I'll hesitate answering when I see his name on the call display. I know that I will still want him to hug me if I do turn down seeing him this week. sigh again.

I phoned

1. He sounded the same.

2. He could tell I was nervous.

4. He called me darling and honey.

5. He used the word love in reference to me.

6. He seemed genuinely happy to hear from me.

7. He invited me to Lunch next week. I said I wasn't sure yet.

8. He talked to me openly.

9. He was so sweet.

10. He wants to see me but is ok if I don't want to.

Craziness

Titania and I decorated the house today. We still have some new ornaments to make and three strings of lights to put up but the house is looking super Christmas-y. It's fun. Chatton is coming over after work and we are going out for a bit. Tonight I am just hanging out in again. I really should get some work done or I'm going to feel super ovverwhelmed next week. I also have to meet with a riend to discuss a presentation we're doing on Tuesday.

But the real thing I'm posting for is to say that I think I'm going to call CRB. I'm going to eat and bath first but I think I want to. I may be making a huge mistake but I want to at least know why he wants to hear from me and I think the fact that his mom died is really an influencing factor. The fact that I'm starved for a good hug is also quite influencing. However, just because we talk doesn't mean we'll see each other. It also doesn't mean we'll talk again.

I'd really like to call and get voicemail. That way I can leave it up to him. He was the one who last didn't phone so why should I bridge the gap now? That sounds pretty childish especially when he doesn't have my number and by telling Red to give me his was kind of that reaching out.

Also, I feel like some ground rules need to be set. No mind games, no possesiveness, no being oversensitive and not listening, no lying to girlfriends about talking to me. I think part of the problem is he's sweet and charming, but, as I said to classclown many months ago, that comes across as potentially insincere to me.

Air is playing and it's oddly suitable for this moment. Is the fact that I'm hesitating a sign I should not call? Is the fact that whenever my phone rings I'm slightly disappointed it's not an unknown number a sign I should? I kind of feel like if I heard his voice I might need to hang up. HIs motives, which I don't know at all, seem unsettling. Everything to do with him is really confusing for me.

I'm going to go bath and listen to Christmas carols. If anyone things I crazy for eith wanting to call or not calling I'd be appreciative of some feedback.

Action of sorts

Today I went to lunch with an old friend (Red I think I named her in the past). We were best friends for a few years but we separated. I hadn't seen her in over a year and hadn't actually spent quality time with her in several years. She is the one who is all tangled up with CRB and me.

Anyway, Lunch was awesome. We talked tons, caught up with our lives tons. We then went to an art supply shop and bought cool paper. We'll meet before christmas when we're both done school and I'm going to show her how to bind books. It'll be fun. The day really made me realize why were were such good friend some 10 years ago.

But of course in all our talking CRB came up. Basically he wants to see me and has told her to give me his number so we can get in touch. He also told Red he blames her for nothing every actually happening between us as we could have been great together. I don't blame Red but I know she had a role. I mean we came together without her involved a few years ago but he fucked that up by being stubborn and with a girlfriend who didn't want him to see me. I know he regretted that nothing happened between us.

Now I have his number in my purse. I wish I had an email. I am very scared to use the number. I don't need any more craziness in my life. Last night I was thinking about him though. How I wish I could just run into him and have him hold me for a bit and sit with me. But it's more the action than the person. He's also someone I think I know would drop everything and come to comfort me. In part I'm scared to have that confirmed but I'm also scared to have it become untrue. Red says it is absolutely true.

There's reasons why I would love to talk to him but others why I think it will only (as perviously) end in disaster. Red says he has grown up but is still himself and she understands my reservations and will understand if I don't call him. Also, his mother died within the last year.

His mom used to call my house when he would disappear even though I had never met her. She was always drunk but wanted to know where he was. I never knew (I never really knew anything about him and his life at all.) but she would want to talk to me. One day she suggested that we get married. That it would be so good for him. I was 14.

So I'm not sure what to do if anything. I will admit I would really like to on some levels.

Edited around 19:00 to add some questions in my head:
1. Am I fooling myself in thinking we can have a normal friendship?
2. What are his motives for wanting to see me?
3. Is he single?
4. Would I only be adding chaos to my life?
5. Does he even want just a friendship?
6. Can I trust him to be honest and open with me?
7. Will I be able to be honest with myself?
8. Do I even know what my expectations are?
9. Is it fair if I only want someone to comfort me?
10. Will I understand my own reactions to him?

As per usual

1. I went to therapy today and cried.

2. I am having dreams that upset and agitate me.

3. I feel exhausted - physically and emotionally.

4. I don't know how to tell if I've greived yet.

5. I don't want to do anything but sit.

6. I have to go do research.

7. I don't know so many things.

8. I feel separated from things.

9. I want to eat comfort food.

10. I don't want to go to my lecture tonight at all and might leave half way through. If I even make it that far.

11. I just want to sit and cry. Or lie in a fetal position and cry.

12. I feel anxiety in my arms and my chest and my legs and my heart.

13. I didn't mean for this to be so long or so miserable.

14. I don't want to come home on the 8th. I will though.

I want a hippopotamus for Christmas

1. Only 7 lectures left.

2. Christmas crafting is at full speed.

3. I am actually working on papers.

4. My dreams are vivid and crazy.

5. I am so excited for my trip.

6. The X-mas party planning and decorating is officially underway.

7. I really want mince pies.

Sources

Another weekend is more than half over. I spent another evening in making christmas gifts instead of out at Blondie's housewarming. I just don't feel like being out and meeting people and not being able to drink. I don't feel like I have anything to offer right now. The only things that get me excited are crafts and my trip. Unless you're Lily or into crafts this makes me a boring person to be around.

But I feel ok with myself. I start regular councelling with UBC on Thursday and have my next check in with my doctor in about a month. I haven't been to a group session in two weeks and can't go again this week but I feel like I should go. I should have gone this week and not let my laziness get the best of me. I also didn't go running at all this week but will go tomorrow for sure.

The foggy dreams are continuing. Also, I have brief moments where sex and boys seem interesting but they pass as soon as I can even consider doing anything about them. In a way that makes me feel less normal, less interesting and less functional. I don't know if any of that makes any sense to anyone other than myself.

A final note is that I still have to call Heavy of HK inc. He emailed me to call him two weeks ago but I've been putting it off becasue I just don't know how to explain that I simply called follow through with the agreement we made. I don't feel like I have the right to do that.

oh, and Lily's family is really excited to have me there and it makes me feel loved so much.

Making Lists

I am doing fairly well. I had a good doctors appointment on Thursday evening after a good and often amusing seminar after a good and accomodating talk with my instructor. Today cramps had me feeling like a gros swollen and bloated mess so I stayed home from school and group counciling. I did however do some cleaning, some trip planing, some christmas gift crafting and even some school work. I am quite happy with myself

I have a bunch of supplies to buy tomorrow before heading to school to do a bunch of research before my night lecture. Friday I have some things to do for a craft fair Chatton and I are doing on Saturday. Sunday is a home work and craft day. I'll do like 1.5 hours of each and then switch or something.

So it's good. I am super exciited about my trip and feeling moderately motivated about school which is a huge improvement from even last week. I feel a bit discouraged that I've completely dismissed hanging out with IceHockey but he's been very busy and I just don't feel like it would be fair for the other person to be around me when my mood is so up and down.

Titania and I really have to start seriously planning our Christmas party or there's going to be no time for it. Also, I am having tons of dreams at night but not really remembering them. Their subjects vary widely though and are pretty disconnected from things. I forget them so soon after waking I don't even have a chance to process them so I can write them out.

weebles wobble

I was feeling good this morning. Got up with lots of time to get ready to leave for lit. My mom called wanting me to buy coldplay tickets for her because she can't during work. She also talked to me about the trip and said ok. I didn't say I already had bought my hairfar but that it was reserved and I'd go do it today.

But then, after lit, I went to see an advisor and he made me cry. He was telling me different things than the last guy and treated me like I was wasting my time. It sucked.

Now I've got to do some art stuff before meeting Titania and heading out to Merotown for a bit. I'm not sure why she wants to go but she wants me to come. Christmas present shopping and creating is well underway.

I need a weeble to symbolically remind me that I wobble but I don't fall down - for too long at least.

Flight

I bought my airfare. The official dates are December 27th to January 8th. I feel very happy about it. I'm going to just spend time relaxing and visting a few people, mostly Lily though. I'll spend my last day in London visting museums and feeling inspired. Just four days in Nottingham. The rest is with Lily's family.

I feel good. I'll feel like I'll get some closure with that country so I can kind of move forward without feeling like I missed something at that time. I also think it'll be a nice change of scene. I feel really good about my decision. I'm already thinking which of my 10 or so eyeshadows, or which clothes I'm going to pack. I also kind of hope I'll be off my sleeping pills so I can drink but it's unlikely.

I may have to just drink with extreme caution. At least I'll be less likely to drink and get irritated by retarded dj's and slutty girls. I can't wait for socialble hour either. Well I can but I'm excited for it.

I feel good. I feel like there's something to look forward to that's in the near future. .

Films

I had a decent day.
1. Today I went to the art gallery and decided I don't really like Picasso paintings.
2. I bought hand dyed and spun woll but I'm not sure if it'll make a decent size scarf.
3. I told my mom I'd be dropping two classes and she was unsympathetic and cold.

I had my iPod with me and three songs were perfect. The song links to the lyrics and the artist links to their site. You might need to scroll down for some of the lyrics.
1. Cat Power - Good Woman
2. Maria Taylor - Two of those too
3. Great Lake Swimmers - Moving Pictures (Silent Films)

I put a flight on hold. $850.00 including taxes. It can only be held until Saturday but my mom won't talk to me about it until Monday as she's going out of town.
1. Do I wait to talk to my mom and hope it's still available (there was only two seats left at that price)?
2. Do I go ahead and book?
3. Do I not go becasue it won't help me feel better, is only escaping, and is a waste of money?

Please comment much more than usual about the last section. I need the input.

My Week Off

I cried today at therapy. I have a new strategy to work on this weekend to try to help me get some work done. I've come to the conclusion that even if I could normally get all this school stuff done and technically I should be able to, now, under these conditions, I can't. It's hard to admit to that because in my world I can always do everything when it comes down to it.

That said I think I might drop my egypt class and my classical art lecture. I have a good midterm grade in Egypt but a paper that's three weeks late. I failed my art lecture and haven't even started that paper that's due in one week. I could do the work in theory but not if I need to cathc up in the other classes I have good midterm results in and am not yet behind in and stiil have papers due for them. I have to talk to profs and advisors next week.

This means I will for sure have to do some school over summer and next fall (and even likely next spring unfortunately) but I just can't do it now. It also means I'll only be in three lectures next term plus one distance course. It keeps me full time funding wise but gives me more time to sort through things.

Tonight I did major clean up on both the computers so they actually have some free space again and not tons of duplicate music files. Miranda also called and we talked a bit. We're going for brunch on Friday and planning on over-priced but worth it massages and eucalyptus steams in early December. I'm also still considering going to England over the holidays but need to seriously price airfares and talk to Lily to see if it'll even work that time of year.

Tiny Update

I'm sorry I haven't been posting. I have nothing new and it is all the same and I feel like a broken record saying it. I also don't want to get into it and end up in tears.

I had a dream a few nitghts ago where I was going to school in some forgein country but I was still comparing it to England. Last night I had a dream where I found airfare to England for only $500.00.

I haven't been to school since last Thursday. I'm going to go tomorrow. I also have a therapy appointment. Last night I felt unfulfilled. Today I feel conflicted. I know I should go to schol but I just don't.

Control of something

1. Yesterday I had a councelling appointment at UBC. Afterwards I texted Titania the following. "I don't know how I can be so in control of feeling so retarded."

2. I had dinner with my mom and sister on Wednesday where I ended up crying at the restaurant and for the second time that day.

3. Earlier on Wednesday I got my art midterm back and I failed it. That's when I cried at the restaurant Titania and I were at for Lunch.

4. My mom agrees with all the investment plans I made with my sister and the investment planner. That is good.

5. My mom cried at dinner too. However, she wasn't supportive in the way I wanted about my school issues, but she did react in the way I expected but a tinier bit milder which is good overall.

6. I'm thinking about going to England over Christmas for a few days. It'll really depend on airfares and where I'd stay, and then if it maes any sense in general to do it.

7. Despite not studying until yesterday morning I feel great about how I did on my Visual Culture exam last night and it gave me a big energy boost that I really needed.

8. Falling asleep has gotten harder in the last two weeks but once I'm asleep I am good and I feel rested after a normal 8 hours. I did need to take ativan two nights ago to get me asleep.

9. There's some things ok and some things not. I'm still feeling very overwhelmed and worried about school but I feel less disconnected.

10. My mom suggested that if I'm not good for school right now I just let it go for a bit and work until I can collect myself. That was so upsetting and terrifying. I don't want to work. I want to be doing school. I could not imagine doing anything else than doing what I need for my MA. I have no alternative plan at all. That's all both scary and reassuring.

Tumbling

I was just talking (via MSN of course) to Lily and she told me Scotsman is in the hospital. He's in Glasgow so she's not sure what's going on but it's to do with his chrons. Lily is not doing well. It has to do with him (she still loves him but they are not together and he is dating someone else) but also just her. She is not happy and kind of in the same place I am. She suggested we move to Italy and become street mimes.

I didn't go to my lectures today. I feel like each day I am unravelling more. My sleep isn't so great anymore (I slept 13 hours today) and now I have two overdue papers and I haven't even started to work on studying for my Midterm on Thursday. I do have more energy in genereal and I have been exercising and working on getting therapy. But I am so disconnected and unmotivated. I feel like all I need is to finish this degree and move on but I just can't get myself to do the work involved in it.

I looked for airfares to go to England in December. Because I only have this little tiny window of time in between exams ending and Christmas it would only be for a week and $1000.00 at least for airfare. But it's all I want.

Last night was more dreaming about England and Vancouver and being in between them. I know life won't be perfect and easy there but I feel so out of step here. Downtown used to make me feel so intensely content with the world. I could go down there on a bad day at work and I'd feel better. But now, I feel awkward.

I don't want Scotsman to be sick. I want him to be fine and at home and healthy. I'm totally fucking up my own life. The last 5 months have been a blur. I don't know what I'm doing or why it's so hard to just write some silly papers and sit and take notes at every lecture. This post did not mean to go this way. I hate this. I know I'm doing it and only I have the power to end it but I don't and I hate that.

One more step

Last night I had a dream about going into work. I felt bad for dropping my responsibilities there and obligated to finihs things. But things had changed again and so I had to do thing I thought were done over. I was lost and confused and needing to cry.

I also had a dream about being in England. I was in a city I was unfammiliar with and had gone to have dinner with some people. Then I needed to get home by train but I didn't know exactly where the train station was just what bus I needed to take to get there. I didn't even know what time the train back to Nottingham was. But I felt comfortable on the bus. I recognized the train station symbol as we were driving so I knew where to get off. The station was super busy and I couldn't find the schedules. But I knew how the automatic machines worked and I felt fine. I even talked to people while in the queues about how busy it was.

This morning I went to the councelling office for the third time but again I was too late to get an appointment; all the appointments for first-time people are set that day, after the first appointment you can book in advance. But the woman recognized me and let me set an appointment for Thursday. That is good.

I also fell asleep again in my lit lecture. I just don't get it. I was asleep by 11:30 and woke up just after 7:30. That's 8 hours sleep. I shouldn't need to then fall asleep during lectures or on the bus on the way home.

I want to go see a film and have considered asking IceHockey but I'm not sure how. It feels like it would be out of place. Like I don't know if he likes going to the cinema or if he likes the type of film I want to see. We talked about meeting up for a music event but a film is different. hmmm.

Two steps back

So I actually spent some time working on my Egypt paper today. I only have 1 and a half more sources to read before writing. But it's two weeks late as of tomorrow and I have a another paper due on Tuesday and a midterm on Thursday. So I'm not too sure what to do.

I'll admit to feeling better on some fronts. I'm sleeping through the night and I feel more energized while I'm awake. On the other hand, I'm still feeling unmotivated, displaced, lonely and unsure of things. I constantly want to craft and takes baths. Nothing else.

I considered again dropping the Egypt lecture. So I checked my credits. There's this little note that says 3 of the 6 science cradits I have aren't valid towards the 6 science credits required to graduate. So no matter what I'm short. And it's irritating because even when I saw the advisor three weeks ago he confirmed that I had all my science credits. Plus I don't know yet how my credits from England are transferring so I can't see how many of my exact requirements I've actually fulfilled anyway.

Again I'm feeling discouraged. I'm not sure how to proceed or what my best course of action is. The confusion just makes me want to have a bath and go to bed early. I wish I could actually do the things I needed to on time and with confidence and excitement.

Falling Asleep

I can't fall alseep. I shouldn't have had a three hour nap today and then do a whole load of nothing after that. Tomorrow I must write my Egypt paper llike I have nothing else in the world to do. Chatton is coming over in the evening because we haven't seen each other in weeks so I'd like to have it done by then.

I keep thinking that it would help me if I were sharing my bed with someone. Just a warm bady to be near. I would b able to hear their relaxed breathing and mimic it to slow my own. Or to have them rub my stomach until I'm alseep. Or massage my neck to get me to relax a bit. I'd return the favour on nights they couldn't sleep for sure.

But above all my want to have someone around is to know that someone wants to be with me and to feel that sense of comfort. It's really all quite basic in terms of wants. I just don't really know how to go about getting it. I'm glad Titania and I are starting to workout together. My doctors think it's really important to keep my mood and energy stable but I think it will help me fell a little bit more confident even if I don't lose any weight. I hate admitting that might be a factor in my life not including a guy in so many ways.

But I am getting into something I don't have the energy or desire to get into.The basics are is I want someone to sleep with and I'm not always sure why I don't have that. Crap. I was doing so good sleeping early. I think I have to work a bit harder to keep at it.

Amazing

It's 9:30 am and I have already gotten home from a 25 minute run with Titania. She's getting ready to go to work now and I am just doing my web-routine before making some breakfast and doing some studying. Tommorrow is a Carmen Electra day.

Another great thing I did is some prelimenary work on the potential bibliographies for the three papers I have due over the next month. I only looked for books and I will hopefully get to looking for articles tomorrow.

I am really tired now though. I didn't sleep early last night. I'm having problems in the way that I feel physically aroused but my mind can't get into it long enough to get me off. So I go look for some aid online but nothing helps. Nothing I usually like, nothing new either. I don't quite know what to think about it.

A Decent Day

I didn't go to lectures but I did go out and go shopping. I got new yoga pants, a bunch of tanks, a yellow sweater and some underwear (below). I need bras but I couldn't find any I like and that fit. The one I was wearing today was silly though as it doesn't even fit at all. I'll need new ones for sure soon.

I've got lots to do this weekend and I've already done some of it. So far it's going well.

Take me

Today:
I didn't go to my Egypt lecture. Instead I slept until just after 9:00 and went for a morning run with Titania. We only ran a bit and walked the resst but it feels good. I am going to have her take some pictures of my back and then I am going to work on my Egypt paper. Then I will go to my lectures this evening.

Yesterday:
I met Titania for brunch which was awesome. Then we walked to where the greif place was but were really early. So we went to Pier 1 (both of our maiden visits) and discussed the awesome Christmas party we're going to have. Then we went to Future Shop and wandered around looking for cheap DVD'd. We settled on Carmen Electra's Striptease workout. We got the first of 5 DVD's. After our councilling thing, which went really well and I will continue to go to, we went home exhausted.

After some cleaning and stuff we decided to do the Striptease workout. It was so much fun. We mastered the warm-up workout and got pretty good at the first workout. We danced for over an hour. We ate dinner and throughly enjoyed the evening of TV.

Tomorrow:
I'm going to go to class and then go buy some new pants and maybe a coat. I must do laundry also and do some oneline bibliography building and finish the Egypt paper. Both these things will continue over the weekend.

From School

All in time

Today I feel awake and like I actually have some decent, real energy in me. I'm still lacking some motivation and I am going to be in bedd by around 10:30 but in general I am feeling much better.

Tomorrow I'm going to a group meeting for dealing with loss and greif with Titania. I'm not too sure what to expect but I'm hoping it will be a good thing for me to do a few times a month. Schedule wise it works really good for me and it's by donation which is way more affordable than my current therapist. We'll be hitting the Art gellery afterwards so I can get a head start on a paper due during finals based on the work of my choice there and to distract ourselves probably.

In terms of school I survived my two midterms on Monday - one much better than the other. I sucked on my art exam to the point I felt like I was going to throw up while walking to my lit midterm and wanted to take an ativan so bad but knew my alertness wouldn't be good enough if I did. On the upside the Lit exam went realy really well I think. I have my Egypt aper still to write for Thursday and then I have a paper and a Midterm for next week.

Titania warned me that the anti-depressant I'm on gave her crazy dreams when she was on it a few years ago. Last night I had some weird dreams. And the night before too. I only have tidbits so here's a list of key things.
-CRB (one of the boys in my cast of characters), dinner and the Lovre in Paris
-Getting a make over butneeding to tweeze my eyebrows
-Seeing paintings with doves, blood, spears, dogs and hippos
-Titania moving and leaving only toothpaste

oday I bought some groceries and way more chocolate than I'd usually get. I've been completely craving sweet things which is silly becasue I drink a Mocha nearly every morning. At least on mornings where I'm at school for a while after class or earlier enough in the morning. They put a Starbucks in the sub now too so I get get the good Mochas.

Last thing, I'm making friends at school. It's kind of nice. A few of us our going to Lunch and to shop for yarn and then go to the Art GAllery together to work on our papers more. It'll be good. But for now I've got to paper write and do lots of reading. My want for sex seems to be making a very slow return as well. I have some fantasy issues/problems right now but I'll talk about that another day.

Sunday Calm

Well I had a great breakfast and shopping jaunt with Titania today. Breakfast was actually with a bunch of others which was good. It was in a neighbourhood we don't usually hang out in so it was good.

Since we got home at nearly 4:00 this afternoon I have done very little of the studying I should be doing. I'm pretty fucking hopeless when it comes down to it. Nothing new though really. Still it's not good at all. I really do have to buckle down and do stuff though. I wish it (studying) came more naturally to me. I need to be more than good when I get assessed and that means I have to put in a bit of work. I could maintain a B average with just attending lectures and doing last minute papers but I need an A average. That means just a little more work.

My energy is a bit better. I still get tired quickly but I do have a few hours each day where I feel rested. It's hard to decide between studying and sleeping. Really hard. Also my neck and right arm is really sore. I feel it in my shoulder and along my whole arm - joints and muscles. I'd love a massage.

But I am going to go study. Even if it's only for an hour or so and barely cuts through the surface. By 11:00 tomorrow all I'll have due for this week is the silly Egypt paper. Next week is one paper and one Midterm. I might ask for a one week extension on the paper though.

Following Up

1. I can hand my Egypt paper in on Tuesday or Wednesday no problem. Now I must work on it.

2. I didn't go to lectures today because the bus I'd take was barely working due to the job action this morning.

3. Next week I have the paper due and two midterms.

4. The week after I have the last of my midterms and a paper due.

5. My cat and I are having a nice chill day. I just got out of a bath that was over an hour long.

6. Last night I had a dream about breasts. And friends. It didn't end in sex.

7. I realized that I am completely lacking any emotional want for sex and all my physical want is just about stress.

8. Today I feel rested for the first time in weeks. Being in bed by 10:30 and sleeping by 11:30 seems to be working.

9. I haven't actually done any work or cleaning yet today. I promised Titania I'd do some cleaning.

10. I know the core of my sadness is nothing that can be slept away or medicated away. That's a bit intimidating.

A slow Crash

I don't even know what to say here. I think I've gotten worse. I just feel like I'm completely falling and I'm never going to catch up with things. I have no clarity and can't think of a time since I've been home that I have had any at all. I'm probably dropped like 10 points on the stupid depression index in the last two weeks. My body wants 10 hours of sleep a day and I feel incapable of doing anything even though I desperately need to. In these moments I would phone my Dad. When I'm at school and in tears I'd phone him and I can't. Its not just a time or long distance issue - or maybe it's just a really extreme version of one.

But either way I don't know what to do. I have completely lost something. I don't feel at home but I don't know where home is. I want to be able to write what I want to do but I don't know. I have no idea what will make this all better. I'd like to just quit but there goes my MA. I got a B+ on my Egypt midterm and feel like I might as well have failed. I also don't know if he's going to let me hand in my paper next week. And I don't know if I can drop it becasue I think I need the credits to grad.

This is the stupidest thing ever. That's all I can feel about it.

Edit about an hour later: I've talked to Lily online. I feel a bit ok. I still have no idea what to do about my egypt lecture but I feel like I've got some people that love me. It's good to have it said outright. I also still don't know what to do but without any ativan with me I can't panic. I have nowhere safe here and I have to go to my lecture tonight.

Naming names

I saw an advisor today and some concessions are being made so I can hand my paper in late and have some consideration given should I suck on my art midterm next week because I've been missing so many lectures. I feel a bit less stressed about it but still distressed. I also found access to some free councilling on campus. So that along with the greif group should be good.

Last night I freaked out though. I took 2 sedatives ontop of my sleeping pill becasue I was crying so much and it hurt to breathe. I sleep so deeply I slept through my alarm and it took Titania getting sick of hearing it and getting up for me to wake up. I still spent the day yawning and tired though.

But the male friend of midges is getting a name. That name will be "IceHockey". I talked to him online tonight and said I made him 2 CD's as we discussed I would on Friday so he said we should try to meet up on the weekend and spend some time in Zulu or something. I'm reserving excitement except that it means I will be buying the new Broken Social Scene album or a new album at least.

A blip of excitement

This morning there was a film being shot on campus. big crows of extras and tents and trailors all centered around the two libraries and main arts lecture hals. It was busy and crowded and all the more unpleasant due to the rain. Plus extra crowds were gathering because Al Pacino and some guy from the OC star in the film. I was just irritated that all the stuff kept me from being able to get a mocha between my lectures and not be late.

I also had to use the slide library for the first time and it was quite fun. It was a bit weird to figure out how it was organized but once I sorted it out it was neat. I'm glad I get to use it at least once more over the course of this term.

I'm feeling a bit sick right now but I have tons of work to do for tomorrow. I'll feel better around 5:00 tomorrow though. For a day or so at least. Then there's two more midterms. Then a paper and a fourth midterm. That's it though until the end of term so that is something to be thankful about.

Paper Stress

Well I have a bibliography done. That's it. I haven't even read all my sources no matter started the essay. And instead of working on it all I want to do is go to bed. I have no idea what I'm going to do with myself. This is not the way I should be approaching my school work at all. A big sigh is all I can manage about it all. I am going to go to bed as soon as I am done this.

Otherwise I had a nice relaxing day. Titania, her sister and brother, plus Midge and a friend of hers were all around and we just relaxed and read and chatted and watxched TV. It was nice and slow. Midge found out her ticket isn't valid tomorrow so isn't leaving until tomorrow night.

Maybe if I get lots of sleep tonight I'll be able to stay up real late tomorrow to finihs the paper off. Also Monday night TV sucks so I'll have no excuses to not do my work. Not even bad ones. God can I be so fucking lazy. ugh.

Sleepy

Another morning of sleeping in and having a very long shower/bath. Last night I ended up just going to a nearby restauraunt with my old friend. We caught up a bit and looked at my Europe pictures. It was nice. I got home a bit after midnight and headed straight to bed. Once Midge joined me though sleeping was put on hold in favour of hysterical laughing recarding pie and other pussy related jokes. We were so entertained that we emailed the highlights to Blondie. We fell alseep soon after both noting how much it will suck to go back to sleeping alone.

Today I must finish researching for my paper and do some work for the presentation I'm doing on Tuesday. I should also be starting to actually write my paper too. It's technically due Monday but my instructor said we can give it to him Tuesday morning if we want to. Sunday TV sucks. I may opt to watch a film and nap. I so shouldn't though.

I'm feeling isolated today. Half unreasonable and half self-inflicted. and half a bunch of other things really. The next week of school feels like it's going to be a nightmare. Midge is leaving today. I have crafts to do. I guess it's not really that bad but it feels that way. I must go, the cat wants outside.

Resting

1. The show was good. BSP are nutty and The Killers have energy but didn't stray from the album versions of songs at all. Worth going to without question though.

2. Went for dinner with a bunch of people last night (Midge, Farmer, Eastern, Blondie and Stevie were there) and it was cool. Awesome desert and a good salad. I also met a friend of Blondie's who was cool, a friend of Stevies who was also cool though I talked to her a bit less, and a boy who Farmer is seeing and I didn't really talk to him at all but he seemed nice. I also spent more time talking to the un-named friend of Midge. I'm making him a CD of music.

3. I have two possible parties to go to tonight with Midge. One is a very close friends thing and the closer it gets the less comfortable I am going and the other is at the un-names boy's house and Midge doesn't really want to go. It's also a keg party and I'm off drinking.

4. I'm off drinking. The meds enhance the feelings of alcohol and just on an emotional level I shouldn't be drinking. I always seem to end up crying when I'm drunk. One drink when I'm out or with dinner is ok but that's it for a little bit.

5. A friend from highschool who has moved to Alberta do to some school is in town this weekend. It's the first time I've seen her since my going away party last year. She got married but just a tiny ceremony and will be having the party next summer. She's asked me to help plan it which is very exciting.

6. I'm having my monthly crampy day. I just had a therapudic bath and now I'm lounging on the couch talking to Paul in England. As much as it hurts I am having a new found love for my own blood. I won't go on about it. I'm probably the only one fascinated by it.

7. I feel like ordering pizza but I'm not going to. I'll probably make some pasta or something.

Meaningless

I'm at home and cleaning up before Titania comes home. There's some things I won't get done but I'm working on it. The killlers and BSP show is tonight and it will be very good.

I have lots to do. I feel a bit like I'm floating with all these things to do and things I want to do but not enough time to do either. I've been sleeping better but needing a lot of sleep and I'm still tired throughout the day. I don't feel settled or grounded. I guess I'm not sure how to make this all work best. or something like that.

Improving?

Well I am in bed silly early but that's ok. I just had my first actual shower since my tattoo and feel very happy about it. My tattoo is all done scabbing, which it only did in a few places anyways, so I figured getting it wet for a few minutes would be alright. I really needed to wash my hair properly.

Also, one of the surest side affect of anti-depressents (at least of the SSRi type they're trying me on) is decreased sexual desire. I don't know if it's because they haven't kicked in yet or becasue my PMS horniness is out weighing it but I wank feverishly while in the shower. It's maybe my second orgasm in a long while due to feeling stressed and not being alone too often. But mostly because I've been stressed and just not wanting it. Either way I want to sleep all naked and sprawled out.

ok, back to watching Dead Like Me while naked in bed. I will sleep early and I will not let the cat keep me up all night. I didn't do the work I'm supposed to have done for school tomorrow but I'll sort it out. Goodnight!

Touching Base

I don't have much to say right now. I'm feeling alright but not great. I didn't get near as much done this weekend as I intented to but I did get some stuff done and hopefully caught up on some sleep. I've got a busy week coming up and hopefully I'll start getting some stuff finished up so I have less to worry about.

Medicated

1. Tomorrow I start taking an anti-depressant and sleeping pills. I've been given permission to take my sedative on top of all that no more than once every two days. I've been told to find a therapist I can afford so I can go more often and for a longer time. I feel like a mess. I'm also supposed to start light therapy again when my sleep returns to kind of normal.

2. I got my boxes from England today. FCUK body products and M&S chocolate. I also found something i thought I had brought back on the plane and already lost and two awesome pairs of shoes. I also got the drinking glasses I bought in my first week. They're pretty.

3. I'm tired but overwhelmed. I'm going to not think about school this weekend except for reading my texts for lit. Instead I'm going to craft and get a bunch of projects done or nearly there so I can do a bunch of shipping next week.

4. I'm disinterested with the world. I'm disinterested in a potluck at Easterns potluck tomorrow. I just want to hide.

5. I'm hoping half of this is becasue of the rain that has signalled the official entry to fall.

Anger

I'm mad at things. I am tired and sore and itchy and overwhelmed and worried about all the lectures I've missed and worried about all the money I'm spending and frustrated I can't drink without crying and even more frustrated my days are all about not having a father around and not being in England.

It all hit suddenly. Titania said I shouldn't be tired from sitting in lectures and I just think that's ignorant because some of my lectures and my seminar is really challenging and I haven't slept soundly for more than 4 hours in what must be nearing a month. Then she said she was going to take more time off work to spend more time on the island. I realize I told her there is no pressure to pay me back the money she owes me but don't take all kinds of time off.

I feel angry at everyone and I just want to sit here and cry and be by myself. I don't want to go to celebrities because I'm going to hate everything or be loud and irritating to myself. Or I'm going to drink and cry. And I'm going to be single for fucking ever.

Plus I have to go pick up my boxes at customs and I can feel it's going to end up with my mom mad because I don't have the proper packing list, but it should be on the fucking box anyways. And if my mom's mad I'm goign to cry becasue that's about all that is even slightly reliable about my world right now.

As much as I am disenchanted with school I really need to do well becasue if I can't get into my MA program in the UK I have no idea what I'm going to do once my one year working holiday visa is up. I'm stressed and upset. I have nothing else.

Get tired

I slept like shit last night. My back is so itchy I want to dig my nails inot my skin and scream. It sucks. So last night it took forever to fall asleep but I am going to try again tonight. I am heading to bed right now and then will watch an hour of TV from there. I hope something good but not too exciting is on.

Nothing much else. I'm klind of feeling like shit. I talked to Lily today which was very nice. I am disenchanted with these days at school though. My lit lecture is starting to get more interesting but art (first time I've been in 5 lectures) is still the same. I want it to be inspiring. I want to look at the slides and feel something. Excitement. Potential. Wonder. I think that's all I really want from every part of my life.

And today I almost had a panic attack in Lit. I'm not sure why. I was hungry and I just felt disconnected - not part of the rest of the world - and like what I was doing had no meaning. And I thought about the fact that again I freaked out while drinking and how tomorrow my drinking will be kept to a minimum. And then I thought about my dad and I was stuck there. No one to talk to. Nowhere safe and quiet to go.

I make everything sound hopeless. You know the weather was nice today. Chilly but sunny. I did some school work, particularly for my midterm on Tuesday. I have good people in my house. I can make it to Thanksgiving dinner with both sides of my family.

But I miss England, want to spend my days creating things and I'd love to have a boy to snuggle up against when I am unable to fall asleep. I even want to keep going to my interesting lectures. And I want to see cut copy and Dan Bern. I really just kind of want it all I guess.

A Big Sigh

I added all my midterm and essay dates into my ical and I have a shitload due in between now and the end of the month, I totally have to buckle down and catch up on reading. I also have to start going to my Art lecture in the mornings.

Tomorrow night I might be going to dinner with Midge, the boy she knows and some Japanese people. I'm not sure yet. It really depends how much studying I get done tomorrow. I'm not sure where Midge sits about me being slightly interested in getting to know him.

My back is still tender and is very itchy. Titania has been helping me keep in moisturized though. It is more comfortable to sit and lie down though.

Last night I had a dream where something happened with a boy that didn't get bad or awkward. It was just content. I have no detail more than that. It was more of a feeling about a dream than the dream itself.

Last night Titania and I drank a lot of wine and both had crying fits in the toilet about our dad's. I had a panic attrack but my purse was at our table so I couldn't get it. I was fine though, just lots of heavy and deep breathing and "are you alright? you sure?"'s coming from other people in the toilets.

I've got to go sleep now. I must get to my morning lecture.

Off my back

My tattoo is still really tender and leaning my back against anything, even my bed, is not at all comfortable. I really want to have a really good, intense orgasm but I usually wank on my back and now can't do that. I'm going to experiment with other ways though. I also haven't bathed since Wednesday becasue I can't get my back wet. I'm going to also spend some time doing that today.

Tonight I have the option of going out to my sisters and spending the night with a bunch of her friends or going out with Titania for her sister and Penny's birthday. They've reserved a room out in an irish pub to spend the night in after dinner. My sister's place is just kind of a girls night for them to all drink wine and chat and get a break for their men and kids. Her's will be more relaxed whereas with Titania there'll be new people and more action.

I should decide soon because my sister will come out and pick me up so we can take my dad's second computer to her house for my nephew.

Discomfort

Today I got home and a glass I kept from my dads house was broken. Now there's four instead of five. It's weird. I'm not sure if I'm sad. It's not like they had any significance. He didn't have them when I still lived with him and I don't know where they're from or anything. It's weird.

I'm keeing this short because I am tired. I'm hungry but tired. My back is quite tender but not the muscle pain I was afraid of. It does hurt to lean back on it though and that makes relaxing not a very easy feat. So now I am going to find something to snack on and I am going to jump into bed and watch tv from there.

oh, and I'm making a friend at school which is cool and I also think the girl I met through Midge the other night (we'll officially name here Stevie, like Nicks) actually likes me. She saw me as I was waiting for the bus and we chatted quickly. yee! Also I bought the most recent NME and finally got my hands and the bloody Cut Copy CD I've been looking for for weeks by the wonderful Zulu records who ordered it as there is no canadian release.

(Note to self: Link more!)

Colourful

Well it is done. It's different than I first imagined but it is perfect. Therapy didn't involve anything about boys. I've got to go watch tv.

Repetitive

I am totally fucking up with this art lecture. Again I did not go becasue I was too late and now I am drinking a mocha and eating a very good scone (how I wish I had good clotted cream).

I also feel half dressed in what I'm wearing becasue I dressed for tattoo comfort. I'm wearing like black yoga style pants but they are really worn and faded. I need new ones. Then I've got flip-flops on becasue they're the only shoes that look good with the pants becasue I hardly ever wear shoes with them at all. Plus, the weather is a bit colder than would be good. The rest is normal but the pants throw me off a bit.

I also felt like I had a yeast infection this morning which sucks ass. I haven't had one in forever though so I'm going to go to the doctor to make sure that's what it is. The feeling has passed now but it's not something to ignore. I might buy yogurt today though and eat a big serving of it for the next few days.

Now I feel sick though. Kind of nerves except that I'm not nervous about getting the tattoo or the pain of the work itself. I also have therapy today and feel like I don't know why I'm going but three weeks ago I wish I had my appointment then. I mean I wish I had it on Monday of this week. Or last week. But today, blah. I have to start dealing with something though.

On top of things my neck has been hurting for weeks and it's awful. I really really need a massage. I also sleep really soundly but never quite feel awake. Godd stuff though is that I got my hands on some new music (to my ears at least) and I am really enjoying it. Things are so mixed really.

None of this meant anything. Basically I need lots of things but I'm stuck with them and have a decent if sore day ahead of me. Must go call my doctor and then read.

Lectures

Ok. I am a Classical Studies (Greek and Roman History) major. I'm considering a minor in Art History. I used to want to get my major in Classics (Greek and Latin Languages) but I decided I was more interested in Art and I love Latin but wasn't quite strong enough. I also do not have much love for literary analysis which advanced langauages has a lot of. Also, UBC doesn't have a Historical Linquistics program so it didn't sem like a viable option.

The masters program I would like to return to at Nottingham is titled "The Visual Culture of Classical Antiquity" which basically studies the social and cultural aspects of Classical Art in it's own times and how it has been used and considered since then. There are so many directions I could take it and it makes me excited to think about the possibilities.

Last year my "Fun Lecture" was Latin. I loved the people but the work was hard. My "Inspiring Lecture" was a lecture in Ancient Sculpture ran by the women who run the masters program.

This year my boring classes are basically requirements of my degree program. The first one is Classical Art and Archeology. I just find the lecturer not very interesting and a kind of lacking analytical depth. It's not all stuff I know (but much of it is review) but it's just not being presented interestingly. The second one is CLassical Lit and a lot of it is review and I find the lectures slow but I really like "The Iliad" and "The Odyssey" which are our main texts for the first month and a bit. After we'll do Athenian drama which I'm excited about because I like drama and I have a lot more detailed knowledge of Athens due to some lectures last year.

My other morning class is Egyptian Art and Archeology. Right now it's a lot of prehistory and the details of how they made stone tools isn't super interesting to me. However, I am excited for when we get into the kingdoms and those eras. The other two lectures are both art focused. One is a very interesting seminar session about approaches and methodologies of Art history and criticism and the other is about the visual culture of the 18th century. I like both of those and all the friends I am making are from them.

So now you can see that I am a dork and even when I don't want to go to lectures it has nothing to do with my actual love for my subject. When I read for fun I'm always chosing things that generally surround this topic and are fiction. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with my degree but I am very excited to continue with it.

In other news I saw the guy who was doing reiki and conversed slightly with me about tarot cards a week or so ago but he was doing reiki with someone else so I didn't talk to him. I might have otherwise. Maybe. Probably not but I would have considered it.

Last night Midge and I were talking and we get to the subject of charming/insincere boys and she suggested the guy I met through her last week at dinner (Let's call him ) is charming. I said I didn't get that at all but she said it was because he probably didn't wasn't trying to pick me up and he might on Wednesday. Hmm.

Tomorrow is tattoo day. I've got my borig morning lectures, Therapy and then Midge and I are meeting Titania for Lunch. Then Farmer is meeting us at the shop. We'll be taking lots of pictures but I don't know if any will make it onto here. After we'll be going to dinner along with the other person I met at dinenr last week and really liked. Then I'll spend the night at home watching "America's Next Top Model" and "Veronica Mars" and probably feeling sore.

I know I have two new people to name but I don't know them well enough to give them good ones yet. Hopefully after the next meeting with them I'll have it sorted. Midge and I are going to go for a walk now and get a snack.